My husband died in January. My youngest daughter is 14 and really struggling with the grieving process. My Friend, I Care, put everything into perspective for her, simply and succinctly. It helped her understand the process better and understand her feelings, ALL of them, are normal and part of a process everyone goes through.
I am touched by this email in that we just don’t understand grieving. How can we help our children when we don’t understand it ourselves?
Grief is whole bunch of normal emotions rolled up into a package we call grieving. It isn’t new emotions. It is our emotions. It is how we have handled everything in our life so far only exaggerated, increased, more pronounced.
Grief is anger. I am angry that my loved one has died.
Grief is loneliness. I am lonely in that I have lost a part of my living relationship. I am lonely because I don’t have the energy to reach out to others, to make conversation, to feel, to interact.
Grief is sadness. I am so sad. I am overwhelmed with a sadness I have not felt before.
Grief is wordless. I don’t have words to explain, words to tell how I feel.
Grief is confusion. What is happening? Why can’t I think? Why do I feel so heavy, so tired, so awful, so so so?
Grief is questions. How could this have happened? Why did this happen—to me? What do I do now? What do I do forever? How do I live without—?
Grief is selfish. I’m sad. I’m alone. I’m angry. I’m confused. Most of us have a belief system that says when a person is dead they are in a better place. Even with no afterlife belief death brings an end to suffering and pain SO our pain, our thoughts, our feelings are about us, our misery, our loss.
Grief doesn’t go away. We learn to live with it. It becomes a part of who we are just as the person that has died is a part of who we are.
The intensity of grief gradually fades. The sharp screaming voice of sadness gradually fades into a softer whisper. Events (holidays, family gathering) increase the volume of the whisper as does just a trip down memory lane or seeing a favorite food or smell, or picture—-all awaken the pain of loss we carry with us forever—-that is grief.
What do we need to teach our children? Grieving is very much a part of living because everybody dies someday. Our job as parents is to give our children tools for living. Understanding grief is one of those tools—-a very important tool.
Something More... about Trying To Understand Grief
You may order our grief booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience to help your family process your feelings. If you have questions or guilt feelings about how your loved one died your grief can become complicated. You may need to read our booklets, GONE FROM MY SIGHT, The Dying Process and THE ELEVENTH HOUR: A Caring Guideline for the Hours to Minutes Before Death. Understanding the normal, natural dying process greatly helps the grief journey.
9 comments
Sammy Miller
Thank you for all that you do, these books have help me walk alongside my clients and provide a safe space for them to express their thoughts and feelings, while also helping them process their grief. I have recommended your books to over 10 clients, all of which have reported, they also ordered your books. Once again, thank you.
Thank you for all that you do, these books have help me walk alongside my clients and provide a safe space for them to express their thoughts and feelings, while also helping them process their grief. I have recommended your books to over 10 clients, all of which have reported, they also ordered your books. Once again, thank you.
barbara
Hi K, am so sorry for the tragic death of your mother and the resulting family discord. To ease some of your feelings you might write your mother a letter. Put all the words you would say to her about her dying, even about your relationship and life, down on paper. Write everything you are thinking and feeling, tears and all. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release all the tension and let how well you live your live from this point forward be the tribute of your love for your mother.
My blessings to you and your family Barbara
Hi K, am so sorry for the tragic death of your mother and the resulting family discord. To ease some of your feelings you might write your mother a letter. Put all the words you would say to her about her dying, even about your relationship and life, down on paper. Write everything you are thinking and feeling, tears and all. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release all the tension and let how well you live your live from this point forward be the tribute of your love for your mother.
My blessings to you and your family Barbara
K, MSW
Thank you for your continued work. You help. Lost my mother 3 years ago due to unbelievable neglect by my sister (a doctor!). Shattered the family; nearly killed me. I still grieve deeply and am not adjusting very much so far. Her horrible death haunts me. This is PTSD. Many experience a severe grief impact when forced to deal with circumstances out of one’s control. My mother did not deserve to waste away like she did, alone, in confusion and terror. I will forever feel her pain with my own…
Thank you for your continued work. You help. Lost my mother 3 years ago due to unbelievable neglect by my sister (a doctor!). Shattered the family; nearly killed me. I still grieve deeply and am not adjusting very much so far. Her horrible death haunts me. This is PTSD. Many experience a severe grief impact when forced to deal with circumstances out of one’s control. My mother did not deserve to waste away like she did, alone, in confusion and terror. I will forever feel her pain with my own…
Carl Laughead
Barbara’s 1st written page in “MY FRIEND, I CARE”, is the most poignant way to summarize Grief I’ve ever seen. I’m presently a 6 week widower, and am reaching for any and all directions I can for help with my grief. Barbara’s writings have been a blessing and major contribution to my needed help.
Barbara’s 1st written page in “MY FRIEND, I CARE”, is the most poignant way to summarize Grief I’ve ever seen. I’m presently a 6 week widower, and am reaching for any and all directions I can for help with my grief. Barbara’s writings have been a blessing and major contribution to my needed help.
barbara
Hi Judy, You are so right, we carry our loved ones in our heart and talk with, or cry with them, or just be with them whenever and always.
Blessings! Barbara
Hi Judy, You are so right, we carry our loved ones in our heart and talk with, or cry with them, or just be with them whenever and always.
Blessings! Barbara
barbara
Hi Jan, thank you for sharing how you lived your grief. Blessings to you! Barbara
Hi Jan, thank you for sharing how you lived your grief. Blessings to you! Barbara
Jan Karel
For me, grief felt like intense sadness and pain, wrapped together with every single emotion I’d ever felt in my entire life—all at the same time. I thought it was terrible to be completely alone after I lost my husband, but it turned out to be a blessing. I didn’t have to be polite or “normal” because other people were around. I could express any emotion I was feeling whenever I felt like it. Or I could just sit and stare out the window if I wanted to. I think that helped me to start to work through the grief faster.
For me, grief felt like intense sadness and pain, wrapped together with every single emotion I’d ever felt in my entire life—all at the same time. I thought it was terrible to be completely alone after I lost my husband, but it turned out to be a blessing. I didn’t have to be polite or “normal” because other people were around. I could express any emotion I was feeling whenever I felt like it. Or I could just sit and stare out the window if I wanted to. I think that helped me to start to work through the grief faster.
Judy Brennan
What a great article, Barbara. When we were going through this time, I used gone From my Sight. Excellent resource. It took a long while to adjust to my sadness and grief for my daughter’s passing. It’s been almost 3 years now. Still miss her terribly and talk to her almost daily. It’s all an adjustment – a sad one. But I am getting through it. Thanks for being so wonderful.
What a great article, Barbara. When we were going through this time, I used gone From my Sight. Excellent resource. It took a long while to adjust to my sadness and grief for my daughter’s passing. It’s been almost 3 years now. Still miss her terribly and talk to her almost daily. It’s all an adjustment – a sad one. But I am getting through it. Thanks for being so wonderful.
C.W.
Ms.Karnes speaks truth about grieving.Lost my wife last year, I tell her don’t go too far ahead,I am right behind you
Ms.Karnes speaks truth about grieving.Lost my wife last year, I tell her don’t go too far ahead,I am right behind you