Being in a relationship is about sharing and compromise. It is “let US do this, what do YOU think?” When a person is alone, not in a relationship, they can do what they want; there is no sharing or compromise.
I hadn’t thought of that before because I didn’t have to. Now that I am only responsible for myself, I only have to figure out “what do I want?” The interesting thing for me is I’m not used to knowing or doing exactly what I want even though I thought I was.
This is another aspect of grief I didn’t know until now that I am living it. Who am I if I am only one? What have I wanted to do but haven’t? How do I fill my days by myself?
Yes, there are family and friends, but not 24/7. There are empty spaces that only I can fill. This new turn now requires different thoughts, directions, and new habits.
What do I want to do when no-one is looking? Dance like no one can see me. I can do that now. I can eat what I like. I can decide what I want to eat without taking another into consideration. Should I eat at 4:00 instead of 6:00? I can do that now. Do I want to watch Love It or List It or get in bed at 7 and read until 11 and then stay in bed until 10 am? I can do either without thinking of another if I want to.
Am I going to do all those things? I don’t know. I do know I’m going to be more aware of myself. Yes, it’s sad there isn’t an US anymore but I am thinking there is a new ME in here somewhere.
What is the story about the optimist and the pessimist ? The pessimist just sees a barn full of manure whereas the optimist thinks there must be a pony in there somewhere - something like that. I think that is where this grief journey is taking me. I miss Jack. I get lonely sometimes, but I am finding a new aspect of myself.
Again, I am sharing my experience because though I know a lot about end of life, I did not know much about grieving. I’m not sure anyone can understand the nuances of grief without experiencing it.
I am sharing this more emotional aspect of grieving so you who wear the same shoes as I am now will see what the new normal looks like and realize you are not the only one.
Something More… about Another Aspect of Grief That I Didn’t Know Until Now
Almost a year ago now I discovered a terrific company called HelpTexts. Those who are grieving recieve support from experts in the grief field straight to their phones. I have given subscriptions to friends who report back that the texts have been incredibly helpful. I have a discount code if you would like to gift a year of grief support to someone you know- HELPTEXTS
Review: I was gifted Help Texts from my sister after the loss of a dear friend. These texts are wonderful!!!! Not only are they supportive, but the insights they provide and tools to help are invaluable. I have shared several of the texts to others who are going through grief as well. At first, they ask questions, so that the texts they provide are geared to your needs. The thoughtfulness of this gift is profound, and I can't recommend it enough.
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