Widows and widowers who are living alone, I have a question to ask you. What do you do with your days? How do you fill your hours which turn into days now that you are a “me” instead of a “we?”
I didn’t realize how much Jack filled my days and my routines until he wasn't here. Now, I’m having some challenges. Being the very busy, don’t-sit-still kind of person that I am, how do I fill my days?
Household chores — done by 10 AM. Even after correspondence, paying bills, and writing blogs it's only noon or 1 o'clock at the latest. What to do now? Play solitaire, read, get all of my steps in, and nap? Evenings don’t seem so hard — eat dinner (fix food for one, a challenge in itself) then watch TV?
Through my grief work, I learned that grief is expressed through our personality. How we deal with challenges in everyday living is how our grief will show itself. It can manifest as anger, withdrawal, depression, or increased activity. What I didn’t know was the other aspect of grief — transitioning from a “we” to a “me.”
What do “I” want to eat for dinner? What TV show do “I” want to watch? What time do “I” want to go to bed? The operative word is “I.”
One of the ways I am learning how to fill days is by reaching out to others. Where Jack and I satisfied each other's social needs, filled our time together, now I am reaching out. Now I have a number of activities that fill that space: Scheduled weekly evenings watching a TV series with family and friends, pajama Sunday paint by numbers with several friends, and eating an early dinner with friends. The operative words here are "friends" and "family." Part of grieving is finding a way to be with others to counteract the isolation and aimlessness grief can bring.
I learned about end of life and how people die by being at the bedside of many, many people. They taught me what I know. They taught me what books did not teach me. I am now reaching out to you, fellow grievers, to teach me what I didn’t learn about this aspect of grief.
Share with me how you are or have learned to be a “me.”
Something More… about I am now reaching out to you, fellow grievers…
If you are caring for someone facing end of life, get your set of our End of Life Guideline Series bundle to support and educate you from diagnosis to grief.
30 comments
Christine A. Smith
READING YOUR BLOG ABOVE, I thought of a previous guest on my show. I initially invited her to come into one conversation because I saw a comment she had written about loneliness on someone’s post.
Months later, she returned for another episode with solutions she’d implemented and described more about how her life was once so very full and fulfilling.
Most recently, she shared her own post. I’ve condensed it here.
This guest wrote: “I find myself embedded in diversions which are intriguing or even addictive. However, these are not productive or even personally satisfying in terms of MY PLANS.
I am being called back to work substitute teaching part time, saying yes when I choose.
I’ve begun working on art pieces that have been waiting for me to create them.
I’ve organized my own very local art and craft group at my place (my home studio, my patio, and the park across the street) …”
This previous guest has gone through several stages and iterations of ‘I’ and ‘ME’ life. This is the most recent.
THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT. The operative phrase has a FORWARD FOCUS. It is unlike other activities of hers that occupied present hours.
‘MY PLAN’ caught my eye in her post.
Barbara, this thought danced through my head: you gathering in-person with a few local social workers, nurses, and hospice personnel in your backyard. No mics/no cameras: just each other.
I see them encouraged to freely tell their struggles, confusions, and clever solutions.
I see you all jazzed—brain engaged, experience sparkling, and innovative juices flowing while their new friendships are emerging.
That’s just a thought.
YOU know you, Barbara. You know that this time is tender. How perfect to be healing and to be just you with family & friends. This is a treasured rhythm for all of life.
I wonder, in time, if some thing will spark YOUR productive, personal satisfaction. I wonder where YOUR PLAN will take you!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Christine, thank you for sharing. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
READING YOUR BLOG ABOVE, I thought of a previous guest on my show. I initially invited her to come into one conversation because I saw a comment she had written about loneliness on someone’s post.
Months later, she returned for another episode with solutions she’d implemented and described more about how her life was once so very full and fulfilling.
Most recently, she shared her own post. I’ve condensed it here.
This guest wrote: “I find myself embedded in diversions which are intriguing or even addictive. However, these are not productive or even personally satisfying in terms of MY PLANS.
I am being called back to work substitute teaching part time, saying yes when I choose.
I’ve begun working on art pieces that have been waiting for me to create them.
I’ve organized my own very local art and craft group at my place (my home studio, my patio, and the park across the street) …”
This previous guest has gone through several stages and iterations of ‘I’ and ‘ME’ life. This is the most recent.
THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT. The operative phrase has a FORWARD FOCUS. It is unlike other activities of hers that occupied present hours.
‘MY PLAN’ caught my eye in her post.
Barbara, this thought danced through my head: you gathering in-person with a few local social workers, nurses, and hospice personnel in your backyard. No mics/no cameras: just each other.
I see them encouraged to freely tell their struggles, confusions, and clever solutions.
I see you all jazzed—brain engaged, experience sparkling, and innovative juices flowing while their new friendships are emerging.
That’s just a thought.
YOU know you, Barbara. You know that this time is tender. How perfect to be healing and to be just you with family & friends. This is a treasured rhythm for all of life.
I wonder, in time, if some thing will spark YOUR productive, personal satisfaction. I wonder where YOUR PLAN will take you!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Christine, thank you for sharing. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Camille Garry
I want to thank you for all the insight and help advice in caring for my husband who suffered from Lewey Body Dementia. He passed on December 6th, so I am new to this “me” instead of "we"’.’ We were married for 62 years. He was in hospice at home since Oct 2023. I am still numb. I thought I was prepared for the end, but I wasn’t. Thank you for posting these comments I think they have helped me. Camille
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BK Books replied:
Oh, Camille, you’re in the “numb” part of grief. We are never prepared no matter how we think we are. You are kind of put one foot in front of the other beginning of grieving. You might read My Friend, I Care for insight. My blessings to you as you begin a new part of your life. Barbara
I want to thank you for all the insight and help advice in caring for my husband who suffered from Lewey Body Dementia. He passed on December 6th, so I am new to this “me” instead of "we"’.’ We were married for 62 years. He was in hospice at home since Oct 2023. I am still numb. I thought I was prepared for the end, but I wasn’t. Thank you for posting these comments I think they have helped me. Camille
———
BK Books replied:
Oh, Camille, you’re in the “numb” part of grief. We are never prepared no matter how we think we are. You are kind of put one foot in front of the other beginning of grieving. You might read My Friend, I Care for insight. My blessings to you as you begin a new part of your life. Barbara
Kenah Roberts
Dear Barbara,
Thank you for reaching out to others about your grief. You continue to share and model your wisdom by reminding us that we can all learn from each other. My share is about ways I coped and processed my grief of losing my soulmate, who happened to be in a feline body. When my Kiya died, I was debilitatingly grief-stricken. I decided to write letters to her daily. Pouring out my heart to her on paper helped me process the loss in a way that was concrete. Even still, it took me ten years before I was able to speak her name aloud without melting into a puddle of tears. When I lost my second cat twenty years later, I found that rearranging the furniture gave me solace because I was able to stop looking for Taffy-cat in all the old familiar places. I don’t know whether either of those ideas might be helpful to anyone else, but they certainly helped me.
I wish for you a healing of your heart in the ways you find most comforting. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. Your way of being in this world is so wonderfully kind, gentle, compassionate, and inspiring. Please remember to offer these lovely attributes to yourself.
With love and gratitude,
kennie/Kenah
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kennie, I am so glad you shared your love and grief for Kiya with me. For some of us our pets are also our children and we grieve deeply for them. Blessings! Bsrbara
Dear Barbara,
Thank you for reaching out to others about your grief. You continue to share and model your wisdom by reminding us that we can all learn from each other. My share is about ways I coped and processed my grief of losing my soulmate, who happened to be in a feline body. When my Kiya died, I was debilitatingly grief-stricken. I decided to write letters to her daily. Pouring out my heart to her on paper helped me process the loss in a way that was concrete. Even still, it took me ten years before I was able to speak her name aloud without melting into a puddle of tears. When I lost my second cat twenty years later, I found that rearranging the furniture gave me solace because I was able to stop looking for Taffy-cat in all the old familiar places. I don’t know whether either of those ideas might be helpful to anyone else, but they certainly helped me.
I wish for you a healing of your heart in the ways you find most comforting. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. Your way of being in this world is so wonderfully kind, gentle, compassionate, and inspiring. Please remember to offer these lovely attributes to yourself.
With love and gratitude,
kennie/Kenah
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kennie, I am so glad you shared your love and grief for Kiya with me. For some of us our pets are also our children and we grieve deeply for them. Blessings! Bsrbara
Chris
Dear Barbara—
I can only tell of what my mother went through, after my father died when she was only 69. Dad died in an assisted living short-term rental far from any home the two had ever made. Mom knew that she might have breast cancer, but had chosen to nurse Dad through to the end of his illness before getting care for herself. After the formalities were taken care of in Dad’s death, she sought her diagnosis and had her mastectomy, still living in the AL in a rural setting, thankfully only a 4-hr drive from me.
After the immediate recovery period, she knew she must move near one of her three children, and chose the one who serendipitously lived only an hour’s drive from Mom’s birthplace, hometown, and retirement home before her (and Dad’s) last move to the boonies.
She (out)stayed (her welcome with) with my sister, and they together found her a lovely apartment which she could afford. She learned to drive on urban interstates, something she’d never done before. Then she began to blossom back into the young “social butterfly” she had been when she met Dad, who was not a happy socializer. She joined a church. She made very many friends, most younger than herself, and was such an engaging person that they all became close friends. She went to school! Starting with art history as a fun thing, and making the decision to get another bachelor’s degree in Religious Studies, she graduated— one class at a time!— at the age of 78. She contemplated going on for her Master’s, but the long drive to a different campus put her off. Much of her degree-getting time was spent as church librarian, as she had a decades-long history of bringing ailing libraries back to thrivinglife. She was a life-long musician, and finally was in a city with a performing arts “scene”. She joined a large classical chorus, became its librarian, and remained with it until she began experiencing obvious signs of dementia. She attended concerts with friends. She joined friends going into the Big City nearby for superb opera performances. She went to horse races!
I have to say that the driving force for all of her “re-invention” was her rediscovery of her faith in Jesus. She became something of a theologian according to her pastor, and would have long talks with him. She was very active in the church, besides the librarian position. I believe it gave her a calendar and an automatic family.
She socialized with her grandchildren until they flew the nest.
I will not speak of the long slow slide down. She died at 92, having told me only a few weeks before that she “missed Glenn (our father) horribly, every day”.
We have kept some of her writings, but I don’t know if she wrote anything in the early days of her grief at being a widow— we didn’t find anything. She had a very full emotional and spiritual life, which she reflected on in depth from time to time.
She’d intimated early on that she’d “had offers”, but was keeping her wedding band on, and had no intention of marrying again. She simply surrounded herself with (younger) men (and their wives!) and kept the faith that way.
I am in awe of what she did between age 69 and 92.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Chris, what a remarkable woman your mother was. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Dear Barbara—
I can only tell of what my mother went through, after my father died when she was only 69. Dad died in an assisted living short-term rental far from any home the two had ever made. Mom knew that she might have breast cancer, but had chosen to nurse Dad through to the end of his illness before getting care for herself. After the formalities were taken care of in Dad’s death, she sought her diagnosis and had her mastectomy, still living in the AL in a rural setting, thankfully only a 4-hr drive from me.
After the immediate recovery period, she knew she must move near one of her three children, and chose the one who serendipitously lived only an hour’s drive from Mom’s birthplace, hometown, and retirement home before her (and Dad’s) last move to the boonies.
She (out)stayed (her welcome with) with my sister, and they together found her a lovely apartment which she could afford. She learned to drive on urban interstates, something she’d never done before. Then she began to blossom back into the young “social butterfly” she had been when she met Dad, who was not a happy socializer. She joined a church. She made very many friends, most younger than herself, and was such an engaging person that they all became close friends. She went to school! Starting with art history as a fun thing, and making the decision to get another bachelor’s degree in Religious Studies, she graduated— one class at a time!— at the age of 78. She contemplated going on for her Master’s, but the long drive to a different campus put her off. Much of her degree-getting time was spent as church librarian, as she had a decades-long history of bringing ailing libraries back to thrivinglife. She was a life-long musician, and finally was in a city with a performing arts “scene”. She joined a large classical chorus, became its librarian, and remained with it until she began experiencing obvious signs of dementia. She attended concerts with friends. She joined friends going into the Big City nearby for superb opera performances. She went to horse races!
I have to say that the driving force for all of her “re-invention” was her rediscovery of her faith in Jesus. She became something of a theologian according to her pastor, and would have long talks with him. She was very active in the church, besides the librarian position. I believe it gave her a calendar and an automatic family.
She socialized with her grandchildren until they flew the nest.
I will not speak of the long slow slide down. She died at 92, having told me only a few weeks before that she “missed Glenn (our father) horribly, every day”.
We have kept some of her writings, but I don’t know if she wrote anything in the early days of her grief at being a widow— we didn’t find anything. She had a very full emotional and spiritual life, which she reflected on in depth from time to time.
She’d intimated early on that she’d “had offers”, but was keeping her wedding band on, and had no intention of marrying again. She simply surrounded herself with (younger) men (and their wives!) and kept the faith that way.
I am in awe of what she did between age 69 and 92.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Chris, what a remarkable woman your mother was. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Susan Bigelow
My husband enjoyed hearing me play my very old and out of tune piano. This is a skill that I had not worked on and played fairly poorly. In the weeks after his death, I played daily. In the year since he passed, I upgraded my piano and started taking piano lessons, after a 50 year hiatus. I recently purchased a keyboard so I could have a “piano” with me when I travel in my RV. I enjoy playing and improving my skills. I can play for five or 10 minutes at a time in between other activities and I’m never disturbing anyone.This is just one of the ways that I fill my days.
Like you, I am self employed but my work comes sporadically. I appreciate when I have a project that engages my mind.
I joined book clubs and enjoy days spent reading. I also took several online classes. Being engaged with new people about a specific book or subject.
I put local concerts on my calendar and invite a friend or go alone. I pursue other activities that did not interest my husband or he could not do as his health declined.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, thanks for sharing how you are becoming a “me”. Blessings! Barbara
My husband enjoyed hearing me play my very old and out of tune piano. This is a skill that I had not worked on and played fairly poorly. In the weeks after his death, I played daily. In the year since he passed, I upgraded my piano and started taking piano lessons, after a 50 year hiatus. I recently purchased a keyboard so I could have a “piano” with me when I travel in my RV. I enjoy playing and improving my skills. I can play for five or 10 minutes at a time in between other activities and I’m never disturbing anyone.This is just one of the ways that I fill my days.
Like you, I am self employed but my work comes sporadically. I appreciate when I have a project that engages my mind.
I joined book clubs and enjoy days spent reading. I also took several online classes. Being engaged with new people about a specific book or subject.
I put local concerts on my calendar and invite a friend or go alone. I pursue other activities that did not interest my husband or he could not do as his health declined.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, thanks for sharing how you are becoming a “me”. Blessings! Barbara
Paula Kain
Hello Barbara,
My husband of 32 years passed June 2019 at age 69. I just turned 70 and I’ve lived alone now for a little over 5 years. I cared for my mom, died Aug 2011, dad, died June 2016, and my husband, kids. I have never lived alone. It was a huge adjustment to realize there is no one left to care for, except me. After 5 years I found my footing in the world as a single person taking care of me. I live in a seniors only mobile home park and I’ve made friends and we play games a couple times a week. Coffee with my neighbor twice a week. Our clubhouse holds events that are fun. One daughter near by so family is close. The evenings were the hardest to adjust to. I got through my days ok, but the evenings were when it hit hard that I was alone. I crochet, so that distraction helped when night fell. I knew I would learn to love my life again and I do now. We are so blessed to have you as our guiding light through the difficult times caring for our loved ones. Thank you for reaching out.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Paula, I know evenings are often a challenge. It is that time we are truly alone. A book or TV and then lights out. Blessings! Barbara
Hello Barbara,
My husband of 32 years passed June 2019 at age 69. I just turned 70 and I’ve lived alone now for a little over 5 years. I cared for my mom, died Aug 2011, dad, died June 2016, and my husband, kids. I have never lived alone. It was a huge adjustment to realize there is no one left to care for, except me. After 5 years I found my footing in the world as a single person taking care of me. I live in a seniors only mobile home park and I’ve made friends and we play games a couple times a week. Coffee with my neighbor twice a week. Our clubhouse holds events that are fun. One daughter near by so family is close. The evenings were the hardest to adjust to. I got through my days ok, but the evenings were when it hit hard that I was alone. I crochet, so that distraction helped when night fell. I knew I would learn to love my life again and I do now. We are so blessed to have you as our guiding light through the difficult times caring for our loved ones. Thank you for reaching out.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Paula, I know evenings are often a challenge. It is that time we are truly alone. A book or TV and then lights out. Blessings! Barbara
Bev
Dear Barbara — It’s been only 3 months since my dear partner, love, husband died after fighting several cancers for 3 years. We grew closer and more thankful for every day during his illness. I thought his illness prepared me for his death. It did not. I am lonely. I miss his wisdom, laugh, drive. His closeness. His warm body next to mine. In my distracted state, I missed a step and badly dislocated my shoulder. Replacement surgery is 9 days away.
We were married 38 years. He was 76. I am 71. His mantra as a business entrepreneur was NEVER GIVE UP.
My process:
Leaning into Father God in deeper ways. Reading the Bible. Praying. Listening. Reading “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom showed me that when connected to God “I can do it.”
Leaning into my work. We have a cattle operation that I want to continue to succeed, to be passed on to our manager who has worked with us for nearly 30 years, starting when only 16. The 3 of us wholly invested our hearts and sweat equity.
Helping others grieve. I truly believe I must not be closed off and dead like the Salt Lake, but a clear running brook, helping to revive others. I am in a Grief Share group. And every week, I share what I learn with my dear farm manager during our daily lunch. He is grieving his mentor.
I suspect, since I am the first of my friends to lose a spouse, that I will be able to help them process and move forward.
At the grocery store I bought only 1 banana. I cried thinking, “For the rest of my life, I will buy only 1 banana.” That was an attack from the devil. It helps me to know that I am not merely fighting my negative thoughts, but a spirit of darkness that wants to defeat me. I will not be defeated.
Someday, I will lean into transforming me. I am still looking back. Mourning. But I realize that I will discover the future me. Looking back right now is happySad. It brings comfort.
Thank you all for sharing your hearts and journeys.
Sincerely, Bev
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Bev, I am sorry for your loss. Your grief journey is just beginning. I sounds like you have found sources of support and guidance. Good for you. Blessings! Barbara
Dear Barbara — It’s been only 3 months since my dear partner, love, husband died after fighting several cancers for 3 years. We grew closer and more thankful for every day during his illness. I thought his illness prepared me for his death. It did not. I am lonely. I miss his wisdom, laugh, drive. His closeness. His warm body next to mine. In my distracted state, I missed a step and badly dislocated my shoulder. Replacement surgery is 9 days away.
We were married 38 years. He was 76. I am 71. His mantra as a business entrepreneur was NEVER GIVE UP.
My process:
Leaning into Father God in deeper ways. Reading the Bible. Praying. Listening. Reading “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom showed me that when connected to God “I can do it.”
Leaning into my work. We have a cattle operation that I want to continue to succeed, to be passed on to our manager who has worked with us for nearly 30 years, starting when only 16. The 3 of us wholly invested our hearts and sweat equity.
Helping others grieve. I truly believe I must not be closed off and dead like the Salt Lake, but a clear running brook, helping to revive others. I am in a Grief Share group. And every week, I share what I learn with my dear farm manager during our daily lunch. He is grieving his mentor.
I suspect, since I am the first of my friends to lose a spouse, that I will be able to help them process and move forward.
At the grocery store I bought only 1 banana. I cried thinking, “For the rest of my life, I will buy only 1 banana.” That was an attack from the devil. It helps me to know that I am not merely fighting my negative thoughts, but a spirit of darkness that wants to defeat me. I will not be defeated.
Someday, I will lean into transforming me. I am still looking back. Mourning. But I realize that I will discover the future me. Looking back right now is happySad. It brings comfort.
Thank you all for sharing your hearts and journeys.
Sincerely, Bev
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Bev, I am sorry for your loss. Your grief journey is just beginning. I sounds like you have found sources of support and guidance. Good for you. Blessings! Barbara
Novelette
Thank you so much for sharing your grief journey with us, Barbara. Your willingness to be so vulnerable means so much. I am not a widow. But what you said resonated with me because you spoke so well to the secondary losses that can creep up on you. I do know what it is like for your identity to be explicitly tied to another. Trying to separate feels like an infinitely long task. At times it can seem like the loss reveals more unseen parts moment to moment. Especially when you least expect it. Today I learned, over a decade later, the important of taking quiet time. Time to do some deep listening. Hoping it can reveal some hidden wisdom. And as I find my way onward trying learn to include me into the circle of care alsong side others. but i think it’s life long practice trying to find who am now and what my new purpose is. All the best on your continued journey from one griever to another.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette, you’re right there are many things we grieve for, many kind of losses. Yet, we respond the same way to each of them. It isn’t what we lose it is how we react to what we have lost. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you so much for sharing your grief journey with us, Barbara. Your willingness to be so vulnerable means so much. I am not a widow. But what you said resonated with me because you spoke so well to the secondary losses that can creep up on you. I do know what it is like for your identity to be explicitly tied to another. Trying to separate feels like an infinitely long task. At times it can seem like the loss reveals more unseen parts moment to moment. Especially when you least expect it. Today I learned, over a decade later, the important of taking quiet time. Time to do some deep listening. Hoping it can reveal some hidden wisdom. And as I find my way onward trying learn to include me into the circle of care alsong side others. but i think it’s life long practice trying to find who am now and what my new purpose is. All the best on your continued journey from one griever to another.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette, you’re right there are many things we grieve for, many kind of losses. Yet, we respond the same way to each of them. It isn’t what we lose it is how we react to what we have lost. Blessings! Barbara
Randy Coller
My partner Beverly was a 40-year labor & delivery nurse. Helping bereaved parents led her to become a licensed grief therapist. She was diagnosed with MSA which is terminal. We were very frank about our situation. We had the “advantage” of knowing Bev’s illness was terminal. She desired to die at home so we built an addition on the house so everything was on one floor. She loved what she called the “spa.” She enjoyed the spa for nine months then died. All the while, I continued to work. Bev understood my need to continue working. She understood that I would need to keep busy after she passed. That was the key to my journey through grief. Although I knew in advance what the end would be, I wasn’t prepared as much as I anticipated—the grief was far more difficult than I expected. I attended two “grief” support groups. One through Hospice and one through Catholic Charities. Neither were helpful. I signed up for two online grief study groups through the United Methodist Lay Leader Program. Those were much more were helpful. Working was key for me in my journey through grief. “Understanding Your Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. was helpful. It would have been more helpful to read chapters 8 & 9 first. While knowing one’s condition is terminal, caregivers experience both anticipatory grief and then the grief that comes after their passing.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Randy, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear two of the support grief groups were not helpful. Could you tell me their pros and cons. We may be able to help others by sharing. No pressure if you feel uncomfortable. Use my email Barbara@bkbooks.com. Blessings! Barbara
My partner Beverly was a 40-year labor & delivery nurse. Helping bereaved parents led her to become a licensed grief therapist. She was diagnosed with MSA which is terminal. We were very frank about our situation. We had the “advantage” of knowing Bev’s illness was terminal. She desired to die at home so we built an addition on the house so everything was on one floor. She loved what she called the “spa.” She enjoyed the spa for nine months then died. All the while, I continued to work. Bev understood my need to continue working. She understood that I would need to keep busy after she passed. That was the key to my journey through grief. Although I knew in advance what the end would be, I wasn’t prepared as much as I anticipated—the grief was far more difficult than I expected. I attended two “grief” support groups. One through Hospice and one through Catholic Charities. Neither were helpful. I signed up for two online grief study groups through the United Methodist Lay Leader Program. Those were much more were helpful. Working was key for me in my journey through grief. “Understanding Your Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. was helpful. It would have been more helpful to read chapters 8 & 9 first. While knowing one’s condition is terminal, caregivers experience both anticipatory grief and then the grief that comes after their passing.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Randy, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear two of the support grief groups were not helpful. Could you tell me their pros and cons. We may be able to help others by sharing. No pressure if you feel uncomfortable. Use my email Barbara@bkbooks.com. Blessings! Barbara
Linda
My Dear Barbara, (Yep, just passed out one of your booklets recently.)
I’m now 70 1/2 years old and just retired from RN work which included hospice; my favorite. I lost my first husband to suicide 42 years ago when I was only 29, but we’d been together for 12 years. I had to approach some of the grief as a new found freedom, although I didn’t ask for it. I was able to travel where I wanted, and see friends who welcomed me no matter where my grieving head and heart was at. Return to those things that you always wanted to do, but had to stay on the homefront for work or to care for your hubby. It takes a drop of bravery to stretch beyond your usual patterns. I went to concerts that I know he didn’t ever like. I visited friends that he wouldn’t have enjoyed. Go on tours designed just for seniors.
Just for grins, grab the book “Saturday Night Widows: the Adventures of Six Friends Remaking Their Lives” by Becky Aikman. It was first published in 2013, but several editions have been produced. It’s a true and fun tale following these atypical widows and seeing how they learn about their new life. Several friends have loved it. It also doesn’t dance around the evolution of yourself learning to live with the loss.
In my recovery soon after, I read a news magazine article on dying. It said, “you don’t have to get over it, you just have to learn to live with it.” That was a big relief on my attempt to “get through the stages.” Now that I’m retired, my project is to scan 13 boxes of family photos, starting with the stacks in my Dad’s WW2 Army trunk. The youngsters in the family will appreciate that long after I’m gone.
I love this item from “Peaceful Mind, Peaceful Life” by Joelle:
“Age is irrelevant. Ask me how many sunsets I’ve seen, hearts I’ve loved, trips I’ve taken, or concerts I’ve been to. That’s how old I am.”
Hope peace finds you in new places; it’s okay to enjoy yourself.
Heartfelt hugz, Linda B
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, thank you for sharing your ideas with us. I love Joelle’s quote. I am going to type it and hang over my desk. A great life reminder. Blessings! Barbara
My Dear Barbara, (Yep, just passed out one of your booklets recently.)
I’m now 70 1/2 years old and just retired from RN work which included hospice; my favorite. I lost my first husband to suicide 42 years ago when I was only 29, but we’d been together for 12 years. I had to approach some of the grief as a new found freedom, although I didn’t ask for it. I was able to travel where I wanted, and see friends who welcomed me no matter where my grieving head and heart was at. Return to those things that you always wanted to do, but had to stay on the homefront for work or to care for your hubby. It takes a drop of bravery to stretch beyond your usual patterns. I went to concerts that I know he didn’t ever like. I visited friends that he wouldn’t have enjoyed. Go on tours designed just for seniors.
Just for grins, grab the book “Saturday Night Widows: the Adventures of Six Friends Remaking Their Lives” by Becky Aikman. It was first published in 2013, but several editions have been produced. It’s a true and fun tale following these atypical widows and seeing how they learn about their new life. Several friends have loved it. It also doesn’t dance around the evolution of yourself learning to live with the loss.
In my recovery soon after, I read a news magazine article on dying. It said, “you don’t have to get over it, you just have to learn to live with it.” That was a big relief on my attempt to “get through the stages.” Now that I’m retired, my project is to scan 13 boxes of family photos, starting with the stacks in my Dad’s WW2 Army trunk. The youngsters in the family will appreciate that long after I’m gone.
I love this item from “Peaceful Mind, Peaceful Life” by Joelle:
“Age is irrelevant. Ask me how many sunsets I’ve seen, hearts I’ve loved, trips I’ve taken, or concerts I’ve been to. That’s how old I am.”
Hope peace finds you in new places; it’s okay to enjoy yourself.
Heartfelt hugz, Linda B
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BK Books replied:
Hi Linda, thank you for sharing your ideas with us. I love Joelle’s quote. I am going to type it and hang over my desk. A great life reminder. Blessings! Barbara
Debbie
Barbara, I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share you about become a “me”. I lost my husband of 46 years in May. I was 19 when we married. I guess you could say I’ve never really been a “me”.
I am still working 4 days a week ( at a Target), so at least for those hours my grief is distracted. Coming home to an empty house and the thought of cooking, well, it’s hard. I read, I watch British detective shows that we loved to watch. Honestly, it’s really hard. Part of me feels like I have a blank canvas in front of me and can create my new life. The grieving part of me isn’t quite ready for that yet, but I see glimpses of it.
Your work in Hospice has meant so much to so many people. As one who benefitted from your " blue Hospice " book, I sincerely thank you and hope for you the grace, peace and strength that your work has brought so many.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, I watch the British detective shows also. My go to shows. Great evening companions. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share you about become a “me”. I lost my husband of 46 years in May. I was 19 when we married. I guess you could say I’ve never really been a “me”.
I am still working 4 days a week ( at a Target), so at least for those hours my grief is distracted. Coming home to an empty house and the thought of cooking, well, it’s hard. I read, I watch British detective shows that we loved to watch. Honestly, it’s really hard. Part of me feels like I have a blank canvas in front of me and can create my new life. The grieving part of me isn’t quite ready for that yet, but I see glimpses of it.
Your work in Hospice has meant so much to so many people. As one who benefitted from your " blue Hospice " book, I sincerely thank you and hope for you the grace, peace and strength that your work has brought so many.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Debbie, I watch the British detective shows also. My go to shows. Great evening companions. Blessings! Barbara
Margaret
My husband and I were married for thirty years; and we always anticipated that I would pre-decease him. Instead, he died more than five years ago, less than three months after being diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and entering hospice care. Initially, I found support in hospice-sponsored programs, in particular, a monthly lunch bunch that I still attend occasionally and a book discussion group. My husband also died just before the Pandemic started, and I, too, found on-line discussion groups and programs to be my “connection” with the world outside. The Church where I am a member has monthly fellowship programs for seniors, one a luncheon with a featured program and the other a luncheon group just for widows and widowers. I am saddened that my stepdaughter and her family have chosen not to remain in touch with me but grateful for friends who do maintain contact. Because I have neither children nor siblings, I am now an “elder orphan” or “solo senior.” My husband’s dog has become my beloved canine companion. Our days start with breakfast and a walk for him. I try to attend at least one social gathering each week, but, quite honestly, sometimes I would like to socialize with men instead of just other ladies. Because of medical issues, I go to the wellness center twice a week for rehabilitation exercises. I still connect on a regular basis with a few groups via Zoom. And, I still have a “to do” list that includes finalizing my own final arrangements, writing instructions for people who will eventually dispose of my belongings, and sorting through and disposing of paperwork and other “stuff.” At mealtimes, I read print newspapers and magazines. In the evenings, I read or watch TV. And, yes, even after more than five years, I am still very aware of the challenges of no longer being “we” – especially at the holiday season when I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Margaret, I like your idea of sorting through our life’s accumulation, now. It will be a good walk down memory lane AND be helpful for our survivors when we are also gone. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
My husband and I were married for thirty years; and we always anticipated that I would pre-decease him. Instead, he died more than five years ago, less than three months after being diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and entering hospice care. Initially, I found support in hospice-sponsored programs, in particular, a monthly lunch bunch that I still attend occasionally and a book discussion group. My husband also died just before the Pandemic started, and I, too, found on-line discussion groups and programs to be my “connection” with the world outside. The Church where I am a member has monthly fellowship programs for seniors, one a luncheon with a featured program and the other a luncheon group just for widows and widowers. I am saddened that my stepdaughter and her family have chosen not to remain in touch with me but grateful for friends who do maintain contact. Because I have neither children nor siblings, I am now an “elder orphan” or “solo senior.” My husband’s dog has become my beloved canine companion. Our days start with breakfast and a walk for him. I try to attend at least one social gathering each week, but, quite honestly, sometimes I would like to socialize with men instead of just other ladies. Because of medical issues, I go to the wellness center twice a week for rehabilitation exercises. I still connect on a regular basis with a few groups via Zoom. And, I still have a “to do” list that includes finalizing my own final arrangements, writing instructions for people who will eventually dispose of my belongings, and sorting through and disposing of paperwork and other “stuff.” At mealtimes, I read print newspapers and magazines. In the evenings, I read or watch TV. And, yes, even after more than five years, I am still very aware of the challenges of no longer being “we” – especially at the holiday season when I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Margaret, I like your idea of sorting through our life’s accumulation, now. It will be a good walk down memory lane AND be helpful for our survivors when we are also gone. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Donna
Barb, you are an inspiration to me and so many others. I am a Death Doula. I learn every day from you and others in this field of care giving that is both the most precious gift and misunderstood by many. You are a champion in this area of life.
At the same time that I admire you my heart breaks for your sadness and loneliness of losing your husband. Make sure you allow people to look after you as you would others in your stage of life.
You are kind, you are strong and you are loved.
Donna
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Donna, for those kind and beautiful words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Barb, you are an inspiration to me and so many others. I am a Death Doula. I learn every day from you and others in this field of care giving that is both the most precious gift and misunderstood by many. You are a champion in this area of life.
At the same time that I admire you my heart breaks for your sadness and loneliness of losing your husband. Make sure you allow people to look after you as you would others in your stage of life.
You are kind, you are strong and you are loved.
Donna
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Donna, for those kind and beautiful words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Delores Bolle
Hello!
My husband passed away in June of
dementia and kidney failure. I cared for him at home. I guess I’m sort of lucky because I have been busy, not by choice.
I don’t think I’ve grieved yet. I am guardian of a 9 yr old grandson who has ADHD-Alcohol Fetal Syndrome and borderline autism. I have had him for 8 yrs. He’s not medicated which is a challenge. Lots of counseling and school meetings. Trying to keep him busy with sports. Plus he clings to me like lint! Lol My husband was the only father figure he’s ever had. So he took his death pretty hard. It was hard caring for both of them. He’s better now but I still stay busy with him. I miss my husband. I know I need to grieve I cry at night by myself. I pray a lot I have all your books. I used to volunteer with hospice. So it kind of prepared me. Thank you for all you do God bless you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delores, You certainly have your hands full. Be sure to find time for yourself and to do something that brings you joy. Blessings! Barbara
Hello!
My husband passed away in June of
dementia and kidney failure. I cared for him at home. I guess I’m sort of lucky because I have been busy, not by choice.
I don’t think I’ve grieved yet. I am guardian of a 9 yr old grandson who has ADHD-Alcohol Fetal Syndrome and borderline autism. I have had him for 8 yrs. He’s not medicated which is a challenge. Lots of counseling and school meetings. Trying to keep him busy with sports. Plus he clings to me like lint! Lol My husband was the only father figure he’s ever had. So he took his death pretty hard. It was hard caring for both of them. He’s better now but I still stay busy with him. I miss my husband. I know I need to grieve I cry at night by myself. I pray a lot I have all your books. I used to volunteer with hospice. So it kind of prepared me. Thank you for all you do God bless you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delores, You certainly have your hands full. Be sure to find time for yourself and to do something that brings you joy. Blessings! Barbara
Patty
Hi Barbara,
Grief is the most complex of any emotion I’ve ever felt, except maybe love. It’s all encompassing. It affects every minute of every day and night. I’m two years in and still feeling all the ramifications of losing my husband. I am a hospice volunteer, have become certified in reiki, volunteer in an elementary school, started a grievers ‘ walking group, have made new friends, and it still doesn’t fill the void. Any suggestions welcome.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Patty, read through the comments at the end of this particular blog. The ideas shared by so many makes my heart smile and has given me all sorts of ideas on how to fill my days—and nights. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Barbara,
Grief is the most complex of any emotion I’ve ever felt, except maybe love. It’s all encompassing. It affects every minute of every day and night. I’m two years in and still feeling all the ramifications of losing my husband. I am a hospice volunteer, have become certified in reiki, volunteer in an elementary school, started a grievers ‘ walking group, have made new friends, and it still doesn’t fill the void. Any suggestions welcome.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Patty, read through the comments at the end of this particular blog. The ideas shared by so many makes my heart smile and has given me all sorts of ideas on how to fill my days—and nights. Blessings! Barbara
Charise
Hi Barbara,
My husband passed away in 11/2020 at the age of 59 from Pancreatic Cancer. He fought it for 4 1/2 years! I quickly got involved in a Grief Share support group, and in person grief support group and read numerous books dealing with grief. I let myself feel everything whenever I felt it. I then moved on to volunteering-Meals on Wheels, a dog rescue and volunteering with toddlers at church. I work out at the gym consistently. It really helps. All of this has been helpful, but I personally feel that playing and being with my grand children has been THE best therapy for me. Remember…they say you only grieve as much as you love. We were so blessed to have our special guys. In time, you will shape a differential full life for yourself. Be good to yourself. God bless you on your path.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Charise, thanks for the ideas. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Barbara,
My husband passed away in 11/2020 at the age of 59 from Pancreatic Cancer. He fought it for 4 1/2 years! I quickly got involved in a Grief Share support group, and in person grief support group and read numerous books dealing with grief. I let myself feel everything whenever I felt it. I then moved on to volunteering-Meals on Wheels, a dog rescue and volunteering with toddlers at church. I work out at the gym consistently. It really helps. All of this has been helpful, but I personally feel that playing and being with my grand children has been THE best therapy for me. Remember…they say you only grieve as much as you love. We were so blessed to have our special guys. In time, you will shape a differential full life for yourself. Be good to yourself. God bless you on your path.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Charise, thanks for the ideas. Blessings! Barbara
Marlena Vega
My husband died shortly before the Pandemic. Being forced to be alone was actually a blessing in disguise. There were many things to do on-line, including our local Hospice Grief Group. An actor friend got me to attend some on-line plays and I had a couple of parts in my church’s recording of Scrooge. Road Scholar has wonderful lectures, another church member invited me to a Lynn Ungar poetry reading and musical salute to the Solstice. Now that we’re back to in-person activities I’m busy with church activities, I’m all caught up with several years of Genealogy research and documentation and helping my cousin’s daughter get started. Through DNA results a couple of cousins have surfaced which is fun. There’s also the gentle Swedish art of döstädning which fills in any spare time I may have. Some days I need just a couple more hours to get everything done. There are times, of course, when I really, really miss my spouse – his laughter, his hugs – and hearing his voice on digitized movie camera films brought tears. Those sudden bits of sorrow have a name in my circle – sneaker waves. All of our grief journeys are different, I hope hearing about mine helps a bit.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Marlena, thank for sharing your wonderful ideas. I’m going to look into some of them. Blessings! Barbara
My husband died shortly before the Pandemic. Being forced to be alone was actually a blessing in disguise. There were many things to do on-line, including our local Hospice Grief Group. An actor friend got me to attend some on-line plays and I had a couple of parts in my church’s recording of Scrooge. Road Scholar has wonderful lectures, another church member invited me to a Lynn Ungar poetry reading and musical salute to the Solstice. Now that we’re back to in-person activities I’m busy with church activities, I’m all caught up with several years of Genealogy research and documentation and helping my cousin’s daughter get started. Through DNA results a couple of cousins have surfaced which is fun. There’s also the gentle Swedish art of döstädning which fills in any spare time I may have. Some days I need just a couple more hours to get everything done. There are times, of course, when I really, really miss my spouse – his laughter, his hugs – and hearing his voice on digitized movie camera films brought tears. Those sudden bits of sorrow have a name in my circle – sneaker waves. All of our grief journeys are different, I hope hearing about mine helps a bit.
———
BK Books replied:
Oh Marlena, thank for sharing your wonderful ideas. I’m going to look into some of them. Blessings! Barbara
Paula Schneider
Hi, Barbara. What a great question! I pray my comments will help you and others. Do I miss my soulmate? Oh yes, more than I ever realized I would. We had hoped to hold hands as we walked together peacefully toward the finish line. That was not to be. He was called away 25 months ago. I was devastated and lost. Over the months, I began doing things to stay busy. I wouldn’t say they are fun, but they fill the empty hours. In random order, here are some of the activities: I talk to Larry every day, I journal regularly, I take Zoom self-improvement classes that require I show up twice weekly, I have self-care appointments monthly: hair, nails, facial, and massage, I got a puppy at the one-year anniversary of Larry’s passing (she keeps me unbelievably busy around the clock), I go out to eat with friends twice a month or more, read (no TV or news ever), support friends who are also struggling with various losses, recycle (lifelong recyclers we were), pray and meditate daily or more, transcribed four years of Larry’s talks and made them into volumes and sent them to Unity Village Archives, and I decorate wooden tissue box covers and give them away, and more. These activities seem to fill the days. Am I joyous? Not yet, but that is one goal. We were like you and your husband—together more than most couples and loving every minute. We laughed a LOT! Early on, I just wanted to be where he is, but it wasn’t meant to be. Meanwhile, I try to be my best Paula at all times. Thanks for the opportunity to take stock and experience a temporary feeling of satisfaction for keeping on. Paula
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BK Books replied:
Hi Paula, if life is a school then grief is a course we all have to take. Learning how to live solo is also a course. Blessings to you. Barbara
Hi, Barbara. What a great question! I pray my comments will help you and others. Do I miss my soulmate? Oh yes, more than I ever realized I would. We had hoped to hold hands as we walked together peacefully toward the finish line. That was not to be. He was called away 25 months ago. I was devastated and lost. Over the months, I began doing things to stay busy. I wouldn’t say they are fun, but they fill the empty hours. In random order, here are some of the activities: I talk to Larry every day, I journal regularly, I take Zoom self-improvement classes that require I show up twice weekly, I have self-care appointments monthly: hair, nails, facial, and massage, I got a puppy at the one-year anniversary of Larry’s passing (she keeps me unbelievably busy around the clock), I go out to eat with friends twice a month or more, read (no TV or news ever), support friends who are also struggling with various losses, recycle (lifelong recyclers we were), pray and meditate daily or more, transcribed four years of Larry’s talks and made them into volumes and sent them to Unity Village Archives, and I decorate wooden tissue box covers and give them away, and more. These activities seem to fill the days. Am I joyous? Not yet, but that is one goal. We were like you and your husband—together more than most couples and loving every minute. We laughed a LOT! Early on, I just wanted to be where he is, but it wasn’t meant to be. Meanwhile, I try to be my best Paula at all times. Thanks for the opportunity to take stock and experience a temporary feeling of satisfaction for keeping on. Paula
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Paula, if life is a school then grief is a course we all have to take. Learning how to live solo is also a course. Blessings to you. Barbara
Kate Kanaley-Miller
Dear Barbara, divorce can land you in this same situation… the death of a marriage…..
Think of something you have always wanted to do. I went back to school to learn piano, recorder, voice… It was wonderful!!!! I wrote like crazy…. The pain the grief the change in my worldview the lack of support for my situation from family all added up to a whole new world I was living in that I did no longer understand. (Just between you and me much like what is happening in our political world right now)
This divorce placed me in my first ‘I’ life. I wrote a piece of music I now call ‘SOLACE’ and played it over and over and over again. I wrote poetry and joined a writing group. GREAT!!! I journaled like crazy at night till I could come to a peaceful place and fall asleep… I journaled so long that my right hand got so tired I taught myself to write left handed. I questioned God and couldn’t say the name for years until I came to a new understanding…. I needed all new friends all but one and one family member stuck with me through the divorce. The 70’s and Roman Catholic and I was the one divorcing him… you can imagine…
Anyway hoping something in there might be helpful… there is more if you are interested..
BLESSINGS, Kate
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kate, you are right, there are other forms of grief. Grief is reactions to loss AND there are all kinds of losses. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you. Barbara
Dear Barbara, divorce can land you in this same situation… the death of a marriage…..
Think of something you have always wanted to do. I went back to school to learn piano, recorder, voice… It was wonderful!!!! I wrote like crazy…. The pain the grief the change in my worldview the lack of support for my situation from family all added up to a whole new world I was living in that I did no longer understand. (Just between you and me much like what is happening in our political world right now)
This divorce placed me in my first ‘I’ life. I wrote a piece of music I now call ‘SOLACE’ and played it over and over and over again. I wrote poetry and joined a writing group. GREAT!!! I journaled like crazy at night till I could come to a peaceful place and fall asleep… I journaled so long that my right hand got so tired I taught myself to write left handed. I questioned God and couldn’t say the name for years until I came to a new understanding…. I needed all new friends all but one and one family member stuck with me through the divorce. The 70’s and Roman Catholic and I was the one divorcing him… you can imagine…
Anyway hoping something in there might be helpful… there is more if you are interested..
BLESSINGS, Kate
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kate, you are right, there are other forms of grief. Grief is reactions to loss AND there are all kinds of losses. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you. Barbara
Krista Gassib
Dear sweet Barbara
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dear “we”. My mom is in her eighties and my step dad is in his late nineties and I wonder what it will be like for her once he dies. We love so hard and if we are lucky for so long, I can’t imagine it ever feels the same again. I think its important to keep him alive through stories and activities you did together. Talk out loud and share your thoughts with him. Energy just changes forms and he is still around you just in a differnt way. Sending you lots of love 💕💕💕💕 and a bowl of your favorite ice cream.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Krista, thanks for the thoughts. Pralines & Cream is very tasty. Blessings! Barbara
Dear sweet Barbara
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dear “we”. My mom is in her eighties and my step dad is in his late nineties and I wonder what it will be like for her once he dies. We love so hard and if we are lucky for so long, I can’t imagine it ever feels the same again. I think its important to keep him alive through stories and activities you did together. Talk out loud and share your thoughts with him. Energy just changes forms and he is still around you just in a differnt way. Sending you lots of love 💕💕💕💕 and a bowl of your favorite ice cream.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Krista, thanks for the thoughts. Pralines & Cream is very tasty. Blessings! Barbara
DEBORAH DUSTMAN
Hi Barbara! I am an adult orphan. I helped my only sibling die in 2003 of breast cancer. I helped my father die in 2008 of myelodysplastic syndrom secondary to acute leukemia. I helped my mother die in 2010 of breast cancer. I had no children, so I have no grandchildren. All I had after Momma died was a husband who worked all the time. For four years, I was all alone with my thoughts all day.
I truly missed my Momma. But I was curious about her lineage, of which she knew very little. So I took up geneology as a hobby. What I learned was that geneology can be the best history book I never read. I learned all about the family that to this day allows me to live and breathe. I now have 25,000 ancestors in my Ancestry.com family tree. I have taken trips across country and across the world to find where my family lived, worshiped, worked, raised children and buried their loved ones. Some of dthese trips have been with my first cousins. Others were to visit third cousins I had never met in distant countries. I have created family trees for others who were puzzled about their ancestry. From all my work in geneology, I have felt very fulfilled and connected to my ancestors. I have come to know so many of them. And I love every aspect of it: learning history, geography, social forces behind emigration, and how families survived despite great hardships and loss. I highly recommend this hobby of mine, which is now 15 years old. I still have work to do, places to go, and new people to meet in all the places that were home to my entire family of origin! You have blessed me greatly with all your wisdom about death and dying (and grief, which never ends). So I wish you the blessings you can find when you become introduced to your very own families of origin! ~Deborah
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, my son is a big purser of our family history through genealogy so I appreciate the challenge of the hunt and the rewards of the efforts. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Barbara! I am an adult orphan. I helped my only sibling die in 2003 of breast cancer. I helped my father die in 2008 of myelodysplastic syndrom secondary to acute leukemia. I helped my mother die in 2010 of breast cancer. I had no children, so I have no grandchildren. All I had after Momma died was a husband who worked all the time. For four years, I was all alone with my thoughts all day.
I truly missed my Momma. But I was curious about her lineage, of which she knew very little. So I took up geneology as a hobby. What I learned was that geneology can be the best history book I never read. I learned all about the family that to this day allows me to live and breathe. I now have 25,000 ancestors in my Ancestry.com family tree. I have taken trips across country and across the world to find where my family lived, worshiped, worked, raised children and buried their loved ones. Some of dthese trips have been with my first cousins. Others were to visit third cousins I had never met in distant countries. I have created family trees for others who were puzzled about their ancestry. From all my work in geneology, I have felt very fulfilled and connected to my ancestors. I have come to know so many of them. And I love every aspect of it: learning history, geography, social forces behind emigration, and how families survived despite great hardships and loss. I highly recommend this hobby of mine, which is now 15 years old. I still have work to do, places to go, and new people to meet in all the places that were home to my entire family of origin! You have blessed me greatly with all your wisdom about death and dying (and grief, which never ends). So I wish you the blessings you can find when you become introduced to your very own families of origin! ~Deborah
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, my son is a big purser of our family history through genealogy so I appreciate the challenge of the hunt and the rewards of the efforts. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Alissa Myatt
Hi Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband died after a long and brutal battle with cancer x2 years ago. He was 62 and I was 57. We would have celebrated our 33 wedding anniversary this past December. I love how you described isolation and aimlessness. I felt really ungrounded for a long time after losing my best friend. I am adjusting to Bob’s loss by getting into some 1:1 as well as group grief counseling. It has helped me tremendously to talk with other widows by normalizing many of my experiences with grief, e.g., I’m not alone feeling this way. I also love to read and have found your column helpful, as well as the book “It’s okay that you’re not okay” by Megan Devine. I do work and find my work extremely meaningful and healing but can’t do it at the same pace I did before losing Bob. I have also started to do some activities again that I couldn’t do when Bob was alive with my commitment to caring for him. Re-engaging in some of those activities – especially outdoor and ocean water sports is slowly helping me feel grounded again. I am so grateful for the loving relationship I had with such a good man for as long as we had together but boy do I miss him
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BK Books replied:
Hi Alissa, thank you for sharing such good ideas with us. Blessings to you. Barbara
Hi Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband died after a long and brutal battle with cancer x2 years ago. He was 62 and I was 57. We would have celebrated our 33 wedding anniversary this past December. I love how you described isolation and aimlessness. I felt really ungrounded for a long time after losing my best friend. I am adjusting to Bob’s loss by getting into some 1:1 as well as group grief counseling. It has helped me tremendously to talk with other widows by normalizing many of my experiences with grief, e.g., I’m not alone feeling this way. I also love to read and have found your column helpful, as well as the book “It’s okay that you’re not okay” by Megan Devine. I do work and find my work extremely meaningful and healing but can’t do it at the same pace I did before losing Bob. I have also started to do some activities again that I couldn’t do when Bob was alive with my commitment to caring for him. Re-engaging in some of those activities – especially outdoor and ocean water sports is slowly helping me feel grounded again. I am so grateful for the loving relationship I had with such a good man for as long as we had together but boy do I miss him
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Alissa, thank you for sharing such good ideas with us. Blessings to you. Barbara
Madelaine.
My best friend , Irene, just died a few hours ago, She was “the Sister of my Heart.” She died as soon as she was in hospice care. Her daughter was with her. But she didnt want visitors- which I understand. I am grieving that her life has ended but i am glad she did not suffer. I will miss her. I have a partner Ron snd many friends. She was very special and i will miss her
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BK Books replied:
Madelaine, you might write your friend a letter. Put all your thoughts, tears, everything you would have said to her if you had been able, on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. It doesn’t take the place of being with her as she was leaving but allows you to say what your heart wants you to tell her. Blessings! Barbara
My best friend , Irene, just died a few hours ago, She was “the Sister of my Heart.” She died as soon as she was in hospice care. Her daughter was with her. But she didnt want visitors- which I understand. I am grieving that her life has ended but i am glad she did not suffer. I will miss her. I have a partner Ron snd many friends. She was very special and i will miss her
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BK Books replied:
Madelaine, you might write your friend a letter. Put all your thoughts, tears, everything you would have said to her if you had been able, on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. It doesn’t take the place of being with her as she was leaving but allows you to say what your heart wants you to tell her. Blessings! Barbara
Pat
Rediscovering me was something I also did not count on having to do. I promised my husband I would be ok….and I am. Things I have done to help me be the new “me” is to complete items on our “bucket list”! I travel, bought a RV ( travel with friends), read, volunteer at my hospice, have alone time, walk the dog, go out to eat, help my friends who have lost their spouses….being a “one” when you were a we is difficult…..it is also hard for others, who sometimes do not know how to treat you. The key is to find the joy in life again….see the wonderful things out there and share the moment with your loved one who has passed. Also, remember grief has no start and stop date…..you are now on a new life’s journey…..cry, laugh, sing, dance, be with others and be alone…..just be!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Pat, beautifully said. Thank you. Barbara
Rediscovering me was something I also did not count on having to do. I promised my husband I would be ok….and I am. Things I have done to help me be the new “me” is to complete items on our “bucket list”! I travel, bought a RV ( travel with friends), read, volunteer at my hospice, have alone time, walk the dog, go out to eat, help my friends who have lost their spouses….being a “one” when you were a we is difficult…..it is also hard for others, who sometimes do not know how to treat you. The key is to find the joy in life again….see the wonderful things out there and share the moment with your loved one who has passed. Also, remember grief has no start and stop date…..you are now on a new life’s journey…..cry, laugh, sing, dance, be with others and be alone…..just be!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Pat, beautifully said. Thank you. Barbara
Billy Brewer
My bride was diagnosed in 2014 with VCI, a form of younger onset dementia. I was her caregiver until she passed in April ’23. Two things she communicated to me as clearly as if I was receiving dictation. the first was immediately following her passing and the second about a year later. My advice to others – listen for those communications…
I kept this one posted all over the house…
“Babe,
*I’M HEALED, HAPPY, WITH FAMILY & FRIENDS, & WITH JESUS!!
*I MISS YOU TOO..
*I’M STILL GOING TO COMMUNICATE..
*I WANT YOU TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY..
*I WANT YOU TO KEEP GOING..
*I WANT YOU TO HAVE FUN..
*I’M REJOICING – BUT WAITING ANXIOUSLY FOR YOU TO JOIN ME..
I love you,
– S”
**********************
After one year:
“It’s been a year..
..and it still seems like yesterday.
She taught me you could have a whole lot of mad, sad, and glad, and still happily survive together for 50+ years.
I could have died the day after she did, and not been one bit upset – or afraid.
Then after almost a year, she let me know she would kick my a** for thinking that. She told me there are kids, grandkids, family, friends; words that need to be written; songs that need to be sung; care that needs to be given; and time that needs to be taken. Then she told me – I’ll see you when all that’s done..
I miss you, Babe..”
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BK Books replied:
Hi Billy, thank you for sharing. There is comfort in believing we will meet again. The trick is to find our way to live fruitfully until we do. Blessings! Barbara
My bride was diagnosed in 2014 with VCI, a form of younger onset dementia. I was her caregiver until she passed in April ’23. Two things she communicated to me as clearly as if I was receiving dictation. the first was immediately following her passing and the second about a year later. My advice to others – listen for those communications…
I kept this one posted all over the house…
“Babe,
*I’M HEALED, HAPPY, WITH FAMILY & FRIENDS, & WITH JESUS!!
*I MISS YOU TOO..
*I’M STILL GOING TO COMMUNICATE..
*I WANT YOU TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY..
*I WANT YOU TO KEEP GOING..
*I WANT YOU TO HAVE FUN..
*I’M REJOICING – BUT WAITING ANXIOUSLY FOR YOU TO JOIN ME..
I love you,
– S”
**********************
After one year:
“It’s been a year..
..and it still seems like yesterday.
She taught me you could have a whole lot of mad, sad, and glad, and still happily survive together for 50+ years.
I could have died the day after she did, and not been one bit upset – or afraid.
Then after almost a year, she let me know she would kick my a** for thinking that. She told me there are kids, grandkids, family, friends; words that need to be written; songs that need to be sung; care that needs to be given; and time that needs to be taken. Then she told me – I’ll see you when all that’s done..
I miss you, Babe..”
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Billy, thank you for sharing. There is comfort in believing we will meet again. The trick is to find our way to live fruitfully until we do. Blessings! Barbara
MARGARET D ADAMS
I LOVE THE PUBLISHING OF “MY FRIEND I CARE” RECEIVE SO MANY GRATEFUL RESPONSES.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Margaret. a lot of people use it as a sympathy card— to add a bit of knowledge to the emotions. Blessings! Barbara
I LOVE THE PUBLISHING OF “MY FRIEND I CARE” RECEIVE SO MANY GRATEFUL RESPONSES.
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Margaret. a lot of people use it as a sympathy card— to add a bit of knowledge to the emotions. Blessings! Barbara
Jen
Aloha. My situation is not the same. My mother and I spoke daily for 17 years and the last 3 years of her life she lived with me. This is not the same as a lifelong marriage, but maybe my thoughts and experiences may still be helpful? It is really easy for me to wander around in my memories and to some extent that is wonderful, reminding me of the richness of this relationship. But, it is looking backwards. I am finding it important to remind myself to look forward to the next phase of life – what will be rewarding, beautiful, touching, special, fulfilling? I ask myself how I want to contribute all of the richness of my experiences and the depth of my shared love with others now and into the future. I gave myself permission to be with my feelings and my grief process until I felt the pull to use my energy to give back into the community. Life is pulling me back into its stream and I am ready. (But, I was not ready until now, and I respected the timing of my own healing process as I hope each of you will as well)
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BK Books replied:
Hi Jen, such wise words. Thank you. Barbara
Aloha. My situation is not the same. My mother and I spoke daily for 17 years and the last 3 years of her life she lived with me. This is not the same as a lifelong marriage, but maybe my thoughts and experiences may still be helpful? It is really easy for me to wander around in my memories and to some extent that is wonderful, reminding me of the richness of this relationship. But, it is looking backwards. I am finding it important to remind myself to look forward to the next phase of life – what will be rewarding, beautiful, touching, special, fulfilling? I ask myself how I want to contribute all of the richness of my experiences and the depth of my shared love with others now and into the future. I gave myself permission to be with my feelings and my grief process until I felt the pull to use my energy to give back into the community. Life is pulling me back into its stream and I am ready. (But, I was not ready until now, and I respected the timing of my own healing process as I hope each of you will as well)
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Jen, such wise words. Thank you. Barbara
Marcia
A widow at 84, now 86. First time I have ever lived alone. First had to admit I love the freedom and quietness of living along. Not easy to admit to myself or others as it might seem I am happy to be a widow. I am definitely not happy to be a widow – I miss my husband daily after 62 years of marriage and 78 years of knowing him. The loneliness is increasingly filled with family and friends, however, we can’t sit back and “hope” they will fill the void. Relationships go two ways. Bottom line: none of it is easy but it is possible to have a fulfilling life until we are called to join our beloved!
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Marcia for sharing about the good feelings that come from being alone. Guilt tends follow those thoughts. It is very healthy to find and begin to appreciate being a “Me”. Those thoughts do not take away from missing someone. Blessings to you. Barbara
A widow at 84, now 86. First time I have ever lived alone. First had to admit I love the freedom and quietness of living along. Not easy to admit to myself or others as it might seem I am happy to be a widow. I am definitely not happy to be a widow – I miss my husband daily after 62 years of marriage and 78 years of knowing him. The loneliness is increasingly filled with family and friends, however, we can’t sit back and “hope” they will fill the void. Relationships go two ways. Bottom line: none of it is easy but it is possible to have a fulfilling life until we are called to join our beloved!
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Marcia for sharing about the good feelings that come from being alone. Guilt tends follow those thoughts. It is very healthy to find and begin to appreciate being a “Me”. Those thoughts do not take away from missing someone. Blessings to you. Barbara
Steve Lipponer
I never realized how much my Dad filled my life. Right before he passed, my wife asked me if I was going to be okay after Dad passed. I said of course – I have been preparing him and me for this. I was so unprepared for his death – I never realized how big a part my care played in his and my life. It takes time to get used to and we can never truly be prepared for when a loved one departs.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Steve, you are so right, we are never “prepared”. I don’t think we can truly comprehend what living without our special person will be like. Blessings to you. Barbara
I never realized how much my Dad filled my life. Right before he passed, my wife asked me if I was going to be okay after Dad passed. I said of course – I have been preparing him and me for this. I was so unprepared for his death – I never realized how big a part my care played in his and my life. It takes time to get used to and we can never truly be prepared for when a loved one departs.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Steve, you are so right, we are never “prepared”. I don’t think we can truly comprehend what living without our special person will be like. Blessings to you. Barbara
Liz
How true your words are.
I HAD to return to work. So that fills the weekdays. I also had to move to seniors apartments.
There is a mix of reasons why we are living here, but aloneness is the common thread for the majority.
My husband passed almost 7 months ago, so in a way, I am not settled in to
widowhood as much as others here.
I have a fee ideas that I want to incorporate- such as starting a community kitchen, getting a group of the not so popular together for a Sunday afternoon friendly card game.
I did get three of us together for a meet and card game last Sunday. That helped pass the afternoon.
As my kids are only about an hour away, we can get together, but they are back to busy lives now too.
Learning a new language or knitting while watching tv seems to be my evening escape.
It is different and at times the tears still fall, as I am sure they will for quite a time yet.
As with you, Barb, there was so much “we”, “I “ has to pop up it’s head and say remember when you used to like doing this?
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BK Books replied:
Hi Liz, I had wondered if being in a Senior Community would have advantages. Thought there would be more activities to join. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you as you learn to be a “me”. Barbara
How true your words are.
I HAD to return to work. So that fills the weekdays. I also had to move to seniors apartments.
There is a mix of reasons why we are living here, but aloneness is the common thread for the majority.
My husband passed almost 7 months ago, so in a way, I am not settled in to
widowhood as much as others here.
I have a fee ideas that I want to incorporate- such as starting a community kitchen, getting a group of the not so popular together for a Sunday afternoon friendly card game.
I did get three of us together for a meet and card game last Sunday. That helped pass the afternoon.
As my kids are only about an hour away, we can get together, but they are back to busy lives now too.
Learning a new language or knitting while watching tv seems to be my evening escape.
It is different and at times the tears still fall, as I am sure they will for quite a time yet.
As with you, Barb, there was so much “we”, “I “ has to pop up it’s head and say remember when you used to like doing this?
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Liz, I had wondered if being in a Senior Community would have advantages. Thought there would be more activities to join. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you as you learn to be a “me”. Barbara