Dear Barbara,
Is the death process different when a person is killed by violence—such as a gunshot, stabbing, or physical beating—than when death comes suddenly through an accident? In both situations, death is immediate, and the person doesn't have time to sort through thoughts or see landscapes.
Those killed by violence or any other way where death is immediate (car accident, fall, stroke, heart attack that results in immediate death) do not follow any of the "rules" of dying. A person is literally alive one moment and dead the next.
BUT if a person is not immediately dead, if there is time between injury and death, then there will be the same signs that there are when a person approaches death gradually.
In the movies, a person says something pertinent, meaningful, and important and then closes their eyes and is dead. In real life, from the perspective of an unexpected death, the person will generally be non-responsive in the minutes to hours and sometimes days before death. Or, if they are talking, they aren't making sense.
This kind of dying is like a gradual death and follows the same patterns as someone dying from disease or old age.
What do the survivors of someone who has died a sudden, unexpected death do? Our grief will be different. We will need different closure. We will be aware of all the things we wish we had done but didn’t. We will have anger and confusion.
Aside from the closure that funerals and visitations bring, we can do more personal, private activity. Write the person a letter. Put all your thoughts - positive and negative - on paper. Either put the letter in the casket or give it to the funeral home to put in the casket if there is a closed casket. You can also create your own ritual of burning the letter and scattering the ashes to the wind.
Fast death is harder on us, the survivors. The person that died literally doesn’t know what hit them, and has had no time to think. It is we, the survivors, that have no completion, no point of ending. We have lots and lots of disbelief, unanswered questions, and anger. We will probably carry some of those feelings with us forever.
Something more...
Grief after a sudden death can feel isolating. This is not something you should carry alone. Find someone who can listen without trying to fix you. Someone who can sit with your anger, your questions, and your disbelief. Support does not make the grief go away—but it can make it more bearable.
7 comments
EVELYN
Hi Barbara,
I have a Transgender daughter, who is really struggling with life after her transgression from male to female. I have really tried to accept this unconditionally, but still struggle to accept her. My fear after her divorce from my daughter-in-law and the fact that she cannot find employment in the public space, and can only do onlie call centre or forex online broker, which has since dried up mainly due to the war in the Middle East…. she has become a shadow of her fromer self, from having owned a multi-million profit making business, to a lonley person living in a room in the backyard of someone’s house, who earns her keep by washing the landlord’s car every week and acting as housemaid…. I am feeling so guilty, as a pensioner of 68 who is battling to survive on my own, and with two other sons who are barely getting through the month on their salaries. My fear is that she will eventually take her own life, which is something I have been warned about by many professional medical people… My question here is; How does any parent manage their guilt after their child takes their own life?
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BK Books replied:
Oh, Evelyn, so much to live with! I don’t have words to describe how you can manage your grief so much depends on your own personality. Find a grief support group and/or grief counselor to help you. It will be challenging but try to let how well you live your life going forward be the gift of love you give your daughter. Blessings to you both during this challenging time. Barbara
Hi Barbara,
I have a Transgender daughter, who is really struggling with life after her transgression from male to female. I have really tried to accept this unconditionally, but still struggle to accept her. My fear after her divorce from my daughter-in-law and the fact that she cannot find employment in the public space, and can only do onlie call centre or forex online broker, which has since dried up mainly due to the war in the Middle East…. she has become a shadow of her fromer self, from having owned a multi-million profit making business, to a lonley person living in a room in the backyard of someone’s house, who earns her keep by washing the landlord’s car every week and acting as housemaid…. I am feeling so guilty, as a pensioner of 68 who is battling to survive on my own, and with two other sons who are barely getting through the month on their salaries. My fear is that she will eventually take her own life, which is something I have been warned about by many professional medical people… My question here is; How does any parent manage their guilt after their child takes their own life?
———
BK Books replied:
Oh, Evelyn, so much to live with! I don’t have words to describe how you can manage your grief so much depends on your own personality. Find a grief support group and/or grief counselor to help you. It will be challenging but try to let how well you live your life going forward be the gift of love you give your daughter. Blessings to you both during this challenging time. Barbara
Victor Hamel
Dear Barbara:
I’m a 68 single male and I don’t have a family for support. I’m in constant mechanical pain and agony along with major internal medical issues. There are times, I even have mobility. I want a peaceful end of life. I’m thinking of thanking 10 morphine pills of 30 MG, and listening to soothing music. Is that something they use in palliative care for end of life?
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BK Books replied:
Victor, this is advise I cannot give you. I appreciate the direction your thoughts and pain are taking you. I hope you have someone you can talk with who will be a listener for you. My blessings to you. Barbara
Dear Barbara:
I’m a 68 single male and I don’t have a family for support. I’m in constant mechanical pain and agony along with major internal medical issues. There are times, I even have mobility. I want a peaceful end of life. I’m thinking of thanking 10 morphine pills of 30 MG, and listening to soothing music. Is that something they use in palliative care for end of life?
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BK Books replied:
Victor, this is advise I cannot give you. I appreciate the direction your thoughts and pain are taking you. I hope you have someone you can talk with who will be a listener for you. My blessings to you. Barbara
Chris Cheek
Brenda & Sandy,
I’m so sorry for your losses of your son and grandson. Praying that the peace that passes understanding will fill your hearts that only Jesus can give. Hugs and prayers, Chris
Brenda & Sandy,
I’m so sorry for your losses of your son and grandson. Praying that the peace that passes understanding will fill your hearts that only Jesus can give. Hugs and prayers, Chris
Gail Raymon
Thank you for this, Barbara, I have struggled with my experiences of the deaths of two dear friends who died very differently, one for which we were prepared and one not at all. One, age 89, two years after a terminal diagnosis, died with loving care from friends, family and hospice at home and the other in middle age died unexpectedly while out of the country.
My grief was complicated and prolonged with the shock and the subsequent delay of the memorial service pending the return of the body from overseas.
Thank you once again for your supportive guidance for end of life, it has been so healing.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Gail, You did not get the opportunity for closure with your friend who died suddenly. You might write her a letter and put all your thoughts, what you would have liked to say to her on paper. Burn the paper and scatter the ashes to the wind. Blessings to you. Barbara
Thank you for this, Barbara, I have struggled with my experiences of the deaths of two dear friends who died very differently, one for which we were prepared and one not at all. One, age 89, two years after a terminal diagnosis, died with loving care from friends, family and hospice at home and the other in middle age died unexpectedly while out of the country.
My grief was complicated and prolonged with the shock and the subsequent delay of the memorial service pending the return of the body from overseas.
Thank you once again for your supportive guidance for end of life, it has been so healing.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Gail, You did not get the opportunity for closure with your friend who died suddenly. You might write her a letter and put all your thoughts, what you would have liked to say to her on paper. Burn the paper and scatter the ashes to the wind. Blessings to you. Barbara
Lyn Berman
Dear Sandi,
I have 4 grandkids, 3 are 23 and the 4th is 26. I can’t imagine your sorrow at losing your precious grandson. I want you to know, I am sending you my guardian angels, my love and a BIG HUG. Thinking of you.
Luv,
Lyn
Dear Sandi,
I have 4 grandkids, 3 are 23 and the 4th is 26. I can’t imagine your sorrow at losing your precious grandson. I want you to know, I am sending you my guardian angels, my love and a BIG HUG. Thinking of you.
Luv,
Lyn
Brenda
Thank you for addressing violent deaths. After my 39 year old daughter died from a gunshot wound, most people who did talk to me became so emotional that I ended up comforting them.
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BK Books replied:
Brenda, our young are not suppose to die. It seems a life law is broken which leave us at a loss for words. My blessings to you. Barbara
Thank you for addressing violent deaths. After my 39 year old daughter died from a gunshot wound, most people who did talk to me became so emotional that I ended up comforting them.
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BK Books replied:
Brenda, our young are not suppose to die. It seems a life law is broken which leave us at a loss for words. My blessings to you. Barbara
Sandi Morris
I appreciated this explanation very much. On New Year’s Day, this year, my 25 year old died unexpectedly after heart surgery. He was the grandchild most like me and my best friend. I am 75 and he called to check on me and even took me to see movies he thought I would enjoy. His death is crushing and the worst grief I have ever experienced. I should have passed on lo g before my precious grand child. Tge loss is worse because his parents refused to let any other family see him before he died. He was unresponsive and hooked to tobes and they felt he would not want anyone to see him. I never got to give him his Christmas gifts and found the hoodie I had bought him still wrapped. I held it and wept inconsolably. Acceptance is not a possibility at my age.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Sandi, I am so sorry. The young are not supposed to die before us. Since you did not get to say goodbye write him a letter. Put everything from your heart that you would say to him on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you move forward in your life be the gift of love you give him. Blessing Barbara
I appreciated this explanation very much. On New Year’s Day, this year, my 25 year old died unexpectedly after heart surgery. He was the grandchild most like me and my best friend. I am 75 and he called to check on me and even took me to see movies he thought I would enjoy. His death is crushing and the worst grief I have ever experienced. I should have passed on lo g before my precious grand child. Tge loss is worse because his parents refused to let any other family see him before he died. He was unresponsive and hooked to tobes and they felt he would not want anyone to see him. I never got to give him his Christmas gifts and found the hoodie I had bought him still wrapped. I held it and wept inconsolably. Acceptance is not a possibility at my age.
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Sandi, I am so sorry. The young are not supposed to die before us. Since you did not get to say goodbye write him a letter. Put everything from your heart that you would say to him on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you move forward in your life be the gift of love you give him. Blessing Barbara