Traumatic Hospice Experience

Dear Barbara, I started following a Facebook story that described a traumatic hospice experience. I would like your input. Here is what happened: A daughter died and the mother was not prepared for what to do following a hospice death at home.  

The questions about this experience are:

1. What do you tell family members to do after their loved one has died? 

2. How long is it usually before a funeral home can claim a body?

3. What should a family do when a loved one passes at home, over night, before a hospice nurse can get there?

Thank you for asking these questions. Here are my thoughts.

  1. What do you tell family members to do after their loved one has died? 

First, I am going to tell them before their special person dies what dying will look like and what to expect will happen. Knowing ahead of time lets the family/significant others know, as they watch, that nothing pathological is happening. They can see that what is occurring was predicted ahead of time so while very sad is not bad or unexpected.

During that time I also encourage each person present to go in alone and spend time and say from their heart everything they need to say. The person dying is non-responsive but I reassure the family that their person can hear.

Immediately following the death I clean the body (offer family, if they want, to help or not), tidy the room, turn off overhead lights and have a small lamp on. Then I have the family come in to individually say goodbye again. This is the last time they will have a natural setting to say goodbye. Also, have the people present call anyone that needs to come over to say goodbye.

I see this as much a part of hospice education as anything, although less and less hospices are doing this. 

Even if the hospice isn't there at the moment of death they can at least prepare the family ahead of the death about options of what to do and say. 

A side note: I think hospice should stay until after the body is gone, tidy the room again, make the bed (even if it is a hospital bed) and leave a memento (picture, flower, stuffed animal, whatever you can find) on the pillow. This turns the room their loved one died in into a memorial of sorts rather than the nightmare of watching their loved one die. The room will hold the memory forever. We can make it a comforting memory. That is also a part of the hospice's job.

2. How long is it usually before a funeral home can claim a body? 

There is no set time. Arrival depends on how busy the funeral home is, how far they have to drive and, I'm sure, other factors. Ideally, you call them and they get in their van and come over. At least they should give an estimated time of arrival. 

3. What should a family do when a loved one passes at home, overnight, before a hospice nurse can get there? 

In my mind there should be no "overnight, before the hospice nurse can get there." 

My idea of hospice service is to come to the house (no matter the time, day or night) to guide and support the family and those people present through the trauma of watching their loved one be taken from their home to the funeral home. 

I understand that with hospice today they generally are not with the family during the hours before and at the moment of death (I don't like that, I feel that being there is part of hospice's job but recognize it no longer is). BUT, who pronounces death if hospice doesn't come? 

Why in the world would hospice leave a family with a dead body until morning because morning is convenient for them to visit? What is on call 24/7 for if not to support the family through this most frightening, challenging time? Tell me that is not happening!

Something More... about Traumatic Hospice Experience

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Hi Maria, what a wonderful, life affirming experience you had as your mother was dying. I didn’t realize hospice workers were able to spend 24/7 with families. Your description sounds more like what End of Life Doulas can do. Are you in the US? No matter, you were given a beautiful, life affirming gift. Blessings Barbara
If you would like to respond to my question use my personal email I would love to know the name of the hospice. They are doing incredible work.


Hi Joanna, Thank you for sharing what you do for families on a death call. This is what we are about, to support, suggest, and guide families so a sacred memory is created. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara

Jayne Reed

From the time the charge nurse determined that my mother had “begun her transition”, we had 24hr nursing support. The duty nurse explained everything to me as it was happening (I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid I would wake up and my mother would be gone.) The nurse even reminded me when to call the priest. We had VNSNY, and they were wonderful.


Hi Pat, the kind of care you and I have described is what I have always considered part of hospice care. That is why I was so surprised by the questions asked of me. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara


Hi Anne, thank you for sharing your experience with hospice with us. How special that these years later you are still in touch with the hospice. Blessings! Barbara

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