FOOD! We eat to live. It sustains living. Everyone and everything needs some form of food, of nourishment, to maintain life. Animals (and that includes humans), plants, insects, all need some form of food to live. It seems that with humans, we add to the nourishment aspect of eating a social component as well as an emotional one. We socialize with food. We show love with food.
My husband Jack has been dead eight months. In processing the five months from his diagnosis to his death, what stands out most for me is the tension that surrounded food. AND I KNEW BETTER!
As his body was declining, I experienced a driving intensity to feed him. He ate less and less, while I pleaded, badgered, coaxed, and pushed food on him. His not eating “enough” became our biggest point of tension. I never said, “You are dying and you need to eat,” but I was thinking it.
One day after a particularly tense session of his not eating and my strongly encouraging him to eat, I left the room in tears. It was then that I saw the obvious: I was trying to keep him alive while his body was preparing to die. Even with all my knowledge of end of life, my husband was going to die and my feeding him wasn’t going to change the outcome. It was only making this precious time together more challenging and disruptive.
I‘ve thought about my reactions. If I felt this frustration and even panic with all the knowledge and experience that I have, how do others, without the knowledge, cope? Probably poorly. SO I wrote a booklet, Always Offer, Never Force. This short booklet is in the format of my others. It addresses eating and not eating as end of life approaches, with some nutritional guidelines as well as what foods to offer.
Just as there are new rules in pain management, in sleep, in socialization at end of life, there are new rules for eating. My hope is that by reading about the normal progression of eating to not eating and what to do to help our special person during that time, my booklet can guide and support others as they journey this challenging road toward life’s conclusion.
How do I see Always Offer, Never Force being used?
- Always Offer, Never Force is a companion to Gone From My Sight and The Eleventh Hour.
- Include it with the initial hand out materials.
- Read it with families and caregivers as a teaching tool.
- Brand it with your agency name and logo.
- It is not just for Hospice use, but for Palliative Care programs and End of Life Doulas, as well.
7 comments
Laura Coffee
I wanted to express my heartfelt gratitude for writing your books. In the course of three years, I lost my parents and my father-in-law, all of whom were on hospice care. These personal experiences deeply influenced my decision to pursue a career in hospice care. Your work provides not only valuable information but also comfort and reassurance to those facing these difficult moments. Your empathetic perspective helps to alleviate the anxiety and stress that often accompany such decisions, allowing individuals to focus on what truly matters during their final days. Again, thank you for shedding light on this important aspect of palliative care.
Sincerely,
Laura
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Laura, for those kind words about my work. Blessings to you in the hospice work you are pursuing. Barbara
I wanted to express my heartfelt gratitude for writing your books. In the course of three years, I lost my parents and my father-in-law, all of whom were on hospice care. These personal experiences deeply influenced my decision to pursue a career in hospice care. Your work provides not only valuable information but also comfort and reassurance to those facing these difficult moments. Your empathetic perspective helps to alleviate the anxiety and stress that often accompany such decisions, allowing individuals to focus on what truly matters during their final days. Again, thank you for shedding light on this important aspect of palliative care.
Sincerely,
Laura
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Laura, for those kind words about my work. Blessings to you in the hospice work you are pursuing. Barbara
Gabe N.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Gabe, thank you for sharing your knowledge. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
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BK Books replied:
Hi Gabe, thank you for sharing your knowledge. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Lee Riner
When my husband and I were taking care of 86 yr old Dad, the situation with my sister, who lived 8 hrs away, grew more tense. When I told her we were giving Dad lots of ice cream, she became incensed, “Ice cream is full of sugar”, that is bad for you, she said. I would prepare plates of food for Dad, that never got eaten, it all went in the trash. But Dad ate ice cream. He seemed to savor it, with a smile.
And then when Mom started to pass, at 92, I would prepare her toast in the morning, she loved it. She was staying at my sister’s house. My sister did not offer anything, and Mom did not eat anything for days, just water and sleep. At the time, I knew that Mom eating toast would keep her alive longer, and my sister had been care taking Mom for years. It had been rough for my sister. I should have just left the house, and not interfered with my sister’s procedures for Mom. But Mom and I did enjoy a bite of buttered toast for several weeks while I was there, then I left. A sad time, but we got the opportunity to share some laughter. When I left, it all went back to the way it was before I got there, and Mom died in her sleep, in her bed. It was peaceful. That is good.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lee, Most of us LOVE our ice cream. This is the food I can say is eaten by so many as end of life approaches.—-toast not so much. I can see why toast would be a favorite in that it is easy to eat and a small portion. Good for you for bringing a bit of joy into your mom’s final days by sharing toast with her. Sharing is the important word here. You two had something special together. Blessings to you and your sister. Barbara
When my husband and I were taking care of 86 yr old Dad, the situation with my sister, who lived 8 hrs away, grew more tense. When I told her we were giving Dad lots of ice cream, she became incensed, “Ice cream is full of sugar”, that is bad for you, she said. I would prepare plates of food for Dad, that never got eaten, it all went in the trash. But Dad ate ice cream. He seemed to savor it, with a smile.
And then when Mom started to pass, at 92, I would prepare her toast in the morning, she loved it. She was staying at my sister’s house. My sister did not offer anything, and Mom did not eat anything for days, just water and sleep. At the time, I knew that Mom eating toast would keep her alive longer, and my sister had been care taking Mom for years. It had been rough for my sister. I should have just left the house, and not interfered with my sister’s procedures for Mom. But Mom and I did enjoy a bite of buttered toast for several weeks while I was there, then I left. A sad time, but we got the opportunity to share some laughter. When I left, it all went back to the way it was before I got there, and Mom died in her sleep, in her bed. It was peaceful. That is good.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lee, Most of us LOVE our ice cream. This is the food I can say is eaten by so many as end of life approaches.—-toast not so much. I can see why toast would be a favorite in that it is easy to eat and a small portion. Good for you for bringing a bit of joy into your mom’s final days by sharing toast with her. Sharing is the important word here. You two had something special together. Blessings to you and your sister. Barbara
Mark
My wife’s mind was clear, and I tried to let her make her own decisions. She went from solid food to protein shakes. At some point she decided she didn’t want anything to eat. While respecting her wishes, I also knew that this might cause her to die sooner, and that was hard.
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BK Books replied:
Mark, you did good by letting your wife choose what and how much she would eat. I’m not sure she would have lived longer either way, but I do know she had your respect in supporting her decisions. You gave her a beautiful gift. Blessings! Barbara
My wife’s mind was clear, and I tried to let her make her own decisions. She went from solid food to protein shakes. At some point she decided she didn’t want anything to eat. While respecting her wishes, I also knew that this might cause her to die sooner, and that was hard.
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BK Books replied:
Mark, you did good by letting your wife choose what and how much she would eat. I’m not sure she would have lived longer either way, but I do know she had your respect in supporting her decisions. You gave her a beautiful gift. Blessings! Barbara
Diane Hullet
I am so touched by this blog, Barbara, because, as you say, you “knew better” than to push food — yet still found yourself doing so. And your awareness of how that made things more tense is what really stands out to me. Seems like the challenge is to face mortality (our own and others) so that we realize it is bearing down upon us, and therefore deepen into that ‘precious time’ rather than struggle, thinking we are at a different phase. So tough to do, yet so necessary. And food seems to be at the heart of it. Thank you for sharing your real experience with Jack.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Diane, good to hear from you, my friend. I think by sharing my personal experience and thoughts others can see themselves and know what they are experiencing is oh so normal. Blessings to you Diane, in the good work you’re doing. Barbara
I am so touched by this blog, Barbara, because, as you say, you “knew better” than to push food — yet still found yourself doing so. And your awareness of how that made things more tense is what really stands out to me. Seems like the challenge is to face mortality (our own and others) so that we realize it is bearing down upon us, and therefore deepen into that ‘precious time’ rather than struggle, thinking we are at a different phase. So tough to do, yet so necessary. And food seems to be at the heart of it. Thank you for sharing your real experience with Jack.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Diane, good to hear from you, my friend. I think by sharing my personal experience and thoughts others can see themselves and know what they are experiencing is oh so normal. Blessings to you Diane, in the good work you’re doing. Barbara
Deborah
Dear Barbara, I know you addressed this topic long before Jack died. But now, your intimately honest sharing and the revelation of what was really going on is a poignant and persuasive lesson. I look forward to reading the new, important booklet. This is such an important topic; thankyou!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, Thanks for your comments. Let me know what you think about *Always Offer, Never Force. *Blessings Barbara
Dear Barbara, I know you addressed this topic long before Jack died. But now, your intimately honest sharing and the revelation of what was really going on is a poignant and persuasive lesson. I look forward to reading the new, important booklet. This is such an important topic; thankyou!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, Thanks for your comments. Let me know what you think about *Always Offer, Never Force. *Blessings Barbara
Lorrie
Now that I am on palliative care I find I am not so interested in eating. I am hoping this is my body telling me to get ready.
I find my daughter pushing not only food, but activities. Because I am going blind, activities are a struggle. I can leave the food and dispose of it later.
I am 92 and I am just tired. Doctors want to put me on snti depressants. I am not depressed. I am just tired of trying to stay alive. The joy is gone. Too many trips to doctors that they can’t fix anymore. I am fodder for the medical people. I.am content to do what I can. Enjoy a day in the sunshine and hear the birds sing.
When my husband was dying one of the hospice nurse asked what kind of food he liked
I said ice cream.
She said make sure I offer it often and let him decide what he wanted. That worked. More ice cream than green vegetables. He lived two months longer
We need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes .
We are traveling a lonely road whether as caregiver or our own death.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lorrie, at 92 I appreciate your tiredness. It is more about age then it is ill health. I really like what you said about using time to enjoy the day and birds. So most people are so busy on their “gerbil wheel” of activities they miss the beauty of being alive. Eat what you feel like or not, sleep as much as you feel the need for, do what you have the energy for and keep feeling the sun and the joy it brings. You can also say “enough doctors appointments”. And eat all the ice cream you want. My blessings to you. Barbara
Now that I am on palliative care I find I am not so interested in eating. I am hoping this is my body telling me to get ready.
I find my daughter pushing not only food, but activities. Because I am going blind, activities are a struggle. I can leave the food and dispose of it later.
I am 92 and I am just tired. Doctors want to put me on snti depressants. I am not depressed. I am just tired of trying to stay alive. The joy is gone. Too many trips to doctors that they can’t fix anymore. I am fodder for the medical people. I.am content to do what I can. Enjoy a day in the sunshine and hear the birds sing.
When my husband was dying one of the hospice nurse asked what kind of food he liked
I said ice cream.
She said make sure I offer it often and let him decide what he wanted. That worked. More ice cream than green vegetables. He lived two months longer
We need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes .
We are traveling a lonely road whether as caregiver or our own death.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Lorrie, at 92 I appreciate your tiredness. It is more about age then it is ill health. I really like what you said about using time to enjoy the day and birds. So most people are so busy on their “gerbil wheel” of activities they miss the beauty of being alive. Eat what you feel like or not, sleep as much as you feel the need for, do what you have the energy for and keep feeling the sun and the joy it brings. You can also say “enough doctors appointments”. And eat all the ice cream you want. My blessings to you. Barbara