September 18th is the two year marker of my husband’s death. Do I say anniversary? It sounds rather celebratory to use that word. Well — I guess it is a bit of a celebration in that I’m doing very well. After 65 years of having Jack in my life, I can say I am doing well at learning how to be a “me,” not a “we.”
There are “I miss you” times. There are “what would you do?” times. Even “can you believe that” and “you would not like this so I’m almost glad you aren’t seeing this” times.
I am not sad or weepy. I don’t think about him every minute. Although, as I write this, I realize a day doesn’t go by that a thought of him doesn’t fly by. Not really in a sad way, just in a "he’s there" way. I don’t relive his dying days, although occasionally something will spark the memory of those heartfelt days.
I have gotten past the "I’m mad" stage. In the first year there was a lot of processing of the more difficult side of our relationship and marriage. A lot of unsaid anger surfaced. In hindsight, I had to release the difficult, sad, angry feelings about different things in our relationship and life before there was room for the good, happy, blessed memories to surface and shine.
As an end of life educator, my main focus has been on dying, not necessarily on grief. During these two years, the grief knowledge has certainly increased. I have gone from intellectual ideas and an outside perspective of grieving to an “I have walked in these shoes” perspective. I now have both parts of understanding. That combined experience (mental and emotional aspects of grieving) has certainly broadened my knowledge base.
On this two year anniversary of Jack’s death date, our family will get together, talk about him, share our love and stories. He was a meaningful presence in our lives and we celebrate him. There will be plenty of food to share and, of course, ice cream.
Something more about… Two Years Without Jack: As “We” Has Become “Me”
If you are grieving, you don’t have to walk this road alone. My booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience, is often used as a sympathy card and has brought comfort to countless people in the early days of loss. I hope it can support you, too.
10 comments
Terry
Loving you as always. Terry from Louisiana..
I sent a message but obviously it got lost or I just cannot find it…
Shalom and Come Lord Jesus, come just one more time…..terry
Loving you as always. Terry from Louisiana..
I sent a message but obviously it got lost or I just cannot find it…
Shalom and Come Lord Jesus, come just one more time…..terry
Pam Michael
Barbara,
Every time you touch on Jack in one of your missives, I can feel the love you will always carry for him. It is an honor that you share that with us.
I’ve been through my own grieving process with multiple family members, but not a husband (yet); it’s a second marriage for both of us, and we’ve made it 32 years so far. Since time keeps marching on, and he and I get closer to that inevitable day, I’m absorbing all I can in the hope that I can handle it with as much grace as you have. I’m sure there are some not-so-stellar moments that you haven’t shared, because that is the reality of life; but just the fact that you are getting through it all somewhat intact gives me hope! It also gives me more guidance that I can share: If Barbara can do it, so can we!
I continue to send love for you into the universe. Thank you for being the amazing woman and educator that you are.
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Pam, thank you for those kind words, such lovely thoughts. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara,
Every time you touch on Jack in one of your missives, I can feel the love you will always carry for him. It is an honor that you share that with us.
I’ve been through my own grieving process with multiple family members, but not a husband (yet); it’s a second marriage for both of us, and we’ve made it 32 years so far. Since time keeps marching on, and he and I get closer to that inevitable day, I’m absorbing all I can in the hope that I can handle it with as much grace as you have. I’m sure there are some not-so-stellar moments that you haven’t shared, because that is the reality of life; but just the fact that you are getting through it all somewhat intact gives me hope! It also gives me more guidance that I can share: If Barbara can do it, so can we!
I continue to send love for you into the universe. Thank you for being the amazing woman and educator that you are.
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Pam, thank you for those kind words, such lovely thoughts. Blessings! Barbara
Hcr
As always, thank you for sharing your experiences and kindness. 💙🙏
———
BK Books replied:
And thank you, Hcr. Blessings! Barbara
As always, thank you for sharing your experiences and kindness. 💙🙏
———
BK Books replied:
And thank you, Hcr. Blessings! Barbara
Sara
Hi Barbara
I appreciate everything you have done and the books you’ve written. I have never responded to anyone like this before but I wanted you to know how much help you’ve been to me. I lost my husband of 63 years in December. The first few months I was drowning in necessary paperwork. Because of that I think the grieving process was delayed. It’s been ten months and things that I took for granted are starting to show up.. Especially taking care of everything outside the house. The tree trimming, the sprinkler system, on and on. I miss him more now than I did in the beginning and a Dr. friend recently told me the second year is more difficult. I ordered all of your books when we knew he was going to die and they were incredibly helpful. I gave a set to each of our kids so they could have an idea what to expect and maybe smooth the journey a little bit. We all have found them to be helpful. I thank you for your relentless work and admire you for today’s message about Jack. You’ve made him a real person who we can visualize. You are an amazing, strong person. Thank you!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sara, Oh the paperwork and learning to do his jobs! I’m still learning. At first I was overwhelmed with what I didn’t know. Now 2 years later there are still gaps in my knowledge in the areas Jack managed. AND I certainly identify with your dealing with outside tasks. I’m having the same challenges. Seems there is always something needing attention in areas I am unfamiliar with. Blessings to you. Thanks for sharing. Barbara
Hi Barbara
I appreciate everything you have done and the books you’ve written. I have never responded to anyone like this before but I wanted you to know how much help you’ve been to me. I lost my husband of 63 years in December. The first few months I was drowning in necessary paperwork. Because of that I think the grieving process was delayed. It’s been ten months and things that I took for granted are starting to show up.. Especially taking care of everything outside the house. The tree trimming, the sprinkler system, on and on. I miss him more now than I did in the beginning and a Dr. friend recently told me the second year is more difficult. I ordered all of your books when we knew he was going to die and they were incredibly helpful. I gave a set to each of our kids so they could have an idea what to expect and maybe smooth the journey a little bit. We all have found them to be helpful. I thank you for your relentless work and admire you for today’s message about Jack. You’ve made him a real person who we can visualize. You are an amazing, strong person. Thank you!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sara, Oh the paperwork and learning to do his jobs! I’m still learning. At first I was overwhelmed with what I didn’t know. Now 2 years later there are still gaps in my knowledge in the areas Jack managed. AND I certainly identify with your dealing with outside tasks. I’m having the same challenges. Seems there is always something needing attention in areas I am unfamiliar with. Blessings to you. Thanks for sharing. Barbara
Arlene Garcia
Barbara I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I know in my heart you are doing well because you were always so strong in everything you did. Stay strong my friend and take care.🌹
———
BK Books replied:
Are you my friend Arlene from KC? I am delighted to hear from you. Hope all is well. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I know in my heart you are doing well because you were always so strong in everything you did. Stay strong my friend and take care.🌹
———
BK Books replied:
Are you my friend Arlene from KC? I am delighted to hear from you. Hope all is well. Blessings! Barbara
Maggie
Hello Dear Barbara,
I am grateful that you’ve shared a bit more of your heart and about your second year as a “Me” – and not a “We.” I am a fan of Diane Hullet’s podcast and recently heard the episode you recorded soon after Jack died. It was lovely and comforting. I am a Death Midwife and Sacred Deathcare Guide, grateful for all that you bring to fill the gaps that our culture leaves open for those who are finding themselves near the threshold of death and loss.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Maggie, End of Life doulas have a special place in my heart. Blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Barbara
Hello Dear Barbara,
I am grateful that you’ve shared a bit more of your heart and about your second year as a “Me” – and not a “We.” I am a fan of Diane Hullet’s podcast and recently heard the episode you recorded soon after Jack died. It was lovely and comforting. I am a Death Midwife and Sacred Deathcare Guide, grateful for all that you bring to fill the gaps that our culture leaves open for those who are finding themselves near the threshold of death and loss.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Maggie, End of Life doulas have a special place in my heart. Blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Barbara
Debbie Walter
Barbara, your words do much to soothe my broken heart. It’s been 15 months since I lost my husband of 46 years. The struggle to find my “me” is just that, a struggle. I’m 66, had known Larry for 50 years, so there isn’t one fiber of my being that he isn’t in. I think I am afraid of not thinking of him all the time, like I’ll lose him all over again, if that makes any sense. I’m still at a point that I cry at least once a day, making decisions about my future seem painful.
I always appreciate the wisdom and heartfelt posts you make. They give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Many, many thanks,
Debbie
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, it is work to figure out how to go on living when someone we have basically spent our entire life with is gone. I like to think how well I go on living is the gift I give him. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, your words do much to soothe my broken heart. It’s been 15 months since I lost my husband of 46 years. The struggle to find my “me” is just that, a struggle. I’m 66, had known Larry for 50 years, so there isn’t one fiber of my being that he isn’t in. I think I am afraid of not thinking of him all the time, like I’ll lose him all over again, if that makes any sense. I’m still at a point that I cry at least once a day, making decisions about my future seem painful.
I always appreciate the wisdom and heartfelt posts you make. They give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Many, many thanks,
Debbie
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, it is work to figure out how to go on living when someone we have basically spent our entire life with is gone. I like to think how well I go on living is the gift I give him. Blessings! Barbara
Leslie Schwaderer
Hi Barbara, you are so brave to be marking this 2 year date of Jack’s death with the wisdom and perspective that has come from your years of grief education. For you to have counseled your followers for so long without this first-hand experience is remarkable, but even more so after it’s hit you so closely. It must be enlightening and emotional to see and feel both sides now. The broader picture you have now received can only deepen your understanding and knowledge to help us all in our times of grief. Thank you always for your insight.
Leslie S.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Leslie, I figure if I share what I am learning others can see how grieving can progress. Thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Barbara, you are so brave to be marking this 2 year date of Jack’s death with the wisdom and perspective that has come from your years of grief education. For you to have counseled your followers for so long without this first-hand experience is remarkable, but even more so after it’s hit you so closely. It must be enlightening and emotional to see and feel both sides now. The broader picture you have now received can only deepen your understanding and knowledge to help us all in our times of grief. Thank you always for your insight.
Leslie S.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Leslie, I figure if I share what I am learning others can see how grieving can progress. Thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Marcia
It’s been 3.4 years for me and I could have written those words!! Anger, regrets turned into memories and love. Discovering ME instead of WE has proved interesting on many levels. I know so many who can’t move on, I am grateful I have not had that problem. You certainly have been very helpful with your words of wisdom. Congratulations on two years of successfully becoming a ME.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Marcia, Being alive is a gift. I don’t think those who have gone before us want us to stop living just because they are gone. Good for you for figuring out how to live a meaningful life. Blessings! Barbara
It’s been 3.4 years for me and I could have written those words!! Anger, regrets turned into memories and love. Discovering ME instead of WE has proved interesting on many levels. I know so many who can’t move on, I am grateful I have not had that problem. You certainly have been very helpful with your words of wisdom. Congratulations on two years of successfully becoming a ME.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Marcia, Being alive is a gift. I don’t think those who have gone before us want us to stop living just because they are gone. Good for you for figuring out how to live a meaningful life. Blessings! Barbara
Lynne Zamarin
Once again you’ve touched my heart.
Kudos to your bravery and ability to connect with yourself.
Sending love and light to you.
Thank you for sharing you!!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Lynne, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Once again you’ve touched my heart.
Kudos to your bravery and ability to connect with yourself.
Sending love and light to you.
Thank you for sharing you!!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Lynne, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara