Whimpers and Tears in the Actively Dying

Dear Barbara, my mom recently passed away while surrounded by her kids and husband. I cannot stop replaying her last moments over and over again in my head. I know this is normal. However, she had a disease that impacted her speech and for a week before she died, she could not speak at all and slept constantly. Then, minutes before she died, she gave a few whimpers and shed one tear. My brother and I are tormented by this, as we want to know why these things both happened. Why the whimpers? Why the tear? She had an incredibly strong Christian faith, so I am trying to reassure myself that it was not sadness, but perhaps, joy and awe. Or maybe she was just simply sad to leave her kids and husband. I know we will never know. But I am wondering if you could speak on any similar experiences you have witnessed of either or both of these things.

It is interesting to me how much importance we all seem to place on the last few minutes before physical life ends. You are not the first person to ask me about what occurred during a loved one's last moments. We witness the tears, the facial expressions, the sounds, the grimaces. Yet we are so often unaware of those very expressions as life progresses on its routine daily basis. It isn’t until life is ending that we become observant.

What happens at the moment of death or in the hours before death, is generally just normal body actions. A tear is natural -- the eyes are partially open and have been for days or even weeks. There is a drying out of the eyes and the body is trying very hard to produce moisture. Without blinking (and the eyes are not blinking) moisture accumulates and rolls down the cheek producing a tear (generally not a lot of “tears” because the body is dehydrated and not functioning as it normally would).

It seems poetic to believe the tear is sadness or emotionally based. I believe the “tear” is physiologically based. The person at the moment of death is so withdrawn from their body that they are not expressing emotions or even feeling emotions. Their work is that of the little chick working to get out of the shell. They have already withdrawn from what goes on around them days or even weeks before this moment.

The “whimpers” are part of the sounds of dying, no more, no less. Sighs, moans, gurgles, and soundless cries are all part of the normal, natural way a person dies. We, with our fear and deep sadness of the moment, react and hold on to every expression as if it has meaning. It doesn’t.

What does have meaning and is important is that the person who is actively dying can, on some unconscious level, hear. Imagine standing outside watching and experiencing a beautiful piece of nature. You are caught up in the splendor of the moment and from a distance you hear someone speaking to you, calling to you. You hear but softly from a distance. I believe that is how the person actively dying hears us. We, the watchers, need to say what is in our hearts (hopeful we have taken the opportunity to do that long before this moment) and then after we have said our goodbyes just be a presence. Touch, hold, be love as we walk to the end of life with our special person.

Something more about Whimpers and Tears...

When a loved one enters the dying process, it would be so helpful to know what to expect, what to look for. After being at the bedside of hundreds of deaths, I decided to write a hand book for families to help them navigate these waters. Gone From My Sight is the first and most widely used handbook on the signs of approaching death. Churches, families, social workers, nurses, chaplains need this book. Do you have yours?

Related products

34 comments

Sharon

I lost my Mom 2 days ago at the most wonderful age of 100. She has been in an assisted living facility for 4 years due to dementia. She however knew my voice when I walked in the door to visit and would smile. After COVID restrictions started, I hired on as a nurse at the facility so I could be with her. 2 weeks prior to her passing she started being unable to swallow. Hospice was started.
As a RN, I’ve witnessed hundreds of deaths. I have never witnessed a tear at death or maybe I just never noticed. When my Mom passed she was very dehydrated but was kept comfortable on every 2 hour morphine SL. I also put artificial tear gel in her eyes every 4 hours. As she took her last breath, a single tear fell from her right eye (tear of joy is the right side) This was Mom being welcomed by Jesus and my siblings that went ahead of her.

Anna Dowling

My mum passed away 2 days ago .she had secondary breast cancer that had spread to her lungs ,spine and lympnode. I watched her slowly slipping away from us for 6 months . She never talked to us about passing away so I’m just thinking was she scared what was she thinking she never said good bye .in the last 10 hours her breathing was a struggle her eyes were open and was blinking but not looking at anything or us but wen we wiped her mouth she would kind of move her head lips I just want to know was she awake or was she sleeping with her eyes half open .wen i told her i loved her and said are u ready to go to dad now a tear was coming out her eye . I’m just hurting so much and keep thinking about the final day mum left us

Barbara

Hi Leigh, from your description of your mother’s last days, yes, she was working to get out of her body. It sounds like she did everything right. She was restless, she was murmuring she wasn’t eating or drinking much, she wasn’t connected to this world. She was the little chick working very hard to get out of her shell. All was as it was supposed to be. She did a good job How fortunate she was to be in your home and have family taking care of her. My blessings are with you. Barbara

Barbara

Hi Margaret, In response to your question about if your father was a “unconscious” in the days before he died. “Unconscious” is the questionable word here. What does that really mean? Does it mean he was aware of his surroundings? I believe he could hear but it is as if from afar but being fully aware of his surrounding I do not think so. His world was much like a dream and he would respond to the dream he was having , not what was happening around him. About the grimace: I don’t know if medically he had a history of pain and was receiving pain medicine. If that was the case then yes the grimace could have indicated pain but more than likely it just indicated discomfort at having his position changed and being disturbed. Blessings! Barbara

Leigh Kilsdonk

My nom passed away of end-stage bladder cancer in late October.And a couple weeks before she died her home health aide from Heartland Home Hospice was at our house to give her a bed bath and she and I also changed her bedsheets, and afterward my mom cried out ‘let me out’ in a whining quality as she lay there covered in a quilt. And on her last day she didn’t eat anything, only drank sips of root beer soda and ice water from straws. That evening she rolled out of bed and my sister-in-law came over to help me get her back in bed. She also helped me change her diaper. Shortly afterward a nurse came to check her out. My mom was very restless from that afternoon on until the nurse gave her morphine(2 doses were needed) to calm her down. I between doses she cried out "help me! She passed away in the early hours of the following day. Do these incidences mean that she was trying to let go?

1 2 3 4 7

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published