To my fellow widows and widowers - well, actually to anyone. I think a big part of grieving is loneliness. Loneliness from our person having left us, but also aloneness in our day to day activities.
Monday through Friday, I have people coming in and out of my life. I talk with others, interact with others; BUT on the weekends there is just Baxter cat and me – and he isn’t much of a conversationalist.
Weekends bring me a quiet house. Right now there are no sounds other than my footsteps on the floor, my neighbor’s lawn mower, and my touching the keys as I type this. No shuffling in the bathroom, no doors closing as Jack feeds his fish, no other sense of presence – just Baxter and me.
Earlier, I was quietly eating breakfast, alone, when I had Alexa turn on Barbra Streisand. The house was filled with sound. As I sat there, I wondered why hadn’t I thought of this before. A house filled with music (or maybe the TV sound) doesn’t feel or seem as empty.
I’m realizing how much of a people person I have been. I had never really been alone for any amount of time and when I was alone, I relished the private time – because I didn’t have much of it. Now I have so much alone time, I don’t know what to do. What do I do with just me?
I’m finding that aimlessness is my new challenge. For this “doer” person, when my chores are done, blogs written, and emails answered, I generally have much of the day ahead of me. What to do now becomes the question. Hobbies, TV, reading, or lunch or dinner with friends are happening, BUT there still seems to be a lot of alone time in the house. Baxter and me just wandering around thinking of what to do next.
Am I complaining? Well, maybe a bit. I am also sharing because I know I am not alone in thinking these thoughts. These feelings and thoughts are part of grieving, yet not many talk about it. Not many know this part of normal grief.
Grieving is hard work. There is more to it than just missing our special person. It is missing the day to day contact with them, with someone. We humans are social animals and partners fill that need within us. We are not programmed to be solitary, and yet that is exactly what we widows and widowers are faced with when our special person dies. We, who are now alone, have to learn how to live with and by ourselves.
Something More… about Grieving is Loneliness and Aloneness
I was asked by the company, Help Texts, to write texts about grief and texts to support those who are healthcare workers with compassion fatigue and exhaustion. If you would like to sign yourself or a friend up for these texts, use this link to get a reduced rate: Help Texts
My grief booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience is another tool that provides comfort and direction for those who are grieving the death of a loved one. It makes a terrific sympathy card.
24 comments
Thank you ! God Bless you.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for the blessing! Barbara
Barbara:
It’s so true that— we don’t know what we don’t know! God allows us this grace in this life.
I became a widow at age 23, having been in a committed relationship to my future husband since age 15.
Now, at age 77, I am allowing myself to finally realize the enormity of my loss; this man, Jack, had shared over a third of my young life and we had literally grown up together in each others hearts, minds and arms! He was everything to me and our lives together had been exquisitely planned for so long!
I missed sharing—I’d see something sad, funny, interesting and he wouldn’t be at home that night to discuss it. No more birthday cards, special pies to bake for him as a surprise, or romantic evenings. No more planning our young lives together.
Yes, you say, I was only 23; I could find a life and a love again.
While this is true, and I did, nothing would fill the hole of that sweet love. I learned to sublimate and make the most out of my life; but we don’t write the words again that once had so much meaning. We write new words and look for a full paragraph.
We have our good days and our very sad moments when “if only” or" I miss him/us/me so much that my face changes to a grief I don’t want to feel or see."
Dear Barbara, for your loneliness and loss of Jack, there are no words, only shared emotions and the listening of a kindred soul, yearning for your days to be increasingly filled with happy sighs and more smiles. I wish you so much happiness, Barbara, and many more beautiful melodies you have yet to hear.
You have given so much LIFE to so many. When the overwhelm comes, my wish is that you grab your cat, sit in your favorite chair, allow yourself some beautiful memories, breathe in some sunshine and then remember how important you are to so many of us. It won’t be all you dream, but it will be real!
MAY YOUR HEART KNOW HOW WONDERFUL, UNIQUE AND SPECIAL YOU ARE!
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BK Books replied:
Julie, thank you for sharing and your kind words to me. Blessings! Barbara
I belong to a Widow group and we discuss all of this and it helps knowing that I am not the only one who feels the loneliness that Grief creates.
I feel so envious when I see couples together and want to tell them…“enjoy this moment”!
I’m in my second year and it seems more difficult to accept now. I miss my husband of 55 years more now.
Thank you for this. I do have your book.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marlee, I also believe the second year of grieving is harder than the first. The first year everyone is supportive, actually attending to you. The second year, not so much. Everyone has gone back to living their lives and you, the widow or widower are more alone. Attending a widow’s group is a great idea. There you will find understanding and support. Blessings! Barbara
I belong to a Widow group and we discuss all of this and it helps knowing that I am not the only one who feels the loneliness that Grief creates.
I feel so envious when I see couples together and want to tell them…“enjoy this moment”!
I’m in my second year and it seems more difficult to accept now. I miss my husband of 55 years more now.
Thank you for this. I do have your book.
You are so right Barbara. My wife of 59 years had ALZ and passed recently. A very good friend encouraged me to volunteer as a means of dealing with my loneliness. I took her advice and I am now in training to become a hospice volunteer in my community. I also volunteer at a facility that serves people with mild forms of dementia, where my wife once attended. This has been therapeutic for me. I enjoy interacting with these people and the staff there. It brings meaning to my new life.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Tom, Good for you! Your friend is wise indeed, encouraging you to get out and be active. Blessings to you in all you are doing. Barbara
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