Trying To Understand Grief

My husband died in January. My youngest daughter is 14 and really struggling with the grieving process. My Friend, I Care, put everything into perspective for her, simply and succinctly. It helped her understand the process better and understand her feelings, ALL of them, are normal and part of a process everyone goes through. 

I am touched by this email in that we just don’t understand grieving. How can we help our children when we don’t understand it ourselves? 

Grief is whole bunch of normal emotions rolled up into a package we call grieving. It isn’t new emotions. It is our emotions. It is how we have handled everything in our life so far only exaggerated, increased, more pronounced.

Grief is anger. I am angry that my loved one has died.

Grief is loneliness. I am lonely in that I have lost a part of my living relationship. I am lonely because I don’t have the energy to reach out to others, to make conversation, to feel, to interact.

Grief is sadness. I am so sad. I am overwhelmed with a sadness I have not felt before. 

Grief is wordless. I don’t have words to explain, words to tell how I feel.

Grief is confusion. What is happening? Why can’t I think? Why do I feel so heavy, so tired, so awful, so so so?

Grief is questions. How could this have happened? Why did this happen—to me? What do I do now? What do I do forever? How do I live without—?

Grief is selfish. I’m sad. I’m alone. I’m angry. I’m confused. Most of us have a belief system that says when a person is dead they are in a better place. Even with no afterlife belief death brings an end to suffering and pain SO our pain, our thoughts, our feelings are about us, our misery, our loss. 

Grief doesn’t go away. We learn to live with it. It becomes a part of who we are just as the person that has died is a part of who we are. 

The intensity of grief gradually fades. The sharp screaming voice of sadness gradually fades into a softer whisper. Events (holidays, family gathering) increase the volume of the whisper as does just a trip down memory lane or seeing a favorite food or smell, or picture—-all awaken the pain of loss we carry with us forever—-that is grief. 

What do we need to teach our children? Grieving is very much a part of living because everybody dies someday. Our job as parents is to give our children tools for living. Understanding grief is one of those tools—-a very important tool.

Something More... about Trying To Understand Grief 

You may order our grief booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience to help your family process your feelings. If you have questions or guilt feelings about how your loved one died your grief can become complicated. You may need to read our booklets, GONE FROM MY SIGHT, The Dying Process and THE ELEVENTH HOUR: A Caring Guideline for the Hours to Minutes Before Death.  Understanding the normal, natural dying process greatly helps the grief journey.


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Sammy Miller

Thank you for all that you do, these books have help me walk alongside my clients and provide a safe space for them to express their thoughts and feelings, while also helping them process their grief. I have recommended your books to over 10 clients, all of which have reported, they also ordered your books. Once again, thank you.


Hi K, am so sorry for the tragic death of your mother and the resulting family discord. To ease some of your feelings you might write your mother a letter. Put all the words you would say to her about her dying, even about your relationship and life, down on paper. Write everything you are thinking and feeling, tears and all. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release all the tension and let how well you live your live from this point forward be the tribute of your love for your mother.
My blessings to you and your family Barbara


Thank you for your continued work. You help. Lost my mother 3 years ago due to unbelievable neglect by my sister (a doctor!). Shattered the family; nearly killed me. I still grieve deeply and am not adjusting very much so far. Her horrible death haunts me. This is PTSD. Many experience a severe grief impact when forced to deal with circumstances out of one’s control. My mother did not deserve to waste away like she did, alone, in confusion and terror. I will forever feel her pain with my own…

Carl Laughead

Barbara’s 1st written page in “MY FRIEND, I CARE”, is the most poignant way to summarize Grief I’ve ever seen. I’m presently a 6 week widower, and am reaching for any and all directions I can for help with my grief. Barbara’s writings have been a blessing and major contribution to my needed help.


Hi Judy, You are so right, we carry our loved ones in our heart and talk with, or cry with them, or just be with them whenever and always.
Blessings! Barbara

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