Dear Barbara,
After the death of a loved one, how do you let go and stop feeling guilty when you have no reason to feel guilty?
Guilt seems to come with loss. We burden ourselves with questions we can never answer: What if? Why didn't I? We repeatedly berate ourselves with I should have thoughts. Every time we ask ourselves one of these questions, more guilt is piled upon more guilt until we are buried (pardon the use of the word) in remorse.
You are right. Most of the time there is no reason to feel this guilt, although sometimes there is. Either way, it is unproductive. It only complicates the natural grieving process.
How do you let go and stop feeling guilty? At first, you probably aren't even aware of your feelings. When someone close to us dies, even if we know it is going to happen, we are in shock. We are numb. As the numbness wears off, we start feeling guilty. That's when the what ifs set in. Most of us begin to run, to keep busy so we don't have time to think or feel. How we approach the heavy feelings of loss and remorse depends upon our personality and how we typically face life's challenges.
My suggestion is this: no matter how long ago your special person died, sit down and write them a letter. Write all the thoughts and feelings of I should have and I wish I had that you are carrying inside you. I wish I had been a better daughter. I wish I had not raised my voice. I regret not coming to visit you more often. Whatever you hold in your heart that is keeping you from healing, put it in this letter. You may write a single page, or you may write volumes. You may cry. It's okay. Let the tears flow. Write from your heart. There is no right or wrong here, just your feelings and thoughts that need a release. When the letter is finished, burn it and scatter the ashes.
Remember, we always do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Later, we may learn more or see things from a different perspective, but in the moment we were doing the best we knew how to do. It is only with hindsight that we decide we should have done something differently. Then the guilt sets in. Guilt won't change the past. Our opportunity is in the present—taking what we have learned from past regrets and making different choices moving forward. You've probably heard it said, "When you know better, you do better." I would amend that to say, "When you know better, you have the opportunity to do better."
Something more...
Many caregivers look back after a death wondering, Did I do enough? Did I miss something? The Approaching Death Support Kit helps answer those questions before they become regrets. By understanding what happens as death approaches and how to care for someone through the process, you'll be better prepared, more confident, and more at peace with the care you gave.
