I have noticed concern by medical workers as to what to do during the hours to minutes before death. Here are some ideas to consider. When the patient is hours to minutes before death they may be experiencing some or all of the following things. Not responding to the environment, mottled, breathing irregular, maybe breathing like a fish, slight agitation, murmuring words but not making sense. Family and significant others are gathered in anticipation of death occurring soon. What do we as professionals do to assist the family in having a positive experience?
* Consider yourself a Conductor. Your job is to be as invisible as possible
yet get everyone working together and feeling supported.
* Fear is what most in the room are experiencing. Fear of the unknown,
fear of pain, fear of what they are seeing, fear of what they think will
happen. Reassure family that what is happening is normal and natural. It
is your job to assure them nothing bad is happening, to neutralize the fear
everyone has brought to this experience.
* Knowledge reduces fear. Begin gently explaining what is happening.
“Mom is doing a good job. She is doing what she is supposed to be
doing”. Go over each thing Mom is doing and explain simply what is
happening (don’t use medical terminology, speak at a 5th grade level) and
that it is all normal. “Her breathing is 10 times a minute and her blood
Pressure is 60/40. This tells me her body is slowing down.” “This is how
you die, and she is doing just what she is supposed to be doing’”
* Explain what is going to happen next. “Mom will start breathing like a fish
breaths. Her breaths will get slower and slower until she stops, then she
may take a couple of long spaced out breaths.”
* Encourage the family and significant others to individually talk to the
person who is dying. To spend some quiet time and share their thoughts
and their goodbyes. Reassure the family that the person can hear.
* Tell the family they can lay on the bed, hold their loved one, talk to them,
cry with them.
* Music played softly is often comforting to everyone present. I would pick
music that the patient enjoyed during their life. It doesn't have to be
classical, hymns, or harps.
* This is not a medical event. You are not doing medical interventions
unless:
1. The patient’s restlessness is a danger to themselves.
2. Their congestion is excessive and positioning is not effective. Don’t
use suction but you can use a Scopolamine Patch.
(It probably won’t help, but if its causing the family distress you can try.)
3. If pain has been a part of the disease process, then continue giving
pain medication until death. If pain has not been a part of the disease
process then there is no need to give a narcotic just because the person is
approaching death. Dying itself is not painful, disease causes pain.
4. If respirations are severely labored due to the disease process,
then you can use small amounts of morphine. Remember as death
approaches congestion and labored breathing are normal.
* This is a challenging time for medical professionals. We are used to
fixing, to doing something. Now we are not fixing or doing. When I have
taken a person’s blood pressure for the third time and it is 60/40 that tells
me I am nervous and wanting to do something. You don’t need to know
what the blood pressure is once you have taken it the first time. You know
death is approaching and all the tools we were taught to rely on in health
care no longer apply. Education, support, and guidance are the tools we
now bring to the room.
* If labor (those hours before death) becomes long I would encourage the
family to share stories, look at scrapbooks, and reminisce while in the
room. Have a normal, natural family gathering.
* Explain that we have some control over the time that we die. If you are
with someone when they die you are there because they want you there.
If you are not, even while you tried to be, then know you were given a gift
of love and protection.
* Because we can hear and have limited control over the time that we die
we need to gently tell the person who is dying what is going on in the
room. Who is entering, who is leaving. “It is 12:00 and I am going to bed
now. I will be back in the morning. I love you. If you need to leave before I
return I understand.”
When someone is dying a gradual death from disease and is hours to
minutes from death they don't need a doctor, nurse, social worker, or even
a chaplain. They need someone who understands the normal, natural dying
process and can gently guide and support the family to help create a
sacred memory from this very sacred experience.
Something more about The Final Hours Before Death...
My book, The Eleventh Hour, details more specifically how to conduct a vigil before someone's death. It is quite helpful not only for the caregivers but the family of the dying as well.
49 comments
liz
I wish i had found this information a month ago, I went through this by myself. My husband was kind of out of it for part of the day, then rallied to rewrite/update his will. after that was finished, he kicked all the children (age 30to 44) out and let me stay , he calmed and an hour or o later took his final breathes. I told him I ’d be ok , a nurse told me I had to make a decision, I did and my husband took three breathes and went on his terms.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Liz, thank you for sharing your final time with your husband with me. Sounds like he made sure his family was taken care of and then relaxed and let go. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
I wish i had found this information a month ago, I went through this by myself. My husband was kind of out of it for part of the day, then rallied to rewrite/update his will. after that was finished, he kicked all the children (age 30to 44) out and let me stay , he calmed and an hour or o later took his final breathes. I told him I ’d be ok , a nurse told me I had to make a decision, I did and my husband took three breathes and went on his terms.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Liz, thank you for sharing your final time with your husband with me. Sounds like he made sure his family was taken care of and then relaxed and let go. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Christine A.
My ex husband is here in my home on hospice.married 28 years divorced 2.He wanted to be here.For him and my children I wouldn’t have it any other way. Today he is active dying.liver failure liver from cirrhosis and liver cancer. I’m scared for him.he feel asleep 6 days ago.with only a few short awnsers to food and water and to state any pain.as of 3 days ago.cannot eat to tired too weak.early this morning sat up in bed few words spoken and this lasted 4 hours.He then feel back asleep with a soft moan and labored fast breathing turning sometimes to his side..and now this as it’s called “death rattle” is not what I would call a tattle.It is bubbling secrations that continue with each breath.he is non responsive.i called the hospice nurse and administered morphine.this has him now not moving at all.I was afraid of morphine, believing it speeds the death but I realize it’s calming and peaceful.im devastated for him and for my children.i pray God takes him soon.i truly do not want my children to witness this.Im so thankful he is not in pain.He just turned 58.Thoughts of our love and fond memories fill my heart.And I hope he knows how much he’s loved.
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BK Books replied:
From what you have described your ex-husband’s labor is close to being over, maybe by the time you read this. I see nothing pathological in what you have described. It’s work to get out of our bodies. You have given him a beautiful gift of acceptance and having his family close. Blessings to you all. Barbara
My ex husband is here in my home on hospice.married 28 years divorced 2.He wanted to be here.For him and my children I wouldn’t have it any other way. Today he is active dying.liver failure liver from cirrhosis and liver cancer. I’m scared for him.he feel asleep 6 days ago.with only a few short awnsers to food and water and to state any pain.as of 3 days ago.cannot eat to tired too weak.early this morning sat up in bed few words spoken and this lasted 4 hours.He then feel back asleep with a soft moan and labored fast breathing turning sometimes to his side..and now this as it’s called “death rattle” is not what I would call a tattle.It is bubbling secrations that continue with each breath.he is non responsive.i called the hospice nurse and administered morphine.this has him now not moving at all.I was afraid of morphine, believing it speeds the death but I realize it’s calming and peaceful.im devastated for him and for my children.i pray God takes him soon.i truly do not want my children to witness this.Im so thankful he is not in pain.He just turned 58.Thoughts of our love and fond memories fill my heart.And I hope he knows how much he’s loved.
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BK Books replied:
From what you have described your ex-husband’s labor is close to being over, maybe by the time you read this. I see nothing pathological in what you have described. It’s work to get out of our bodies. You have given him a beautiful gift of acceptance and having his family close. Blessings to you all. Barbara
barbara
Charles, I hope by the time you read this your father is at rest. The labor of dying is indeed hard work and also very hard on us the watchers. I’m holding you both in my thoughts. Blessings! Barbara
Charles, I hope by the time you read this your father is at rest. The labor of dying is indeed hard work and also very hard on us the watchers. I’m holding you both in my thoughts. Blessings! Barbara
Charles Owen
My Dad is dying right now. He has not moved or opened his eyes all day. All of a sudden he seems to be physically agitated, Moving his arms, breathing is shallow and the rattle is loud. He is 86. No one should have to die like this.
My Dad is dying right now. He has not moved or opened his eyes all day. All of a sudden he seems to be physically agitated, Moving his arms, breathing is shallow and the rattle is loud. He is 86. No one should have to die like this.
Demi Mills
My mom is in hospice now as I type this post. Thank you for this information. It has helped me understand more of what to expect and to be able to help my sister who is here with me. The COVID-19 kept all 7 of us siblings from getting to be with her at the same time. I was so happy and proud that we could take the shifts and spend them with mom and accept this was just how it has to be although we wish we could all be with her.
My mom is in hospice now as I type this post. Thank you for this information. It has helped me understand more of what to expect and to be able to help my sister who is here with me. The COVID-19 kept all 7 of us siblings from getting to be with her at the same time. I was so happy and proud that we could take the shifts and spend them with mom and accept this was just how it has to be although we wish we could all be with her.
Lisa Barbetti
I am sitting here with my father-in-law who had stomach cancer and has spread to his brain he is exhibiting many of the end of life symptoms thank you so much for all of the comments and all of the post it has definitely helped me and prepared me to help our family members who are emotionally upset and not ready to lose their father and grandfather. I am a school psychologist and I thought I knew the right things to say and to help ease our family members during this most difficult process. However after reading many of the post I am really not as prepared as I thought I was. Many of the post has help me to understand that his final hours are here. I feel now that I have the strength to help my family transition through this most difficult time. My love to all who are going through this. This certainly helps us to appreciate life and those around us and not take anything for granted. my love to everyone who has a loved one who is in their final stages of life on earth and who Are ready to join their deceased loved ones with God in heaven. Sorry for any typos or misspelled words as we all know this is very emotional💕
I am sitting here with my father-in-law who had stomach cancer and has spread to his brain he is exhibiting many of the end of life symptoms thank you so much for all of the comments and all of the post it has definitely helped me and prepared me to help our family members who are emotionally upset and not ready to lose their father and grandfather. I am a school psychologist and I thought I knew the right things to say and to help ease our family members during this most difficult process. However after reading many of the post I am really not as prepared as I thought I was. Many of the post has help me to understand that his final hours are here. I feel now that I have the strength to help my family transition through this most difficult time. My love to all who are going through this. This certainly helps us to appreciate life and those around us and not take anything for granted. my love to everyone who has a loved one who is in their final stages of life on earth and who Are ready to join their deceased loved ones with God in heaven. Sorry for any typos or misspelled words as we all know this is very emotional💕
Mikka
Barbara thank you so much for your response. My father passed away February 1st at 9:35 am. Everything that you said was so helpful. When I first commented I was so confused it hurt so so bad seeing him dying. I almost convinced my self that he was getting better the five days he was home on hospice before passing. After reading what you said I told my dad that I loved him very much that I was going to be ok that he raised me so good. I told him that I was going home for the night to be with my kids that I would be back in the morning and gave him the biggest kisses I could. When i woke up at 6:30 i had a gut feeling that he waited for me to leave to protect me while he passed but I had no messages or phone calls saying that he did so I was really excited to go spend the day with him. I got the kids off to school and got over as quick as I could to his house. When I got there I noticed the rattle was gone I knew he was close. I told him that I was back, that I missed and loved him so so much and so does the kids. I cried and started kissing him all over his face as he took his last breath. He went so peaceful no struggling for air. I told him that I was so proud of him, that he did such a good job. Hes so amazing I’m so lucky that I got to be there with him as he passed on, it has made me so happy! I miss him so much though..
Barbara thank you so much for your response. My father passed away February 1st at 9:35 am. Everything that you said was so helpful. When I first commented I was so confused it hurt so so bad seeing him dying. I almost convinced my self that he was getting better the five days he was home on hospice before passing. After reading what you said I told my dad that I loved him very much that I was going to be ok that he raised me so good. I told him that I was going home for the night to be with my kids that I would be back in the morning and gave him the biggest kisses I could. When i woke up at 6:30 i had a gut feeling that he waited for me to leave to protect me while he passed but I had no messages or phone calls saying that he did so I was really excited to go spend the day with him. I got the kids off to school and got over as quick as I could to his house. When I got there I noticed the rattle was gone I knew he was close. I told him that I was back, that I missed and loved him so so much and so does the kids. I cried and started kissing him all over his face as he took his last breath. He went so peaceful no struggling for air. I told him that I was so proud of him, that he did such a good job. Hes so amazing I’m so lucky that I got to be there with him as he passed on, it has made me so happy! I miss him so much though..
Barbara
Oh Mikka, I am so sorry your dad is dying. It is hard to watch our loved one releasing from their body. From what you have told me it sounds like your dad is doing what is natural when someone is dying. I do not believe anything pathological is happening. Just a little chick working to get out of his shell. The congestion, the talking is all normal. What can you do? Continue to talk to him. He can hear you. Tell him how much you love him, tell him anything you need to say to him, the good parts of your life with him and the difficult parts. Can you tell him that when he is ready he can go? As hard as it is to be without him tell him you understand he is leaving. Also tell him when you are leaving the room and/or the house. We have limited control over the time that we actually die and he may die when you are not there as a way of protecting you. He may wait for you to be there. Either way take the gift he gives you. My blessings are with you, your dad and your family during this heartfelt time. Barbara
Oh Mikka, I am so sorry your dad is dying. It is hard to watch our loved one releasing from their body. From what you have told me it sounds like your dad is doing what is natural when someone is dying. I do not believe anything pathological is happening. Just a little chick working to get out of his shell. The congestion, the talking is all normal. What can you do? Continue to talk to him. He can hear you. Tell him how much you love him, tell him anything you need to say to him, the good parts of your life with him and the difficult parts. Can you tell him that when he is ready he can go? As hard as it is to be without him tell him you understand he is leaving. Also tell him when you are leaving the room and/or the house. We have limited control over the time that we actually die and he may die when you are not there as a way of protecting you. He may wait for you to be there. Either way take the gift he gives you. My blessings are with you, your dad and your family during this heartfelt time. Barbara
mikka perceful
My dad is about to pass. He came home on hospice 3 days ago due to kidney failure. He started rattling this morning and seems to be getting louder by every hour. When I touch him he jerks away and sometimes open his eyes and move his arms then hes right back to eyes closed and gurgling. When I talk to him he seems to jerk to. I dont know what to do. I feel like I’m bothering him. I’m so confused. I just want to be a little kids again. I love my daddy so much
My dad is about to pass. He came home on hospice 3 days ago due to kidney failure. He started rattling this morning and seems to be getting louder by every hour. When I touch him he jerks away and sometimes open his eyes and move his arms then hes right back to eyes closed and gurgling. When I talk to him he seems to jerk to. I dont know what to do. I feel like I’m bothering him. I’m so confused. I just want to be a little kids again. I love my daddy so much
Barbara
Hi Timothy, About your mother’s final hours: from your description of her dying it sounds like she did exactly what she was suppose to do to release from her body. She did a good job. I see no pathology here. Her mouth movements in response to your wetting her tongue was also very normal. You did good by wetting her tongue which gets dried out when a person is breathing with their mouth open. It wasn’t that she was thirsty but that her tongue was dry. I do not believe your mom was “ asking for help” in her final moments. Just think of a little chicken working to get out of it’s shell. That is what your mom was doing. She was working to release from her body, that is what you were watching.You might find my booklet My Friend, I Care helpful in this time of grief. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Hi Timothy, About your mother’s final hours: from your description of her dying it sounds like she did exactly what she was suppose to do to release from her body. She did a good job. I see no pathology here. Her mouth movements in response to your wetting her tongue was also very normal. You did good by wetting her tongue which gets dried out when a person is breathing with their mouth open. It wasn’t that she was thirsty but that her tongue was dry. I do not believe your mom was “ asking for help” in her final moments. Just think of a little chicken working to get out of it’s shell. That is what your mom was doing. She was working to release from her body, that is what you were watching.You might find my booklet My Friend, I Care helpful in this time of grief. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Timothy
I lost my mom to cancer 1/6/2019, she had gone about 4 or 5 days not eating, the death raddle about 12 hours before death, last few hours she was none responsive but I talked to her and read the Bible and held her hand, She would only close her mouth when I would put the wet sponge in, it made me feel as if she was thirsting to death, and nothing I could do to help her. I remember the last words she said was my name before she became unresponsive, I still wonder what or if she was trying to ask for help or what. I saw her every day my whole life and I took so many things for granted that I wish I hadn’t. Reading everyone’s thoughts here seems to help. I have used a lot of my time trying to get back close to God, In the end he is only one that can help and save us
I lost my mom to cancer 1/6/2019, she had gone about 4 or 5 days not eating, the death raddle about 12 hours before death, last few hours she was none responsive but I talked to her and read the Bible and held her hand, She would only close her mouth when I would put the wet sponge in, it made me feel as if she was thirsting to death, and nothing I could do to help her. I remember the last words she said was my name before she became unresponsive, I still wonder what or if she was trying to ask for help or what. I saw her every day my whole life and I took so many things for granted that I wish I hadn’t. Reading everyone’s thoughts here seems to help. I have used a lot of my time trying to get back close to God, In the end he is only one that can help and save us
Kenna Westerman
Just found your site. My mom last name is Karnes. She is in hospice now and we are waiting with her
Just found your site. My mom last name is Karnes. She is in hospice now and we are waiting with her
Barbara
Dear LaTonya, This may be confusing to hear but your mother had a great death. She had some of those she loved with her, it was quick and without the usual struggle that it takes to get out of our body. Good job! From what you have described your mother had what I would call a fast death—alive one minute and dead the next. Fast death is harder on us the survivors than on the person who has died. What I want you to remember is you had the opportunity to be with her, to talk with her and tell her you love her. From your description of her final moments how she died was very normal. She did a good job of getting out of her body. When you begin thinking about her final moments remind yourself of her gentle passing and what a gift you all were given. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Dear LaTonya, This may be confusing to hear but your mother had a great death. She had some of those she loved with her, it was quick and without the usual struggle that it takes to get out of our body. Good job! From what you have described your mother had what I would call a fast death—alive one minute and dead the next. Fast death is harder on us the survivors than on the person who has died. What I want you to remember is you had the opportunity to be with her, to talk with her and tell her you love her. From your description of her final moments how she died was very normal. She did a good job of getting out of her body. When you begin thinking about her final moments remind yourself of her gentle passing and what a gift you all were given. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
LaTonya Morrison
Hi, Barbara.
My Mother passed just this past Friday. We had only been caring for her through hospice home care for four days after a couple of weeks at inpatient care. She was a diabetic who fought pancreatitis and three occurrences of sepsis within a 10 year period (including 3 major abdominal surgeries just this summer) before the the final septic attack destroyed major organs which made surgery impossible. Her body was worn and she was tired.
Just an hour prior to her final breath, she was watching TV with Dad. She got hot and short of breath, so Dad got her cold compress and placed it around her neck. She said that it felt good, smiled at him then laid her head back and, while we were telling her that we loved her and we’d be okay, she took 3 spaced out breaths and one final long breath. I can’t get that final image out of my head.
Hi, Barbara.
My Mother passed just this past Friday. We had only been caring for her through hospice home care for four days after a couple of weeks at inpatient care. She was a diabetic who fought pancreatitis and three occurrences of sepsis within a 10 year period (including 3 major abdominal surgeries just this summer) before the the final septic attack destroyed major organs which made surgery impossible. Her body was worn and she was tired.
Just an hour prior to her final breath, she was watching TV with Dad. She got hot and short of breath, so Dad got her cold compress and placed it around her neck. She said that it felt good, smiled at him then laid her head back and, while we were telling her that we loved her and we’d be okay, she took 3 spaced out breaths and one final long breath. I can’t get that final image out of my head.
Kim pouncett
i am losing my 49 year old disabled sister,we turned her life support off last sunday,why her i ask?. i just pray she falls sleep soon,my poor mum has aged so much in the few days .
i am losing my 49 year old disabled sister,we turned her life support off last sunday,why her i ask?. i just pray she falls sleep soon,my poor mum has aged so much in the few days .
Carmen Rivera
My mom just passed away,she is with god now.R I P love E MC
My mom just passed away,she is with god now.R I P love E MC
Barbara
Hi Kathy, thank you for sharing your mother’s last moments with me. You are right about how hard it is to hear and watch someone we love have the congestion that fills the lungs as death approaches. Because of her failing heart and liver dysfunction her body just couldn’t keep the fluid from building up in her lungs. Sometimes there are medications that help but most of the time that congestion, as difficult as it is for us watchers to experience, is a natural part of how we die. Know that your mom was so removed from her body awareness as she approached the moment of death she was not in as much distress as it appeared. Think of the little chick working, struggling to get out of its shell—that is what your mom was doing. She was working very hard to get out of her physical body so she could be with her Jesus. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Hi Kathy, thank you for sharing your mother’s last moments with me. You are right about how hard it is to hear and watch someone we love have the congestion that fills the lungs as death approaches. Because of her failing heart and liver dysfunction her body just couldn’t keep the fluid from building up in her lungs. Sometimes there are medications that help but most of the time that congestion, as difficult as it is for us watchers to experience, is a natural part of how we die. Know that your mom was so removed from her body awareness as she approached the moment of death she was not in as much distress as it appeared. Think of the little chick working, struggling to get out of its shell—that is what your mom was doing. She was working very hard to get out of her physical body so she could be with her Jesus. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Kathy cyr
On September 2/2018 my mother 76 yrs old passed away from cirrhosis and heart failure. Her last few hits of life was very stressful for me watching her breathing struggling to get air. The death rattle was the worst I’ve ever had to hear and see. It lasted for 3 days. Hospice nurses started her morphine and adivan to help her. I wasn’t ready to loose my mother I was tired of seeing her suffering. I don’t believe she was in pain I believe she suffered breathing. The gurgling sound is a nightmare even still. Her eyes opened the last minute of her life, I believe it was Jesus waiting and for me to tell her it was ok to go and I would see her in heaven. Jesus is real, pray with them and for them hold there hand and say I love you one last time. I sang amazing grace as she took her last breath so I know she was ready.
On September 2/2018 my mother 76 yrs old passed away from cirrhosis and heart failure. Her last few hits of life was very stressful for me watching her breathing struggling to get air. The death rattle was the worst I’ve ever had to hear and see. It lasted for 3 days. Hospice nurses started her morphine and adivan to help her. I wasn’t ready to loose my mother I was tired of seeing her suffering. I don’t believe she was in pain I believe she suffered breathing. The gurgling sound is a nightmare even still. Her eyes opened the last minute of her life, I believe it was Jesus waiting and for me to tell her it was ok to go and I would see her in heaven. Jesus is real, pray with them and for them hold there hand and say I love you one last time. I sang amazing grace as she took her last breath so I know she was ready.
Charlene
Hi, Barbara my name is Charlene. On July 30,2013 I lost my MOM to bone cancer.It was a hard and hurtful time . But I thank God she’s out of her pain. But at the same time my heart missing her being with us. Her nurse gave us a booklet on gone from my sight. I wanna thank you for guiding me through her moving on. It let me know what to expect what she was going through and the signs of her passing on to her next journey.Id always love to read the eleventh hour. But I can’t get it. After the experience with my MOM people would ask me about what there love ones with cancer are feeling and why this or that is happening. I’d always tell them about your book and how it really helps and makes you feel a little bit better. It gives us not in knowing there not hurting anymore. So thanks again and I’m gonna keep telling people if it helps them to understand. I’d love the book eleventh hour,and another one of gone from my sight. I gave mine to another to help them out. Thanks again Charlene.
Hi, Barbara my name is Charlene. On July 30,2013 I lost my MOM to bone cancer.It was a hard and hurtful time . But I thank God she’s out of her pain. But at the same time my heart missing her being with us. Her nurse gave us a booklet on gone from my sight. I wanna thank you for guiding me through her moving on. It let me know what to expect what she was going through and the signs of her passing on to her next journey.Id always love to read the eleventh hour. But I can’t get it. After the experience with my MOM people would ask me about what there love ones with cancer are feeling and why this or that is happening. I’d always tell them about your book and how it really helps and makes you feel a little bit better. It gives us not in knowing there not hurting anymore. So thanks again and I’m gonna keep telling people if it helps them to understand. I’d love the book eleventh hour,and another one of gone from my sight. I gave mine to another to help them out. Thanks again Charlene.
Barbara
Dear Melissa, the vigil you and your family are living with is a challenging one. Know your mom will die when she is ready. Just remember the little chick working it’s way out of it’s shell. That is your mom’s work right now and for some of us it takes longer than others. As for her “being scared”. We will all be scared to some degree as we approach our death. At this point in your mom’s progress her personality is beyond conscious fear. She is just working to get out of her physical body. It is in the months and even weeks before death that fear is evident, now not so much. It sounds like you as a family are doing a great job loving her, talking with her, being by her side. Remember to tell her "when she is ready you all understand it is her time to leave. It is not what you want but you understand”. She can hear you during all this time even if she can’t respond or doesn’t appear to be listening. I hope you have my booklets Gone From My Sight and The Eleventh Hour to help guide you. My blessings are with you, your mother, and your loving family. Barbara
Dear Melissa, the vigil you and your family are living with is a challenging one. Know your mom will die when she is ready. Just remember the little chick working it’s way out of it’s shell. That is your mom’s work right now and for some of us it takes longer than others. As for her “being scared”. We will all be scared to some degree as we approach our death. At this point in your mom’s progress her personality is beyond conscious fear. She is just working to get out of her physical body. It is in the months and even weeks before death that fear is evident, now not so much. It sounds like you as a family are doing a great job loving her, talking with her, being by her side. Remember to tell her "when she is ready you all understand it is her time to leave. It is not what you want but you understand”. She can hear you during all this time even if she can’t respond or doesn’t appear to be listening. I hope you have my booklets Gone From My Sight and The Eleventh Hour to help guide you. My blessings are with you, your mother, and your loving family. Barbara
Melissa
Day 8 of no food and water for Mom. Family all here just loving and comforting her. We just want her to be at peace as she’s always been so afraid to die. Wish I could ease those fears. As the good Lord will most definitely welcome his servant into his kingdom. So sad to be losing such a bright light in this dark world.
Day 8 of no food and water for Mom. Family all here just loving and comforting her. We just want her to be at peace as she’s always been so afraid to die. Wish I could ease those fears. As the good Lord will most definitely welcome his servant into his kingdom. So sad to be losing such a bright light in this dark world.
Barbara
Hi Josh, thank you for sharing the experience you are having with your father. You are so right, this time is special. It is a gift. When we get pass the fear and anxiety of “I can’t believe my love one is going to die” we can spend our time together, loving each other, talking, sharing, appreciating each other. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Hi Josh, thank you for sharing the experience you are having with your father. You are so right, this time is special. It is a gift. When we get pass the fear and anxiety of “I can’t believe my love one is going to die” we can spend our time together, loving each other, talking, sharing, appreciating each other. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Josh
Watching my father suffer through Esophagial cancer has been devastating to me and my family. The treatments. The doctors appts. It has been a crazy last few months. He came to live with me in Sept and was diagnosed April of 2017. I have been caring for him ever since. As his son and caregiver it is so hard to see him in the final stages of death. Sad as it is to see him go I see he is at peace and surrounded by people who love him here at home and can only be relieved. I don’t think I could have done a better job as son to give a father a better life and a better death. I suggest to anyone in the same position to take the time. You will never get it back and you will always be grateful for it.
He will be missed immensely.
Watching my father suffer through Esophagial cancer has been devastating to me and my family. The treatments. The doctors appts. It has been a crazy last few months. He came to live with me in Sept and was diagnosed April of 2017. I have been caring for him ever since. As his son and caregiver it is so hard to see him in the final stages of death. Sad as it is to see him go I see he is at peace and surrounded by people who love him here at home and can only be relieved. I don’t think I could have done a better job as son to give a father a better life and a better death. I suggest to anyone in the same position to take the time. You will never get it back and you will always be grateful for it.
He will be missed immensely.
Barbara
Oh Brenda, I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing this difficult time. It is hard to watch the labor of dying. Some of us seem to work harder than others to get out of our body. What you describe your mom doing sounds very normal. Nothing bad is happening but it is so sad to watch and be part of. Have you talked with her (even though she is actively dying and non responsive she can hear (hear as if from a distance). Talk to her, tell her you love her and that you understand it is time for her to leave you, that she can go whenever she is ready.
I am thinking by the time I get this email to you your mother may have already died. I suggest you write her a letter telling all the things in your heart including how difficult it was for you watching her die, that your wish for her is peace after her prolonged journey. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Oh Brenda, I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing this difficult time. It is hard to watch the labor of dying. Some of us seem to work harder than others to get out of our body. What you describe your mom doing sounds very normal. Nothing bad is happening but it is so sad to watch and be part of. Have you talked with her (even though she is actively dying and non responsive she can hear (hear as if from a distance). Talk to her, tell her you love her and that you understand it is time for her to leave you, that she can go whenever she is ready.
I am thinking by the time I get this email to you your mother may have already died. I suggest you write her a letter telling all the things in your heart including how difficult it was for you watching her die, that your wish for her is peace after her prolonged journey. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Brenda
My mother has been in her final stage of dying for 6 days now . The Death Rattle and the Fish out of water . She is a Skelton her mouth open gasping for air and her eyes open but not really there . Her body purple and stiff dead but not dead . This process for me is not a humane way to die . 6 days of this has taken a Toll on me mentally and physically I cannot endure this any longer. I made a decision not to see her anymore as did my siblings. How much longer can this go on? I have missed almost 2 weeks of work without pay but I can’t go back to work because I am a complete mess . I stay up waiting for that call that she has passed that I never get. I don’t sleep. This is like watching a horror movie seeing her this way it’s horrific and forever etched in my mind. She has seen everyone there is to see we all have said our goodbyes why is she still hanging on when will it end? I know no one can give me a definite answer but I need something to go on .
My mother has been in her final stage of dying for 6 days now . The Death Rattle and the Fish out of water . She is a Skelton her mouth open gasping for air and her eyes open but not really there . Her body purple and stiff dead but not dead . This process for me is not a humane way to die . 6 days of this has taken a Toll on me mentally and physically I cannot endure this any longer. I made a decision not to see her anymore as did my siblings. How much longer can this go on? I have missed almost 2 weeks of work without pay but I can’t go back to work because I am a complete mess . I stay up waiting for that call that she has passed that I never get. I don’t sleep. This is like watching a horror movie seeing her this way it’s horrific and forever etched in my mind. She has seen everyone there is to see we all have said our goodbyes why is she still hanging on when will it end? I know no one can give me a definite answer but I need something to go on .
Emma
My sister Donna diagnois stage 4 breast cancer 5/16/18 6/10/18 we are saying our goodbyes.Everything has happened so fast,but the end of life stage is moving slowly. This has for her 6 remaining siblings Death has been cruel to witness.Now just want her to be released from her suffering.
My sister Donna diagnois stage 4 breast cancer 5/16/18 6/10/18 we are saying our goodbyes.Everything has happened so fast,but the end of life stage is moving slowly. This has for her 6 remaining siblings Death has been cruel to witness.Now just want her to be released from her suffering.
Dominica
im sitting with my friend in his final hours of life. i was searching for answers and found your words. thank you for the comfort they have given me…
im sitting with my friend in his final hours of life. i was searching for answers and found your words. thank you for the comfort they have given me…
Barbara
Dear Alice, i know this vigil is challenging. Waiting, knowing an even sadder moment will come as she finally lets go of her body is hard. Just think of her as the little chick working to get out of the shell of her body. It is what we do to be free. Love her as I know you are doing. Talk with her, tell her whatever is in your heart. You can even lay close to her if you want to. Cherish these moments. Nothing bad is happening, just very, very sad. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Dear Alice, i know this vigil is challenging. Waiting, knowing an even sadder moment will come as she finally lets go of her body is hard. Just think of her as the little chick working to get out of the shell of her body. It is what we do to be free. Love her as I know you are doing. Talk with her, tell her whatever is in your heart. You can even lay close to her if you want to. Cherish these moments. Nothing bad is happening, just very, very sad. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Alice
I am sitting with my great aunt who is 99 and passing. This is day 10 with no food or water. Being a nurse, it is beyond understanding. The hospice staff assure me that the dying process is truly a mystery. While comforting, the pain of watching your loved one dying has been the most surreal experience. Every night I go to bed eventually from shear exhaustion and somehow she endures. I’ve never felt so helpless. Grateful she is peaceful but praying she is soon freed from her tired and weak existence. Thank you for this post…feeling alone during this journey, few are comfortable being present and caring for someone as they slip away. Painful but wouldn’t and couldn’t be anywhere else.
I am sitting with my great aunt who is 99 and passing. This is day 10 with no food or water. Being a nurse, it is beyond understanding. The hospice staff assure me that the dying process is truly a mystery. While comforting, the pain of watching your loved one dying has been the most surreal experience. Every night I go to bed eventually from shear exhaustion and somehow she endures. I’ve never felt so helpless. Grateful she is peaceful but praying she is soon freed from her tired and weak existence. Thank you for this post…feeling alone during this journey, few are comfortable being present and caring for someone as they slip away. Painful but wouldn’t and couldn’t be anywhere else.
Amy
I am currently sitting with my mother-in-law who is at the end of her life. She has stage 4 lung cancer diagnosed just over one month ago and has declined rapidly and is currently under hospice care. As sad as it will be to lose her, I know that she will be free from pain and reunited with my father-in-law whom we lost just 4 years ago to esophageal cancer. We have kept her comfortable with medications and I pray that her suffering ends soon.
I am currently sitting with my mother-in-law who is at the end of her life. She has stage 4 lung cancer diagnosed just over one month ago and has declined rapidly and is currently under hospice care. As sad as it will be to lose her, I know that she will be free from pain and reunited with my father-in-law whom we lost just 4 years ago to esophageal cancer. We have kept her comfortable with medications and I pray that her suffering ends soon.
Barbara Karnes
Oh Cyndi, not to worry, your mother was protecting you, taking care of her girl. As we are dying we have limited control over the time that we die. If you are with someone at the moment of death you are there because they chose to have you there. If you are not there they chose that also. You were being taking care of, shielded. Because you are still having feelings about not being with your mom write her a letter. Put your thoughts and feelings into that letter and then burn it, toss the ashes in the air and as they fly away know your mom will receive message. Let go of the thoughts that weigh heavy in your heart so there is room for the gratitude of having her in your life. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Oh Cyndi, not to worry, your mother was protecting you, taking care of her girl. As we are dying we have limited control over the time that we die. If you are with someone at the moment of death you are there because they chose to have you there. If you are not there they chose that also. You were being taking care of, shielded. Because you are still having feelings about not being with your mom write her a letter. Put your thoughts and feelings into that letter and then burn it, toss the ashes in the air and as they fly away know your mom will receive message. Let go of the thoughts that weigh heavy in your heart so there is room for the gratitude of having her in your life. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Cyndi
My mother, 96 yrs old was given Morphine & Atavan, she was dying of old age. she was nonresponsive, i was told she could go any day. I was with her for 2 days she couldnt squeeze my hand or blink her eyes. I was horrified seeing her like that. My family said i shouldnt see her like that, stay home. On day 5 she passed away, with a nurse holding her hand. I AM NOW HAUNTED BY GUILT FOR NOT BEING THEIR FOR HER. Please did she know i wasnt there? She was nonresponisve for 5 days but i fear she haunts her cowardly daughter.
My mother, 96 yrs old was given Morphine & Atavan, she was dying of old age. she was nonresponsive, i was told she could go any day. I was with her for 2 days she couldnt squeeze my hand or blink her eyes. I was horrified seeing her like that. My family said i shouldnt see her like that, stay home. On day 5 she passed away, with a nurse holding her hand. I AM NOW HAUNTED BY GUILT FOR NOT BEING THEIR FOR HER. Please did she know i wasnt there? She was nonresponisve for 5 days but i fear she haunts her cowardly daughter.
Jessette
Hello, my sweet sister, only 53 is departing this life due to liver cancer and it has been only 10 weeks. We are home and helping her to labor from this world and her pain it truly is the gift they say it is., yet so sad to lose her in my life. I cherish our time together in this life and the next.
Hello, my sweet sister, only 53 is departing this life due to liver cancer and it has been only 10 weeks. We are home and helping her to labor from this world and her pain it truly is the gift they say it is., yet so sad to lose her in my life. I cherish our time together in this life and the next.
Kathi
I am sitting with my beautiful 91 year old mom. She is in renal failure and progressive dementia. Its been 7 days since food. Ice chips and small sips of water have been all she has had. I didn’t want to loose her on my 71st birthday tomorrow. But, I now pray God calls for her, as she is tired and ready. She is in Hospice care and they have been fantastic. I am hoping with the Ativan and Morphine that she will have a pain free quiet passing. I love you Mom with all my heart.
I am sitting with my beautiful 91 year old mom. She is in renal failure and progressive dementia. Its been 7 days since food. Ice chips and small sips of water have been all she has had. I didn’t want to loose her on my 71st birthday tomorrow. But, I now pray God calls for her, as she is tired and ready. She is in Hospice care and they have been fantastic. I am hoping with the Ativan and Morphine that she will have a pain free quiet passing. I love you Mom with all my heart.
Cartess Ross
I’m with my father now experiencing this moment. Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He looks up and gazes every so often and smiles the biggest smile ever.
I’m with my father now experiencing this moment. Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He looks up and gazes every so often and smiles the biggest smile ever.
Tika
I just lost my mother to breast cancer 2 weeks ago. She was 69 and lived 8 1/2 blessed years after her diagnosis. It all happened so fast. After New Years she had no appetite, then breathing problems hospital admittance, confusion and then they told us.. this was all part of the process. Her lungs were of no use to her anymore, they told us she had hours. She made it 3 more days. Two of them she was alert and able to speak to us. The night she passed she just slept all day, finally the breaths per minute were zero and her heart stopped. She was a phenomenal woman. May she rest in heaven
I just lost my mother to breast cancer 2 weeks ago. She was 69 and lived 8 1/2 blessed years after her diagnosis. It all happened so fast. After New Years she had no appetite, then breathing problems hospital admittance, confusion and then they told us.. this was all part of the process. Her lungs were of no use to her anymore, they told us she had hours. She made it 3 more days. Two of them she was alert and able to speak to us. The night she passed she just slept all day, finally the breaths per minute were zero and her heart stopped. She was a phenomenal woman. May she rest in heaven
Lisa
I am sitting next to my beautiful mother Barbara who is 83 & battled pulmonary fibrosis for several years. Her blood pressure is now at 46/29; she appears very peaceful & is still so beautiful. It hurts to be here as she is leaving to be with the Lord Jesus. I am grateful at being extraordinarily blessed to have her for my mother, at the excellent care she is receiving in hospice & that she will no longer be in pain.
I am sitting next to my beautiful mother Barbara who is 83 & battled pulmonary fibrosis for several years. Her blood pressure is now at 46/29; she appears very peaceful & is still so beautiful. It hurts to be here as she is leaving to be with the Lord Jesus. I am grateful at being extraordinarily blessed to have her for my mother, at the excellent care she is receiving in hospice & that she will no longer be in pain.
Samantha
Currently sitting with my Mom. She is 69 years old. She is passing away and I’m 8 months pregnant (25 years old) and definitely overwhelmed and scared. Lost my dad to liver disease and now losing her to liver disease and other illnesses. Its very hard to look at and take in. I just hope she isnt in any pain or scared.
Currently sitting with my Mom. She is 69 years old. She is passing away and I’m 8 months pregnant (25 years old) and definitely overwhelmed and scared. Lost my dad to liver disease and now losing her to liver disease and other illnesses. Its very hard to look at and take in. I just hope she isnt in any pain or scared.
Camille Brown
I’m going through grieving at this moment as I watch my 26 yr old daughter succumb to systemic scleroderma. The doctors said there isn’t nothing else they can do for her. It heartbreaking to watch her suffer she is my baby
I’m going through grieving at this moment as I watch my 26 yr old daughter succumb to systemic scleroderma. The doctors said there isn’t nothing else they can do for her. It heartbreaking to watch her suffer she is my baby
Martin
I’m experiencing this to right now my dad is 49 and dying from pancreatic cancer, it hurts so bad seeing his life vanishing before oour eyes…… life sucks
I’m experiencing this to right now my dad is 49 and dying from pancreatic cancer, it hurts so bad seeing his life vanishing before oour eyes…… life sucks
Sarah
I am sitting with my grandmother holding her hand as she takes her last breaths. She keeps moaning and looking up at something. I pray God wraps his arms around her and I pray everyone of your loved ones has a peaceful journey
I am sitting with my grandmother holding her hand as she takes her last breaths. She keeps moaning and looking up at something. I pray God wraps his arms around her and I pray everyone of your loved ones has a peaceful journey
Monti
My mom past away surrounded by family yesterday evening , she had labored breathing and I wanted to fix her so bad, about 5 min before she passed she opened her eyes wide and was focusing and I know it was angels and my brother I just lost
My mom past away surrounded by family yesterday evening , she had labored breathing and I wanted to fix her so bad, about 5 min before she passed she opened her eyes wide and was focusing and I know it was angels and my brother I just lost
Susan S
I was with my sweet mother tonite. She was so sweet. First time she didn’t recognize me or my sister. The nurse came in and told us the end was very very soon, before Chrostmas. I just hope God will go ahead and get her out of this life. She is just so tired.
Thank you for listening
I was with my sweet mother tonite. She was so sweet. First time she didn’t recognize me or my sister. The nurse came in and told us the end was very very soon, before Chrostmas. I just hope God will go ahead and get her out of this life. She is just so tired.
Thank you for listening
Barbara Karnes
Lisa, we have limited control over the time that we die. Tell your father your coming and going plans, even though he is non responsive he will hear you and it will register. Know ultimately that if you are with him it was his choice and if you are not with him, having told him your plans, he was giving you the gift of protection. My blessings are with you both. Barbara
Lisa, we have limited control over the time that we die. Tell your father your coming and going plans, even though he is non responsive he will hear you and it will register. Know ultimately that if you are with him it was his choice and if you are not with him, having told him your plans, he was giving you the gift of protection. My blessings are with you both. Barbara
Lisa N.
I am with my dad right now in his final hours. I am unsure whether to leave his side or stay. This last 5 weeks since his brain cancer diagnosis has been so awful. He seems to be hanging on despite long periods of apnea and no food or water for 8 days……
I am with my dad right now in his final hours. I am unsure whether to leave his side or stay. This last 5 weeks since his brain cancer diagnosis has been so awful. He seems to be hanging on despite long periods of apnea and no food or water for 8 days……
Jenelle
I️ am experiencing this right now. Hardest thing ever. I’m going to miss my nana. Praying GOD gives our family strength to witness this and carry on.
I️ am experiencing this right now. Hardest thing ever. I’m going to miss my nana. Praying GOD gives our family strength to witness this and carry on.
Terrie
Shannon, I’am with my Mother right now experiencing the same thing. This is very hard. You are in my prayers.
Shannon, I’am with my Mother right now experiencing the same thing. This is very hard. You are in my prayers.
Cheryl
My dear Shannon, please know that I am experiencing the very same thing at the very same moment that you are. I am with you in thoughts and prayers.
My dear Shannon, please know that I am experiencing the very same thing at the very same moment that you are. I am with you in thoughts and prayers.
Shannon
Im a cna and even though i know what the final steps are its great to have. As of today 10/12/17 my grandpa is at his final in life. Im here by his side. I work with residents all the time and i dont have a deep family connection but this is hitting me hard. Thank you for helping me threw this when my mind out of forces..
Thank u
Im a cna and even though i know what the final steps are its great to have. As of today 10/12/17 my grandpa is at his final in life. Im here by his side. I work with residents all the time and i dont have a deep family connection but this is hitting me hard. Thank you for helping me threw this when my mind out of forces..
Thank u