The hours to minutes before death are some of the most important moments we will ever experience with another person. Yet most people are not prepared for what to do, what to say, or even what is okay to do in those final hours.
Everything hospice and end of life doulas do leads up to this moment. Their role is to guide, support, prepare, and educate families and caregivers so the experience can become something sacred: a sad but meaningful memory they will carry forever.
People don’t die like they do in the movies, but most people don’t know that. Because they don’t know that, they also don’t know what is okay to do in those final moments. We, the professionals and helpers at the bedside, need to encourage those present to touch, to cry, and to say what they have wanted — and needed — to say.
I would like to see hospices and end of life doulas with families during those moments, but that is happening less and less frequently. Most families are alone with their special person during those important final hours.
For families, caregivers, hospice volunteers, hospice professionals, and chaplains, here are a few guidance ideas for the hours to minutes before death.
- The goal is to encourage family and those present to touch, to talk to, and to simply be present with their special person as they leave this world.
- In the hours to minutes before death, most people are non-responsive. They may be moving or making sounds, but not making sense. At this time, encourage each person present to spend a few moments alone with the person who is actively dying. Encourage them to speak from the heart. To address both the positive and the difficult parts of the relationship. Remind those present this may be the last opportunity to say what their heart needs to say.
- It is alright to have the lights on in the room, to have favorite music playing, to have the dog on the bed, and the kids in the room. This is a final goodbye. A time that can bring everyone together and create special meaningful memories.
- After the death, with the body still in the bed, tidy/clean the room, turn down any bright lights then invite each person present return to the room and say goodbye.
- When the funeral home leaves, straighten the bed and put something special on the pillow (a flower, religious article, a picture, something that says “He was here.” Rooms have memories and you want the last memory of the room to be a blessing. You want it to ease soften the painful feelings attached to the memory and make the room a soft, special place.
Our guidance in the moments before death won’t take the sadness away BUT it can help to fill those scary, lonely hours before death arrives.
Something more...
The Eleventh Hour offers gentle guidance for the hours to minutes before death — helping families approach the bedside with greater understanding, comfort, and presence. I have it in the End of Life Guideline Series bundle for at home caregivers.
