The Quiet Loneliness of Sundays After Loss

When my husband of 62 years died, I struggled with learning how to be a “me” instead of a “we.”  He had done the finances and house and yard maintenance. I did the everyday running of the house - cooking and other day to day tasks. We generally watched the TV shows and movies that he was interested in. Although I prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner, it was geared to what he would eat. Bedtime was whenever we were ready, and we got up whenever we got up. My identity was a “we.”

A big part of my adjustment was figuring out how to fill my time as a “me.” What did I want to do?  Sundays seem to be one of the most challenging. Sunday tends to be a stay at home, “do nothing special” kind of day. At least that was our Sunday once the kids left.

A few years ago, I created what I called Pajama Sunday. This was the one day a week when we didn’t get dressed, I didn’t put on makeup, and we just kind of hung out together. After Jack died, being alone on Pajama Sunday was much, much lonelier than when it was shared as a “we.”

A few months into my lonely Sundays, I got the idea to invite a couple of my neighborhood friends over on Sunday mornings at 10 - in their pajamas - to paint art by numbers. A couple friends said yes. We each got a kit of our own choosing and came together to just hang out, paint, and talk. That was two years ago.

Today was "Pajama Sunday paint by numbers" day. It is 1:00 pm and the women have just left. I am thinking of how valuable and important they have become in my life. There are now seven of us of all different ages and careers. I think if we had more we would lose the closeness and confidence we have in each other.

Today, we were talking about the friendship that has grown between us. Sunday morning has become a place to talk about anything. It is a safe place where we know there will be support and confidence.  It is a place to just step outside of the day-to-day. A place with no makeup, with vulnerability, and the comfort of being in pajamas

I didn’t realize - even though I work in the  end of life arena - that figuring out how to create a new way of living when our special person dies is a huge part of grieving. We need the support and friendship of others to help you build new patterns, new activities, and new kinds of closeness. Pajama Sunday paint by numbers has become one of those supports and new ways of living for me.

Something more…

If you are navigating life after the death of someone you love, you may find comfort in these offerings~

The Final Act of Living, Reflections of a Longtime Hospice Nurse  -chapter on grief

HelpTexts

Adjusting After Our Person Has Died