Oh guilt! We carry so much in our minds and our hearts. Feeling guilty seems to be a natural part of living. BUT how much is worthy of all the energy we give it? How much is built on prior thoughts and conditioning? Even though guilt is unproductive, we humans experience and carry way too much of it with us.
We could let our feelings of guilt help us live better. We could recognize it for the reminder of the past that it is. We could make amends, say I’m sorry, try not to do the thing that is causing us to feel guilty again. We could let go of the past and move forward with its lessons learned.
As end of life approaches, we the caregivers, relatives, and significant others often carry an immense burden of guilt as we watch our special person approach death. Thoughts of "I wish I had," "I should have," "what if?" and "why didn’t I?" often fill our minds.
In the months before our special person's death, talk with them about the past, the relationship, the wants, the should-haves. They are processing their life, so by having gentle, honest conversations, you can help them and be involved in the process.
During the actual moments before death, when the person is unresponsive, talk to them again. Tell them your feelings of the relationship, talk from your heart of the life you have shared (the positive and the negative), then let it go. It is like adding an ending to the life story.
Following the death, write the person a letter. Put everything you are feeling and thinking on paper. Put it in the coffin with your special person. If there is no coffin, burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let go of the guilt and thoughts of regret as you release the ashes of the letter. If death occurred years before, you can still write a letter. You are releasing thoughts and feelings you’ve probably carried for way too long.
In releasing the burden of guilt, you are free to let how well you live your life going forward be the gift you give your special person.
Something More about… Guilt and Grief: How to Let Go and Find Peace
If guilt has touched your grief, know that you’re not alone. My booklet My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience was written to help you understand your feelings and find peace as you heal. It’s part of my End of Life Guideline Series—resources created to guide you through caregiving, dying, and grief.
