I think one of the most helpless times in life is sitting at the bedside watching death slowly approach.
So often I have walked into a room when family is standing at the side of the room, watching. Watching their special person dying. They don’t know what to do, what is okay to do, not to do, what they should be doing — so they do nothing. They quietly stand and watch from afar.
Here are my suggestions:
What does your heart say you want to do? Hold your person, kiss them, get in bed with them? Do it!
This is a special life opportunity. The person who is dying a gradual death has been processing their life on many different levels since their diagnosis. They have been putting the pieces of their billion piece jigsaw puzzle of life together. It can be healing for everyone if each person present spends time alone with the person dying. Talks to them, tells them what is in their heart. Talk about the good times and the challenging times. This is the final goodbye. The person can hear, can feel your presence.
After each person has had their alone time, make telephone calls to those that want to be there but are unable. The person dying is non-responsive, but they can hear. So hold the phone to their ear and tell the person on the other end of the phone to speak from their heart and say everything they need to say.
When each person has had their opportunity to privately say goodbye, gather in the room, be at the bedside, hold their hand, and sit or lay on the bed. Do what your heart tells you to do as you keep vigil.
There is no need to have a darkened quiet room. You may wish to play their favorite music and favorite songs. As the vigil continues, share stories of relationships and look at photos and scrapbooks.
This is truly sacred time. This time can bring comfort in the years to come.
Something more about... Saying Goodbye at the Bedside
If you want gentle guidance for every step of the dying process — what to do, what to say, and how to bring comfort — explore By Your Side: A Guide for Caring for the Dying at Home. This guidebook offers clear, compassionate instructions for families and caregivers. Order your copy here
Here is a review of BY YOUR SIDE:
I ordered this book for a friend whose mom is in hospice. She feels so supported by Barbara and really appreciates the guidance she was seeking. Thank you!
Kimberly L. United States
4 comments
Mary Turner Anderson
Barbara your books provided immeasurable guidance, comfort and support as I was the primary caregiver to my husband during his journey through Stage IV colon cancer until passing on May 2, 2025. You provided many of the answers I was desperately needing during the last 30 days. Knowing what to expect, how to better prepare and respond and how to help other family members made it possible for me to navigate through this most difficult of times. Your guidance is matter-of-fact and straight from the shoulder and that cut through the fluff and made it easier to apply. I shared your books with other family members and could see visible changes in them as they better understood what was happening and how to better respond.
Thank you for being an angel in my path!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mary, Thank you for your kinds words about my materials. What you’ve described was exactly my intent when writing them. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Barbara your books provided immeasurable guidance, comfort and support as I was the primary caregiver to my husband during his journey through Stage IV colon cancer until passing on May 2, 2025. You provided many of the answers I was desperately needing during the last 30 days. Knowing what to expect, how to better prepare and respond and how to help other family members made it possible for me to navigate through this most difficult of times. Your guidance is matter-of-fact and straight from the shoulder and that cut through the fluff and made it easier to apply. I shared your books with other family members and could see visible changes in them as they better understood what was happening and how to better respond.
Thank you for being an angel in my path!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Mary, Thank you for your kinds words about my materials. What you’ve described was exactly my intent when writing them. Blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Kathy Gawne
As a hospice nurse I found that having family help me in the care if their loved one,was helpful to them Washing their face, heiping me turn patient, backrubs etc.
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BK Books replied:
Kathy, you are so right. We can show our love through our hands. Often it is easier than words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
As a hospice nurse I found that having family help me in the care if their loved one,was helpful to them Washing their face, heiping me turn patient, backrubs etc.
———
BK Books replied:
Kathy, you are so right. We can show our love through our hands. Often it is easier than words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Jacalyn
These short books gave my sister and I the knowledge we didn’t have to ensure both our parents (with advanced dementia) had the experience they deserved as the most loved humans on the planet.
They ought to be available to any families going through the same thing. Please get them.
They reassure, educate and encourage loved ones to do their very best, communicate their feelings and truly let the dying person know who is around them and what they mean to each amd every one of them.
I cannot recommend them enough. They absolutely changed our experience from a frightening unknown to a comforting, loving environment that allowed our favourite people to pass gently and with love onto their final journey.
Thank you again Barbara, you made what sometimes might feel like a medical journey, into a human rite of passage.
With love and appreciation,
Jacalyn
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BK Books replied:
Dear Jacalyn, your words touched my heart. You and families like yours are why I write. Blessings to you. Barbara
These short books gave my sister and I the knowledge we didn’t have to ensure both our parents (with advanced dementia) had the experience they deserved as the most loved humans on the planet.
They ought to be available to any families going through the same thing. Please get them.
They reassure, educate and encourage loved ones to do their very best, communicate their feelings and truly let the dying person know who is around them and what they mean to each amd every one of them.
I cannot recommend them enough. They absolutely changed our experience from a frightening unknown to a comforting, loving environment that allowed our favourite people to pass gently and with love onto their final journey.
Thank you again Barbara, you made what sometimes might feel like a medical journey, into a human rite of passage.
With love and appreciation,
Jacalyn
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BK Books replied:
Dear Jacalyn, your words touched my heart. You and families like yours are why I write. Blessings to you. Barbara
Maria D'Marco
Hello Barbara,
What a wonderful addition to your library of books on helping us all give comfort and aid to those who are passing on!
I can attest that the bedside communication is a blessing everyone experiencing it should embrace. My mother passed with me, my brother, his wife and our amazing hospice worker at her side. We were able to cheer her on, express our love for her, and show her that all was well and would continue to be by singing her favorite songs, reciting her favorite poems, and re-telling stories of our youth, especially ones that became humorous favorites over the years.
Celebrate these moments at the bedside and rejoice in the life that was shared with your loved one. It will be a time like no other.
Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Dear Maria, thank you so much for sharing. Others can see what a special, interactive and beautiful experience those last moments can be. Blessings! Barbara
Hello Barbara,
What a wonderful addition to your library of books on helping us all give comfort and aid to those who are passing on!
I can attest that the bedside communication is a blessing everyone experiencing it should embrace. My mother passed with me, my brother, his wife and our amazing hospice worker at her side. We were able to cheer her on, express our love for her, and show her that all was well and would continue to be by singing her favorite songs, reciting her favorite poems, and re-telling stories of our youth, especially ones that became humorous favorites over the years.
Celebrate these moments at the bedside and rejoice in the life that was shared with your loved one. It will be a time like no other.
Thank you.
———
BK Books replied:
Dear Maria, thank you so much for sharing. Others can see what a special, interactive and beautiful experience those last moments can be. Blessings! Barbara