Dear Barbara, My 87 year old father has cancer and about six months to live. He will not tell his wife (my mother) or my sister who lives close by and helps them out. He has made me promise not to tell. I live far away. How can I help all of them? How can I convince him to share the closure of his life with those close by him. My mother is in denial of death--hers, his, ours. How can I help these people I care about?
I see your dilemma: wanting to honor your father's wishes while also wanting your family to know about the gift of time they have been given.
Let's start with your father since he is the central person in this situation. I could be wrong since nobody really knows your father's reasoning except him, that your father may be protecting his family from what he sees as a difficult, even devastating time. What people who hold this perspective don't see is that life is full of devastating experiences (someone close to us dying at the top of the list) and we can't shield our loved ones from it, as much as we would like. Actually, we take away their opportunity for growth and connection by not sharing ourselves with them. Your mother and sister will begin to notice his decline and become confused and irritated with him. Later, they could experience immense guilt for not figuring out he was dying and anger that they were left out. Your father is going to need help physically as his condition continues to deteriorate so at some point the rest of the family will have to be told anyway. This secret he is wishing you to keep cannot be kept. This is not a secret that can be kept indefinitely. It is just a matter of time before his condition will be noticed and those closest to him inevitably become part of what is happening.
Your father's wish to protect your mother is normal and admirable but unrealistic. First, people are often stronger than we give them credit for; second, she will have to live through this experience whether now or in a few months. Your mother can deny death all she wants, but that doesn't keep it from knocking on everyone's door.
You didn't mention why your sister isn't supposed to know.
Now, let’s talk about you: No matter what choice you make, this is not a situation where everyone will be happy with the outcome.
I would start by having another face to face talk with your father. Talk about the issues I pointed out above. Listen to his response. You may decide to tell him you love him very much but cannot honor his request to keep the secret.
Death isn’t an event that just happens to one person. It affects everyone who loves that person. There are only two ways to die--fast, as in a heart attack or accident, and gradual, from old age or because of a disease. Fast death leaves us with unanswered questions and a lot of guilt. Gradual death is our opportunity to do and say that which needs to be said and done. It is a gift of opportunity if we will take it. Perhaps you can help your father come to terms with his gift and encourage him to give that gift to those he loves.
All of this advice suggested may not be accepted by your father and you will have to decide what choice you can live with--keep his secret and let your mother and sister find out on their own (and they will eventually figure out he is dying even if it is days before his death) or break your promise and nurture, support and help guide your family through this devastating experience. Whatever you do, consider what you can live with, without guilt, when this is all over.
Something more...
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5 comments
Marcia
Best friend who was 97 received a death sentence while I was with her in the cardio’s office, and swore me to secrecy. It wasn’t until she was placed in hospice that her family found out. It was very stressful for me but I kept my mouth shut. I felt, and still do, that she owed her family the info so they had time to say goodbye. By the time she went into hospice she had traveled to her west coast home for the winter and her east coast family never saw her again. So sad and they are still suffering from not knowing. Sad.
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BK Books replied:
Marcia, such a sad story. I’m sorry for her family. Thank you for sharing, maybe others will read it and recognize the importance of giving our special people time to say goodbye. Blessings! Barbara
Best friend who was 97 received a death sentence while I was with her in the cardio’s office, and swore me to secrecy. It wasn’t until she was placed in hospice that her family found out. It was very stressful for me but I kept my mouth shut. I felt, and still do, that she owed her family the info so they had time to say goodbye. By the time she went into hospice she had traveled to her west coast home for the winter and her east coast family never saw her again. So sad and they are still suffering from not knowing. Sad.
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BK Books replied:
Marcia, such a sad story. I’m sorry for her family. Thank you for sharing, maybe others will read it and recognize the importance of giving our special people time to say goodbye. Blessings! Barbara
Ginny jackson
As someone now 68, who has spent many hours at the bedside in long term care, also with my own in-laws until they died, and who has had to do some tough self awareness work around myself and my family of origin
I’ve been alongside the one who didn’t want others to know. And also I am someone who became estranged from my own mother 11 yrs before she died.
My values no longer allow me to keep secrets if it puts me in the middle.
I’m a huge advocate for the one dying and want their wishes to be honored as much as possible. Especially if they are unable to speak for themselves. This situation seems to indicate all can speak. My heart goes out to all the family and the man not wanting others to know. I’m curious why the daughter far away has been told.
I find some can feel a sense of control. Their last independent choice.
Again if this was asked of me I would have to say “I can”t honor that wish but I can help us all come together perhaps with a professional a social worker someone with tools to help us hold this information in a way that supports you and if you don’t want to talk to anyone that is your choice we are all adults, but eventually they’ll grasp your illness in some way and I am not able to hide what I know when it affects all of us too.
I cannot imagine the angst she feels as well as how she will be seen and treated id they discover she knew and didn’t tell them.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ginny, relationships are so complicated and you are right there is no one approach fits all solution to any set of relationships. The best we can do is give options, suggestions and then support in the choices made. Blessings! Barbara
As someone now 68, who has spent many hours at the bedside in long term care, also with my own in-laws until they died, and who has had to do some tough self awareness work around myself and my family of origin
I’ve been alongside the one who didn’t want others to know. And also I am someone who became estranged from my own mother 11 yrs before she died.
My values no longer allow me to keep secrets if it puts me in the middle.
I’m a huge advocate for the one dying and want their wishes to be honored as much as possible. Especially if they are unable to speak for themselves. This situation seems to indicate all can speak. My heart goes out to all the family and the man not wanting others to know. I’m curious why the daughter far away has been told.
I find some can feel a sense of control. Their last independent choice.
Again if this was asked of me I would have to say “I can”t honor that wish but I can help us all come together perhaps with a professional a social worker someone with tools to help us hold this information in a way that supports you and if you don’t want to talk to anyone that is your choice we are all adults, but eventually they’ll grasp your illness in some way and I am not able to hide what I know when it affects all of us too.
I cannot imagine the angst she feels as well as how she will be seen and treated id they discover she knew and didn’t tell them.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ginny, relationships are so complicated and you are right there is no one approach fits all solution to any set of relationships. The best we can do is give options, suggestions and then support in the choices made. Blessings! Barbara
Lisa
I feel so blessed to have been privy to this challenging situation. My heart goes out to you and your family but particularly for you dear lady. You have quite a decision to make but if I may be so bold as to recommend your family be made aware of your father’s illness. I believe that your father will come to understand why that’s important. My prayers are with you, your father, and your family.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lisa, thank you for your support of this family. Blessings to you. Barbara
I feel so blessed to have been privy to this challenging situation. My heart goes out to you and your family but particularly for you dear lady. You have quite a decision to make but if I may be so bold as to recommend your family be made aware of your father’s illness. I believe that your father will come to understand why that’s important. My prayers are with you, your father, and your family.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lisa, thank you for your support of this family. Blessings to you. Barbara
Maggie
I sometimes see people who don’t want the family to know for entirely selfish reasons: they don’t want to put up with the family’s reactions to the news. Some wish to avoid any sort of emotional display (they’re okay with their loved ones feeling devastated afterward, when they don’t have to watch). Some fear that family might insist they try this or that treatment that they are sure they don’t want. And some just like the feeling of knowing a secret they aren’t sharing.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Maggie for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
I sometimes see people who don’t want the family to know for entirely selfish reasons: they don’t want to put up with the family’s reactions to the news. Some wish to avoid any sort of emotional display (they’re okay with their loved ones feeling devastated afterward, when they don’t have to watch). Some fear that family might insist they try this or that treatment that they are sure they don’t want. And some just like the feeling of knowing a secret they aren’t sharing.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Maggie for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Maria D'Marco
May I gently offer a small consideration in this difficult situation?
I believe that informing your family and close friends of the terminal illness you now face is one of the most generous acts one can do. By sharing this most final change in your life, you give those you involve the opportunity to amend their perspective of who you are in their lives. They now can adjust, offer more kindness, bring support to you and each other — it’s a beautiful opportunity to show love and caring. There is no burden — there is only the open door to helping everyone involved in making this transition in the most positive way possible.
Perhaps this individual can consider a perspective where honoring the promise made to the father is an act of enabling his restrictive point of view? Being the one ‘in the know’ is a difficult position — why give support to that when everyone can share that knowledge and share supporting one another?
Blessings to this person. I know it will be a tough conversation, but denial is not the answer to any portion of the situation.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Maria for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
May I gently offer a small consideration in this difficult situation?
I believe that informing your family and close friends of the terminal illness you now face is one of the most generous acts one can do. By sharing this most final change in your life, you give those you involve the opportunity to amend their perspective of who you are in their lives. They now can adjust, offer more kindness, bring support to you and each other — it’s a beautiful opportunity to show love and caring. There is no burden — there is only the open door to helping everyone involved in making this transition in the most positive way possible.
Perhaps this individual can consider a perspective where honoring the promise made to the father is an act of enabling his restrictive point of view? Being the one ‘in the know’ is a difficult position — why give support to that when everyone can share that knowledge and share supporting one another?
Blessings to this person. I know it will be a tough conversation, but denial is not the answer to any portion of the situation.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Maria for sharing. Blessings! Barbara