Dear Barbara, My 87 year old father has cancer and about six months to live. He will not tell his wife (my mother) or my sister who lives close by and helps them out. He has made me promise not to tell. I live far away. How can I help all of them? How can I convince him to share the closure of his life with those close by him. My mother is in denial of death--hers, his, ours. How can I help these people I care about?
I see your dilemma: wanting to honor your father's wishes while also wanting your family to know about the gift of time they have been given.
Let's start with your father since he is the central person in this situation. I could be wrong since nobody really knows your father's reasoning except him, that your father may be protecting his family from what he sees as a difficult, even devastating time. What people who hold this perspective don't see is that life is full of devastating experiences (someone close to us dying at the top of the list) and we can't shield our loved ones from it, as much as we would like. Actually, we take away their opportunity for growth and connection by not sharing ourselves with them. Your mother and sister will begin to notice his decline and become confused and irritated with him. Later, they could experience immense guilt for not figuring out he was dying and anger that they were left out. Your father is going to need help physically as his condition continues to deteriorate so at some point the rest of the family will have to be told anyway. This secret he is wishing you to keep cannot be kept. This is not a secret that can be kept indefinitely. It is just a matter of time before his condition will be noticed and those closest to him inevitably become part of what is happening.
Your father's wish to protect your mother is normal and admirable but unrealistic. First, people are often stronger than we give them credit for; second, she will have to live through this experience whether now or in a few months. Your mother can deny death all she wants, but that doesn't keep it from knocking on everyone's door.
You didn't mention why your sister isn't supposed to know.
Now, let’s talk about you: No matter what choice you make, this is not a situation where everyone will be happy with the outcome.
I would start by having another face to face talk with your father. Talk about the issues I pointed out above. Listen to his response. You may decide to tell him you love him very much but cannot honor his request to keep the secret.
Death isn’t an event that just happens to one person. It affects everyone who loves that person. There are only two ways to die--fast, as in a heart attack or accident, and gradual, from old age or because of a disease. Fast death leaves us with unanswered questions and a lot of guilt. Gradual death is our opportunity to do and say that which needs to be said and done. It is a gift of opportunity if we will take it. Perhaps you can help your father come to terms with his gift and encourage him to give that gift to those he loves.
All of this advice suggested may not be accepted by your father and you will have to decide what choice you can live with--keep his secret and let your mother and sister find out on their own (and they will eventually figure out he is dying even if it is days before his death) or break your promise and nurture, support and help guide your family through this devastating experience. Whatever you do, consider what you can live with, without guilt, when this is all over.
Something more...
A gradual death gives families an opportunity to prepare, participate, and support one another. The Approaching Death Support Kit can help you understand the changes that occur and guide you through the experience with confidence. Get your kit here.
