Living With the Scars of Loss

Grief affects us all in one way or another — the loss of a job, the loss of a friend, of a relationship, a physical death. We all carry the scars of grieving.

As we travel this road of living, our life will never be the same following any of the many deaths we experience.

Recognizing the touch of grief, whether it be a gentle prodding or an outright slap, is the first step in learning how to live with our grief.

A thought, a tear, a level-ten reaction to a level-two situation, an "I can’t get out of bed this morning,"  an "I can’t go to sleep tonight," or an "I can’t see people today" are all part of grief’s expression.

Most of us rush to move on when our moment of grief touches us. We try not to recognize the twinge of grief we are experiencing. My suggestion is to acknowledge the grief as its shadow moves through us. An “oh yes, this is my heart saying I miss.”

I have found writing our thoughts and feelings on paper (or laptop, although I prefer paper) is a way of releasing the emerging feelings. Grammar and punctuation don’t matter. It is the release of the feelings and the thoughts that have built, along with the tears, that addresses the moment of loss.

Grieving from the physical death of someone we have had challenges with — anger, disappointment, resentments, or regret — is often harder than for someone we had an entirely positive relationship with. The unresolved issues, the words unsaid, complicate our grief. Instead of stuffing the feelings back down, of ignoring and pushing ahead, if we acknowledge and pause a moment, we can generally move forward. I make it sound so easy. It’s not. 

For most of us, time will ease the pain of loss. It won't eliminate it, but it will ease it. We will always miss someone who was special in our lives, but the open wound will heal. Grief will leave a permanent scar, but scars generally don’t hurt until something touches them.

Something more about…  Living With the Scars of Loss

If you’re grieving, you’re not alone. My booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience, is often given in place of a sympathy card to support someone in the early stages of loss. You can also listen to two heartfelt interviews—The EKR Foundation: “The Grief You Don’t Know Until You Do” and Best Life, Best Death Podcast: “One Year After the Death of a Spouse”—for honest conversations about living with grief.