Dear Barbara,
After the death of a loved one, how do you let go and stop feeling guilty when you have no reason to feel guilty?
Guilt seems to come with loss. We burden ourselves with questions we can never answer: What if? Why didn't I? We repeatedly berate ourselves with I should have thoughts. Every time we ask ourselves one of these questions, more guilt is piled upon more guilt until we are buried (pardon the use of the word) in remorse.
You are right. Most of the time there is no reason to feel this guilt, although sometimes there is. Either way, it is unproductive. It only complicates the natural grieving process.
How do you let go and stop feeling guilty? At first, you probably aren't even aware of your feelings. When someone close to us dies, even if we know it is going to happen, we are in shock. We are numb. As the numbness wears off, we start feeling guilty. That's when the what ifs set in. Most of us begin to run, to keep busy so we don't have time to think or feel. How we approach the heavy feelings of loss and remorse depends upon our personality and how we typically face life's challenges.
My suggestion is this: no matter how long ago your special person died, sit down and write them a letter. Write all the thoughts and feelings of I should have and I wish I had that you are carrying inside you. I wish I had been a better daughter. I wish I had not raised my voice. I regret not coming to visit you more often. Whatever you hold in your heart that is keeping you from healing, put it in this letter. You may write a single page, or you may write volumes. You may cry. It's okay. Let the tears flow. Write from your heart. There is no right or wrong here, just your feelings and thoughts that need a release. When the letter is finished, burn it and scatter the ashes.
Remember, we always do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Later, we may learn more or see things from a different perspective, but in the moment we were doing the best we knew how to do. It is only with hindsight that we decide we should have done something differently. Then the guilt sets in. Guilt won't change the past. Our opportunity is in the present—taking what we have learned from past regrets and making different choices moving forward. You've probably heard it said, "When you know better, you do better." I would amend that to say, "When you know better, you have the opportunity to do better."
Something more...
Many caregivers look back after a death wondering, Did I do enough? Did I miss something? The Approaching Death Support Kit helps answer those questions before they become regrets. By understanding what happens as death approaches and how to care for someone through the process, you'll be better prepared, more confident, and more at peace with the care you gave.
3 comments
Ellen
My husband died recently and we had hospice at home. While I am glad we were able to honor his wishes to be home I found the process of his dying for more than a week so traumatic to watch that I am not able to even start to process my grief over his death. It just keeps repeating in my mind and it’s heartbreaking. Even tho I did everything I could to keep his pain under control, I feel guilty for how hard his dying was for him and it has made me afraid of my own death when I was not before. I hope no one else experiences this kind of situation.
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BK Books replied:
Ellen, think about the labor of dying in the same way we think about the labor to give birth. Some of us have a harder labor than others. The labor brings the same results—a birth into this physical realm and a birth into the other realm. Blessings to you! Barbara
My husband died recently and we had hospice at home. While I am glad we were able to honor his wishes to be home I found the process of his dying for more than a week so traumatic to watch that I am not able to even start to process my grief over his death. It just keeps repeating in my mind and it’s heartbreaking. Even tho I did everything I could to keep his pain under control, I feel guilty for how hard his dying was for him and it has made me afraid of my own death when I was not before. I hope no one else experiences this kind of situation.
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BK Books replied:
Ellen, think about the labor of dying in the same way we think about the labor to give birth. Some of us have a harder labor than others. The labor brings the same results—a birth into this physical realm and a birth into the other realm. Blessings to you! Barbara
Donna
Oh, my goodness this message profoundly hits home for me. I lost my dad, April 20th this year. My heart has been so heavy and broken. At times I get overwhelmed with emotions for what I think is absolutely no reason.
With that being said you would think that after 16 years of being a Hospice Nurse and having the very difficult conversations about death, dying and grief that I would be able to navigate through this loss.
I think the guilt I carry is because I knew what my dad wanted, him and I had that discussion during the 5 weeks he spent between the hospital and rehab admission. The thing is he did not have anything in writing; no advance directives, no HCS, no living will. He did what he thought the rest of the family wanted which was to not “give up”. So, I went along with what they wanted, that “just one more chance”.
Deep down I know that the decisions I made for him were okay. Right up to hours before he passed, he was surrounded by 22 people (a small portion of the people who loved him the most) and we got to remind him how much we love him, talk about the great times, his adult grandchildren played their favorite songs he would make them listen to when they were with him and he mouthed the words along with them as they sung. I know this was a blessing and I will forever cherish it. He is missed tremendously but I know he is at peace and where he wanted to be.
I will be gathering my thoughts of everything I wanted to, should have and did not say and putting it on paper. I am also going to suggest this to my siblings that also are struggling with guilt and grief.
Sincerely, thank you for the wonderful work you continue to do and for all the people you help navigate the End-of-Life Journey.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Donna, you and your family helped your father have a meaningful and sacred dying experience. I see no guilt necessary. Do write the letters and let all of you let how well you live your lives be the gift of memory and love to your father. Blessings! Barbara
Oh, my goodness this message profoundly hits home for me. I lost my dad, April 20th this year. My heart has been so heavy and broken. At times I get overwhelmed with emotions for what I think is absolutely no reason.
With that being said you would think that after 16 years of being a Hospice Nurse and having the very difficult conversations about death, dying and grief that I would be able to navigate through this loss.
I think the guilt I carry is because I knew what my dad wanted, him and I had that discussion during the 5 weeks he spent between the hospital and rehab admission. The thing is he did not have anything in writing; no advance directives, no HCS, no living will. He did what he thought the rest of the family wanted which was to not “give up”. So, I went along with what they wanted, that “just one more chance”.
Deep down I know that the decisions I made for him were okay. Right up to hours before he passed, he was surrounded by 22 people (a small portion of the people who loved him the most) and we got to remind him how much we love him, talk about the great times, his adult grandchildren played their favorite songs he would make them listen to when they were with him and he mouthed the words along with them as they sung. I know this was a blessing and I will forever cherish it. He is missed tremendously but I know he is at peace and where he wanted to be.
I will be gathering my thoughts of everything I wanted to, should have and did not say and putting it on paper. I am also going to suggest this to my siblings that also are struggling with guilt and grief.
Sincerely, thank you for the wonderful work you continue to do and for all the people you help navigate the End-of-Life Journey.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Donna, you and your family helped your father have a meaningful and sacred dying experience. I see no guilt necessary. Do write the letters and let all of you let how well you live your lives be the gift of memory and love to your father. Blessings! Barbara
Kate
This comes at the right time for me. My guilt stems from over 25 years ago; I know what I did well and I know where I failed. I dwell on the latter.
I will use your exercise to help me look forward. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kate, I’m so sorry you have carried challenging feelings with you all these years. It’s time to scatter them to the wind. Another practice I use is to stand in the shower and let the water wash over me while in my mind see the tension, guilt, negative thoughts and feelings go down the drain. Then I feel the water showering me with love, joy and peace. Blessings! Barbara
This comes at the right time for me. My guilt stems from over 25 years ago; I know what I did well and I know where I failed. I dwell on the latter.
I will use your exercise to help me look forward. Thank you.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kate, I’m so sorry you have carried challenging feelings with you all these years. It’s time to scatter them to the wind. Another practice I use is to stand in the shower and let the water wash over me while in my mind see the tension, guilt, negative thoughts and feelings go down the drain. Then I feel the water showering me with love, joy and peace. Blessings! Barbara