Is it normal to feel angry at someone who died?
Yes. And for many people, that anger is one of the most confusing parts of grief.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—but these emotions don’t happen in order, and they don’t come one at a time.
It isn’t like you experience denial and move on to anger. There is no order to these feelings. You can be angry and depressed at the same time or a combination of any of these feelings at the same time.
The point is in our grief (whether it is grief over the loss of a person, a job, or any other kind of loss) we will experience these emotions. Knowing about them often gives a sense of normality to our thoughts. "I'm okay, this is what grief looks like."
Anger, as part of grieving, comes for many reasons. Anger at how and the way our special person died. Anger at the medical profession. Anger at God. Anger at ourselves. And, yes, anger at the person that died.
Being angry at the person that died often brings feelings of shame with it. As a society we tend to elevate the person that died to sainthood. We are not supposed to talk about or think about the negative aspects of their personality. We think, "what an awful person I must be, my person is dead and I’m thinking these negative thoughts about them."
Sometimes we have to “clean house” before we can see and appreciate the good times. There is no perfect relationship or perfect person. Both positive and negative thoughts will come forward as part of grieving. Often we have to process the negative to let the positive shine through.
The essence here is that these emotions and how they play out are how grief unfolds, how grief feels. There is nothing abnormal happening. Grief will show itself in these different ways and at different times. They are part of the process to be thought about and worked through so we can find balance and our new path of living a good, productive life without our special person in it.
Something more...
If you find yourself asking what comes next after loss, The Final Act of Living offers gentle guidance on grief and how we continue living while still carrying those we love.
3 comments
Julia Greer
Julia
My husband died 2 months ago. He was diagnosed with CAA in which he had a couple of strokes. I struggle with mix emotions, feeling sad for him in the end, but also with some angry thoughts of things he said or done. Is this normal to feel this way?
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BK Books replied:
Hi Julia, it is certainly normal to have negative thoughts about the person who died. There is no perfect relationship, there are alway good and challenging emotions. Acknowledge the negative, think them through then let them go. When they come back, and they probably will, acknowledge, think through, release. At some point the thoughts have been processed and released. You might write him a letter and put all your thoughts on paper, the good and the not so good. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Blessings to you. Barbara
Julia
My husband died 2 months ago. He was diagnosed with CAA in which he had a couple of strokes. I struggle with mix emotions, feeling sad for him in the end, but also with some angry thoughts of things he said or done. Is this normal to feel this way?
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Julia, it is certainly normal to have negative thoughts about the person who died. There is no perfect relationship, there are alway good and challenging emotions. Acknowledge the negative, think them through then let them go. When they come back, and they probably will, acknowledge, think through, release. At some point the thoughts have been processed and released. You might write him a letter and put all your thoughts on paper, the good and the not so good. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Blessings to you. Barbara
Mark Powell
My wife died after a long fight against MS. I had moments of anger, mostly about the disease, as she lost the ability to control her own body. But I had time to get through that anger before she died, and I was able to channel my energy into supporting her. My mantra was “be kind”. I miss her every day, but I know I did all I could—more than I thought I could ever do.
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BK Books replied:
Mark, thank you for sharing your experience with grieving your wife’s death. Blessings to you. Barbara
My wife died after a long fight against MS. I had moments of anger, mostly about the disease, as she lost the ability to control her own body. But I had time to get through that anger before she died, and I was able to channel my energy into supporting her. My mantra was “be kind”. I miss her every day, but I know I did all I could—more than I thought I could ever do.
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BK Books replied:
Mark, thank you for sharing your experience with grieving your wife’s death. Blessings to you. Barbara
Sara
I like the message you are giving.
I do think it is also useful to know that the 5 stages of grief written by Elizabeth Kubler- Ross apply to someone who is terminally ill.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sara, Elizabeth’s stages of grief apply to everyone as they go through the challenges and losses life brings, including someone diagnosed with a life threatening illness. Blessings! Barbara
I like the message you are giving.
I do think it is also useful to know that the 5 stages of grief written by Elizabeth Kubler- Ross apply to someone who is terminally ill.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sara, Elizabeth’s stages of grief apply to everyone as they go through the challenges and losses life brings, including someone diagnosed with a life threatening illness. Blessings! Barbara