No matter who we are or what we do in life, at some point (some more frequently than others) we will be involved with someone who is dying.
This is life. We are born, we experience, and we die. We go through labor to arrive here, and we go through labor to leave here.
There are just two ways to die: gradual or fast. Fast dying is being alive one minute and dead the next. Fast death can come from a heart attack, a stroke, or what we call “an accident.” There is no preparation, very little warning — if any. Fast death is harder on us, the survivors, as we figure out how to process and live the reality of this sudden death. Grief has the added dimension of surprise, words not said, and disbelief.
Gradual death has a process. It doesn’t just happen like fast death. Gradual death occurs from an illness or simply being old. With gradual death, we, the person and those around us, know death is coming.
The tricky part is believing death is going to happen sooner rather than later.
Gradual death is really a gift, a gift to those who care about us. It is an opportunity to say goodbye, address life's unfinished business, to make amends.
However, as much of a gift as gradual death is to us, the survivors, for the person who is dying it is labor. It is the process the body goes through to leave. It is hard work. Picture a chick working to get out of its shell. We, too, work to release from the shell of our physical body. In addition to the work, pain, and indignities of the body shutting down, gradual death also brings the emotional anguish of knowing death is coming — fear, confusion, and sadness.
Fast death is harder on us, the survivors. There are so many "I wish I had," "Why didn't I?" and "If only..." moments. However, it is often easier on the person who dies. There is no anticipatory fear or prolonged decline. Life is over before we have time to think about it.
Death is part of life. But knowing that doesn't make the loss any easier. It will never feel okay when someone we know and love dies.
Something more...
If you're caring for someone who is dying, By Your Side, A Guide for Caring for the Dying at Home is here to guide you through what lies ahead—one step at a time.
Knowledge reduces fear. Understanding brings comfort.
