From the emails I receive, it seems that the three most concerning, upsetting aspects of dying for the watchers are agitation, hallucinations, and the gurgling from excess moisture in the throat and/or back of the mouth.
These three areas are very much a part of the dying process. Many dying people have them, it’s just that most people don’t know they are normal.
Dying is generally not a pretty sight. When we don’t see it as it unfolds in the movies - neat, tidy, and calm - we think something is wrong.
We used to know what dying looked like. Grandma lived with us. When she got sick and couldn’t be fixed, she was in our upstairs bedroom. We all gathered around her while she died. We saw death as a natural part of life. We saw what dying looks like because we were with her.
Later in our history, hospitals became the place most of us died. Unfortunately, grandma was often at the end of the hospital hall and alone with no family. We weren’t with her. We didn’t learn what dying looks like.
The next step in how we Americans cared for our dying through nursing homes. Again, grandma died alone at the end of the hall. Again, we weren’t there.
A benefit that would have come if we had been with her, aside from the comfort our presence would have brought to her, is that we would have learned what dying looks like. We would have seen and heard the mucus gathering in the back of her throat. We would have heard her breathing sounds, gurgling sounds. We would have seen the pee and poop she couldn’t control. We would have been aware of the restlessness, the random hand, leg, and body movements.
I think we are beginning to come full circle. Grandmas are often home now when they die. There’s support and guidance for caretakers to provide that care at home. We are seeing how death happens, what it looks like,and learning what to do while dying is occurring.
Through support, guidance, and education from hospice and end of life doulas, grandma is coming back home.
Something more...
If you’re caring for someone who is dying and what you’re seeing feels unsettling, I encourage you to watch New Rules for End of Life Care. It offers clear guidance for families and caregivers navigating the realities of dying.
