Relationships are challenging. We don’t always get from them what we want or need. As death comes, the yearning for what we didn’t get or have with this person increases.
When I was caring for my mother in the months before she died, I realized all the things I wanted from her and never had. I also realized that now it was too late to get them from her or even talk to her about them.
I don’t think I am any different from others in having those thoughts of “I wish I had more” from a specific relationship. So — here is something to think about:
Give what you want. If you want more attention, give more attention to the person you are seeking it from. If you want more affection, be more affectionate. You don’t need to tell the person what you are doing. You don't need to say, "I'm trying to be closer.” Your actions will have more meaning than your words.
Sometimes words and conversation will be meaningless. Dementia, a strained relationship, or years of misunderstanding are just a few things that can contribute to any current relationship. When words and explorative conversation aren’t an option, GIVE. Give the affection, the time, the attention, the patience, the conversation you feel have been lacking. In the months, weeks and even days before death arrives, give what you want or need.
Dying a gradual death gives everyone an opportunity to say goodbye, to address misunderstandings, to show love. Remember the saying, "actions speak louder than words." That certainly applies as end of life approaches.
Something more about… As a Caregiver, If Words Fail, Let Your Actions Speak
When words aren’t possible, giving becomes the language of love.
Barbara’s guidebook By Your Side: A Guide for Caring for the Dying at Home is a compassionate support for family caregivers in the final months, weeks, days, and hours before death. You can get your copy here
3 comments
Lisa
My father passed away three years ago. Everyday I replay the last three weeks I had with him. I have so many “what if’s” going through my head. Yes, our relationship was strained. I had always promised him I would take care of him when the time came and I did. In those three weeks he was hospitalized, and diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and there was nothing doctors could do. I still wanted to have those difficult conversations. I felt that there was so much left unsaid between him and I. He wasn’t communicating. He was sleeping a lot. There were brief moments where he was present in the moment with me! I just read your blog “As a Caregiver, If Words Fail, Let Your Actions Speak” I feel reassured that I did the right thing. I was present in the moment loving him, caring for him and making sure he could feel my love. He would always look up at me and smile when I brushed his hair! Thank you Barbara this has helped me immensely. With love and thanks Lisa
——-
BK Books replied:
Hi Lisa,You did a great job of supporting your father during his last weeks. You might write him a letter about the “unsaid” between the two of you. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes. It is time to stop “reliving the last three weeks”, that accomplishes nothing. Find purpose, find joy. Blessings to you Lisa. Barbara
My father passed away three years ago. Everyday I replay the last three weeks I had with him. I have so many “what if’s” going through my head. Yes, our relationship was strained. I had always promised him I would take care of him when the time came and I did. In those three weeks he was hospitalized, and diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and there was nothing doctors could do. I still wanted to have those difficult conversations. I felt that there was so much left unsaid between him and I. He wasn’t communicating. He was sleeping a lot. There were brief moments where he was present in the moment with me! I just read your blog “As a Caregiver, If Words Fail, Let Your Actions Speak” I feel reassured that I did the right thing. I was present in the moment loving him, caring for him and making sure he could feel my love. He would always look up at me and smile when I brushed his hair! Thank you Barbara this has helped me immensely. With love and thanks Lisa
——-
BK Books replied:
Hi Lisa,You did a great job of supporting your father during his last weeks. You might write him a letter about the “unsaid” between the two of you. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes. It is time to stop “reliving the last three weeks”, that accomplishes nothing. Find purpose, find joy. Blessings to you Lisa. Barbara
Jarda
I have found your pamphlets not only educational but valuable. I purchased 10 or so on different topics, and they were gone within days!
At the Atlanta VA healthcare System, we can only promote approved resources. It would be great if your company was a vendor/contractor that we could purchase from. Nursing staff could also benefit.
Please consider,
J. Alexander
I have found your pamphlets not only educational but valuable. I purchased 10 or so on different topics, and they were gone within days!
At the Atlanta VA healthcare System, we can only promote approved resources. It would be great if your company was a vendor/contractor that we could purchase from. Nursing staff could also benefit.
Please consider,
J. Alexander
Debbie
Although my mom died 9 years ago, these words gave me peace. I’ve always lamented not having a close relationship with my mom, which was permanently sealed by dementia. I’m so grateful I did not let that stop me from giving her my heart, and lovingly caring for her the last years of her life. Thank you.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, thank you for sharing your experience with your mom with us. Blessings to you. Barbara
Although my mom died 9 years ago, these words gave me peace. I’ve always lamented not having a close relationship with my mom, which was permanently sealed by dementia. I’m so grateful I did not let that stop me from giving her my heart, and lovingly caring for her the last years of her life. Thank you.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, thank you for sharing your experience with your mom with us. Blessings to you. Barbara