We go through labor to enter this world AND we go through labor to leave it. Most of us don’t know this. When we see our special person struggling, we, the watchers, think something pathological is happening or we think the professionals are not doing enough to provide proper care.
In reality, nothing bad is happening. It is sad — but not bad. This is how we leave our body, how we leave this world.
Dying is not pretty. It is often messy, loud, and very scary for us watchers. Because we only have tv and the movies as our guide on how people die, we are not prepared for its ugliness. Add our emotions of sadness to what we see and we end up with a distorted memory of our experience. We end up with misconceptions of what was happening.
My booklets go into detail but here are a few of the natural things people do in the moments before death:
* The person will not be aware of their surroundings
* Their eyes will be partially open but not focused
* There will be congestion, difficulty breathing, or gaping movements almost like a fish breathing out of water
* Involuntary urination and bowel movements
* Restlessness and agitation OR stillness
* The closer to death they are, generally the slower breathing becomes
* Breathing will appear to stop, but then there can be two or three long, spaced out breaths
* I have seen a tear, but not as often as you might think
These are some of the things you are most likely to see during the last moments before life leaves a body. During this time we watch, we love, we cry, we say goodbye. A dying loved one is scary but if we know what to expect, we can let go of our fear that something bad is happening and support our special person as they leave this life.
Something more… This is how we leave our body, how we leave this world…
A good many hospice agencies educate their patients and families with my resources. If you are a home healthcare agency or an end of life doula, support your family caregivers with my booklets. Help reduce the fear they bring to the bedside at this challenging time.
Review of the End of Life Guideline Series Bundle:
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Navigating the complexities of hospice care can be an overwhelming and daunting experience for families facing the impending loss of a loved one. In such challenging times, finding resources that offer clarity and comfort becomes invaluable. …authored with compassion and insight, emerges as a beacon of support for those grappling with difficult decisions and uncertain paths.
What sets these books apart is their ability to provide not only information but also a sense of solace. The language is accessible, devoid of medical jargon that often complicates understanding. Instead, the author speaks directly to the reader, gently guiding them through the next steps in the journey of dying.
8 comments
Christine Anderson-Dewis
Hi Barbara…I have your End of Life Guideline series on my Kindle. I first became aware of your booklets when my Dad was in hospice in Palm Bay, FL at the William Childs Hospice House in 2015. He had a heart attack in January, which was untreatable and passed away in February, just a short month later at the age of 90!
My Mom recently passed away in August in the very early morning hours of her 94th birthday. We think she planned to have a party in heaven with my Dad and her other family members! I was not present for her passing, as she managed to leave without any of us there, as did my Dad. But I spent a good amount of time in preceding months with her, and was watching for signs that she was preparing to leave.
Your booklets are invaluable, and really help us to be aware of what is coming. Thank you so much!
Hi Barbara…I have your End of Life Guideline series on my Kindle. I first became aware of your booklets when my Dad was in hospice in Palm Bay, FL at the William Childs Hospice House in 2015. He had a heart attack in January, which was untreatable and passed away in February, just a short month later at the age of 90!
My Mom recently passed away in August in the very early morning hours of her 94th birthday. We think she planned to have a party in heaven with my Dad and her other family members! I was not present for her passing, as she managed to leave without any of us there, as did my Dad. But I spent a good amount of time in preceding months with her, and was watching for signs that she was preparing to leave.
Your booklets are invaluable, and really help us to be aware of what is coming. Thank you so much!
Jim Greenberg
I’m a Death Cafe facilitator and retired MD. I thank you for the important work you’re doing. Much of our discussions about dying focus on individuals who undergo a gradual death. Little seems to be written about people who die so quickly that they don’t experience the gradual stages of dying, as described in your present article. Can you add any comments on sudden death and those whose loved ones are suddenly gone? Thanks.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jim, how long it takes before death comes in fast death will affect how it unfolds. With instantaneous death there probably won’t be anything to see. If it is minutes to hours you will see what you would see if the person was having a gradual death. When it comes down to minutes and hours we all die the same whether fast or gradual. Thank you for asking. I think I will write a blog about this. It is an interesting and pertinent question. Blessings! Barbara
I’m a Death Cafe facilitator and retired MD. I thank you for the important work you’re doing. Much of our discussions about dying focus on individuals who undergo a gradual death. Little seems to be written about people who die so quickly that they don’t experience the gradual stages of dying, as described in your present article. Can you add any comments on sudden death and those whose loved ones are suddenly gone? Thanks.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jim, how long it takes before death comes in fast death will affect how it unfolds. With instantaneous death there probably won’t be anything to see. If it is minutes to hours you will see what you would see if the person was having a gradual death. When it comes down to minutes and hours we all die the same whether fast or gradual. Thank you for asking. I think I will write a blog about this. It is an interesting and pertinent question. Blessings! Barbara
Steve Jones
Thank you: Barbara for all your kind words and guidance that you provide us the loving survivors; In helping us comprehend the processes we face as our loved ones pass on. We all hope for the best in life and also in death. Your knowledge has helped in bridging that gap and in doing so provided great comfort. I was surprised to see you’re in the Vancouver, WA. area. We just lost our Mom not too far from there, (Camas, WA.). It’s a small world after all.
Thanks again for your very important service, Best Regards, and Merry Christmas too! Steve
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BK Books replied:
Hi Steve, were you here during all the heavy rain? Thanks for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you: Barbara for all your kind words and guidance that you provide us the loving survivors; In helping us comprehend the processes we face as our loved ones pass on. We all hope for the best in life and also in death. Your knowledge has helped in bridging that gap and in doing so provided great comfort. I was surprised to see you’re in the Vancouver, WA. area. We just lost our Mom not too far from there, (Camas, WA.). It’s a small world after all.
Thanks again for your very important service, Best Regards, and Merry Christmas too! Steve
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BK Books replied:
Hi Steve, were you here during all the heavy rain? Thanks for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Yuko
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for sharing this. I understand what you mentioned. 3 years ago, I was there when my dad passed at home and saw some physical changes during his last few hours. That was a very precious experience for me, since I could understand how we are dying naturally. Last year, my mom unexpectedly passed at home. I was not there for her last breadth, but I came in to her room a few minutes later. I immediately recognized that she might have gone through breathing difficulty during her last few seconds, although she looked peaceful.
I felt sad when I saw both my parents went through some labors right before the end of their lives, but what you mentioned here definitely gives me some comfort. Thank you!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Yuko, A little bit of knowledge can make a big difference in how we perceive dying and death. I’m glad for you that you found some direction. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for sharing this. I understand what you mentioned. 3 years ago, I was there when my dad passed at home and saw some physical changes during his last few hours. That was a very precious experience for me, since I could understand how we are dying naturally. Last year, my mom unexpectedly passed at home. I was not there for her last breadth, but I came in to her room a few minutes later. I immediately recognized that she might have gone through breathing difficulty during her last few seconds, although she looked peaceful.
I felt sad when I saw both my parents went through some labors right before the end of their lives, but what you mentioned here definitely gives me some comfort. Thank you!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Yuko, A little bit of knowledge can make a big difference in how we perceive dying and death. I’m glad for you that you found some direction. Blessings! Barbara
Deborah
Dear Barbara, as a 30+ years hospice vigiling volunteer, I cherish the day I was handed your 11th Hour booklet, among others. This post’s booklet excerpt is wonderful.
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BK Books replied:
Deborah, 30 years! You and I have seen a lot. Blessings to you for the good work you are doing. Barbara
Dear Barbara, as a 30+ years hospice vigiling volunteer, I cherish the day I was handed your 11th Hour booklet, among others. This post’s booklet excerpt is wonderful.
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BK Books replied:
Deborah, 30 years! You and I have seen a lot. Blessings to you for the good work you are doing. Barbara
Carol Alix
Barbara, your book and pamphlets are so gracious. They have helped me so much as I was with my best friend and 6 months later , my mother through their final weeks, days, and hours.
Knowing what to expect does take the scary-unknown out of the very sad circumstances.
I I cannot thank you enough! I buy your materials to share with my friends and family!! You are a jewel!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Carol, thanks for the kind words. You are so right, it helps to know what to expect. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, your book and pamphlets are so gracious. They have helped me so much as I was with my best friend and 6 months later , my mother through their final weeks, days, and hours.
Knowing what to expect does take the scary-unknown out of the very sad circumstances.
I I cannot thank you enough! I buy your materials to share with my friends and family!! You are a jewel!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Carol, thanks for the kind words. You are so right, it helps to know what to expect. Blessings! Barbara
Melissa
This has helped me tremendously as with my grandma passed away and I was by her bedside I expected her just to fall asleep like in the movies but it wasn’t like that She had all the symptoms that you describe I wish I would have known all of this before she passed away but I am blessed to know that she wasn’t in pain or in distress..
Bless you Barbara for helping us through all these step times before and after..
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BK Books replied:
Melissa, With a bit of knowledge the ending of a life will still be sad but at least not as scary. Blessings! Barbara
This has helped me tremendously as with my grandma passed away and I was by her bedside I expected her just to fall asleep like in the movies but it wasn’t like that She had all the symptoms that you describe I wish I would have known all of this before she passed away but I am blessed to know that she wasn’t in pain or in distress..
Bless you Barbara for helping us through all these step times before and after..
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BK Books replied:
Melissa, With a bit of knowledge the ending of a life will still be sad but at least not as scary. Blessings! Barbara
Dawn
I was with my husband when he passed I was sad but relieved because he wasn’t suffering anymore… He had lung cancer with brain mets 1 yr has passed and I understand death is not a horrible experience for everyone. Thank you for all the information you provide I hope it helps others with the process
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BK Books replied:
I hope this knowledge helps others also. Blessings! Barbara
I was with my husband when he passed I was sad but relieved because he wasn’t suffering anymore… He had lung cancer with brain mets 1 yr has passed and I understand death is not a horrible experience for everyone. Thank you for all the information you provide I hope it helps others with the process
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BK Books replied:
I hope this knowledge helps others also. Blessings! Barbara