I’m going to give you something to think about. Some of you will disagree with me—and that’s okay. I am simply offering another perspective on living as death approaches.
My husband was 89 years old when, during a routine chest exam, two lesions were found in his lung, very close to a lymph node. It was determined that these lesions were cancerous. To know exactly what kind of cancer they were, he would need an invasive lung biopsy. Knowing the type would help determine its rate of growth and what kind of treatment might be beneficial. The procedure would not eliminate or treat the cancer—only identify it.
My husband and I had a lengthy, open conversation. We decided that no matter the kind of cancer or possible treatments, at almost 90, death was already on the horizon. The question became: how did he want to spend his remaining time? With procedures and treatments, or living as fully as he could until he couldn’t.
Jack lived four months. Those four months were a gift of time for all of us. During that time, he did a lot of reminiscing, examining his life and his actions. Family came from out of town to support him and show their love. Our entire family grew closer.
The one thing we didn’t do—though we tried, and Jack kept putting it off—was organize financial records and identify where important papers were kept. I came to understand the importance of that missed opportunity in the months following his death, as we tried to sort through years of paperwork.
I share this because I was experiencing firsthand what I had learned during all my years of end-of-life work.
I learned from others’ life journeys that sometimes treatment can rob us of precious time. I learned that a gradual death can be an opportunity to put our affairs in order and say goodbye.
I learned that in shock, fear, and sadness, we don’t always think through all the possibilities. I’ve seen too many families lose precious time in treatments that did not add to living. I’ve learned that people don’t always realize that treatment is not always the best life option.
Something more...
If you are walking this path with someone you love, my End of Life Guideline Series offers simple, honest explanations of what to expect and how to approach these moments with more confidence and less fear. In the little bundle is my palliative care booklet for those given a diagnosis of a life limiting disease called A Time To Live: Living With A Life Threatening Illness.
9 comments
Kristin
Hi Barbara,
Thank you for sharing this perspective. As a healthcare worker in the hospital setting I see so much suffering from treatments and procedures meant to prolong life, and patients feeling pressured to continue this level of care as long as possible, often by family members.
My grandfather was diagnosed on his 90th birthday with laryngeal cancer. I was horrified that he chose (and family encouraged) him to have surgery and 39 radiation treatments.
To my surprise, he recovered well, and died one day after his 103rd birthday. It’s so hard to know what to do in these situations, and I think sometimes we just don’t know (or have any control over) how everything will play out.
My personal choice would not have been that aggressive, and more in line with you and your husband’s experience. I suppose I’m grateful we all have that choice.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kristin, I think the operative word here is “choice” based on non biased information. We are different individuals with different ways of addressing challenges. There are no right or wrong choices IF we have accurate information. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Barbara,
Thank you for sharing this perspective. As a healthcare worker in the hospital setting I see so much suffering from treatments and procedures meant to prolong life, and patients feeling pressured to continue this level of care as long as possible, often by family members.
My grandfather was diagnosed on his 90th birthday with laryngeal cancer. I was horrified that he chose (and family encouraged) him to have surgery and 39 radiation treatments.
To my surprise, he recovered well, and died one day after his 103rd birthday. It’s so hard to know what to do in these situations, and I think sometimes we just don’t know (or have any control over) how everything will play out.
My personal choice would not have been that aggressive, and more in line with you and your husband’s experience. I suppose I’m grateful we all have that choice.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kristin, I think the operative word here is “choice” based on non biased information. We are different individuals with different ways of addressing challenges. There are no right or wrong choices IF we have accurate information. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Dennis Amato
Hello Barbara, what do recommend that a person alone do to prepare for their eventual, terminal sickness and death?
I have a living trust and currently a friend as my trustee; however he is being treated with chem and radiation for a believed metastasized cancer.
Thank you very much for your giving to so many through your work.
peace & love, Dennis
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dennis, I am assuming you have an Advanced Directive written into the Trust. If not incorporate it into it. You also want to have a Durable Medical Power of Attorney. It is not the same as a Power of Attorney. About your trustee, I think you need to name a new one. It can be your attorney if you have no one else. Good for you for addressing these issues before you need them. Blessings! Barbara
Hello Barbara, what do recommend that a person alone do to prepare for their eventual, terminal sickness and death?
I have a living trust and currently a friend as my trustee; however he is being treated with chem and radiation for a believed metastasized cancer.
Thank you very much for your giving to so many through your work.
peace & love, Dennis
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dennis, I am assuming you have an Advanced Directive written into the Trust. If not incorporate it into it. You also want to have a Durable Medical Power of Attorney. It is not the same as a Power of Attorney. About your trustee, I think you need to name a new one. It can be your attorney if you have no one else. Good for you for addressing these issues before you need them. Blessings! Barbara
Scarlette
It has been over two and half years since my beloved Vietnam Veteran husband died of mestatisized prostate cancer. One of the best gifts he left me and my sons was financial security. He made certain that I knew what to expect and who to contact after he passed. There were times when I didn’t want to listen or have him show me where documents were located, but I am glad I did listen and learn. Having that information available helped reduce some of the stress of handling the administrative side of his passing.
Very grateful for your books and the in-home hospice care that we had.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Scarlette, thank you for sharing the importance of knowing all the administrative and financial details before the person who knows about them is gone. It doesn’t take grief away but it certainly eases the loss. Blessings to you. Barbara
It has been over two and half years since my beloved Vietnam Veteran husband died of mestatisized prostate cancer. One of the best gifts he left me and my sons was financial security. He made certain that I knew what to expect and who to contact after he passed. There were times when I didn’t want to listen or have him show me where documents were located, but I am glad I did listen and learn. Having that information available helped reduce some of the stress of handling the administrative side of his passing.
Very grateful for your books and the in-home hospice care that we had.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Scarlette, thank you for sharing the importance of knowing all the administrative and financial details before the person who knows about them is gone. It doesn’t take grief away but it certainly eases the loss. Blessings to you. Barbara
Sue Samuels
I do appreciate Barbara’s article this morning on “What Matters Most”. Although our situation was different we faced a similar situation. We have access to. Medical Aid in Dying. I wondered if we would know even when to use it. And the day we did it was time we knew going further was only adding suffering or time in the hospice inpatient unit on IV morphine. The MAID medication allowed Mike to have the death he wanted, at home in our bedroom and, most of all, together and at peace.
I’m a hospice volunteer and have many of Barbara’s booklets and they have been very helpful. Thanks for all you do to help families and volunteers.
Sue Samuels
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sue, thank you for sharing your experience with your husband’s choice in how he would die. Blessings to you. Barbara
I do appreciate Barbara’s article this morning on “What Matters Most”. Although our situation was different we faced a similar situation. We have access to. Medical Aid in Dying. I wondered if we would know even when to use it. And the day we did it was time we knew going further was only adding suffering or time in the hospice inpatient unit on IV morphine. The MAID medication allowed Mike to have the death he wanted, at home in our bedroom and, most of all, together and at peace.
I’m a hospice volunteer and have many of Barbara’s booklets and they have been very helpful. Thanks for all you do to help families and volunteers.
Sue Samuels
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sue, thank you for sharing your experience with your husband’s choice in how he would die. Blessings to you. Barbara
Ruth Ann
I am a Hospice Nurse and our office places one of your books “Gone from my sight” in each introduction packet when we sign someone onto Hospice. The comments have always been very positive about how it breaks down the stages and allows the families to have a guide and what to expect. We really appreciate the depth of your books and how much they have impacted families. I too have a husband that was diagnosed with Brain and Lung Cancer. He chose treatment and is 2 years post treatment. He was just diagnosed with a tumor on his kidney. I just support him and try to make sure he knows his options. Thank you for your transparency as this is a huge area as a society we don’t always talk about.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ruth, thank you for the positive comments about Gone From My Sight. Have the nurse take it out of the packet and read it with the family. A great conversation starter. My blessings to you and your husband. Barbara
I am a Hospice Nurse and our office places one of your books “Gone from my sight” in each introduction packet when we sign someone onto Hospice. The comments have always been very positive about how it breaks down the stages and allows the families to have a guide and what to expect. We really appreciate the depth of your books and how much they have impacted families. I too have a husband that was diagnosed with Brain and Lung Cancer. He chose treatment and is 2 years post treatment. He was just diagnosed with a tumor on his kidney. I just support him and try to make sure he knows his options. Thank you for your transparency as this is a huge area as a society we don’t always talk about.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ruth, thank you for the positive comments about Gone From My Sight. Have the nurse take it out of the packet and read it with the family. A great conversation starter. My blessings to you and your husband. Barbara
Kitty
Barbara, thank you for sharing this. You and your husband are an inspiration. It is hard work being an adult, but the rewards of a peaceful, contented mind with which to enter the last stage of life are immense. Thank you 🙏
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kitty, Yes, it is hard work making life altering decisions. As you point out that is part of beng an adult. Blessings to you. Barbara
Barbara, thank you for sharing this. You and your husband are an inspiration. It is hard work being an adult, but the rewards of a peaceful, contented mind with which to enter the last stage of life are immense. Thank you 🙏
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kitty, Yes, it is hard work making life altering decisions. As you point out that is part of beng an adult. Blessings to you. Barbara
Maureen Torres
I have your books, but would like your newsletters, or emails.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for reaching out. I have added you to our email list!!
Blessings, Barbara
I have your books, but would like your newsletters, or emails.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for reaching out. I have added you to our email list!!
Blessings, Barbara
Bev
This is concerning Hospice and not notifying me of my Aunt’s death as she is in the “imminent” stage or I never would have left town. To my knowledge she had about 2 weeks. So I visited my sick son, got a phone saying she died within 48 hours of my leaving so I came right back. This is terrible after I have been visiting 6 days a week for 2.5 years and no one tells me!! So, what really happened as Hospice visited after she died and did some paperwork. No visits from them during the dying period – no notice to me. Terrible
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BK Books replied:
Yes it is terrible Bev. This is not what hospice care is supposed to be. Talk with the Director of the hospice and tell them of your experience. It won’t change what has happened but may prevent it from happening to others. Blessing to you. Barbara
This is concerning Hospice and not notifying me of my Aunt’s death as she is in the “imminent” stage or I never would have left town. To my knowledge she had about 2 weeks. So I visited my sick son, got a phone saying she died within 48 hours of my leaving so I came right back. This is terrible after I have been visiting 6 days a week for 2.5 years and no one tells me!! So, what really happened as Hospice visited after she died and did some paperwork. No visits from them during the dying period – no notice to me. Terrible
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BK Books replied:
Yes it is terrible Bev. This is not what hospice care is supposed to be. Talk with the Director of the hospice and tell them of your experience. It won’t change what has happened but may prevent it from happening to others. Blessing to you. Barbara
Mary Joyce
I am wondering how much value there would have been if all the years of paperwork had been organized, archived or shredded before your husband passed away. At 65, I constantly work at maintaining only essential info and nothing more because I don’t want my kids to have the burden that I did with all of my dad’s paperwork after he passed. But at the same time, having to go through all his paperwork gave me a perspective on his life I never would otherwise have had.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Mary Joyce, going through all his years of paperwork just reminded me that he never threw anything away. That is said with a smile. Blessings! Barbara
I am wondering how much value there would have been if all the years of paperwork had been organized, archived or shredded before your husband passed away. At 65, I constantly work at maintaining only essential info and nothing more because I don’t want my kids to have the burden that I did with all of my dad’s paperwork after he passed. But at the same time, having to go through all his paperwork gave me a perspective on his life I never would otherwise have had.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Mary Joyce, going through all his years of paperwork just reminded me that he never threw anything away. That is said with a smile. Blessings! Barbara