We often don’t see what we don’t want to see. When it comes to acknowledging the end of life’s approach, this sentence is very true. My husband recently died of cancer. I am an end of life educator. I know what dying looks like, how it progresses, and what to do to support the person on their journey. Here are some insights that have been added to my knowledge as the result of walking in caregiver shoes:
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It is hard to comprehend that our special person will die no matter what we do. No matter how many treatments, how much medicine, or how much food we give, death will come.
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Food, socialization, and activity are the areas we associate with living. When we have been told death will come sooner rather than later, we concentrate on those areas to keep living from ending.
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Food was probably the biggest challenge and obstacle when my husband was dying (and I knew better). It took many disagreements, urging, coaxing before I finally realized that no matter how much I coerced him to eat, he was still going to die. (Yes, "coerced" is a strong word, but that was what I was doing.) The disease was killing him and no amount of food would stop or change its progression.
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There is a gradual withdrawal from talking, from interacting with others. First there will be no interest in TV, then in world happenings, and finally in visiting with friends. Gradually, interest in most things is lost. An example of socialization withdrawal was when my husband was content being propped up in bed with his eyes closed listening to his adult children read to him. No talking, no interacting, just listening. Decreased socialization is disconnecting the threads that hold our interest here.
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Activity is another area we caregivers focus on. I can hear myself saying to him “If you just stay in bed you will get weaker.” Our focus in living is to be active. Our culture has become one of exercise, nutrition, and healthy living. Living is the operative word here. When the body is preparing to die, all the “healthy living” tools go out the window. They begin to reverse. Why? Because the body is preparing to die.
Can we stop these three from happening? Not if there is a disease that no longer responds to treatment or the body just gets old and wears out.
We forget that death will come to all of us at some time. I guess we just don’t want to acknowledge that it’s happening when the time actually arrives.
Something more about… What I Learned About Dying While Caring for My Husband
If you are caring for someone approaching the end of life, my Approaching Death Support Kit can guide you through what’s happening and how to provide comfort. This bundle includes my most essential resources for families and caregivers, giving you knowledge and reassurance. Explore the Support Kit here.
8 comments
Rachel Maillet
Barbara,
Thank you for all of your insights, and particularly this one. When my siblings and I cared for my mother to the end, I had no idea what each day and stage would bring. When my father passed, I felt better equipped. But boy would it have been so helpful to have known about you and your teachings beforehand. I still learn from your posts and it makes me feel better for the next time, if ever. Thank you so much for sharing. My most sincere condolences to you.
Rachel
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BK Books replied:
You are right Rachel. Knowledge reduces fear and helps us guide our special person in the end of life journey. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara,
Thank you for all of your insights, and particularly this one. When my siblings and I cared for my mother to the end, I had no idea what each day and stage would bring. When my father passed, I felt better equipped. But boy would it have been so helpful to have known about you and your teachings beforehand. I still learn from your posts and it makes me feel better for the next time, if ever. Thank you so much for sharing. My most sincere condolences to you.
Rachel
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BK Books replied:
You are right Rachel. Knowledge reduces fear and helps us guide our special person in the end of life journey. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Linda Melson
Barbara it has been 25 years since my husband died in a crop dusting accident and I cherish your support and advice you pass on to everyone. Still remember the great times we had.
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BK Books replied:
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, I think as time moves us forward in our grief maybe it is mostly the good memories that remain. Blessings to you. Barbara
Barbara it has been 25 years since my husband died in a crop dusting accident and I cherish your support and advice you pass on to everyone. Still remember the great times we had.
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BK Books replied:
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, I think as time moves us forward in our grief maybe it is mostly the good memories that remain. Blessings to you. Barbara
April
Thank you for allowing us in even while you are grieving. I appreciate all your deep insights and practical information. I hope to be a light in someone’s ending by using your practices.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, April. Blessings. Barbara
Thank you for allowing us in even while you are grieving. I appreciate all your deep insights and practical information. I hope to be a light in someone’s ending by using your practices.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, April. Blessings. Barbara
Andrew Adeck Omuse
It is real ,we focus more on food, activities rather than accepting the body is shutting out and by accepting this reality is healthy at the end of life.
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BK Books replied:
You are right, Andrew. Blessings! Barbara
It is real ,we focus more on food, activities rather than accepting the body is shutting out and by accepting this reality is healthy at the end of life.
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BK Books replied:
You are right, Andrew. Blessings! Barbara
M. Jane Markley
Barb, true, true and truer!! My husband died 2 days ago and like you I have a lot of end of life experiences. I remember when the instructor in me, slapped me up side the head and reminded me that more food was not doing anyone any good. I shifted to offering him whatever he wanted or nothing at all. Hard, but the right thing! Thanks for sharing these thoughts. They are all most valuable!!!
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BK Books replied:
Oh M. Jane, two days ago. I appreciate what you are experiencing right now. Blessings to you. Barbara
Barb, true, true and truer!! My husband died 2 days ago and like you I have a lot of end of life experiences. I remember when the instructor in me, slapped me up side the head and reminded me that more food was not doing anyone any good. I shifted to offering him whatever he wanted or nothing at all. Hard, but the right thing! Thanks for sharing these thoughts. They are all most valuable!!!
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BK Books replied:
Oh M. Jane, two days ago. I appreciate what you are experiencing right now. Blessings to you. Barbara
K-LInn Woodward-Read
Hi Barbara, i’m a nurse that owned a hospice and my husband also died of cancer. I was his primary caregiver. I totally understand and agree.
Today is my husband‘s 31st month of leaving for heaven. This is also a hard place to be as the living surviving spouse …31 months later. I know grieve is the result of love and caring, but still today 31 months later it just seems so surreal. I retired from nursing last October and have taken some time for me and to assimilate my new, not necessarily better, reality. Wishing you peace. Respectfully, K-Linn
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BK Books replied:
K-Linn, it has been 24 months since my husband died. You and I are wearing the same kind of shoes, learning how to be a “me” instead of a “we”. Blessings to you. Barbara
Hi Barbara, i’m a nurse that owned a hospice and my husband also died of cancer. I was his primary caregiver. I totally understand and agree.
Today is my husband‘s 31st month of leaving for heaven. This is also a hard place to be as the living surviving spouse …31 months later. I know grieve is the result of love and caring, but still today 31 months later it just seems so surreal. I retired from nursing last October and have taken some time for me and to assimilate my new, not necessarily better, reality. Wishing you peace. Respectfully, K-Linn
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BK Books replied:
K-Linn, it has been 24 months since my husband died. You and I are wearing the same kind of shoes, learning how to be a “me” instead of a “we”. Blessings to you. Barbara
P. A. Carey
Condolences to you Ma’am. This is indeed one of life’s most painful truths. I thank God for every day for my precious wife knowing that one day, one of us will travel on before the other. Thank you for your thoughts. Peace ><>
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BK Books replied:
P.A., thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Condolences to you Ma’am. This is indeed one of life’s most painful truths. I thank God for every day for my precious wife knowing that one day, one of us will travel on before the other. Thank you for your thoughts. Peace ><>
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BK Books replied:
P.A., thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Kitty Softpaws
Barbara, Thank you for reaching out beyond your own grief to write this at this time. It’s been a long road. You did a good job. Take care of yourself. ♥️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Kitty. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, Thank you for reaching out beyond your own grief to write this at this time. It’s been a long road. You did a good job. Take care of yourself. ♥️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Kitty. Blessings! Barbara