Dear Barbara, what can you tell me about any differences in believers and non-believers as they approach death?
It’s interesting, it seems that lately I have gotten several questions dealing with “believers” going to heaven and “non-believers” being more frightened than believers. So here are my thoughts. I realize I will not please everyone with my answer but here goes:
I do not see a difference between "believers” and “non-believers.” Most of us, no matter our belief, approach death with an element of fear. We haven't died before, it is the unknown, and it is scary facing the unknown----no matter what we think the end result will be.
For believers there is often guilt and the additional fear of not living up to their expectations of entry into heaven. I took care of the most religious person I have ever met. The Bible on her night stand, religious programs on TV, the minister making regular visits. One day she told me she was really frightened. She had done something (she didn’t tell me what and I didn’t ask) in her earlier life that she knew God would not forgive her for. She knew she was going to hell and was so frightened. Nothing could convince her otherwise, not her pastor, or our chaplain-no, she was going to hell. She fought and struggled until death finally won.
We human beings are complicated creatures. We approach death in the way we have approached living and according to our personality. Our belief systems are part of that living. Sometimes that belief system brings comfort, other times just more pain.
For those that believe in no God and no afterlife there is often less fear but —not necessarily. There are no hard and fast behaviors when it comes to dying.
I suppose ultimately how we respond to our coming death depends on how we lived our life, how we dealt with any of life’s challenges, how we address other scary experiences.
As a movie once said “some of us like roller coasters while some of us prefer the more tame merry -go-round.” We will approach our dying according to our personality, with the beliefs we have accumulated along the way. There probably won’t be any last minute changes.
Something More about... "Believers" and "Non-Believers" Facing End of Life? Is There A Difference?
My experience with patients and families who are well educated on what to expect during the dying process is that their experience is smoother, less fearful, and their grief is less complicated. If you have a special person who has been told they're unfixable, I suggest that you read my EOL Guideline Series and watch NEW RULES for End of Life Care. Knowledge reduces fear.
10 comments
Mary Quinn
I took a class on Spirituality at an AAHPM/HPNA conference years ago. The presenters used James Fowler’s Stages of Faith to explain what many of our patients go through, ultimately reaching Universal Acceptance. I found this very comforting and it enabled me to better support my patients.
Meeting our patients where they are and supporting them, wherever they are in their journey….
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mary, thanks for the tip. I’ll check out James’ book. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
I took a class on Spirituality at an AAHPM/HPNA conference years ago. The presenters used James Fowler’s Stages of Faith to explain what many of our patients go through, ultimately reaching Universal Acceptance. I found this very comforting and it enabled me to better support my patients.
Meeting our patients where they are and supporting them, wherever they are in their journey….
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BK Books replied:
Hi Mary, thanks for the tip. I’ll check out James’ book. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Derianna Mooney
I, like you, have found that people who stay curious during their life time, feel curious about death and many feel unafraid.
Having worked with many natural dying in hospice and with Death with Dignity for the last 25 years, those who have a sense of humor, curiosity about death and dying, a solid foundation of friends and loved ones, approach death in a way that leads to grace and peace at the end….or is it the beginning?
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Derianna for your wise words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
I, like you, have found that people who stay curious during their life time, feel curious about death and many feel unafraid.
Having worked with many natural dying in hospice and with Death with Dignity for the last 25 years, those who have a sense of humor, curiosity about death and dying, a solid foundation of friends and loved ones, approach death in a way that leads to grace and peace at the end….or is it the beginning?
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Derianna for your wise words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Doug Delhay
Barbara, thank you for this posting and for taking on this subject. As a hospice chaplain and also pastor of a church for a combined total of over 65 years, I can only concur with your statement that, “Sometimes that belief system brings comfort, other times just more pain.”
My observations lead me to the say that, as death approaches an individual (and depending on their ability to comprehend that it is approaching), they are alone with what they truly believe. Obviously, I do believe that after death takes place being a “believer” vs. an “unbeliever” has a greater benefit. But that is on the other side, in the realm of the spirit. While still in this world, though dying, a person’s personal beliefs “come home to roost” so to speak, and their truest beliefs are what they have to confront the journey out of the mortal world. All other support systems fade out of the picture.
It is kind of like skydiving for the first time. You can do all manner of preparation, take part in discussions, be encouraged by others’ experiences and follow through with getting on the plane. But when it is your turn to approach the doorway for your jump, your true beliefs are what you will feel.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Doug, thank you so much for sharing your wise words with me. Beautifully said. Love the sky diving example. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Barbara, thank you for this posting and for taking on this subject. As a hospice chaplain and also pastor of a church for a combined total of over 65 years, I can only concur with your statement that, “Sometimes that belief system brings comfort, other times just more pain.”
My observations lead me to the say that, as death approaches an individual (and depending on their ability to comprehend that it is approaching), they are alone with what they truly believe. Obviously, I do believe that after death takes place being a “believer” vs. an “unbeliever” has a greater benefit. But that is on the other side, in the realm of the spirit. While still in this world, though dying, a person’s personal beliefs “come home to roost” so to speak, and their truest beliefs are what they have to confront the journey out of the mortal world. All other support systems fade out of the picture.
It is kind of like skydiving for the first time. You can do all manner of preparation, take part in discussions, be encouraged by others’ experiences and follow through with getting on the plane. But when it is your turn to approach the doorway for your jump, your true beliefs are what you will feel.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Doug, thank you so much for sharing your wise words with me. Beautifully said. Love the sky diving example. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Marta de la Tejera
Dear Barbara,
I loved reading your thoughts about “Believers and non-believers”. I’ve been working as a chaplain in both hospitals and hospice settings for 9 years. What I’ve seen and learned from the patients and families I’ve had the privilege of working with, have taught me the same thing: We approach death and dying in the same unique and special way in which we lived. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight into such an important and intense subject!!
May God continue to bless you in this journey🙏🏻!!
Best regards,
Marta de la Tejera.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marta, thank you for sharing your thoughts about your experience working with end of life situations. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Dear Barbara,
I loved reading your thoughts about “Believers and non-believers”. I’ve been working as a chaplain in both hospitals and hospice settings for 9 years. What I’ve seen and learned from the patients and families I’ve had the privilege of working with, have taught me the same thing: We approach death and dying in the same unique and special way in which we lived. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight into such an important and intense subject!!
May God continue to bless you in this journey🙏🏻!!
Best regards,
Marta de la Tejera.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marta, thank you for sharing your thoughts about your experience working with end of life situations. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Gina Norris
My mom died at home in hospice in December of 2019. Prior to her death I was given your materials by the hospice nurse. I cannot adequately describe how much your comforting words and honest information meant to me, and how they helped me to cope and to open up more to my mom throughout her dying process.
Thank you so much!
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BK Books replied:
Gina, thank you for sharing. I’m glad my words were helpful and comforting to you. Blessings! Barbara
My mom died at home in hospice in December of 2019. Prior to her death I was given your materials by the hospice nurse. I cannot adequately describe how much your comforting words and honest information meant to me, and how they helped me to cope and to open up more to my mom throughout her dying process.
Thank you so much!
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BK Books replied:
Gina, thank you for sharing. I’m glad my words were helpful and comforting to you. Blessings! Barbara
Karen Martin
I am a Hospice nurse and have cared for thousands of patients in my 25+ years. I can say almost across the board that non-believers have much more fear of death and struggle enormously at the very end. If they do find Jesus, they become much calmer and more peaceful. My believing patients might have some fear about dying but most of them have no fear of death. I am writing a book and my experiences explain this. Blessings to you!
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BK Books replied:
Karen, Your experience has not been the same as mine. I hope we can agree to disagree. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
I am a Hospice nurse and have cared for thousands of patients in my 25+ years. I can say almost across the board that non-believers have much more fear of death and struggle enormously at the very end. If they do find Jesus, they become much calmer and more peaceful. My believing patients might have some fear about dying but most of them have no fear of death. I am writing a book and my experiences explain this. Blessings to you!
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BK Books replied:
Karen, Your experience has not been the same as mine. I hope we can agree to disagree. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Cindy
Hi Barbara, I love reading your stories. I wrote a book about supernatural encounters pre and after death, and I speak about this subject; the fear of dying. Would you mind if I share your insights about believers and non-believers? I will share that it is from your blog. I am a believer by the way, and am convinced by my own experiences there is a wonderful life after this life awaiting us beyond a thin veil. Thank you for all you do. Cindy
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BK Books replied:
Hi Cindy, I welcome people sharing my blogs. Certainly share it. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Hi Barbara, I love reading your stories. I wrote a book about supernatural encounters pre and after death, and I speak about this subject; the fear of dying. Would you mind if I share your insights about believers and non-believers? I will share that it is from your blog. I am a believer by the way, and am convinced by my own experiences there is a wonderful life after this life awaiting us beyond a thin veil. Thank you for all you do. Cindy
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BK Books replied:
Hi Cindy, I welcome people sharing my blogs. Certainly share it. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Lisa
This is very reassuring – my mother struggled with her death process, and I think it may have been old guilt bothering her, and keeping her from a peaceful passing. I firmly believe she is with her Savior in heaven, even though it was a journey to get there.
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BK Books replied:
Lisa,Thank you for sharing your mother’s experience with us. My blessings to you. Barbara
This is very reassuring – my mother struggled with her death process, and I think it may have been old guilt bothering her, and keeping her from a peaceful passing. I firmly believe she is with her Savior in heaven, even though it was a journey to get there.
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BK Books replied:
Lisa,Thank you for sharing your mother’s experience with us. My blessings to you. Barbara
Veronica Mausser
Thank you for your insights on this topic. I wanted to share my mom’s experience at end of life.
She asked the hospice nurse “am i dying?”
She answered “yes, won’t it be wonderful to see all who have gone before?”
Mom “i see a cloud, coming down”
Nurse “how is that”
Mom "its wonderful! "
Very faith filled Catholic, died right after that vision. . We say she got a cloud elevator ride to Heaven!
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BK Books replied:
Veronica, thank you for sharing your mother’s last minutes with us. Blessings to you! Barbara
Thank you for your insights on this topic. I wanted to share my mom’s experience at end of life.
She asked the hospice nurse “am i dying?”
She answered “yes, won’t it be wonderful to see all who have gone before?”
Mom “i see a cloud, coming down”
Nurse “how is that”
Mom "its wonderful! "
Very faith filled Catholic, died right after that vision. . We say she got a cloud elevator ride to Heaven!
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BK Books replied:
Veronica, thank you for sharing your mother’s last minutes with us. Blessings to you! Barbara
Kathy
Thank you for all you do. Your words have comforted me so much in my daily life. Mostly alone and old and also an old nurse I so appreciate your words each day May you continue doing what you do so beautifully !
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Kathy for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for all you do. Your words have comforted me so much in my daily life. Mostly alone and old and also an old nurse I so appreciate your words each day May you continue doing what you do so beautifully !
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Kathy for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara