We, as adult children, can look back on our parents and our relationships with them and be confused about our feelings for them. Since no one is perfect, we remember the good and also the challenging, hurtful times. Sometimes the hurtful outweighs the positive.
When one of our parents is dying, the buried feelings (pardon the pun) start coming to the surface as we process our time together. Anger and resentment can come to the surface of our minds along with guilt for even having negative thoughts about this person who is dying. Shouldn’t we be feeling sad, not angry? “I must be an awful person to be thinking these negative thoughts.”
First, there is no perfect relationship. Life is a learn-by-trial adventure. It’s hard work, not always smiles and happiness.
We think of love as a feeling, as a noun. I am in love. It is something I have. I had a social worker tell me “love is also a verb”. As a noun — I am in love. As a verb — He loves me a lot.
The person dying is processing their life (although they may not share their thoughts with you) AND we, the family, are also processing our relationship. As negative feelings surface, they can affect our feelings of love.
Here is the good part — when we are not feeling the emotion of love, the noun, we can show and give love, the verb, by doing, by giving care, by being present.
Even when our emotions replay hurts and unpleasant past events (and they will) we use the verb love to care for our special person.
Something more about… What If I’m Angry at My Dying Parent?
If you’re wrestling with anger, guilt, or unresolved feelings as your parent nears the end of life, my book The Final Act of Living offers gentle guidance and insight into what to expect, what’s normal, and how to find peace as you care for them. Learn more here: The Final Act of Living.
