December 11 2018
Written By
Barbara Karnes
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Barbara - February 16 2019

Oh Brad, my heart goes out to you. There are no words I or anyone can say to ease the pain you are experiencing. Your daughter’s death being only months ago leaves you with an open, gaping wound. In time, a long time, the wound will become a scar. When memory touches the scar the pain will return to the surface but right now you are still experiencing the overwhelming pain of your loss.
About not hearing from your daughter I assume you mean a spiritual contact from beyond. I have had too many experiences to not believe that we are more than our physical bodies, that life in some form continues, and that there can be contact or sightings of a person that has died.
Why you haven’t had that contact: one reason is our grief can get in the way. Our intense, overwhelming grief surrounds us so thickly nothing (physical or non physical) can reach us. If contact is possible why doesn’t everyone have contact you should ask? Because most of us are just too immersed in our grief to hear or see, to be aware is one reason. Because the person that died, their job is to move on, to figure out the life they left. Their job is not to look back but to move forward into Light.

Brad Scarr - February 13 2019

I read these stories every night I can’t comprehend what has happened to our family with our young daughter being murdered months ago. I cry every day and talk to her every day, I pray every day and night don’t know why I do anything. I still say out loud , I guess she isn’t coming back. I want to hear from her so badly and I don’t understand why I haven’t. We were so close and I just know she would try to contact me , so is it me why I haven’t heard from her what am I doing wrong. I miss her Soo much , I just don’t know what to do. I am so heart broken and then I read these stories from others and realize there are people who feel what I feel . It is so terrible

Nancy - December 19 2018

Such moving letters! I have not experienced anything like this. I was touched , saddened, hopeful and prayerful. Peace be with you.

rose - December 18 2018

Not everything is a lesson…its life, an experience. I didn’t need my son’s death to teach me any lesson. I do not believe God wants us to suffer our lessons.

Now that I am the griever , I will never say " Everything happens for a reason" Now when I hear someone say it, I feel heartache for the griever. It sounds dismissive .
There are so many more comforting things to say. Such as.. I am sorry. You must be in so much pain… Google it , that is how I found my grief group/ tribe.

Interesting discussion
Thank you

Rena - December 16 2018

I am a firm believer that whatever happens , happens for a reason and sometimes we may never know the reason.

We try so hard to know why and many times we will never have an answer or the answer we are looking for.
I believe after a person dies we always look back and wonder what we should have done differently.
We actually can make ourselves crazy thinking and reflecting and asking the what ifs.
My mom has been gone 7 years and I miss her oh so much and think back over years.
I found that writing to my mom helps relieve my anxiety and sadness.
I let her know what is happening, who is doing what, decisions I have made etc.
Try writing.
.I have a journal and in the beginning probably wrote in it every day and as time goes on the need to write is less.
Try it as I think it will help you.

Craig Hayek MD - December 15 2018

Maybe not so much hate and anger, as there is guilt we feel. We feel like it was our responsibility to save our children from harm no matter what. I feel this man was very brave and seeing a much bigger picture when he donated his child’s organs to those still on this earth in need. In addition it is a very normal human reaction to not reach out to the hand or body of a deceased human. Ironically, as those around you “bounce around” oblivious to your pain, and indeed quite selfish, your daughter really is bouncing around happily in the perfect earth that awaits our extremely short stay here in the “proving ground” as I call it. I am not a bible thumper or religious zealot. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt paradise after death follows to those who believe, and Jesus loves children the most.

Jay Craig - December 14 2018

Things happen for a reason only in the sense and because we live in a fallen world in which bad things happen to people. I believe seldom if ever God visits tragedy on people. When we suffer it’s because something earthly or Satanly caused it to happen. So, the only reason for it happening was something caused it to, but not God.

Diana - December 14 2018

People say that everything happens for a reason in an attempt to be helpful and comforting. But I don’t think there is any reason that we can comprehend that would actually explain away such a profound loss.

But when it comes to feeling regret and guilt over things not done years ago, I believe there is something you can do that makes sense. And it may bring a measure of comfort. That is, if you regret not having a funeral years ago, then have one now. Invite the people closest to you to join you in remembering the one you lost. Share with one another the painful feelings that still haunt you. And at the end, say goodbye. I would use a babydoll to represent the lost baby. I would cradle the doll and tell my baby how I regret not holding her. Maybe I would sing a lullaby. And then put the doll away until the next year. I like the idea Barbara had of lighting a candle in remembrance. And I like the idea of writing a letter. But I would need to cradle that doll to release my grief.
I wish you all the best.

Emily Zell - December 14 2018

My daughter died this September after a ten-year struggle with brain cancer. Her birthday was Christmas Eve. So I get how they holiday is too much to bear. She loved Christmas, so I have decorated the house a little. I miss her terribly. I was talking to one of her nurses because even going into the coffee shop where I used to bring her coffee from, makes me cry. The nurse suggested that I have coffee with her at home and talk to her every morning just like I did this last year. Sometimes I can’t talk and I write her a letter instead. I tell her what I’m going to do today or what I did yesterday or just how much I miss her or ask her for help figuring Something out. Just because I had her for 31 years didn’t mean I could always talk to her as freely as I can now that she’s gone. There was something special about that, that now allows me to connect with her in a different way. That nurse’s suggestion has helped me a lot. I know I got to have her for 31 years and you did not have a chance to know daughter. I am not woo-woo or a particularly religious type, but I ‘hear’ my girl give me suggestions and solutions to situations I get stuck in. She is my angel and I feel like she has my back. Maybe you can connect with your angel too. She’s there for you.

Elizabeth Bateman - December 14 2018

While I didn’t lose a baby, the candle lighting and burning is something I do for my mother who died in 2005. I burn a special candle on holidays and on her birthday so that I may feel her close to me. At the very least, it makes me feel better. At the most, she is aware that she is being remembered and loved.

Paula - December 12 2018

I agree 100% with Barbara. My daughter died 23 years ago. I cringe every time I hear those words. I agree with Barbara’s statement about God. For me, I came to accept that sometimes the answer to our questions is there is no answer. I have learned to live with the mystery that is a part of life, death and faith. Journaling/writing letters was of great help to me. Getting those feelings and thoughts on paper is different than letting them rattle around in the head.
As for “those words” I believe they allow the person who says them make sense of our losses. They then do not have to deal with our reality, for it is resolved in their heart and soul, and I’m not sure whether or not they care what the “reason” is. I think they believe they are offering comfort. Thank you, Barbara, for all you do. I have met you and heard you speak…one of my lessons was to become a better, more compassionate caregiver and I became a hospice spiritual care coordinator.

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