Is It Normal to Feel Angry at Someone Who Died?

Is it normal to feel angry at someone who died?

Yes. And for many people, that anger is one of the most confusing parts of grief.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—but these emotions don’t happen in order, and they don’t come one at a time.

It isn’t like you experience denial and move on to anger. There is no order to these feelings. You can be angry and depressed at the same time or a combination of any of these feelings at the same time. 

The point is in our grief (whether it is grief over the loss of a person, a job, or any other kind of loss) we will experience these emotions. Knowing about them often gives a sense of normality to our thoughts. "I'm okay, this is what grief looks like."

Anger, as part of grieving, comes for many reasons. Anger at how and the way our special person died. Anger at the medical profession. Anger at God. Anger at ourselves. And, yes, anger at the person that died.

Being angry at the person that died often brings feelings of shame with it. As a society we tend to elevate the person that died to sainthood. We are not supposed to talk about or think about the negative aspects of their personality. We think, "what an awful person I must be, my person is dead and I’m thinking these negative thoughts about them."

Sometimes we have to “clean house” before we can see and appreciate the good times. There is no perfect relationship or perfect person. Both positive and negative thoughts will come forward as part of grieving. Often we have to process the negative to let the positive shine through.

The essence here is that these emotions and how they play out are how grief unfolds, how grief feels. There is nothing abnormal happening. Grief will show itself in these different ways and at different times. They are part of the process to be thought about and worked through so we can find balance and our new path of living a good, productive life without our special person in it.

Something more...

If you find yourself asking what comes next after loss, The Final Act of Living offers gentle guidance on grief and how we continue living while still carrying those we love.