When my husband of 62 years died, I struggled with learning how to be a “me” instead of a “we.” He had done the finances and house and yard maintenance. I did the everyday running of the house - cooking and other day to day tasks. We generally watched the TV shows and movies that he was interested in. Although I prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner, it was geared to what he would eat. Bedtime was whenever we were ready, and we got up whenever we got up. My identity was a “we.”
A big part of my adjustment was figuring out how to fill my time as a “me.” What did I want to do? Sundays seem to be one of the most challenging. Sunday tends to be a stay at home, “do nothing special” kind of day. At least that was our Sunday once the kids left.
A few years ago, I created what I called Pajama Sunday. This was the one day a week when we didn’t get dressed, I didn’t put on makeup, and we just kind of hung out together. After Jack died, being alone on Pajama Sunday was much, much lonelier than when it was shared as a “we.”
A few months into my lonely Sundays, I got the idea to invite a couple of my neighborhood friends over on Sunday mornings at 10 - in their pajamas - to paint art by numbers. A couple friends said yes. We each got a kit of our own choosing and came together to just hang out, paint, and talk. That was two years ago.
Today was "Pajama Sunday paint by numbers" day. It is 1:00 pm and the women have just left. I am thinking of how valuable and important they have become in my life. There are now seven of us of all different ages and careers. I think if we had more we would lose the closeness and confidence we have in each other.
Today, we were talking about the friendship that has grown between us. Sunday morning has become a place to talk about anything. It is a safe place where we know there will be support and confidence. It is a place to just step outside of the day-to-day. A place with no makeup, with vulnerability, and the comfort of being in pajamas
I didn’t realize - even though I work in the end of life arena - that figuring out how to create a new way of living when our special person dies is a huge part of grieving. We need the support and friendship of others to help you build new patterns, new activities, and new kinds of closeness. Pajama Sunday paint by numbers has become one of those supports and new ways of living for me.
Something more…
If you are navigating life after the death of someone you love, you may find comfort in these offerings~
The Final Act of Living, Reflections of a Longtime Hospice Nurse -chapter on grief
5 comments
Kari
Thank you for sharing your experience with us today! I am sorry for your loss, 62 years is such a long time. As a hospice RN also navigating the loss of my mother and supporting my father after their 52 years of marriage this post came at the right time. I appreciate you. 🙏
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kari, I am pleased you found some support in this article. Blessings to you and your father as you both travel the road of grief. Barbara
Thank you for sharing your experience with us today! I am sorry for your loss, 62 years is such a long time. As a hospice RN also navigating the loss of my mother and supporting my father after their 52 years of marriage this post came at the right time. I appreciate you. 🙏
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kari, I am pleased you found some support in this article. Blessings to you and your father as you both travel the road of grief. Barbara
Jen
Thank you for sharing! 62 years with someone is a long time. I can’t comprehend what that must feel like. My thoughts are with you and your journey with grief. Thank you for helping so many of us. The poem from your book sits on my bedside table.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jen, thank you for your kind words. I love the poem too. Actually it found me. Was in a “junk” store, in a broken frame. I saw it and it “spoke to me”. When I wrote Gone From My Sight It found its home. Blessings to you! Barbara
Thank you for sharing! 62 years with someone is a long time. I can’t comprehend what that must feel like. My thoughts are with you and your journey with grief. Thank you for helping so many of us. The poem from your book sits on my bedside table.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jen, thank you for your kind words. I love the poem too. Actually it found me. Was in a “junk” store, in a broken frame. I saw it and it “spoke to me”. When I wrote Gone From My Sight It found its home. Blessings to you! Barbara
Linda
I often hear from folks who are grieving the loss of a spouse that Sunday’s are the hardest day. Thanks Barbara for sharing your thoughtful insights. The idea of coming in pjs and no make-up creates a vulnerability. This, on top of loss places one in a very raw space. How beautiful to come together and be there for one another. Thanks for all you do in this end-of-life space.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, it is interesting you mentioned vulnerability. A couple of Sundays ago we had a brunch at another of the women’s house, still PJ Sunday just no painting. I was faced with the feelings of leaving the house in PJs and no makeup. There is courage there I hadn’t noticed because home is a safe space. Thank you for bring that to our attention. Blessings! Barbara
I often hear from folks who are grieving the loss of a spouse that Sunday’s are the hardest day. Thanks Barbara for sharing your thoughtful insights. The idea of coming in pjs and no make-up creates a vulnerability. This, on top of loss places one in a very raw space. How beautiful to come together and be there for one another. Thanks for all you do in this end-of-life space.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, it is interesting you mentioned vulnerability. A couple of Sundays ago we had a brunch at another of the women’s house, still PJ Sunday just no painting. I was faced with the feelings of leaving the house in PJs and no makeup. There is courage there I hadn’t noticed because home is a safe space. Thank you for bring that to our attention. Blessings! Barbara
Dottie
What a beautiful idea.
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BK Books replied:
I know!! Thank you, Dottie. Blessings! Barbara
What a beautiful idea.
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BK Books replied:
I know!! Thank you, Dottie. Blessings! Barbara
Anne
What a lovely idea! My husband has Lewy Body Dementia. I have your set of books which has helped me navigate the turbelence of LBD. I am steeling myself for the inevitable, possibly as soon as this year. Thank you for another way of becoming me again.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anne, thank you for sharing. My thoughts are with you as you travel the challenging life path you and your husband are on right now. Blessings! Barbara
What a lovely idea! My husband has Lewy Body Dementia. I have your set of books which has helped me navigate the turbelence of LBD. I am steeling myself for the inevitable, possibly as soon as this year. Thank you for another way of becoming me again.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anne, thank you for sharing. My thoughts are with you as you travel the challenging life path you and your husband are on right now. Blessings! Barbara