Fear of dying is something most of us carry to some degree. We don't know what it will feel like, what will happen, or what to expect. After decades of working in end of life care and teaching about dying, I have learned that understanding how the body dies can make the unknown a little less frightening.
Everyone approaching a gradual death will experience fear. Some of us more than others, but all of us will be afraid to some degree as we adjust to the knowledge that death is coming sooner than we expected.
I think a big part of the fear of dying is fear of the unknown. What will it be like? What will it feel like? What happens to the me that I am? Should I be thinking about God, about religion? When will it happen? What do I do?
I can give you no definitive answers to those questions. I can say that we die according to our personality and how we have approached other challenges in our living. I can say we will sleep through the labor of dying. I can say that, unless we experience a fast death, we don't go from being aware one minute and dead the next, even though that is how the movies portray dying.
Here is what I've learned from watching many people die:
- Our body knows how to die. It is our conscious mind that does not know what to expect or how to let go.
- Gradual dying from disease begins three to four months before death arrives. This is when our mind is searching for answers, for direction. It is during these months that we worry, are scared, and have questions that have no answers. This is when fear is often the most prominent.
- Labor begins one to three weeks before death. We sleep more and even when awake, everything is like a dream. Our body may be moving and restless, but when labor begins our thinking, rational mind diminishes. Our instinct, our body, takes over and begins releasing its hold on living. Our perception of living is no longer about what is going on around us.
- In the minutes to hours before death arrives, our attention is inward. There are no special, consciously-said words just before we're gone. There is a "push," a bodily release, a few long, spaced out breaths, and our work is finished.
Knowing these things doesn't mean we won't be afraid. Dying is still an unknown for each of us. But knowing what the body does and understanding that dying is a process can take away some of the fear. Our bodies know how to die.
Something more... about managing our fear of dying
The End of Life Guideline Series explains what happens as death approaches, what to expect in the final days and hours, and how grief affects us afterward. These five booklets offer simple, practical information to help you understand the dying process and feel more prepared for what lies ahead.
