The Part of Grief You Don't Know -- Until You Do

Barbara,
I am walking this journey with you. I was an ER/ICU/Hospice nurse for about 30 years. My husband also passed about 6 weeks ago very unexpectantly. I definitely had delayed grieving as I was such a professional in taking care of the “person in the bed” with care, expertise, and the right decisions. It took me quite some time to realize it was MY husband, MY soul mate. I went through the beginning process quite seamless and “strong”. Then, the realization hit. It was my day-to-day person, my other half. I can say that it is a road I didn’t see coming after educating so many people. A road I didn’t see coming after putting my grief aside for the sake of everyone else in the room. My job was to assure “they” were ok, not I. I put on the strong look every time someone comes to assure, I am ok. I put on the look because I know they are worried, but my job is to take care of them. That engrained nurse is going to step up to the plate and stop her own grieving process for them. When they leave, I cry now. I get relief, I get to start a grieving cycle just for me. I feel selfish for not wanting more people who care, to stay for days, after all, they just want to take care of me. It overwhelms me being a people pleaser and caregiver to be in this thought process. I put on my face, I smile, I laugh. When they leave, I am lonely, but it is then that I know, it was my husband that I don’t get to see again. It is then that I realize everything you said above. It is a path that people must let me go through. It cannot be numbed, but only delayed. I appreciate every caring person that has come to stay with me, and I appreciate the time that I have had alone to start the grieving process so that someday I may heal.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lyn, your words certainly hit home with me and I’m sure so many others. We caregivers need to learn to take care of ourselves also. Blessings to you and thank you very much for sharing. Barbara

Prayers for you Barbara I’m a new widow my husband passed away Nov 25th 2023 we were together 25yrs I’m going to buy your books I enjoy reading about your adventures
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dawn, you and I are walking a new, similar path. I hope you got my booklet, My Friend, I Care to help guide you through this challenging time. Blessings! Barbara

Sending you a big hug. Thank you for your honesty. It is a powerful gift you are sharing with us. xo
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nikki, thanks for the hug and kind words. Blessings! Barbara

Oh Barbara…I am so sad to hear of your loss. 65 years with Jack is an unimaginable loss. My heart is with you.
My Mother and I saw your lecture twice, and my husband came with us once.
You were such a guide for us when my Father was going through his journey of Alzheimer’s. We lost our beloved Mom in August of 2020. Due to COVID, I had not seen her, only talked on the phone and facetime…but I did have the blessing of talking with her over the phone the morning of the day she passed unexpectedly.
I have lost 7 life long friends in the last ten years. Your words are the first I hear when someone I love cross over to the other side… No doubt you have comforted millions…Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you love, prayer and peace knowing you had the best years with Jack.
Most sincerely, Donna
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BK Books replied:
Donna, thank you for reaching out and sharing. I am pleased my guidance has helped during your challenging times. Blessings to you! Barabara

My heart is so with you. I appreciate you sharing your heart and soul with us through these words. As a multiple loss survivor. I don’t know if the numbness and overwhelm ever completely goes away. But they have soften for me overtime. After losing my soulmate and best friend and then the next year my chosen sister. I am still learning how to fill those empty moments of being alone. I think I am starting to forget that this loneliness isn’t all I’ve ever know. I can only imagine for you how jarring this is. My only solace is one day we will meet again soon. Be thinking of you as we transition into a new year.
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BK Books replied:
Novelette,Thank you for sharing and for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara, I am sending you love, prayers and a big hug. I feel like I know you personally.
Sincerely, Dora
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dora, I’m sending a hug back to you. Thank you for reaching out. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara I am so sorry. I’ve been a widow for a year now. I can’t believe so many women before me have experienced this immense void in their lives and I never gave it a second thought. I’m now studying to be a hospice volunteer. I’m so sorry you’re going through what seems to be inevitable for so many women.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Patty, you have a lot of knowledge and understanding to bring to your role as a hospice volunteer. Blessings to you in the work you will be doing. Barbara

Dear Barbara,

I so appreciate what you express here. Thank you for (once again) sharing Barbara Karnes with such authenticity.

It’s true. None of us really knows grief. Until we do. And even then we don’t. Every loss we grieve feels, tastes, sounds, looks, even smells different depending on the nature of our relationships and the circumstances surrounding the death.

Last week my dearest friend of 40 years died somewhat suddenly. Alone. In hospital. (She has no surviving immediate family.) I was simultaneously in a different city taking care of my aging mother with pneumonia after mom had been hospitalized for a week. It was not possible for me to be physically present at my dear friend’s side. I am a death worker and the sense of bitter irony I feel will probably never leave me. I don’t blame myself. I simply wish I had been able to make a different choice.

A best friend is not a life partner of 65 years. So I am not comparing my situation to yours only the similarity of the early phases of grief and how they land with each of us. I am experiencing many of the same emotions and behaviors you mention.

From a very early age I’ve known plenty of death and the loss of those I love. You’d think by now I would be a ‘master of the grieving process’. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I wouldn’t have it any other way perhaps.

We don’t know what grief is. Until we do.

I offer to you (and to me, who also now finds the tears do not flow) a few words that I have written to many a grieving a friend, family, and loved one:

May the tears, when they come, flow freely and carve out another facet of the that big beautiful diamond that is your heart.

Thank you again Barbara for sharing that beautiful heart with all of us.

respect,

Cynthia

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BK Books replied:
Cynthia, thank you for sharing your grief experience with me and your words of support. Blessings to you as we travel similar life paths. Barbara

Barbara, I cared for my mom and so appreciated your books given to me by the hospice nurse. I cared for my husband as his health declined from pulmonary fibrosis diagnosed in 2017, complicated by bladder cancer, chemo and surgery in 2020. I started a caregiver workshop series in September in my local church and used an AARP grant to purchase books. I made sure we had a good supply of your books.

I stayed positive about my husband’s quality of life and refused to grieve while he still lived. When he would say, “I think the end is near” my response was something like “but probably not today, so what should we do?”

That came to what feels like an abrupt end. We were making more frequent visits to the ED as his cough increased, oxygen needs increased, etc. instead of going out for lunch on Nov 30, our initial plans, we went to the hospital instead. Instead of being sent home with a new script, John was admitted for IV drugs. Instead of getting better, John’s oxygen needs increased dramatically every day. Admitted on Thursday and on Tuesday understood that he would not be coming home. Some adult children arrived on Wednesday and the rest were on their way. He died at 1:45 am on Thursday, less than a week after our stop by the hospital.

Caregiving is hard but I learned and adjusted over many years and was able to help others on similar journeys. In the few days of understanding prior to John’s death I was still a caregiver, both for John and our family. As we gathered, planned and held John’s funeral I continued to care for our family. I gave each family unit a copy of your book on grief.

My head knew that I would survive John but my heart was not prepared to be without his presence. We were married for 32 years. We both had lengthy but not happy first marriages so we knew the preciousness of our loving relationship. I am thankful for my dog Migo who was John’s companion but my responsibility.

Others use the word “widow” not understanding that I am still John’s wife. Nights are hard. Days are hard, too.. Your tears have not come, mine show up unexpectedly.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, unfortunately we are walking the same path. You are right we will always be their wives, the hard part is learning to be their wives without them there. Blessing! Barbara

Sending love to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are one of us now and I just want you to know that I am here for you. Your many pamplets have helped me during those early years.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anne, thank you for reaching out to me. Blessings to you. Barbara

Dear Barbara, thank you for your most touching and intimate sharing. You help me remember, time and again, the preciousness of life and love and connection. My heartfelt condolences to you as you grieve the loss of your beloved Jack.
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BK Books replied:
Ria, thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your thoughts. Blessings! Barbara.

You hit the nail on the head: you can’t think your way through grief, you have to feel it!
I thought I was ready. I wasn’t. It just hits you at a different level. And it’s very lonely, especially at night.
Give yourself some grace. This is a journey of a lifetime.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Mark, for sharing. Blessings in your continued journey. Barbara

First, I am sorry for your loss of your beloved Jack. My situation is a little different and, in many ways, traumatic. In October of this year, my 14-month-old beautiful grandson died as a result of being accidentally smothered by his father. He was perfect and had no health issues whatsoever. I am not only grieving this loss but also grieving for my daughter, his mother who is struggling with guilt.

There is no manual, there are no words and time does not heal all wounds, it just looks different. Like you I’m grateful for my family and friends, but at the end of the day, HE is still gone. The healing may take a lifetime. I have connected my daughter to a parent support group and our family is rallying around her.

I’m a palliative nurse clinician and I use to say to individuals who have lost a child whether minor, 22 years, 40 years, or 60 years old, “I can’t imagine what you are going through,” to “I now know what it feels like to be in your space.” I also teach a grief module to nurses through ELNEC. I have now been put in that place of understanding firsthand the feelings of raw grief and wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

The following month my family suffered another loss of my dog Josie. She was my soul dog and helped me get through some difficult times and was loved by my whole family. Just like life, grief is a journey and I learn more and more every day from others and gather tools to assist with coping.

Thank you for your continued work to help and support those during end of life and the journey beyond.
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BK Books replied:
Christine, what a hill you are climbing! I see you are helping many who is supporting you? Blessings to you and your family. Barbara

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss of Jack, clearly your soulmate and your teammate. When I lost my husband to ALS in 2004, the best way I could describe my grief was that it appeared like an uninvited and peculiar beast. I would be driving along and all of a sudden that “beast” would come to me much like a sneeze, totally unexpected and devastating for a few minutes. I remember thinking that cliché “Lord help me make it through today” suddenly sounded so ridiculous! There was no way I could imagine the end of the day coming without multiple request to God to simply help me continue to breathe for five more minutes. Sometimes I would set a timer for five minutes so I could see that I had, indeed, lived through those minutes, breathe deep and moved forward until the next “sneeze“. I was so sad in the present, knew I could not go back to the past where Bob was part of this world and did not want to look forward at a future without him. I felt displaced. I was sure that being around my grandchildren would bring me peace and joy in Bob’s absence but actually, I found myself being impatient and sharp with them. I had no emotional reserves to tolerate an innocent sibling squabble. One day, my 6 y/o granddaughter said the wisest thing that helped me get through those weeks and months. She said “Mimi, we all miss Papa, but our lives every day stayed pretty much the same. Your life changed because now you have to do all of his jobs and yours. That must be hard.” She was right, not only was I grieving, but I was tired. Grief is exhausting. Her words gave me the courage to change, starting with some of those chores he wasn’t here to do. I hired someone to come in once a week to do the yard, clean out the garbage can, any of those other household jobs that in the weeks after his death served to reminded me of what I had lost. I expected to feel that loss during family get-togethers or holidays, but I was absolutely unprepared that filling up my bird-feeder would cause me to break down in tears missing him. I would love to recommend a book for you. It’s called The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, a remarkable book that will speak to anyone who has ever loved and lost a husband. Much like your wonderful books, I was able to see that my experience was fairly normal. Most of all, it helped me look forward to something I didn’t consider possible… simply the act of looking forward – without dread but with some anticipation of joy.
Your own books are a godsend! I’m a hospice nurse with 12 patients in a nursing home. The biggest barrier to my work in hospice that I have found is the lack of hospice knowledge and expectations in our healthcare settings. Your books explain our vision for EOL so clearly, explaining that nursing a hospice patient is different than nursing a patient who expects to get better. As a Christmas gift to myself this year, (hoping to make my job less challenging) I made an investment in staff education. I want the goals set for my patients such as comfort foods, eating or not eating, pain relief, etc. to be recognized, understood and honored by their staff. I gave away over 175 of your wonderful booklets to the staff at the nursing home and the hospice company I work for as their Christmas presents from me. Already I’ve had numerous staff stop me as I visit my patients and say they have learn so much about “the hospice way” from your booklets. Please know we understand your need to take time for yourself during this transition. When you are ready, please continue your work, your contributions have made such a difference to so many families and professionals. May God bless you with peace and joy…”for the next 5 minutes” and for years to come!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jane, you’ve described so much of what we grievers experience. I am pleased that there is a nursing facility that has its own hospice nurse. (should be requirement for all facilities). Your Christmas gift to your fellow workers was a needed gift indeed. I’ve just written a blog about nursing facilities and EOL education. I think you will identify with it. Thank you for sharing and blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Barbara PS: I did get your other note.

Dearest Barbara. I am so so sorry for your loss. The first line of this blog really hit me. I hate the word widow, and the fact that I am one. The first time I had to mark it on some formal papers I broke down. I lost my husband, in June 2021 and grief is still such a big part of every day. Yes, it has become less prevalent, but still very present. my husband, Tom was such a big part of my life for 36 years. We were married for 33.5 years. Your blog was shared with me this morning. Through an acquaintance. I met a death Doula recently and she and I really connected. That was not the reason for our meeting but I am so glad to have met her. I will continue to follow you and look into your books that you offer. Another recent find that has been extremely helpful to me in an odd way is Anderson Cooper’s blog, “all there is”. As you stated, you really don’t know the depth of grief until you’ve experienced it. In the first few months of my grief, someone had the audacity to compare the death of their dog to the death of my husband. I became so angry at this person, although the impact of her words didn’t really hit me until hours later.

Thank you for reading this if you do and please take care of yourself.

Jenni Laffey
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jenni, thank you for writing to me and sharing your grief. I am finding that widows and widowers can comfort each other because they are wearing the same shoes. End of Life doulas are a gift with their knowledge and empathy. Blessings to you! Barbara

B – one of the most used forms of communication – spoken or written words can so easily become one of the trickiest triggers – the term ‘orphan’ was used after my dad died (my mother died when I was 16)- and I was taken aback – to add that term to what else could be used to identify what I had taken up on life’s journey was bizarre (among other emotional reactions as well!)
Grief – is so elusively intertwined with love yet we tend to want to compartmentalize it as a standalone. All of the “1st” that occur following the closure of someone’s physical presence can individually be the tasks of doing life – yet have the strength and power to collectively be weighty and tip ever so closely to becoming unmanageable. The habits that form around normality are dumped upside down, and like shards of glass from a busted lightbulb elusively are everywhere as we try and sweep up to move forward.
Gratitudes for sharing your space and the emotional residue that resides from your time with Jack. Feel the feels!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Heather, thank you for sharing. You have a lovely way with words. Blessings! Barbara

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on December 12, 2023.
How do I access your blog?
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BK Books replied:
Hi Myra, go to bkbooks.com to sign up to receive the blog. You can also search topics from the blog page. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara….this is so raw, so meaningful, and insightful to all who have experienced grief in first person. Thank you so much for sharing this to the world. It is so like you to bring out the personal, the real that we all will benefit from. I know there are no words that will “fix” this grief, but please know you are making an impact to so many. God bless you and be by your side as you continue the steps of grief.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Karen, thank you for your very kind words. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara, I’m so very sorry to hear that you’ve lost your beloved Jack. It’s the hardest thing in life to feel the rawness of losing such a dearly loved one. The space is so empty and yet that being is still everywhere. I deeply appreciate your open sharing of how it is for you. My husband and I are very aware that one of us will one day be feeling the acute loss of the other. Your touching sharing reminds us to value the present moment because it’s only fleeting and impermanent like all life. With love and blessings for you as you make this new journey, Joanna.

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BK Books replied:
Hi Joanna, you are right, grief is a reminder of how important each moment in the present is. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara we met when I worked for the Visiting Nurse Association & Hospice of Southern California. I’m so sorry to read about the passing of your husband. I understand grief far to well loosing both my parents before I was 16 & my sister 15 years ago. I have been mostly bed bound for 4 years due to multiple illnesses. I rely on my husband so often. I would be so overwhelmed if I lost him. I hope you take the time you need to grieve & heal. Please know you have helped so many people with your time & books. Thank you for all you do.
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BK Books replied:
Marcia, thank you for your kind words about my work. Blessings to you in the challenges life has given you. Barbara

Hello Barbara, I’ve written to you before.
I have your 2 booklets My Friend I Care & Gone From My Sight and valued your input tremendously. My wife of 50 years was a U.S. Naturalized Foreign National from Basel, CH, was fluent in 6 languages and took me all over the world. The several thousand pictures of our travels are an indelible reminder and bring back some comforting memories. Post passing, I received valuable Psychological Counseling and have had a Memorial To Her in my bedroom ever since she passed. I talk to her every night, tell her what I did that day and add daily prayers for her spiritual well being “every day being the best.” Post counseling, I’ve found this daily ritual creates a sense of peace within me and I sleep without any disturbance, memories might bring. I wish you all the best with your grieving, I am 2.5 years post passing and am feeling considerable joy from these memories and find myself talking to others (including strangers I encounter) about who she was and what we’ve done together in our life.
Kind Regards,
Carl Laughead
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BK Books replied:
Hi Carl, my husband and I did a lot of traveling also—so many good experiences and memories. And yes, many, many pictures. I am glad you have found ways to go on living. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give her. Blessings! Barbara

Thank you Barbara for your candid sharing
and the vulnerability you revealed. We all know grief is difficult and messy but until you experience it up close and personal it really isn’t easy to understand. You are doing a great job. Hang in there and give Baxter an extra squeeze because it sounds like he is as well. 😊
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, thank you for reaching out to Baxter and me. He is sitting next to the computer right now telling me it is treat time. Blessings! Barbara

Sweet Barbara I wasn’t aware you lost your husband. I am sorry. I will understand that one day. Currently I now have all your books because my sister died July 2022. My husband diagnosed with stage four colon cancer on July 2022 so I’ve been in anticipatory grief and grief since then, and then in November, my younger brother died, and so it’s in a moment the full force of this amount of love gone. I just keep learning and accepting and I’m reminded how much love there currently is with my husband how much love there was with my siblings. We are all in this together and whatever we learn when we share like you do , that’s the greatest gift. I did buy your books and I will buy your books for so so many friends that don’t know how to die or to be with their loved ones when they’re dying and I’ve been so blessed that I have been with my parents and I truly feel I want to share that so the death is as magnificent as a new baby being born. That is all for the night. Blessings to you, Kristen

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BK Books replied:
Hi Kristen, thank you for sharing the loss of your brother and your husband’s life threatening illness with me. I hope you have support from others during this challenging time. If I can help, use my personal email barbara@bkbooks.com. Blessings to you and your family Barbara

Dear Barbara,
I am so sorry for your loss. I just came across your work a month ago and I have already learned so much from you. Grief is just so rude in how it drags us down and pushes its way into everything. It feels so unfair when the world around you has the nerve to go on like this devastating thing hasn’t just happened. Please give yourself grace when you feel impatient. Or angry. Or sad. It’s not quick or easy, but it does lessen over time. I’m praying for you and Baxter.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Alison, thank you for your words of support. Baxter and I appreciate them and send you blessings! Barbara

Barbara I was so sorry to hear of your husband’s passing. When my daughter was in hospice in 2016, you were a godsend to my whole family, including her. I got all your booklets and when I shared the one about signs of approaching death with Kiara, she exclaimed, “I wish someone had told me about this before!” I hope that the community of people who love and follow you—and of whom I am privileged to be one—can offer you a measure of the support and understanding you’ve gifted to us. My heart and love are with you in this tough time.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Zoe, thank you for reaching out to me. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara, Condolences for your loss. Sending prayers that 65 years of happy memories will get you through the days ahead. You can count on the many prayers from your readers to continue to lift you up as you grieve your loss.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Joanie, for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara

My presence with others made them uncomfortable.
It is a loss of identity.
Still learning. Namaste 🙏🏻
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BK Books replied:
Jihn, I know many people just don’t know what to do or say to us so they stay away. If they could only say " I don’t know what to say" and be a presence we would feel their comfort. Blessings! Barbara

Kristen, thanks for sharing your experience with me. Give a pet to Tilly. Blessings to you and your brother. Barbara

Barbara, I am SO GLAD you are writing about this. I have to say ditto to everything you wrote. Larry transitioned just shy of a year ago, and the shock is still with me like it happened yesterday. No wonder I just fall into bed at night without locking the doors. I do everything. He and I were in a 100/100 partnership. You could call it a division of labor. But everything was so peaceful and easy. Now NOTHING is easy. Every single thing my gaze falls on is filled with his essence. It’s wonderful and horrible. I went through the phase where I was short with everyone and that has passed, thank goodness. I felt so guilty! That WAS NOT ME! I have felt like have a bipolar disorder, which is also not me. Happy and laughing one second and literally sobbing the next. My world has turned completely bizarre. And just wait until your friends begin to shy away from you. I have just gone through Thanksgiving and Christmas sitting in my house, solitary and alone. Not a single invite. I would periodically melt into tears of despair and loneliness. My love and I were together constantly. We talked about everything all day long. Now, the walls echo. My entire life has become unrecognizable. And I don’t have enough years left to rebuild my life. That reality sends shivers up and down my spine. All the years you and I spent in hospice, but nothing prepared us for this. Nothing…I feel my brain has been permanently damaged. I tell people that I am not even the same person anymore, but they say, “Oh, you will have life again,” but I know the truth. I feel it in my marrow. Nothing compares to the pain and I think it is worsened when you have to say good-bye to the love of your LIFE. Yes, totally unprepared.
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BK Books replied:
I know, Paula, we are now on a new life road, not of our choosing. It is hard to adjust but we must. Let how well we figure out how to go on living be the gift we give our special ones. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara – I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your shared experience. I could feel every bit of those emotions, even though my experience was different. My grief is from the loss of my Mother, whom I cared for in the final 10 years of her life. Her passing was over 14 months ago, but still leaves raw feelings each day. I’m still in our same house, too. – Sandi
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sandi, I’m thinking it isn’t who we are grieving for but the intensity of our relationship with the person that is no longer with us that brings us grievers together. Blessings to you. Barbara

Dear Barbara, I read your emails faithfully. As a retired nurse I am in awe of your ability to deal with death and dying….so valuable to those in need.
My husband died 21 years ago and for the past 15 years I have been involved in our church Bereavement Group. It’s so helpful to gather with others who are grieving…only they can really know what you are going thru and they’re not afraid to talk to you about your husband. Just know that you will get through this but will never get over it. Life goes on and everyone has their own time table. Be patient with yourself. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others. You are in my prayers. Pat
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BK Books replied:
Hi Pat, thank you for sharing your experience with me. You are so right, a bereavement group is amazing in the support and understanding it can give. Blessings to you. Barbara

Barbara, I have done grief work with families for years. I am well educated and consider myself to be knowledgeable in the world of grief. Then my husband died, the love of my life, and I realized that I didn’t really understand the depth of pain that comes with this experience. All the experience and learning did little to prepare me for what was to be. Who do I share my successes with, who do I go to when things really are rotten, and the list goes on. I am five years out and still learning how to navigate the world. Know you are not alone, its okay to rage and cry, and somehow you will begin to feel less pain. And kudos to Baxter for providing support!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Debra, I’ve decided, reading all the sharing from this blog, that there is a “Widow’s Club”. We become members upon the death of our partner. We experience similar emotions and reactions but don’t realize how normal it all is. Sharing is soothing. Hearing others experiencing the same thoughts is soothing. Thank you for sharing with us. Blessings! Barbara

I’m so sorry your spouse died. I just wanted to thank you for your writings. As a former hospice nurse, When my employer quit buying them (financial reasons) I purchased them myself. I keep a few on hand to pass out to people who i feel could use them.
Take care
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BK Books replied:
Hi Joanna, I’m sorry your employer could not find a place in their budget for patient/family education. I applaud you for seeing the necessity and going the extra mile. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara

I have been a widow for almost 8 years, a hospice nurse for over 23 .
I had and still have some of those feelings. I embrace them as I believe they made be stronger.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for sharing Susie. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara

Another beautiful post. Of course. I recognize your pain and your ‘new’ daily life.
Warm e we edges
Bob Powers
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Bob. Blessings! Barbara

Dear Barbara,
This message sends you sympathy for your loss of Jack. Back in 1998, your end of life books: a time to live, my friend I care and Gone from my Sight were invaluable as my 55 year old mother was in hospice; dying with lymphoma cancer. I have shared your booklets countless times. I am 57 now. I find this post teaching me more about grief-this time of a spouse. Thank you for sharing your journey. 🫶🏼Your insight has been and continues to be such a gift/helping us to think about and have conversations around grief and loss. Hugs.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Beth, thanks for the hugs and sharing your thoughts. I am pleased my materials have helped you through the challenging time. Blessings! Barbara

You have described my life EXACTLY for 19 months, except for the cat. There is a need for these words so we understand we are normal. 19 months and i can not cry and i thought it was only me. Keep sharing your experiences as a widow we need to hear all of it. Thanks for all you do. Marcia
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marcia, I am sharing for the very reason you mentioned. We think what we are experiencing is unique to us when by sharing and hearing from others we see just how normal we are. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot fill the emptiness you now have to endure.
But I can tell you, you have made a real difference in how I endure the holidays after losing my anencephalic daughter 45 years ago.
You helped me find a way to lessen the despair I feel every Xmas.
And I am not able erase the emptiness, but you are not going it alone. Spiritually I am with you.
I wish you well!

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BK Books replied:
Thank you Denny for sharing about your daughter. The holidays are always a challenge for us who are missing someone. Blessings! Barbara

Dearest Barbara,
I walk with you. I encourage you to breathe, complain (those darn new chores!) laugh, stare, and feel your way, gently (and with any other feeling that wants airplay.) There are no mistakes. There is no timeline. Keep loving, keep writing, keep Baxter company…and know that every bless-ed second on this new normal is full of wonder and full of the YOU that has never changed.
We love you!

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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, thank you for the wise words AND Baxter is here now helping me type. Blessings! Barbara

I really appreciate you expressing your heartfelt honesty of grief. I can relate to all you expressed as I grieve the loss of my parents. It is still raw even as I approach the 3rd and 4th year. The aloneness is really hard especially when eating. Please continue to share your thoughts as it will help so many others. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Joan, I know! Dinner is a hard one when for so many years you have cooked and shared a meal with someone. Thank you for mentioning that. Blessings! Barbara

I’m very sorry for your loss, Barbara. And I will remember this blog post. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jackie, blessings to you. Barbara

Dear Barbara,

Deep and loving gratitude to you for sharing with such raw honesty. It deeply touches my Heart, and I so thank you for your willingness to share so selflessly with us here.
Gentle Peace and Loving Light upon you,
Nikki xxx
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nikki, thank you for your kind words. I figured I must not be the only one having these thoughts and feelings. From the response of so many, I’m not. Blessings! Barbara

Thanks for sharing, you are brave as you put one foot in front of the other because there is no other way except to shut down…………from what I read, that is not you! Hang in there and Happy New Year!! You are a blessing to so many and heartfelt life work will keep you going!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sandy, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara

Barbara, I hear you. Your description of those everyday, mundane moments that we shared with our husbands is so relatable. For me it’s breaking down cardboard boxes for recycling, always Dennis’ job. I’m further along in the widow journey (Dennis died 6/23/22 at St. John’s Peace Health in Longview, WA after 21 days there,) but the grief is triggered by MY realization that all those little comments, jokes, nonsense are now shared with Tilly the dog.
I’m writing this from Milwaukee, WI as Ioved back to be with family. Just in time; my older brother was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I bought the entire end of life series on your website. As a retired nurse, I have a very special place in my heart for end-of-life care. It is a sacred privilege.
I wish you comfort and healing in whatever form it takes.

Dear Barbara, how wonderful it is to read this blog post. When someone as skilled and caring as you, can bare your experiences in the early part of missing your beloved husband, I am sure it will touch the hearts and minds of many. What courage to say out loud you knew grief intellectually but now you know it emotionally, is a gift to us all.
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BK Books replied:
Beth, thank you for your kind words. I realized I am not unique in my grief and want others to find themselves in my writings. Blessings! Barbara

Your willingness to share your most personal thoughts, feelings and experiences is what always lends such authenticity to your work, dearest Barbara ~ and you’re making better practitioners of us all. Blessings to you, my friend, and from my heart to yours, thank you. ♥
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BK Books replied:
Marty, it is so good to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. You’ve always been my grief go to resource. Blessings! Barbara

I am a widow of 7 yrs. this past Christmas Day to a man who I shared life with for 48 years. I understood your emotions …especially because I am not a crier either but the tears are right behind your eyes…it feels like they are stuck. I have cried some over the years but not often but there are days I wish I could just let it all out.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, I know tears are a hard one. Guess we should go to a sad movie. It’s easier to cry there. Blessings to you. Barbara

You have been my source of comfort. my husband died five years ago. We also were married 65 years. I am who I am because of him. I cry easily so maybe that is a blessing
. As you said, the aloneness really hits you even though you have family and friends. I started a note book whenever an idea or a thought of wisdom popped into my head that was his ,I would jot it down and it has become my go to. I do talk out loud to him when alone. That is funny at times.
It’s a very lonely road but worth it for all the good years we had. Bless you.

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BK Books replied:
Hi Lorrie, Thank you for sharing your writing tip. About 2 weeks before Jack died I started a journal to write my thoughts. At first I wrote in it every day, sometimes twice a day. Now it may be days before I write in it. It is interesting to reread. Blessings to you in your journey. Barbara