When Dying Looks Different Than You Expected

Dying is not like it is in the movies. There are generally no important words or messages given followed by breathing peacefully stopping. Instead, there are strange sounds, messy bodily functions - such as peeing, pooping, and spitting - as well as aimless movements of hands, arms, and general restlessness.

The dying person is like a woman giving birth. There is labor. It is a job that is fulfilled by only one. Sometimes the labor and birth is accomplished quickly and easily.  For others it is more challenging, longer, and messier. So it is with dying.

We, the watchers, those emotionally involved with the person, have a role we can fulfill. But first we have to put our fear and confusion aside. We have to understand that nothing bad is happening, nothing abnormal. Most of us don’t have the knowledge of what dying looks like or what to do. Having knowledge before it is needed can facilitate a meaningful experience rather than a frightening, confused one.

How can we have a meaningful experience? Not through standing next to the wall watching. It comes through sitting by or on the bed, holding the person’s hand, talking gently, and speaking soothing words. It can be laying on the bed beside our special person. It is by showing the love we feel - not just watching.

I generally suggest that in the hours before death each person present goes in alone and spends time at the bedside. Talk about the good times, the challenging times, the regrets, the love. The person dying is processing their life. He/she has been consciously and unconsciously thinking about their life experiences for months. Now, in these final moments we have the opportunity to help our person put the final pieces of their life together. It is a gift we give them but it is also a gift for those present.

Something more about… When Dying Looks Different Than You Expected

If what you’re seeing feels frightening or confusing, you’re not alone. As I always say, knowledge reduces fear. Learn what’s normal in dying — and how to be present with love — by having my End of Life Guideline Series for support.

Here’s a review of the series:

"Very gentle explanation of end of life. I shared the series with my family as my Father is age 92 and is preparing for his departure. These books helped all of us understand the dying process and what is normal.” -Heidi L.