When I was 17, a junior in high school, I worked on weekends as a nurse's aide in a small midwestern hospital. One day the head nurse told me to go sit with a patient and tell her when she was dead.
Talk about being scared! The only previous experience I had with death was seeing my grandfather in a dark, scary funeral home. I was 14 and had been told I wasn’t old enough to go to the funeral. BUT they said it was okay to see him in the dark Victorian mansion of a funeral home in a room lit only by a candle. Big mistake! I can still see, all these years later, that dark room and his head slightly raised above the rim of the casket. Need I say, as a result of that experience, death became very frightening to me.
Anyway, being the good nurse's aide that I tried to be, I did what I was told and went into the room at the end of the hall. I stood at the door, as far away from the woman as I could and watched her. She was laying there, as if asleep, but breathing in a way I found to be “funny.”
I stayed by the door, actually holding onto the door frame behind me. I don’t know how long I stayed and watched the woman. At some point she stopped breathing, but I stayed there a little longer. Finally I decided she must have died. I left the room and told the head nurse I thought she was dead.
That was it. Everyone went about their business. No one asked me how I felt, no one saw me crying in the bathroom. No one realized, including me, what a profound effect being with that woman had on the rest of my life.
As a freshman in nursing school, my student supervisor told me a lady in one of the rooms had just died. I was to go into the room (alone) and bathe her body. Being the good student nurse that I was, I did what I was told. I got a pan of water and began washing this woman’s body. I was close to her, touching her, doing one of the most personal tasks a person can do — bathing another. Needless to say, this was just as scary as my first two encounters with death.
Those experiences left a lasting mark. When I was 34 and my other grandfather died, I went to the visitation, but wouldn’t go into the room where everyone was gathering. I stayed out in the hall.
How in the world did I ever become involved in end of life work?
I think it was the search for meaning in life, the search for self-awareness, the “what is life about” journey I had in my 30s and 40s that brought me to where I am today. Perhaps those early experiences with dying and death laid the groundwork for my recognizing the fear most people carry around the end of life.
I remember one day during my daily meditation I said "I want to be of service. Use me as You will". A part of me believes that prayer was directed and answered.
Something more...
Facing the end of life is often filled with fear simply because we don’t know what to expect. The Approaching Death Support Kit was created to bring clarity, reassurance, and guidance during this sacred time. It helps families and caregivers understand the physical, emotional, and spiritual changes that occur as death nears — so no one has to feel unprepared or alone. If you or someone you love is walking this journey, this kit offers calm, practical support when it’s needed most.
8 comments
Rebecca sntsl
Hi.I was with my beautiful mom when she passed away.that was the hardest thing I have ever done.she had brain cancer.I can still hear that sound of her breathing.and remember when she took her last breath.this was in Sept 2025.I visited everyday and all she kept saying is she wants to go home and was calling for my grandma who died in 1969.I miss her so much everyday. In June of 2025,I also lost my brother I found him in his bedroom. they said it was a seizer and he had a heart attack.he was sitting on the floor by his bed..he was 59 one month away from being 60.he was so excited to be turning 60.he was handicapped.don’t know how I feel.I’m lost everyday. But I have to be strong for I have another brother who needs me now.thank you for listening to me.
Hi.I was with my beautiful mom when she passed away.that was the hardest thing I have ever done.she had brain cancer.I can still hear that sound of her breathing.and remember when she took her last breath.this was in Sept 2025.I visited everyday and all she kept saying is she wants to go home and was calling for my grandma who died in 1969.I miss her so much everyday. In June of 2025,I also lost my brother I found him in his bedroom. they said it was a seizer and he had a heart attack.he was sitting on the floor by his bed..he was 59 one month away from being 60.he was so excited to be turning 60.he was handicapped.don’t know how I feel.I’m lost everyday. But I have to be strong for I have another brother who needs me now.thank you for listening to me.
susie payne
My first experience with death was a lot like yours – I was a nurses aid in a nursing home in high school and worked weekends. One of my pts was in the process of dying and I asked my boss if I could stay and be with her. Pt. had a daughter who rarely visited and I really didn’t want her being alone. She had dementia and was dying of cancer. I sat in the room beside her, scared of “what would happen next” but curious about the dying process. When I realized she had taken her last breath, I ran to the dining room where the nurse was, a little scared and said ‘I think she is gone." The nurse came back to the room, as well as one of the other resident’s daughters who visited every day to feed her Mom supper. The daughter gave me some emotional support and the nurse said “you won’t get paid for staying.” I was smart enough to be somewhat offended by her comment, but wise enough to know I did he right thing. I did not let her comment diminish my experience. I will never forget that pt’s name – Alberta Lane – or that experience. I have since been with several others who have died, including my parents. I know a lot more now, some 50 years later. But this will always remain in my memory. I am thankful for this early in life experience.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susie, thank you for sharing your experience with us. We carry them with us forever. Blessings! Barbara
My first experience with death was a lot like yours – I was a nurses aid in a nursing home in high school and worked weekends. One of my pts was in the process of dying and I asked my boss if I could stay and be with her. Pt. had a daughter who rarely visited and I really didn’t want her being alone. She had dementia and was dying of cancer. I sat in the room beside her, scared of “what would happen next” but curious about the dying process. When I realized she had taken her last breath, I ran to the dining room where the nurse was, a little scared and said ‘I think she is gone." The nurse came back to the room, as well as one of the other resident’s daughters who visited every day to feed her Mom supper. The daughter gave me some emotional support and the nurse said “you won’t get paid for staying.” I was smart enough to be somewhat offended by her comment, but wise enough to know I did he right thing. I did not let her comment diminish my experience. I will never forget that pt’s name – Alberta Lane – or that experience. I have since been with several others who have died, including my parents. I know a lot more now, some 50 years later. But this will always remain in my memory. I am thankful for this early in life experience.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susie, thank you for sharing your experience with us. We carry them with us forever. Blessings! Barbara
Maureen Kures
This brought back memories of my grandfather’s death when I was in second grade. I was 100% unprepared for his open casket funeral and I was scared to death. I come from a family that did not talk about death, and stuffed their grief. Thus, I was very scared of death.
My first nursing job was on an oncology unit. I wanted to get my experience and get out of there as fast as I could.
What I found was death was not as scary as I thought. It was an honor to care for the bodies of these precious patients I had cared for at the end of their life.
My fear was gone.
I have felt called to help try ease that fear that so many people experience related to death and dying.
Thank you for being my guide on the side. When I need the right words to say or the right way to approach a situation, I turn to your wonderful booklets.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information with me!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Maureen, if we as parents would just talk to our children about death and make it a natural part of living (which it is) as adults we would be less afraid and more prepared for what life brings. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
This brought back memories of my grandfather’s death when I was in second grade. I was 100% unprepared for his open casket funeral and I was scared to death. I come from a family that did not talk about death, and stuffed their grief. Thus, I was very scared of death.
My first nursing job was on an oncology unit. I wanted to get my experience and get out of there as fast as I could.
What I found was death was not as scary as I thought. It was an honor to care for the bodies of these precious patients I had cared for at the end of their life.
My fear was gone.
I have felt called to help try ease that fear that so many people experience related to death and dying.
Thank you for being my guide on the side. When I need the right words to say or the right way to approach a situation, I turn to your wonderful booklets.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information with me!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Maureen, if we as parents would just talk to our children about death and make it a natural part of living (which it is) as adults we would be less afraid and more prepared for what life brings. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Eve Mclellan
Dear Barbara
Having your booklets which I found out about from an internet search helped me enormously when I was caring for my mother in her last year (or two because she lived to be very old 104.5 years ) of her life. Reading and reflecting removed the uncertainty and fear and your writing communicated such respect for the dying person in a discreet way. I am so glad I found your work and thank you so much for following your vocation.
Thank you
Eve ( Melbourne Australia)
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BK Books replied:
Dear Eve, I am pleased my booklets helped you during the challenging time your mother was ill and dying. My blessings to you! Barbara
Dear Barbara
Having your booklets which I found out about from an internet search helped me enormously when I was caring for my mother in her last year (or two because she lived to be very old 104.5 years ) of her life. Reading and reflecting removed the uncertainty and fear and your writing communicated such respect for the dying person in a discreet way. I am so glad I found your work and thank you so much for following your vocation.
Thank you
Eve ( Melbourne Australia)
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BK Books replied:
Dear Eve, I am pleased my booklets helped you during the challenging time your mother was ill and dying. My blessings to you! Barbara
Susan Gambetta
Having gone through the experience of being the caretaker for my significant other while he was in home hospice (five months) I can look back and say that there is one thing that I would do differently. I would get into the bed with him more often just to give him, and me, more of the physical closeness that we shared before things got that serious. I always asked him if I could “come by him” and when he agreed I would have him scootch over just enough to give me the room to lay next to him and cuddle gently without causing him pain or discomfort. I wish I had done that more… 😢😢😢
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BK Books replied:
Oh Susan, But you did get into bed with him. You gave him the gift. Lamenting that you didn’t do it enough takes away from the gift you gave him. You did good in loving and supporting him. Bless you. Barbara
Having gone through the experience of being the caretaker for my significant other while he was in home hospice (five months) I can look back and say that there is one thing that I would do differently. I would get into the bed with him more often just to give him, and me, more of the physical closeness that we shared before things got that serious. I always asked him if I could “come by him” and when he agreed I would have him scootch over just enough to give me the room to lay next to him and cuddle gently without causing him pain or discomfort. I wish I had done that more… 😢😢😢
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BK Books replied:
Oh Susan, But you did get into bed with him. You gave him the gift. Lamenting that you didn’t do it enough takes away from the gift you gave him. You did good in loving and supporting him. Bless you. Barbara
Kimberly
When I was in nursing school I helped with the births of a few stillborn babies. We washed the babies, wrapped them in blankets, and laid them in their mothers’ arms, just as we did with babies who had normal births. But those tiny souls were already dead. My first experience with actual death was holding my beloved dog of 15 years in my arms as she took her last breath. I felt like this was a holy gift from God, that He would allow me the privilege of being the last one to hold my precious dog. Since then all of the dogs we have had that have died have died in my arms, and I feel like they have left me one final gift: to gently hold their bodies as their spirits cross into heaven. I still have many, many questions about death, and personally some fears I need to work out. But holding my beloved dogs as they took their last breaths has profoundly changed me, as well.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kimberly, our pets hold such a special place in our lives and hearts. It is a gift to give them the love and security of being with them as they go from this world to the next. Blessings! Barbara
When I was in nursing school I helped with the births of a few stillborn babies. We washed the babies, wrapped them in blankets, and laid them in their mothers’ arms, just as we did with babies who had normal births. But those tiny souls were already dead. My first experience with actual death was holding my beloved dog of 15 years in my arms as she took her last breath. I felt like this was a holy gift from God, that He would allow me the privilege of being the last one to hold my precious dog. Since then all of the dogs we have had that have died have died in my arms, and I feel like they have left me one final gift: to gently hold their bodies as their spirits cross into heaven. I still have many, many questions about death, and personally some fears I need to work out. But holding my beloved dogs as they took their last breaths has profoundly changed me, as well.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kimberly, our pets hold such a special place in our lives and hearts. It is a gift to give them the love and security of being with them as they go from this world to the next. Blessings! Barbara
Martha Smith
So very helpful to me as I began serving as a hospice chaplain.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Martha, blessings to you as you begin your journey into hospice and the lives of the dying. Barbara
So very helpful to me as I began serving as a hospice chaplain.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Martha, blessings to you as you begin your journey into hospice and the lives of the dying. Barbara
Mitzi Meador
Barbara, that was three traumatic experiences!!! I can’t imagine having to do what you did. I’m sure God used those times to prepare you and use you to help very, very many families and caregivers you’ve helped and given comfort to.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mitzi, I agree. I think those early experiences set the stage for what I do now. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, that was three traumatic experiences!!! I can’t imagine having to do what you did. I’m sure God used those times to prepare you and use you to help very, very many families and caregivers you’ve helped and given comfort to.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mitzi, I agree. I think those early experiences set the stage for what I do now. Blessings! Barbara