Dear Barbara,
My grandma just died in my arms. In her final moments, she made a horrible grimace, as if she were in terrible pain, and let out a guttural sound. Then she took a couple more breaths and was gone. It was so hard to watch.
The grimace, the last few breaths, the slowing pulse—this is how most people die. However, it is not how people die on television or in the movies. Unfortunately, the media has become our role model for what we expect dying to look like. When we don't see a final message and the eyes gently close, we—the watchers—think something bad or abnormal is happening.
Movies certainly do us a disservice by making dying look peaceful. Dying, in the hours, minutes—and sometimes even days—before death, is a struggle. The person works hard to get out of their body, to release their hold on living.
That labor and release is not necessarily pretty. It can be messy, with pee, poop, vomit, and mucus. It can be loud, with moans, grunts, congested breathing, gurgles, and rattles. There may be random words spoken that generally don't make sense. This is how most people die. Some people will experience everything I have outlined. A few will experience none of it, but most people will experience some, if not all, of what I have just described.
We are so conditioned to think people simply close their eyes and are gone that when we are truly with someone as they die, we think something bad is happening.
Like the labor of being born into this world, there is labor in leaving it. Just as we support a woman giving birth, we can support the person who is dying with our presence, our tender care, and our gentle words.
Something more... about why the last moments of life can look distressing ~
When you understand the dying process, you can spend less time wondering, "Is this normal?" and more time simply being present. Gone From My Sight explains the natural signs of approaching death, while its companion booklet, The Eleventh Hour, guides you through the final hours, the moment of death, and what comes immediately afterward. Together, they provide the knowledge you need to create a more sacred experience at the bedside.
