"I’m watching someone I love slowly die. She’s bed bound, her body is breaking down, she’s in pain despite medication, but she’s still here, taking small sips, a few bites. I can see that she's suffering. She said she didn’t want to live like this, so why is she still here? Why is she still holding on?”
Why do we hang on to life so desperately? Because it is all we really know. Yes, some of us have spiritual beliefs, that talk of “another life." BUT we really don’t know about even that for sure.
Being alive is hard work. It can be scary work. It is uncertain work, but it is what we know. It is all we know.
To the above factors, add that we do have some limited control over the time we die. With that control, we can forestall death (unconsciously) until an issue is addressed, relationships mended. We can forestall death and wait for a special person to arrive at our bedside. We can also let go as a protection for others and have our last breath while no one is present. The point is, we have limited control over the actual time that we die.
Fear is also a factor. Not having died before, we are all going to be afraid of dying (and the moment it comes) to some degree. That fear can keep us in our body for a while longer. What if there really is hell? I haven’t always been the best I could be. Will there be a “punishment” for that?
These beliefs can keep us in our body longer.
What do we, the watchers, do? Be a presence in the months before death comes. Be a listener. You won’t have answers or even reassurances but by being there, your special person won’t be alone.
Your presence, kindness, and touch are what is comforting now.
Something more about… Why Do People Hold On at the End of Life?
If you’re caring for someone approaching the end of life and want guidance on what to expect and how to help, my Approaching Death Support Kit offers gentle, practical information to navigate this time.
4 comments
Fr. Rick
Barbara, we’ve met years ago, and grateful for all you do. I was a student of Dr. Kubler Ross late 1970s. One of the things ive come to learn for people holding on. While families call me to hear the dying loved ones confession. ( Sometimes true). I have experience, while on their death bed, it’s the first time in years they have seen or felt love around them. Having journeyed with those on hospice. Discussing how hurt they are seeing their children/ family at odds with each other, now coming together. A new love, and peace. People have held on to embrace that love longed for in prayers, or wishes before transitioning. Blessings in your work, creating such space to happen for families.
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BK Books replied:
Fr Rick, thank you for sharing. Feeling loved is a healing for the emotional part of us. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
PS: I spent a week with Elizabeth in the late ’70s. That week began my end of life work.
Barbara, we’ve met years ago, and grateful for all you do. I was a student of Dr. Kubler Ross late 1970s. One of the things ive come to learn for people holding on. While families call me to hear the dying loved ones confession. ( Sometimes true). I have experience, while on their death bed, it’s the first time in years they have seen or felt love around them. Having journeyed with those on hospice. Discussing how hurt they are seeing their children/ family at odds with each other, now coming together. A new love, and peace. People have held on to embrace that love longed for in prayers, or wishes before transitioning. Blessings in your work, creating such space to happen for families.
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BK Books replied:
Fr Rick, thank you for sharing. Feeling loved is a healing for the emotional part of us. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
PS: I spent a week with Elizabeth in the late ’70s. That week began my end of life work.
melissa
I may not have bought any of your booklets yet but I intend to as I want my daughters to have an easier time at my bedside when dying than what my family and I witnessed when my mother passed. I want to ease their discomfort and make it all more special if that is attainable. You are invaluable for your knowledge and help and it truly is amazing that this subject is not taught so that dying is not so scary and unfamiliar!
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BK Books replied:
Oh Melissa, good for you. When people have information before they need it that knowledge is better understood. Fear doesn’t get in the way of understanding. Read the booklets with your kids and talk about what information is there. Don’t just have them read them alone. You want to start a conversation. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
I may not have bought any of your booklets yet but I intend to as I want my daughters to have an easier time at my bedside when dying than what my family and I witnessed when my mother passed. I want to ease their discomfort and make it all more special if that is attainable. You are invaluable for your knowledge and help and it truly is amazing that this subject is not taught so that dying is not so scary and unfamiliar!
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BK Books replied:
Oh Melissa, good for you. When people have information before they need it that knowledge is better understood. Fear doesn’t get in the way of understanding. Read the booklets with your kids and talk about what information is there. Don’t just have them read them alone. You want to start a conversation. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Patty
Barbara, This post is so insightful. There is fear and anxiety around dying. Just like there is before taking any big step. Being there to support someone taking this big step is the best we can do.
Barbara, This post is so insightful. There is fear and anxiety around dying. Just like there is before taking any big step. Being there to support someone taking this big step is the best we can do.
Susan
Barbara,
Your guides have become essential in helping me become a better EOL volunteer. I have learned so much.
Thank you
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Barbara
Barbara,
Your guides have become essential in helping me become a better EOL volunteer. I have learned so much.
Thank you
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Barbara