To my fellow widows and widowers - well, actually to anyone. I think a big part of grieving is loneliness. Loneliness from our person having left us, but also aloneness in our day to day activities.
Monday through Friday, I have people coming in and out of my life. I talk with others, interact with others; BUT on the weekends there is just Baxter cat and me – and he isn’t much of a conversationalist.
Weekends bring me a quiet house. Right now there are no sounds other than my footsteps on the floor, my neighbor’s lawn mower, and my touching the keys as I type this. No shuffling in the bathroom, no doors closing as Jack feeds his fish, no other sense of presence – just Baxter and me.
Earlier, I was quietly eating breakfast, alone, when I had Alexa turn on Barbra Streisand. The house was filled with sound. As I sat there, I wondered why hadn’t I thought of this before. A house filled with music (or maybe the TV sound) doesn’t feel or seem as empty.
I’m realizing how much of a people person I have been. I had never really been alone for any amount of time and when I was alone, I relished the private time – because I didn’t have much of it. Now I have so much alone time, I don’t know what to do. What do I do with just me?
I’m finding that aimlessness is my new challenge. For this “doer” person, when my chores are done, blogs written, and emails answered, I generally have much of the day ahead of me. What to do now becomes the question. Hobbies, TV, reading, or lunch or dinner with friends are happening, BUT there still seems to be a lot of alone time in the house. Baxter and me just wandering around thinking of what to do next.
Am I complaining? Well, maybe a bit. I am also sharing because I know I am not alone in thinking these thoughts. These feelings and thoughts are part of grieving, yet not many talk about it. Not many know this part of normal grief.
Grieving is hard work. There is more to it than just missing our special person. It is missing the day to day contact with them, with someone. We humans are social animals and partners fill that need within us. We are not programmed to be solitary, and yet that is exactly what we widows and widowers are faced with when our special person dies. We, who are now alone, have to learn how to live with and by ourselves.
Something More… about Grieving is Loneliness and Aloneness
I was asked by the company, Help Texts, to write texts about grief and texts to support those who are healthcare workers with compassion fatigue and exhaustion. If you would like to sign yourself or a friend up for these texts, use this link to get a reduced rate: Help Texts
My grief booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience is another tool that provides comfort and direction for those who are grieving the death of a loved one. It makes a terrific sympathy card.
24 comments
CONSUELO GONZALES
Thank you ! God Bless you.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for the blessing! Barbara
Thank you ! God Bless you.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for the blessing! Barbara
Julie
Barbara:
It’s so true that— we don’t know what we don’t know! God allows us this grace in this life.
I became a widow at age 23, having been in a committed relationship to my future husband since age 15.
Now, at age 77, I am allowing myself to finally realize the enormity of my loss; this man, Jack, had shared over a third of my young life and we had literally grown up together in each others hearts, minds and arms! He was everything to me and our lives together had been exquisitely planned for so long!
I missed sharing—I’d see something sad, funny, interesting and he wouldn’t be at home that night to discuss it. No more birthday cards, special pies to bake for him as a surprise, or romantic evenings. No more planning our young lives together.
Yes, you say, I was only 23; I could find a life and a love again.
While this is true, and I did, nothing would fill the hole of that sweet love. I learned to sublimate and make the most out of my life; but we don’t write the words again that once had so much meaning. We write new words and look for a full paragraph.
We have our good days and our very sad moments when “if only” or" I miss him/us/me so much that my face changes to a grief I don’t want to feel or see."
Dear Barbara, for your loneliness and loss of Jack, there are no words, only shared emotions and the listening of a kindred soul, yearning for your days to be increasingly filled with happy sighs and more smiles. I wish you so much happiness, Barbara, and many more beautiful melodies you have yet to hear.
You have given so much LIFE to so many. When the overwhelm comes, my wish is that you grab your cat, sit in your favorite chair, allow yourself some beautiful memories, breathe in some sunshine and then remember how important you are to so many of us. It won’t be all you dream, but it will be real!
MAY YOUR HEART KNOW HOW WONDERFUL, UNIQUE AND SPECIAL YOU ARE!
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BK Books replied:
Julie, thank you for sharing and your kind words to me. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara:
It’s so true that— we don’t know what we don’t know! God allows us this grace in this life.
I became a widow at age 23, having been in a committed relationship to my future husband since age 15.
Now, at age 77, I am allowing myself to finally realize the enormity of my loss; this man, Jack, had shared over a third of my young life and we had literally grown up together in each others hearts, minds and arms! He was everything to me and our lives together had been exquisitely planned for so long!
I missed sharing—I’d see something sad, funny, interesting and he wouldn’t be at home that night to discuss it. No more birthday cards, special pies to bake for him as a surprise, or romantic evenings. No more planning our young lives together.
Yes, you say, I was only 23; I could find a life and a love again.
While this is true, and I did, nothing would fill the hole of that sweet love. I learned to sublimate and make the most out of my life; but we don’t write the words again that once had so much meaning. We write new words and look for a full paragraph.
We have our good days and our very sad moments when “if only” or" I miss him/us/me so much that my face changes to a grief I don’t want to feel or see."
Dear Barbara, for your loneliness and loss of Jack, there are no words, only shared emotions and the listening of a kindred soul, yearning for your days to be increasingly filled with happy sighs and more smiles. I wish you so much happiness, Barbara, and many more beautiful melodies you have yet to hear.
You have given so much LIFE to so many. When the overwhelm comes, my wish is that you grab your cat, sit in your favorite chair, allow yourself some beautiful memories, breathe in some sunshine and then remember how important you are to so many of us. It won’t be all you dream, but it will be real!
MAY YOUR HEART KNOW HOW WONDERFUL, UNIQUE AND SPECIAL YOU ARE!
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BK Books replied:
Julie, thank you for sharing and your kind words to me. Blessings! Barbara
Marlee
I belong to a Widow group and we discuss all of this and it helps knowing that I am not the only one who feels the loneliness that Grief creates.
I feel so envious when I see couples together and want to tell them…“enjoy this moment”!
I’m in my second year and it seems more difficult to accept now. I miss my husband of 55 years more now.
Thank you for this. I do have your book.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marlee, I also believe the second year of grieving is harder than the first. The first year everyone is supportive, actually attending to you. The second year, not so much. Everyone has gone back to living their lives and you, the widow or widower are more alone. Attending a widow’s group is a great idea. There you will find understanding and support. Blessings! Barbara
I belong to a Widow group and we discuss all of this and it helps knowing that I am not the only one who feels the loneliness that Grief creates.
I feel so envious when I see couples together and want to tell them…“enjoy this moment”!
I’m in my second year and it seems more difficult to accept now. I miss my husband of 55 years more now.
Thank you for this. I do have your book.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marlee, I also believe the second year of grieving is harder than the first. The first year everyone is supportive, actually attending to you. The second year, not so much. Everyone has gone back to living their lives and you, the widow or widower are more alone. Attending a widow’s group is a great idea. There you will find understanding and support. Blessings! Barbara
Marlee
I belong to a Widow group and we discuss all of this and it helps knowing that I am not the only one who feels the loneliness that Grief creates.
I feel so envious when I see couples together and want to tell them…“enjoy this moment”!
I’m in my second year and it seems more difficult to accept now. I miss my husband of 55 years more now.
Thank you for this. I do have your book.
I belong to a Widow group and we discuss all of this and it helps knowing that I am not the only one who feels the loneliness that Grief creates.
I feel so envious when I see couples together and want to tell them…“enjoy this moment”!
I’m in my second year and it seems more difficult to accept now. I miss my husband of 55 years more now.
Thank you for this. I do have your book.
Tom
You are so right Barbara. My wife of 59 years had ALZ and passed recently. A very good friend encouraged me to volunteer as a means of dealing with my loneliness. I took her advice and I am now in training to become a hospice volunteer in my community. I also volunteer at a facility that serves people with mild forms of dementia, where my wife once attended. This has been therapeutic for me. I enjoy interacting with these people and the staff there. It brings meaning to my new life.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Tom, Good for you! Your friend is wise indeed, encouraging you to get out and be active. Blessings to you in all you are doing. Barbara
You are so right Barbara. My wife of 59 years had ALZ and passed recently. A very good friend encouraged me to volunteer as a means of dealing with my loneliness. I took her advice and I am now in training to become a hospice volunteer in my community. I also volunteer at a facility that serves people with mild forms of dementia, where my wife once attended. This has been therapeutic for me. I enjoy interacting with these people and the staff there. It brings meaning to my new life.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Tom, Good for you! Your friend is wise indeed, encouraging you to get out and be active. Blessings to you in all you are doing. Barbara
Lois chapdelaine
I can’t seem to shake off the depression ! My boyfriend of 17 yrs passed at 56,
6yrs ago I lost my 3rd husband october15 2015 January 18, 2018, I lost my daughter , she was 30, March 2018 I lost my little brother,he was 53, 2022 I lost the NXT boyfreind someone gave him fyntinol he didn’t know it that , he was 59
I am so lost !
I haven’t been the same since my girl passed, her brother has never been the same !!
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BK Books replied:
Lois, you have experienced a lot of deaths of those close to you. I hope you are seeing counseling and maybe an antidepressant for your severe depression. You might also think about letting how well you live your life now be the gift of love you give those that have gone before you. Blessings! Barbara
I can’t seem to shake off the depression ! My boyfriend of 17 yrs passed at 56,
6yrs ago I lost my 3rd husband october15 2015 January 18, 2018, I lost my daughter , she was 30, March 2018 I lost my little brother,he was 53, 2022 I lost the NXT boyfreind someone gave him fyntinol he didn’t know it that , he was 59
I am so lost !
I haven’t been the same since my girl passed, her brother has never been the same !!
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BK Books replied:
Lois, you have experienced a lot of deaths of those close to you. I hope you are seeing counseling and maybe an antidepressant for your severe depression. You might also think about letting how well you live your life now be the gift of love you give those that have gone before you. Blessings! Barbara
Susan Daniel
Barbara,I met you online Monday night for the Summer Summit. I am the one who said I live in Manhattan, Ks. You said you used to live in Ks. too.
My husband died in 2011. We were only married for four years before he suddenly died. Unlike you, I was used to living as a single mom, not used to having a man around. I thought he was my happily ever after.
After he died, my church wrapped their arms around me tight and helped me survive and grow my faith. One night at Bible study, I almost didn’t go because I didn’t do my homework, the lesson was about how are we going to recycle our pain? I didn’t have a clue. Someone suggested I write a book. Of course all the negative things came out like, I don’t know how to write a book, who or why would anyone read my book? All those things.
I went home to my dog who kept me going, sat down and started writing a book. It’s called "God never wasted a hurt, a widow’s journey through grief, faith and hope. It took me about a year to write it. I kept asking people how I would know when it was done because grief doesn’t just stop like that. Then one day writing, it was done.
That got me.om my path of helping people with their grief. It has become my mission, my passion and my purpose. And then I just discovered the death doula. That is adding to my purpose.
It’s weird how losing our loved ones help steer our paths to helping others. My heart hurts for you as I know that pain of the empty house and loneliness without that special person.
I am very blessed to have heard you talk and hope to hear more. I will get your books!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, I lived in Stilwell, a suburb of Kansas City and was the Director of Olathe Medical Center’s Hospice. Small world neighbor. What a blessing you are to your friends and church. You are taking a life experience and sharing and guiding others. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Barbara,I met you online Monday night for the Summer Summit. I am the one who said I live in Manhattan, Ks. You said you used to live in Ks. too.
My husband died in 2011. We were only married for four years before he suddenly died. Unlike you, I was used to living as a single mom, not used to having a man around. I thought he was my happily ever after.
After he died, my church wrapped their arms around me tight and helped me survive and grow my faith. One night at Bible study, I almost didn’t go because I didn’t do my homework, the lesson was about how are we going to recycle our pain? I didn’t have a clue. Someone suggested I write a book. Of course all the negative things came out like, I don’t know how to write a book, who or why would anyone read my book? All those things.
I went home to my dog who kept me going, sat down and started writing a book. It’s called "God never wasted a hurt, a widow’s journey through grief, faith and hope. It took me about a year to write it. I kept asking people how I would know when it was done because grief doesn’t just stop like that. Then one day writing, it was done.
That got me.om my path of helping people with their grief. It has become my mission, my passion and my purpose. And then I just discovered the death doula. That is adding to my purpose.
It’s weird how losing our loved ones help steer our paths to helping others. My heart hurts for you as I know that pain of the empty house and loneliness without that special person.
I am very blessed to have heard you talk and hope to hear more. I will get your books!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, I lived in Stilwell, a suburb of Kansas City and was the Director of Olathe Medical Center’s Hospice. Small world neighbor. What a blessing you are to your friends and church. You are taking a life experience and sharing and guiding others. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Delilah
As usual, you hit the nail on the head/I am going thru those same emotions, since my husband passed away, unexpectedly, two and a half years ago, the aloneness seems to permeate everything. Your words are a comfort, as it makes me realize my story is not unique, it’s part of the situation that I am living now…….thank you so much.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delilah, you and all those that have responded to this blog are the reason I shared my experience in grieving. We just don’t know that what is happening to us is similar to what everyone experiences. We think there must be something wrong with us. Blessings to you. Barbara
As usual, you hit the nail on the head/I am going thru those same emotions, since my husband passed away, unexpectedly, two and a half years ago, the aloneness seems to permeate everything. Your words are a comfort, as it makes me realize my story is not unique, it’s part of the situation that I am living now…….thank you so much.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delilah, you and all those that have responded to this blog are the reason I shared my experience in grieving. We just don’t know that what is happening to us is similar to what everyone experiences. We think there must be something wrong with us. Blessings to you. Barbara
Sandy Bryant
Hi Barbara,
Let me warn you, these comments are bouncing all over the place. I, too, am a new 78 year-old widow. Paul passed on Good Friday this year after many years of dancing with Alzheimer’s. So, I’m not caregiving my beloved anymore, but I recently had back surgery and just started PT today. Because I’ve become increasingly less active over the last two years, the PT will be waking up muscles, tendons, nerves, etc. over our sessions together. The focus is now on me. Yikes! That’s different. My immediate goal is to walk normally again without the aid of a walker or a cane. By this time next year, my goal is to take a fancy river boat cruise in Europe or Eastern Europe with my sister and be able to explore the sights along the way. My home is also quieter these days and I find myself much more talkative than previously! Thank you for your 5 booklets on grieving, end of life experiences, etc. The hospice team who helped Paul and me included “Gone From My Sight” in our packet of info. They also gave copies to Paul’s 4 grown kids. It is so well written-I’ve suggested to my church elders that they purchase copies for our members’ use, plus the other 4 as well. God bless you and thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Sandy, good for you! It takes courage and determination to push yourself on your new journey. Jack and I used to do river cruises. You will have a wonderful time I am sure. Blessings to you in the new chapter of your living. Barbara
Hi Barbara,
Let me warn you, these comments are bouncing all over the place. I, too, am a new 78 year-old widow. Paul passed on Good Friday this year after many years of dancing with Alzheimer’s. So, I’m not caregiving my beloved anymore, but I recently had back surgery and just started PT today. Because I’ve become increasingly less active over the last two years, the PT will be waking up muscles, tendons, nerves, etc. over our sessions together. The focus is now on me. Yikes! That’s different. My immediate goal is to walk normally again without the aid of a walker or a cane. By this time next year, my goal is to take a fancy river boat cruise in Europe or Eastern Europe with my sister and be able to explore the sights along the way. My home is also quieter these days and I find myself much more talkative than previously! Thank you for your 5 booklets on grieving, end of life experiences, etc. The hospice team who helped Paul and me included “Gone From My Sight” in our packet of info. They also gave copies to Paul’s 4 grown kids. It is so well written-I’ve suggested to my church elders that they purchase copies for our members’ use, plus the other 4 as well. God bless you and thank you.
———
BK Books replied:
Sandy, good for you! It takes courage and determination to push yourself on your new journey. Jack and I used to do river cruises. You will have a wonderful time I am sure. Blessings to you in the new chapter of your living. Barbara
Leslie Clifton
Aloneness is not just due to a passing. I’ve been divorced many years. As a senior living alone in an area of many seniors, we need to make an effort. A trip to the store is a social event. Conversations in an aisle or too, my favorite cashier gives me social interaction. I have many animals that are transient; I live on a mini-farm. My one constant is also a cat who makes herself understood. As I was never interested in TV or movies, I’ve latched to “reality” YouTube. It helps.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Leslie, you are so right. We need to make an effort to be out and about. The normal pull of grieving is to isolate and really that just makes our challenge more difficult. Animals certainly do help fill the empty spaces as well as grocery clerks. I met a woman in the grocery store in the cat food aisle. Ended up in conversation to hear she was a new widow, with a cat, living rather close to me. We have to let our new world open up. Blessings! Barbara
Aloneness is not just due to a passing. I’ve been divorced many years. As a senior living alone in an area of many seniors, we need to make an effort. A trip to the store is a social event. Conversations in an aisle or too, my favorite cashier gives me social interaction. I have many animals that are transient; I live on a mini-farm. My one constant is also a cat who makes herself understood. As I was never interested in TV or movies, I’ve latched to “reality” YouTube. It helps.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Leslie, you are so right. We need to make an effort to be out and about. The normal pull of grieving is to isolate and really that just makes our challenge more difficult. Animals certainly do help fill the empty spaces as well as grocery clerks. I met a woman in the grocery store in the cat food aisle. Ended up in conversation to hear she was a new widow, with a cat, living rather close to me. We have to let our new world open up. Blessings! Barbara
Kate Kundmueller
I am not there yet but my heart goes out. I will call our parish and see if any elderly person needs some company
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BK Books replied:
Kate, that is a great idea. Maybe even start a support widow or widowers group at your church. A coming together place for coffee, tea and talk. Good luck. Blessings! Barbara
I am not there yet but my heart goes out. I will call our parish and see if any elderly person needs some company
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BK Books replied:
Kate, that is a great idea. Maybe even start a support widow or widowers group at your church. A coming together place for coffee, tea and talk. Good luck. Blessings! Barbara
Sally
Hi Barbara,
I, too, am a recent widow. Amazing how deafening the sound of silence can be. Hits me around 5PM when my husband would retreat from his home office into the area of my home office. Feels. Very. Empty. I also found music to help, but my finger is ready to skip to the next song if it is sad, lonely or romantic.
I also am going through what I call “the zingers.” Stumbling over the use of “our” to “my” or first time being referred to as a widow.
I’m blessed that I’m still working at something I love doing so I do keep busy. One day at a time.
BTW, I saw your presentation on the end-of-life process for MH at San Mateo County Library around 2017. I’m a former MH board member and still a direct care volunteer. Fabulous presentation!
I do think my experiences with hospice and my work as an attorney for older adults made for a blessed backdrop to my own personal experience with the loss of my husband
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BK Books replied:
Hi Sally, I really enjoyed my several trips to San Mateo, a great group of people. As a time filler in the evenings, which seems to be the loneliest time, I have started watching series TV programs. Am on Bridgerton and Queen Charlotte right now. Helps pass the evenings before reading in bed time. Blessings to you Barbara
Hi Barbara,
I, too, am a recent widow. Amazing how deafening the sound of silence can be. Hits me around 5PM when my husband would retreat from his home office into the area of my home office. Feels. Very. Empty. I also found music to help, but my finger is ready to skip to the next song if it is sad, lonely or romantic.
I also am going through what I call “the zingers.” Stumbling over the use of “our” to “my” or first time being referred to as a widow.
I’m blessed that I’m still working at something I love doing so I do keep busy. One day at a time.
BTW, I saw your presentation on the end-of-life process for MH at San Mateo County Library around 2017. I’m a former MH board member and still a direct care volunteer. Fabulous presentation!
I do think my experiences with hospice and my work as an attorney for older adults made for a blessed backdrop to my own personal experience with the loss of my husband
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sally, I really enjoyed my several trips to San Mateo, a great group of people. As a time filler in the evenings, which seems to be the loneliest time, I have started watching series TV programs. Am on Bridgerton and Queen Charlotte right now. Helps pass the evenings before reading in bed time. Blessings to you Barbara
Wendy
ALZ has robbed not only Ellen 75 my wife, but I, too, nearly 80 , have lost the love of my 41 years of marriage to Ellen! Her life at memory care seems goid for her. I , on the other hand, don’t feel good alone, missing our future, even finding some one interesting and equally unavailable! We are blessed and I have care for El and support and Hispice for us both.
Nevertheless, it’s a cruel theft and life to be watching and waiting.
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BK Books replied:
Wendy, my blessings are with you both. Barbara
ALZ has robbed not only Ellen 75 my wife, but I, too, nearly 80 , have lost the love of my 41 years of marriage to Ellen! Her life at memory care seems goid for her. I , on the other hand, don’t feel good alone, missing our future, even finding some one interesting and equally unavailable! We are blessed and I have care for El and support and Hispice for us both.
Nevertheless, it’s a cruel theft and life to be watching and waiting.
———
BK Books replied:
Wendy, my blessings are with you both. Barbara
Generosa
Hi Barbara,
Thank you for your heartfelt share which made me want to share also…
My mom has advanced dementia and she lost her husband of 66 years (my dad) 2½ years ago – I’d like to give her a voice here. She began her journey as a widow in our family home of 53 years and she now lives in a long-term care facility. There are moments when she is happy and moments when she becomes unconsolably sad, lost and confused as the dementia robs her of the ability to think and make any sense of it at all, leaving her in a place of fear. Despite her memory losses and other cognitive changes, she recently described her experience as “It’s like a solitude that never goes away.” I can’t even begin to imagine or relate to her as she continues to live her life “in a big dark hole” (as she describes it), with snippets and fleeting moments of laughter and joy. Gratefully, there are always ways we can connect and I’m glad I can still be part of her story by bringing her my love, hugs and smiles in some of those nuggets of joy, the whole while carrying my own losses through this.
My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you, and to my mom, and to all of us on our grieving journeys. You are so right when you say that “grieving is loneliness and aloneness” and it’s always nice to connect with your words through your blog. Thank you for being so genuine… God bless you.
Warmly,
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BK Books replied:
Hi Generosa, thank you for sharing. When dementia is involved it is hard to know the extent of their grief. Dementia is so focused on the present. Sounds like you are loving and supporting her in her moment. Blessings to you both. PS: Have you read my booklet on dementia, *How Do I Know You? *You may find it helpful. Barbara
Hi Barbara,
Thank you for your heartfelt share which made me want to share also…
My mom has advanced dementia and she lost her husband of 66 years (my dad) 2½ years ago – I’d like to give her a voice here. She began her journey as a widow in our family home of 53 years and she now lives in a long-term care facility. There are moments when she is happy and moments when she becomes unconsolably sad, lost and confused as the dementia robs her of the ability to think and make any sense of it at all, leaving her in a place of fear. Despite her memory losses and other cognitive changes, she recently described her experience as “It’s like a solitude that never goes away.” I can’t even begin to imagine or relate to her as she continues to live her life “in a big dark hole” (as she describes it), with snippets and fleeting moments of laughter and joy. Gratefully, there are always ways we can connect and I’m glad I can still be part of her story by bringing her my love, hugs and smiles in some of those nuggets of joy, the whole while carrying my own losses through this.
My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you, and to my mom, and to all of us on our grieving journeys. You are so right when you say that “grieving is loneliness and aloneness” and it’s always nice to connect with your words through your blog. Thank you for being so genuine… God bless you.
Warmly,
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Generosa, thank you for sharing. When dementia is involved it is hard to know the extent of their grief. Dementia is so focused on the present. Sounds like you are loving and supporting her in her moment. Blessings to you both. PS: Have you read my booklet on dementia, *How Do I Know You? *You may find it helpful. Barbara
Kathy Hrycuna
Sometimes when being lonely other people we know can’t do some of the things we want to do with others. I am trying to join groups of somewhat younger people who share the same activities.
I hope this helps.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Kathy. Blessings to you. Barbara
Sometimes when being lonely other people we know can’t do some of the things we want to do with others. I am trying to join groups of somewhat younger people who share the same activities.
I hope this helps.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Kathy. Blessings to you. Barbara
Sue
Another side to the same story.
I lived essentially alone from before college graduation until I was 43, so over 20 years. Was then with my husband for over 30 years. When he died, I missed him terribly and still do.
During the 18 months since his death I have been alone again. I have no children. I’ve thought a lot about how I lived
alone before and have re- acquired many of ways from then. It struck me the other day that I am beginning to like my aloneness again. I can do this. I know how. I have done it before. I still have bouts of extreme grief. But I have realized I can get through what is left of my life just fine on my own.
Best wishes for your own journey.
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BK Books replied:
Sue, thank you for sharing. I see life as school and courses. My new “course” is learning how to be on my own. Looks like you are getting a “refresher course”. Blessings to you. Barbara
Another side to the same story.
I lived essentially alone from before college graduation until I was 43, so over 20 years. Was then with my husband for over 30 years. When he died, I missed him terribly and still do.
During the 18 months since his death I have been alone again. I have no children. I’ve thought a lot about how I lived
alone before and have re- acquired many of ways from then. It struck me the other day that I am beginning to like my aloneness again. I can do this. I know how. I have done it before. I still have bouts of extreme grief. But I have realized I can get through what is left of my life just fine on my own.
Best wishes for your own journey.
———
BK Books replied:
Sue, thank you for sharing. I see life as school and courses. My new “course” is learning how to be on my own. Looks like you are getting a “refresher course”. Blessings to you. Barbara
Debbie Walter
This is such a timely email for me. I lost my husband of 46 years, 2 months ago. I can totally relate to the feeling of “aloneness”. While I have no problem being alone, I, too, have only my cat for a companion. I work 32 hours a week but that still leaves much time to face my empty house. I still talk to my husband, a lot but I seem to lack motivation to do much of anything right now.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, I understand the lack of “motivation” you mentioned. I realized I was motivated by Jack. I had “chores” related to him—meals, TV shows, laundry, to name a few. With him gone those chores have been cut in half and some eliminated. We have to find new ways to fill our time. Blessings to you and your cat. Barbara
This is such a timely email for me. I lost my husband of 46 years, 2 months ago. I can totally relate to the feeling of “aloneness”. While I have no problem being alone, I, too, have only my cat for a companion. I work 32 hours a week but that still leaves much time to face my empty house. I still talk to my husband, a lot but I seem to lack motivation to do much of anything right now.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, I understand the lack of “motivation” you mentioned. I realized I was motivated by Jack. I had “chores” related to him—meals, TV shows, laundry, to name a few. With him gone those chores have been cut in half and some eliminated. We have to find new ways to fill our time. Blessings to you and your cat. Barbara
Barbara Ewen
Hi again Barbara—from one Barbara to another! I just read your post today on grieving and it definitely has hit home. However my sweetie is still alive but due to being a paraplegic he can no longer live here at home, rather, he is at our wonderful caregivers home and I see him slipping away bit by bit. Having said that—-I still have Bob with us—-BUT as you pointed out——the house is not the same, nights and some days are lonely and life is much different. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your grief journey with us all and to let you know that there are some of us out here who are in a “semi-grief” stage with having significant life changes with our spouse.
I do have your “My Friend, I Care” booklet which I find helpful even at our current and changed stage of being together.
Again—-thank you for being so open and forth coming in your own grief path.
Sincerely—Barbara Ewen
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BK Books replied:
Hi Barbara, I have gotten another note from a woman whose husband is alive but not really with her. As you both mention there is grief even when a special person is still here. Grief is reactions to experiencing loss. There are many kinds of loss. Blessings to you and your husband. Barbara
Hi again Barbara—from one Barbara to another! I just read your post today on grieving and it definitely has hit home. However my sweetie is still alive but due to being a paraplegic he can no longer live here at home, rather, he is at our wonderful caregivers home and I see him slipping away bit by bit. Having said that—-I still have Bob with us—-BUT as you pointed out——the house is not the same, nights and some days are lonely and life is much different. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your grief journey with us all and to let you know that there are some of us out here who are in a “semi-grief” stage with having significant life changes with our spouse.
I do have your “My Friend, I Care” booklet which I find helpful even at our current and changed stage of being together.
Again—-thank you for being so open and forth coming in your own grief path.
Sincerely—Barbara Ewen
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BK Books replied:
Hi Barbara, I have gotten another note from a woman whose husband is alive but not really with her. As you both mention there is grief even when a special person is still here. Grief is reactions to experiencing loss. There are many kinds of loss. Blessings to you and your husband. Barbara
Ruth
You hit the nail on the head. My husband is still alive but has Alzheimer’s. It’s a very different and slow goodbye. The body is there but not the person I married.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Ruth, you are grieving the losses of a relationship and probably of companionship. It might even be harder for you as you are reminded everyday of what you had and are losing. Blessings to you both. Barbara
You hit the nail on the head. My husband is still alive but has Alzheimer’s. It’s a very different and slow goodbye. The body is there but not the person I married.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Ruth, you are grieving the losses of a relationship and probably of companionship. It might even be harder for you as you are reminded everyday of what you had and are losing. Blessings to you both. Barbara
Novelette
Oh Barbara! I hear you on the secondary losses that don’t get talked about. The aloneness and loneliness is a lot to handle. Having that energetic presence near by you is huge. I find that the silence does something to my head. The quiet parts of myself that gets left unsaid. Get’s left muted. To the point where I forget what came before the emptiness. I forget how to speak my inner feelings when I am alone for periods of time. I forget even how to communicate with my person. I forget the feel of connection and how it nurtures me. I had to go to park and ignite our connection through signs. I started talking to my person again telling them what I needed to feel them. Now I see them all time and they let me know i am not alone. Hard to explain. But yeah it’s not the same. But for me it eases some of the hurt. At least… a little.
Thank you so much as always for being vulnerable and allowing us to speak the words in our hearts through you.
My Hany says hi to Baxter. She said she can give him some talking points. lol She is very vocal so we talk all the time.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette and Hany, I am glad you have found a way to soothe yourself and offset the loneliness widowhood brings. Blessings! Barbara
Oh Barbara! I hear you on the secondary losses that don’t get talked about. The aloneness and loneliness is a lot to handle. Having that energetic presence near by you is huge. I find that the silence does something to my head. The quiet parts of myself that gets left unsaid. Get’s left muted. To the point where I forget what came before the emptiness. I forget how to speak my inner feelings when I am alone for periods of time. I forget even how to communicate with my person. I forget the feel of connection and how it nurtures me. I had to go to park and ignite our connection through signs. I started talking to my person again telling them what I needed to feel them. Now I see them all time and they let me know i am not alone. Hard to explain. But yeah it’s not the same. But for me it eases some of the hurt. At least… a little.
Thank you so much as always for being vulnerable and allowing us to speak the words in our hearts through you.
My Hany says hi to Baxter. She said she can give him some talking points. lol She is very vocal so we talk all the time.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette and Hany, I am glad you have found a way to soothe yourself and offset the loneliness widowhood brings. Blessings! Barbara
Marcia
You are so right. It’s almost you have been following me around these past two years. It’s nice to know it’s normal – a new normal. Thank you for all you do for us widows and those who will soon join the club! Marcia
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marcia, Interesting the similarities yet ,as we are experiencing, we tend to think we are the only ones. Blessings! Barbara
You are so right. It’s almost you have been following me around these past two years. It’s nice to know it’s normal – a new normal. Thank you for all you do for us widows and those who will soon join the club! Marcia
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marcia, Interesting the similarities yet ,as we are experiencing, we tend to think we are the only ones. Blessings! Barbara
Margaret Myer
Your comments are so “spot on”! Weekends are the most difficult, most alone, times perhaps because other people spend their weekends with their families.
At present, I am focused on the special needs of “elder orphans” also called “solo seniors” for whom moving to a senior living community is frequently advised. However, for many of us, remaining in our familiar homes, especially with our beloved pets, is far preferable. Besides, even if we make new friends after our spouses die, they can never replace our deceased loved one.
Finally, have you noticed how much of your social contact is now with other widows and limited to “ladies” groups? Do you ever wish to hear a man’s opinion on any variety of topics?
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BK Books replied:
Hi Margaret, You make an interesting point about being more social with other widows. I think there is a comroderry created by all walking in similar shoes. Blessings to you. Barbara
Your comments are so “spot on”! Weekends are the most difficult, most alone, times perhaps because other people spend their weekends with their families.
At present, I am focused on the special needs of “elder orphans” also called “solo seniors” for whom moving to a senior living community is frequently advised. However, for many of us, remaining in our familiar homes, especially with our beloved pets, is far preferable. Besides, even if we make new friends after our spouses die, they can never replace our deceased loved one.
Finally, have you noticed how much of your social contact is now with other widows and limited to “ladies” groups? Do you ever wish to hear a man’s opinion on any variety of topics?
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BK Books replied:
Hi Margaret, You make an interesting point about being more social with other widows. I think there is a comroderry created by all walking in similar shoes. Blessings to you. Barbara
Caron Murphy
This also counts when a best friend is out of your life over a betrayal and new marriage to someone with a lower moral compass. He stole from me. She believed him. Even though he had just gotten out of jail for theft. I mourn that friendship. I’m alone in some areas. The quiet times. Reading this.
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BK Books replied:
Caron, yes, we grieve for losses other than physical death. There are many kinds of deaths . As you pointed out, the completion of a relationship is also a death. Blessings to you. Barbara
This also counts when a best friend is out of your life over a betrayal and new marriage to someone with a lower moral compass. He stole from me. She believed him. Even though he had just gotten out of jail for theft. I mourn that friendship. I’m alone in some areas. The quiet times. Reading this.
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BK Books replied:
Caron, yes, we grieve for losses other than physical death. There are many kinds of deaths . As you pointed out, the completion of a relationship is also a death. Blessings to you. Barbara
Jennifer
I love seeing this explanation of how it is to suddenly without your other half (mine truly was my other half). I believe it will always be a struggle somedays harder than others but still there. Thank you for your wonderful understanding words on a subject no one likes to tackle.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jennifer, thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
I love seeing this explanation of how it is to suddenly without your other half (mine truly was my other half). I believe it will always be a struggle somedays harder than others but still there. Thank you for your wonderful understanding words on a subject no one likes to tackle.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jennifer, thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara