Six Months After My Husband Died

Barbara, I listened to you today and others as they spoke of their path with grief. My husband passed quickly about 2 years ago. I have no regrets but I am so happy to read your blog today. His post mortem “heroism” is wonderful but it made me feel badly about my “not so wonderful” thoughts. You have just relieved me of some of the guilt. Thank you for all you do.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Paula, There is no perfect relationship. When we can think about and process both sides I think we are more in touch with the reality of where our grief is leading us. Blessings! Barbara

My wife, Linda, passed on 11/27 of Alzheimer’s & Dementia. We were married for 35 years and I was her caregiver until the end. All of my memories are good, she was my Bear and still is. I miss her so much. I have no bad memories, when we were younger she would get angry about something but that was how she got the name Bear. You booklets and articles have helped be so much. Please continue to teach, express and share.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ron, thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara

Your message could not have been more on point for me.
I lost my sweetheart in December 2020. We had 34.5 amazing years of mostly “happily married bliss.” He was a young widower and I was a divorcee. We met at a neighborhood barbecue and 6 weeks later were married. I was lost when we met and he gave me so much love, strength and support that to this day I have to pinch myself that it was not all a dream.
Sadly, when he retired, he literally became a walking medical text book of ailments – from head to toe! Being a retired nurse, I transitioned into becoming a care-giver ad felt privileged to take care and protect him. AND then I was diagnosed with not only breast cancer but also lung cancer.
I think back to that time of biopsies, surgery, chemo, radiation and I had to have friends hold my hand as he just was not able to be that strong husband I had married. So while I was going through all of this, I was more worried about him than myself. I remember becoming so frustrated, angry and negative and to this day I hate myself for that. I would lecture myself relentlessly to change my attitude. I full understood his situation but it was hard to accept emotionally. I wanted him to be helping me a little and not me having to literally do everything for him all the time. I became resentful and immediately felt tremendous guilt for not being more understanding.
To this day I ask him to forgive me if I said anything that hurt him. I miss him beyond words and I am so thankful and feel so blessed that we met at a Memorial Day barbecue.
Barbara, your message gave me permission to forgive myself some more.
With much gratitude and in friendship

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BK Books replied:
Oh Shaine, what normal reactions you have to your whole caregiving, husband dying,and personal illness happening all at the same time. I hope you can see what a great job you did and forgive yourself for any feelings of not doing enough and wanting consideration of you. You might write him a letter. Put all your feelings, positive and challenging on paper, tears too. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release it all to the universe. Live your life with fulfillment, peace of mind and joy. It can be a gift to him but even more important a gift to yourself. Blessings! Barbara

It’s been 8 months for me and you express exactly what I’ve been experiencing. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Joan, I’m sorry for your loss. This journey in grief is challenging. Know that most of what you are experiencing is a normal part of learning how to live without your special, or not so special, person, in it. Blessings to you. Barbara

hi Barbara
sending you strength to go on, no one will know what goes on until they go through it, it maybe hard but we have to go on because our loved ones that have passed on would want us to go on.
Thank you very much for sharing for others to know.
Bessie
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BK Books replied:
Hi Bessie, thank you for your words of encouragement. Blessings! Barbara

Thank you for sharing your personal journey. It brings encouragement to we who have not experienced the loss of a spouse but are caring for one at this time. It is difficult when a trying day happens to keep on the positive side when energy is running low.
Your booklets are very encouraging and helpful.
Blessings.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marilyn, my blessings are with you as you travel a caregiver’s road. Barbara

Barbara, thank you for sharing. My husband passed away in December 2023. In a marriage neither partner is perfect. I found that I needed to apologize to my husband, in the immediate aftermath of his death, about how I had not been the best partner, some things from many years in the past. I was initially tempted to elevate my husband to sainthood, but he was not perfect. We were both human and had our own unique faults. He was kind and loving to me to his last breath and for that I am eternally grateful. Susan
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, as you said “We were both human and had our own unique faults” so it is with all relationships. Thank you. Blessings! Barbara

I have been praying for you since hearing of your husband’s death and am so very sorry for your loss. My mother died recently as well so like you have been noting how much deeper my understanding of the grief journey is even after almost 8 years serving as a Chaplain mostly for people at end of life. It necessitated me leaving my role for now to be present to my soul – but grateful I am able to do just that. And grateful for your continued wisdom – and most especially authenticity to accompany me. Peace to us both and to our departed loved ones.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dawn, fellow grief traveler. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you for the good work you’re doing. Barbara

Hi Barbara. You are spot on in saying that we need to deal with the good memories and the not so good. We too were in one of those slumps when my husband’s accident occurred. His 6 week coma in a trauma center then moving to our health plans facility when he was stable enough for transport, was so very painful, especially since I was a stay home mom to our 9 yr old daughter. When he died everyone elevated him to sainthood. Our relationship was always one of peaks and valleys. I learned grief walks us through many avenues of the relationship. He passed in 1999 and I’m telling you there will forever be scents, sounds, visions ect that will bring up the good and not so good aspects of the relationship, and when you allow yourself to just feel those moments and be with them, you’ll know that you are processing your grief in a healthy manner. Blessings to you and you process your grief. And like others have said, I too but your packages of booklets to help others in their caregiving journey and in their walk of grief.

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BK Books replied:
Hi Lori, thank you for sharing your experience and your reassuring words. Blessings to you and your daughter. Barbara

Thank you for sharing your feelings about your husband. I felt the same way and felt guilty when others would say how nice or how smart he was. Your writings help so many of us. You are a blessing.

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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Sandi. It helps to know we are not alone in our journey. I’m glad my sharing was helpful. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara, thank you for continuing to share your personal journey in such an open and honest way. My husband is still with me but in our mid seventies I’m very aware that anything could happen at any time to leave me alone and without him. As a practising Tibetan Buddhist I’m taught to be constantly aware of the imminence of death. As we age I noticed how we are changing, and yes, I seem to spend a lot of my time irritated and frustrated by domestic issues such as my husband’s forgetfulness and other difficulties. When I read your experience and that of others who have lost their partners I’m reminded to ask myself what would I miss when he’s gone? This question forces me to think about his qualities as opposed to the constant nagging frustrations. I would miss his loving kindness and constant support of the way I am too which isn’t easy! It helps me to redress my perspective. I forget again of course but then am reminded by something like reading your blog. From other losses such as with my mother I can see how one can remember only the good or difficult times in a relationship. Loss can also distort our memories. Yes it seems disrespectful to think badly of someone who left us and our culture says not to speak badly of the dead. But every relationship has aspects of both positive and negative. Remembering the love underlying both aspects seems to be the most honest and respectful way to both ourselves and the one who left. With much love and care, Joanna
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BK Books replied:
Joanna, thanks for sharing your support tools. Blessings to you and your husband. Barbara

Again, you hit the nail on the head……….my husband of 64 yrs. passed two years ago, tomorrow, it was totally unexpected , he was not ill, or dealing with a terminal illness, our children, since he passed, idolize him, I can remember times that were not so good, and other human frailties, that we probably all have, at some time, in our lives. I can understand what qualities he exhibited, that they are remembering, and as a widow, it leaves you to deal with the rest, the times not so perfect and you can’t really voice that to anyone and certainly not to tarnish his memory, with your children
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BK Books replied:
Delilah, I have found that gradually my children are themselves bringing up family issues that were not so positive—-and then we have talked. Certainly there is no perfect relationship and we, as parents, don’t want to set the example that there is one. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara

Thank you for sharing these most frank comments about your husband and your relationship. I have not yet walked the road that your are, but that day may come sooner rather than later. At 81 we are definitely on the latter end of our earthly journey. I see signs of dementia in my husband of almost 59 years (his mother died of it), but he also has a couple of other serious health concerns that we are dealing with. I have often wondered about the feelings I may experience if I am the survivor. Our marriage was good, but it had its low points as all marriages do, but also lots of high points as well. When I am writing sympathy cards to others, I often tell them to concentrate on the love of family and friends and the happy memories to get them through this difficult time. I am sure I will feel as my maternal grandmother wrote in her diary, “The day I have long feared has finally arrived.”
I appreciate your candor in sharing your experience. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Sally, thank you for your comments. Blessings to you and your husband. Barbara

Your books were incredibly helpful to me as I cared for my husband over the six months that he was dying.
He passed in December and now I am facing the same feelings that you are.Time for another book!
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BK Books replied:
Thank Emmy. I’m thinking about a year or so from now. Too many lessons still to be learned about grief. Blessings! Barbara

Grieving is so personal and such an involved journey. I was the sole caregiver for my mother during the last 3 years of her life. Right after she died I was filled with insecurity about whether I did a good enough job. I had never done end of life care. I replayed moments when I was short tempered or less than tuned in to her needs. As I worked with my own grief, I felt my attention shift to all of the ways that I was there for her and to treasuring all of the moments that we shared during those last 3 years. Sunsets watched together, shared walks, special meals that she loved, and even those precious last few weeks of her life when we would talk and laugh together after the 2 am bed pan. My heart fills with the sweetness of those times. And still, 2 years later, I cry when I miss her.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jennifer, I am finding it is healing to explore the positive and negative aspects of a relationship. My hope is the negative will find resolution which makes way for the positive to shine and bring comfort. I think we need to explore both. Blessings! Barbara

This is powerful stuff. Thank you so much for being so raw and honest Barbara. It’s so refreshingly appreciated. It’s true, once people die they are automatically elevated to sainthood. This idea of not to speak ill of the dead. But they were human just like we are. With flaws and all. This year marks over 10 years since my bestie and soulmate died. I’ve actually been reflecting on the state of our relationship at the time of her passing. What she have might been thinking about me at the time. We would talk every day and she had visitors from her family so I was kind of leaving her be and I was going to university at the time and it was like finals time of the year. So I was stressed focused on that and figured she was okay. But she could have been thinking she probably doesn’t want to talk to me right now she hasn’t reached out. Her depression would often make think like that. But it wasn’t true. It was a lot to manage at time and she was dying and my soul sister was as well. I was overwhelmed. I could have done better definitely but yeah. I wish she could have seen I loved her just as fiercely as she loved me. But I don’t know if she fully believed that sometimes. I think she would think she was burden and partly pulled away and to some extent maybe I let her. I wish it ended in better space. She lived Virginia and I live in Ontario, Canada. We had to make an effort to stay close. I know she was doing her dying process but she also shared everything with me so if she was starting to feel her soul detaching I feel like she would have said something but she didn’t so it makes me wonder. I know I have a role to play in it but perhaps she does too and I just came to that thought recently. Anyhoo, thanks again for being you. It’s not easy to work out stuff because you are there doing it on your own. Big hugs!
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BK Books replied:
Novelette, thank you for your heartfelt sharing. You might write her a letter and put all those thoughts and tears on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. There is something healing in this exercise even though the person is dead. Can give some release and closure to our feelings and thoughts. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara,I am so very sorry that you lost your husband.You are a wonderful writer and have been so helpful to me over the years. I lost my ex-husband with many issues still undealth with. I lost my beloved wife with such saddness and longing. Your writing has been so helpful to me. I am so sorry you lost your husband. AnneJarman
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anne, about those "undealt with " issues with your ex husband. You might write him a letter. Put in the letter all the thoughts, concerns, anger, acceptance that you still feel. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let it go and move on with a more peace filled life. Blessings! Barbara

Thanks for this honest account. Every time someone shares their truth, it gives permission to feel and share my/our own truth too. Nobody is just one way in their life. My mother was kind, caring, affectionate (and abusive). My life partner was funny, brilliant, loving (and twice unfaithful). to name just two examples. I have done hands on primary dying process work with friends and family, not including patients.
As my wife’s former son-in-law was dying, I bought 5 copies of your whole series and provided them to his former wife, who is my wife’s daughter, their two sons and my wife. His was a 5 year cancer journey, so my time as a hospice volunteer came in handy. The books were a godsend to companion my hands-on work with him. As you have so aptly said, the direct experience with the grief process is invaluable. My grief process with my partner came first before my volunteer work. But they truly each informed the other. Now 23 years after her death and 15 years after starting hospice work, I still learn something with each patient. I am so grateful for it all, especially here for your poignant, informed and heartfelt writing.

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BK Books replied:
Hi Barbara, thank you for sharing your experience. Blessings to you in the work you are doing to guide others during this important time of their lives. Barbara

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. I used your Gone from my sight booklet when caring for my dying husband. I purchased several and give them to friends.
But, no matter how much you care or how well educated you are, there are some things you just don’t know until you go through it. How kind of you to share that with us now.
One of the most useful things is to have someone validate your feelings, good and bad. My husband has been gone almost 13 years. I have come to terms with my “new” reality and at peace. I wish the same for you.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Patty, Learning how to be an “I” instead of a " we" is a part of grieving also. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara, several things you said resounded with me. When I was working with the grief therapist she told me that, as you said, we often elevate that loved one to sainthood. I did that for a long time. Then I started thinking about ways he had failed me; I felt guilty about that. The therapist said I need to actively forgive him because he is gone and no longer able to address anything. Makes sense and I have done that. I was fortunate to be married to him, an imperfect person as am I. Thank you for sharing openly.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Rhoda, I often suggest we write a letter to our person that has died. Put everything we are processing, feeling, positive and negative on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. We are letting go of that which we have held on to. We have explained ourself so to speak. Blessings! Barbara

Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been struggling with during the year since my husband’s death. We also were frustrated with each other. My husband was suffering from non alcoholic liver disease that we were managing to deal with. Then in 2014 he had a benign, very small tumor removed from his brain. Unfortunately for us his surgeon and team botched the surgery. Said surgeon eventually lost his license to practice in WA. My husband struggled with the effects of the surgery for 8 years plus the progression of the liver disease. I was responsible for everything in our daily lives including his health.I believe we both felt cheated by the surgery. He resented getting more and more helpless and felt I was mad at him all the time. Then we were at an emergency admit to the hospital and 3 weeks later in hospice for the next 12 weeks. I’ve not spoken to anyone about the frustration of those last months before hospice. As you said I also felt it would be disrespectful.

Thank you for letting me know that I am not a terrible person because the bad times seem to be so difficult to see beyond. I too am starting to remember more good than bad. And I still miss him terribly. Take Care.

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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Sue, for sharing. What a challenging road you walked. Blessings to you in adapting to a new way of living. My thoughts are with you. Barbara

Thank you for sharing. No one knows how much kindness and patience it takes and when we lose it in frustration we feel just awful and guilty. For me now I seem to remember all the good times and forgive my mistakes because I was new on the job. I was so glad now…not at the time…but now, that I could do it. And it’s okay if you can’t too. We aren’t super women. We are strong and we are frail. Bless yourself for however you manage it.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lorrie, we all live our life in our own way. It is just helpful and reassuring to know others often feel the same way we do. Blessings! Barbara

It is the same way with parents, and I think of anyone.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Allison, you are right. Positive and negative feelings and thoughts are in grieving no matter the relationship. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara,
Your grace in learning about death first hand is so valuable ❤️ So, credible, so honest.
Thank you for sharing. 🕊
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BK Books replied:
Diane, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara

When my father was dying, these books helped me through the process. Of course it was still difficult, but understanding what was happening eased my fear. As a semi-retired nurse I thought I knew what to expect. No, no I did not. Thank you for these books and making it easy to read.
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BK Books replied:
You’re welcome Theresa. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara, Wishing you continued strength and peace as you continue the process of mourning your husband. Just as caregiving is hard work, grieving is hard work too. Your insight and wisdom help so many of us.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Treacy, thank you for your positive words. Blessings! Barbara

Blessings for the grace and integrity of your insights, Barbara, and for growing peace as all memories soften into a bouquet of love. It all sounds familiar, as I reflect 3 years after a husband’s death. Thankyou.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara

Blessings for the grace and integrity of your insights, Barbara, and for growing peace as all memories soften into a bouquet of love. It all sounds familiar, as I reflect 3 years after a husband’s death. Thankyou.

Thank you Barbara for being vulnerable and honest, for helping all of us with the tough conversations. For helping us understand the grief journey and its many dimensions.
Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Janis, thank you for the kind words. Blessings! Barbara

Hi Barbara, Once again I a moved by your ability to be so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. I was nodding my head in agreement with your statement about “instant sainthood” and I have witnessed it myself, when the person who passed had not been the most pleasant to be around. When my husband passed in January of 2022, I had both good and negative memories that would surface interchangeably it seems in the months following, actually thoughts still come to mind, it only takes a song to bring up a memory when I least expect it. But I didn’t voice the negative memories, rather, it conflicted with my emotions and I struggled with it and still do at times. I didn’t want to even examine those feelings. It’s in the past, I tell myself. Thank you for your transparency, I believe it is going to allow others to be more transparent with their own feelings, and free them to talk about what might feel uncomfortable to discuss. You may have another book to write about this side of things. Blessings to you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Cindy, The person you are today might look back and comfort the part of you that was struggling with grief all those years ago. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara, when I had negative thoughts, it is was directed at my father; he was an unsafe, abusive and tormented man. I share this with you, as father/daughters, mother/sons, husbands/wives etc. etc. all complicated relationships and, like you, I learned that the way out is through. Good you have confronted the negative feelings and that you have given yourself permission to feel authentic dismay, frustration and anger. I often used role playing by using that switching chairs process – talking first to the departed from sitting in my chair, then sitting in the opposing chair answering as the deceased. With any relationship this technique can be highly effective, especially for those who don’t have a listening heart or witness to the pain. We know with our wise voice what the other person would likely say to us. You are right of course, memories are often not positive, and even in the most loving relationships, “relief” of “anger” can stand right next to each other rendering grief complicated. I believe acknowledging this wisdom helps to re-balance our health and well-being. People are fallible and we are all only human, so it sounds good to hear you understand this by the work you have done these many years and decided to share your feelings with others. I suspect your husband is strong enough to hear what you have to confess or argue with him about and may help to reach peace about it. I’m not a religious but I remember families so angry at their lost loved one but even angrier at their god. I would share with them the belief that their god was strong enough to hold their anger and with love. I may be rambling here, but only wanted to say how normal, complicated and ultimately cleansing it is to say it all and out loud in a safe place until one is emptied of all their words and feelings. I believe in saying “I’m sorry and asking for forgiveness” for the part one played that wasn’t working in any relationship, and also granting the same to the deceased. All pretty sophomoric perhaps, but sometimes helpful to hear from a co-traveler on this journey of life and death.

Take care of yourself first and always.

AUDREY JOYCE
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Audrey for sharing your tools for processing grief. Blessings! Barbara

I have always admired your courage to say the truth with grace and kindness, but TO SAY THE TRUTH! I lost “my Jack” when I was 23 years old. I wish I had written my version of “6 months after my husband died.” Such a range of experiences we have in this life. Thank you for sharing—your thoughts always matter to me!

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BK Books replied:
Julie, thank you for sharing. It’s never too late to write. It would be interesting and maybe even healing to recount those first six months and even thoughts from the intervening years. A look back on how well you have done. Blessings! Barbara

I discovered that when I was able to convert my grief using the tools of mourning, I created a space from which happy moments could take root. Over time and using these tools with awareness of what I was doing in the moment, those spaces became larger and larger. Now my grief bursts bring happier memories, smiles and warmth. Only occasionally will there be tears. Blessings to you on your journey Barbara.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Donna for sharing. Blessings to you. Barbara

The experience you share is a mirror image of my own. My husband died 3 years ago of frontal temporal dementia at 57. Me and my children were his caregivers, and it was brutal. To say our marriage was in a dip at the time of his diagnosis is an understatement. His disease caused a total personality change which I didn’t understand (because he was misdiagnosed for so long) and which I have not yet reconciled with. At times I was (secretly) furious with him AND with my children who mourned a man that had made me (and them) miserable. With prayer, time and self-care, I am beginning to remember the good times. I am even able to articulate the why’s of some of those negative feelings to my children so that they can understand why my grieving process is different from theirs. It’s been 3 long years of grief, and we are just beginning to have more joy than pain. Please know that you and your books and blog have brought me much knowledge and comfort. You are in my prayers.
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BK Books replied:
Michelle, thank you for your personal sharing. It shows others how very normal negative feelings as well as positive ones are. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara

Thank you for this blog, Barbara! My husband died in 2020 and I’m still processing nothing but the negative. I thought that maybe I was crazy or something. Hearing you write about this is suddenly refreshing. It lets me know that we’re only human and this too enters into the grieving process. Thank you! – Paula T.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Paula, the response I am getting from this blog tells me processing negative feelings is part of the grieving process. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you. Barbara