I debated sending out this blog — it might be a bit scary, too unsettling. Maybe ignorance truly is bliss. So this is your warning! If you are in your late 70’s or above this may be unsettling to read.
The circle of life. We are born, we experience, and then we die. We go through labor to enter this world. Mom does most of the work, but it is still an effort for us to enter this cold, bright, loud world.
Upon entry, we are first given mom's milk, then progress to water and soft foods, and finally we have regular food. Also in those early months we sleep (hopefully, for our parents) most of the time. Our awake time gradually increases as napping decreases and we are just sleeping all night.
Let’s add socialization to our similarities. The first smiles of recognition are from our inner family circle. Gradually, our circle expands from parents, to family, to friends, to the neighborhood, to the community, to the world.
For seniors, all these stages of development are reversed. Solid foods become soft food, then soft foods give way to protein supplements (the equivalent of milk) lastly sips of water. Sleeping patterns are reversed, also. We transition from being awake during the day and sleeping at night to taking more naps and sleeping more, overall. And finally we are asleep more than we are awake until we are not getting out of bed at all. Our socialization is reversed also. From being “out in the world,” we gradually do less and less. Our circle of interest and involvement gets smaller and smaller. Most of us die being non-responsive, the equivalent of being mostly unaware of our surroundings.
You see where I am going with this. There are two ways to die, gradual or fast. Gradual is from disease OR old age. Gradual death from disease takes two-to-four months. Gradual death from old age, with no disease process, takes years. How many? I don’t know. But slowly, ever so slowly, the body begins to slow down, eat less, sleep more, and become less social. When labor begins (the actual birthing into the other world, for lack of a better description) it will take the same amount of time as gradual death from disease, which is generally one-to-three weeks.
Gradually dying from old age is a process in itself, another example of the circle of life. What do we do with this knowledge? I don’t know. Maybe it just helps us appreciate the gift of living.
Something more...
We don’t talk about this part of life very often. In The Final Act of Living, I share what years at the bedside have taught me about this final chapter — and how to approach it with understanding.
11 comments
Cathi Nye
Perfect timing for this “Circle of Life” post . My mother (91) is entering that final stage, still eating a bit, talking, sharing things as we go through paperwork, drawers, closets etc.
We think maybe 2 weeks if we are lucky.
I have all your books and brought them to share with family and friends that are stopping by to say goodbye
Thank you for your wisdom, advice and care over the years
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BK Books replied:
Hi Cathi, You are doing an important task of “getting affairs in order”. Good for both of you. I will say best not think a number (two weeks). She sounds pretty active and alert. We always get in trouble when we think in actual numbers. Better to think in weeks. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Perfect timing for this “Circle of Life” post . My mother (91) is entering that final stage, still eating a bit, talking, sharing things as we go through paperwork, drawers, closets etc.
We think maybe 2 weeks if we are lucky.
I have all your books and brought them to share with family and friends that are stopping by to say goodbye
Thank you for your wisdom, advice and care over the years
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Cathi, You are doing an important task of “getting affairs in order”. Good for both of you. I will say best not think a number (two weeks). She sounds pretty active and alert. We always get in trouble when we think in actual numbers. Better to think in weeks. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Jennifer
Thank you Barbara. I learn from your messages and it brings me comfort to process the understanding of what is ahead for myself, friends and family. I have experienced many deaths in the last year and feel the more I learn the better I navigate my grief and am able to focus on appreciating the life I am living. Thank you for your continue to educate and share your wisdom.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jennifer, I agree, the more we know about anything the better prepared we are to deal with it. Blessings to you. Barbara
Thank you Barbara. I learn from your messages and it brings me comfort to process the understanding of what is ahead for myself, friends and family. I have experienced many deaths in the last year and feel the more I learn the better I navigate my grief and am able to focus on appreciating the life I am living. Thank you for your continue to educate and share your wisdom.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jennifer, I agree, the more we know about anything the better prepared we are to deal with it. Blessings to you. Barbara
Kaye Neely
Thank you for publishing this. I am caring for my 99 year old father. He is relatively healthy but I am watching him decline with age, so I appreciate your words. It’s helpful to understand the process ahead of us.
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BK Books replied:
Blessings to you and your dad. Barbara
Thank you for publishing this. I am caring for my 99 year old father. He is relatively healthy but I am watching him decline with age, so I appreciate your words. It’s helpful to understand the process ahead of us.
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BK Books replied:
Blessings to you and your dad. Barbara
Tricia
I am grateful for your insights!
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BK Books replied:
Tricia, You’re welcome. Blessings! Barbara
I am grateful for your insights!
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BK Books replied:
Tricia, You’re welcome. Blessings! Barbara
Sharon
I am 76, and oncologist advised approximately 5 months ago I probably have a year to live. I am not afraid, and at peace. My main worry is my husband and three daughters seeing me in pain, and the changes that occur with end of life. I have read several books by hospice nurses, and will be blessed for their help when needed. Karin Van Vlack at Emory gave me your information to order your pamphlets. I will discuss these changes as the time gets closer. Thank you for your invaluable information. I truly believe the more we discuss the end of life, the less afraid we are of death. Sharon
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sharon, thank you for writing me. I have a couple of thoughts: don’t get hung up in the one year your oncologist gave you. Ask yourself each night "what did I do that brought me joy and also fulfillment. Did I do something good today? This will help you live one day at a time (which is good for all of us to be doing.) Also get my booklets now before everyone needs them. Read them together, talk about them. This leads to conversations about what you want and don’t want. www.bkbooks.com 4. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
I am 76, and oncologist advised approximately 5 months ago I probably have a year to live. I am not afraid, and at peace. My main worry is my husband and three daughters seeing me in pain, and the changes that occur with end of life. I have read several books by hospice nurses, and will be blessed for their help when needed. Karin Van Vlack at Emory gave me your information to order your pamphlets. I will discuss these changes as the time gets closer. Thank you for your invaluable information. I truly believe the more we discuss the end of life, the less afraid we are of death. Sharon
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sharon, thank you for writing me. I have a couple of thoughts: don’t get hung up in the one year your oncologist gave you. Ask yourself each night "what did I do that brought me joy and also fulfillment. Did I do something good today? This will help you live one day at a time (which is good for all of us to be doing.) Also get my booklets now before everyone needs them. Read them together, talk about them. This leads to conversations about what you want and don’t want. www.bkbooks.com 4. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Susan Holmes
DEAR Barbara, God Bless you, and “your calling”! You’ve given me a greater awareness and appreciation for every day, and all my Loved Ones. For what is important! You’ve enabled me to bring awareness, help and comfort to others! Your “giving back” is endless!
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BK Books replied:
Susan, thank you for your kind words. Blessings to you and your Loved Ones. Barbara
DEAR Barbara, God Bless you, and “your calling”! You’ve given me a greater awareness and appreciation for every day, and all my Loved Ones. For what is important! You’ve enabled me to bring awareness, help and comfort to others! Your “giving back” is endless!
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BK Books replied:
Susan, thank you for your kind words. Blessings to you and your Loved Ones. Barbara
Sandy
Thank you for sharing all your knowledge❣️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Sandy. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing all your knowledge❣️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Sandy. Blessings! Barbara
Dawn Young
So true. Living to old age is not for sissy’s.
So many things you say goodbye to: independent living, no driving, loss of health including eyesight and ambulating, it’s quite the eye opener. Thanks for continuing to educate us.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dawn, I think we elders grieve these many losses and often don’t realize we are grieving. Blessings to you. Barbara
So true. Living to old age is not for sissy’s.
So many things you say goodbye to: independent living, no driving, loss of health including eyesight and ambulating, it’s quite the eye opener. Thanks for continuing to educate us.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Dawn, I think we elders grieve these many losses and often don’t realize we are grieving. Blessings to you. Barbara
Teresa Vance
Barbara,
Eight years ago, my father died. One of the hospice nurses gave me your booklet Gone from my sight. It helped me immensely.
My husband died almost a week ago, and again that booklet gave me so much comfort. The hospice nurses were so compassionate and caring. They actually cried along with me.
Thank you for sharing your insights.
Teresa Vance
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BK Books replied:
Hi Teresa, My thoughts go out to you are you grieve the death of your husband. Do you have my grief booklet My Friend, I Care? Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Barbara,
Eight years ago, my father died. One of the hospice nurses gave me your booklet Gone from my sight. It helped me immensely.
My husband died almost a week ago, and again that booklet gave me so much comfort. The hospice nurses were so compassionate and caring. They actually cried along with me.
Thank you for sharing your insights.
Teresa Vance
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BK Books replied:
Hi Teresa, My thoughts go out to you are you grieve the death of your husband. Do you have my grief booklet My Friend, I Care? Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Traci Eaton
That is a gentle but factual analogy and I appreciate it for that. Humans have invented rites of passage around death for eons and eons. Long before formal religions modern archeologists have discovered that the human precursors of Homo sapiens honored their dead with special care, grave goods and burial sites safe from animal predation. If only modern life could fill in the background of the scene you set for us with loving, caring families, trained to understand this process. Alas, that is merely a dream. Most of us will die, alone, in a #nocarehealthcare facility surrounded by strangers who are motivated primarily by a job with a salary and a boss with a profit motive. Families are smaller and far flung and even if they care it is impossible to be present due to other obligations or even the limitations of their own advanced age and frailty.
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BK Books replied:
Traci, you paint a very sad picture that non of us want, yet as you say too many of us will have that very experience. Let’s work to make a difference. Hospice and End of Life doulas are trying. Blessings! Barbara
That is a gentle but factual analogy and I appreciate it for that. Humans have invented rites of passage around death for eons and eons. Long before formal religions modern archeologists have discovered that the human precursors of Homo sapiens honored their dead with special care, grave goods and burial sites safe from animal predation. If only modern life could fill in the background of the scene you set for us with loving, caring families, trained to understand this process. Alas, that is merely a dream. Most of us will die, alone, in a #nocarehealthcare facility surrounded by strangers who are motivated primarily by a job with a salary and a boss with a profit motive. Families are smaller and far flung and even if they care it is impossible to be present due to other obligations or even the limitations of their own advanced age and frailty.
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BK Books replied:
Traci, you paint a very sad picture that non of us want, yet as you say too many of us will have that very experience. Let’s work to make a difference. Hospice and End of Life doulas are trying. Blessings! Barbara
PRISCILLA
Ms. Barbara,
I just love your emails on death and dying and this one (the quiet work of old age) really hit home for me, even though I’m only 66 yrs. Please keep educating and guiding us through the death process with our love ones.
Be Blessed!
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Priscilla. Yes, I’ll keep offering guidance on end of living. Blessings! Barbara
Ms. Barbara,
I just love your emails on death and dying and this one (the quiet work of old age) really hit home for me, even though I’m only 66 yrs. Please keep educating and guiding us through the death process with our love ones.
Be Blessed!
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Priscilla. Yes, I’ll keep offering guidance on end of living. Blessings! Barbara