Why do we, the watchers, get so caught up in remembering the labor of dying? Because we don’t know how people die. We just have the movies and TV that show us a clean, smooth, gentle, "say something profound and close your eyes" kind of dying.
Well, it doesn’t happen that way. Oh, yes, once in a great while someone will serenely close their eyes and not wake up, BUT most of the time dying is messy. Dying is irrational, uncoordinated movements, strange sounds, unpleasant smells, and changes to skin color. Because of all of these "unusual" activities and changes, we, the watchers, get stuck remembering the sad, scary way our special person died.
In our grief, the memory of how our person died often overshadows the recalling of a life well-lived. It is the memory of those final days and hours, mingled with our fear and our sense of loss, that interferes with us moving forward in our grief. We get “stuck” — like the rewinding of a film. Over and over and over we replay the dying.
How do we stop the replay? I’m not sure. We are all such unique personalities and our relationships are all so complicated that no one response fits all.
Counseling and grief support groups help. Knowledge of how dying happens and what it really looks like relieves some of the thoughts that what happened was abnormal or wrong or that inappropriate care during hospice killed mom.
Write your thoughts on paper. A love letter, so to speak. Write your feelings, concerns, sense of loss, tears, or whatever else you would say to your special person if you could. Put them on paper — don't record them, don't type them on your phone; write them on real paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes in the air. Release the heavy emotional weight you are carrying.
It isn’t how many tears we cry, how angry we are, or how we reach for answers that shows our love.
Let how well we live our life going forward be the gift of love and remembrance.
PS: If you feel there has been inappropriate care given contact medicare.gov and file a complaint. That will be your gift to others.
Something More about... Why the Memory of Dying Stays With Us
Want to better understand what really happens at the end of life? Read Barbara's classic booklet, Gone From My Sight: The Dying Experience— the hospice “blue book” that has helped millions of families and caregivers find comfort and clarity through education. The "blue book" is part of Barbara's End of Life Guideline Series Bundle.
