Most religions of the world teach us that when we are dead, we are in a better place. I add to that that being dead is easy while being alive is very hard. SO why do we have such a hard time letting a loved one die when treatment is not working? When extraordinary measures are not producing desired results? When quality of life beyond machine-facilitated breathing becomes a question?
It will never be “okay” for someone we care about to die, to leave us. We will always want those we care about to stay in our lives. The thing we need to remember is that everyone dies. We will all lose someone we love and want with us. That is life.
The question then becomes can we get ourselves to a place where we understand that now is the time that our loved one is going to leave us? Can we get to a place of acceptance, not of it being okay to die, but that this is the time it is going to happen? Can we put our own feelings of loss and abandonment aside and think selflessly? Can we put ourselves in the position of the person we care about and say to ourselves, “Would I want to be like this? Is this how I would want to die?”
If the answer is no, then as family and caregivers one of the hardest decisions to make will be to have a No Code/DNR. These are medical orders that direct healthcare professionals not to try to restart life when breathing stops. What can you do? Stay by the bedside, hold, touch, climb in bed and hold your special person (if you want), and say your goodbyes. Through your tears and sadness be a supportive presence.
I think we all want that kind of presence as we leave this world.
Something more about… Would I Want This? A Question Every Caregiver Must Ask
To help you navigate these tender moments with clarity and compassion, I created The Approaching Death Support Kit — a bundle of my most trusted resources for families and caregivers at the bedside.
This kit will help you find the guidance you need to be present, informed, and loving in life’s final chapter.
5 comments
Debbie
A couple of months ago we found out my mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My husband and I moved to my parents hometown to take care of them (Mom 86, Dad 89).
Both of my parents are in denial about my mom’s diagnosis. We are ready to move into their home when we find out they need us because they want to live in their house and don’t want to live in a senior home. I just am so scared that my husband and and I will have to take care of their bathroom needs- that is what I am afraid of.
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BK Books replied:
Debbie, you and your husband are giving your parents a great, loving gift by moving to be near them and planning on caring for them. Yes, it will be challenging and bathroom issues will be part of it. Think of how you cared for your children and with dignity you will care for your parents—-a circle of life. You might find my book By Your Side helpful in providing care. I wrote it for non medical people like you who have become caretakers. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
A couple of months ago we found out my mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My husband and I moved to my parents hometown to take care of them (Mom 86, Dad 89).
Both of my parents are in denial about my mom’s diagnosis. We are ready to move into their home when we find out they need us because they want to live in their house and don’t want to live in a senior home. I just am so scared that my husband and and I will have to take care of their bathroom needs- that is what I am afraid of.
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BK Books replied:
Debbie, you and your husband are giving your parents a great, loving gift by moving to be near them and planning on caring for them. Yes, it will be challenging and bathroom issues will be part of it. Think of how you cared for your children and with dignity you will care for your parents—-a circle of life. You might find my book By Your Side helpful in providing care. I wrote it for non medical people like you who have become caretakers. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Sally
Mary,
You can name anyone you want as you med poa as long as they want to serve that way.
I have a son hours away and a close friend in town. I have my friend listed first and my son as alternate but with stipulation that they have the freedom to discuss together
Mary,
You can name anyone you want as you med poa as long as they want to serve that way.
I have a son hours away and a close friend in town. I have my friend listed first and my son as alternate but with stipulation that they have the freedom to discuss together
Mary
I’d like to know what options a person has to name a third party (not a family member or friend) to be their medical power of attorney. Is that even possible and if so, how do you find such a person? Are contracts and fees involved? Might be a great blog topic. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mary, great question. I’m sorry I don’t know the answer for you. An attorney would probably know. I’m guessing you can name anyone you want. They do not have to family or friend. Good luck in your search. Blessings! Barbara
I’d like to know what options a person has to name a third party (not a family member or friend) to be their medical power of attorney. Is that even possible and if so, how do you find such a person? Are contracts and fees involved? Might be a great blog topic. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mary, great question. I’m sorry I don’t know the answer for you. An attorney would probably know. I’m guessing you can name anyone you want. They do not have to family or friend. Good luck in your search. Blessings! Barbara
Deborah
Powerful, honest, compassionate! Barbara, thank you for such an important post. My advanced directives are framed for my “true Self” to be readily permitted to exit a worn out, mortally injured body. But I hold concerns that the angst of a named advocate might override my wishes.
Keep educating families as only you can!
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BK Books replied:
Oh Deborah, do you need to get a different person for your durable medical power of attorney? Someone who you can be confident will respond to your situation as you have directed?
Blessings! Barbara
Powerful, honest, compassionate! Barbara, thank you for such an important post. My advanced directives are framed for my “true Self” to be readily permitted to exit a worn out, mortally injured body. But I hold concerns that the angst of a named advocate might override my wishes.
Keep educating families as only you can!
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Deborah, do you need to get a different person for your durable medical power of attorney? Someone who you can be confident will respond to your situation as you have directed?
Blessings! Barbara
Rae McKeating
Well said Barbara. Thank you for your continued education in this most important arena.
Years ago I (single, working, only child, 46) was a caregiver for my parents through their last breaths. I have no medical training (attorney by profession). I learned so much.
I am writing a book, sharing my story and other experiences of friends, with the intent to help others understand that, as you said, we all die. And if we do some planning, our families will suffer less and our desires will be honored.
The first draft is finished, several more drafts to come and more work. I would be honored if you have any interest in reading a draft (in months to come), then if you liked the story, perhaps you would give a short recommendation on the back of the book?
With gratitude, Rae Ann McKeating
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BK Books replied:
Hello Rae,
Thank you so much for thinking of me — I really appreciate the opportunity and the trust you’ve placed in me with this request.
At the moment, I’m juggling quite a bit and don’t feel I can give this the attention and care it deserves. I’d hate to commit and not be able to follow through fully.
I hope you understand, and I’m genuinely wishing you the best with it. Please do keep me in mind for future opportunities when things are a little less hectic on my end.
Blessings, Barbara
> -——- Original Message -——- > > SUBJECT: > There’s a new comment from Rae McKeating on your Shopify blog > > DATE: > 2025-06-25 21:31 > >
Well said Barbara. Thank you for your continued education in this most important arena.
Years ago I (single, working, only child, 46) was a caregiver for my parents through their last breaths. I have no medical training (attorney by profession). I learned so much.
I am writing a book, sharing my story and other experiences of friends, with the intent to help others understand that, as you said, we all die. And if we do some planning, our families will suffer less and our desires will be honored.
The first draft is finished, several more drafts to come and more work. I would be honored if you have any interest in reading a draft (in months to come), then if you liked the story, perhaps you would give a short recommendation on the back of the book?
With gratitude, Rae Ann McKeating
———
BK Books replied:
Hello Rae,
Thank you so much for thinking of me — I really appreciate the opportunity and the trust you’ve placed in me with this request.
At the moment, I’m juggling quite a bit and don’t feel I can give this the attention and care it deserves. I’d hate to commit and not be able to follow through fully.
I hope you understand, and I’m genuinely wishing you the best with it. Please do keep me in mind for future opportunities when things are a little less hectic on my end.
Blessings, Barbara
> -——- Original Message -——- > > SUBJECT: > There’s a new comment from Rae McKeating on your Shopify blog > > DATE: > 2025-06-25 21:31 > >