THE MOMENT OF DEATH

When my brother recently passed away, he seemed to quit breathing and then his eyes opened up. He appeared to look right at me, then his eyes scanned the room. I had his wife come over beside him and then his face grimaced for at least 15 seconds. I wanted to think that he realized what was happening and was seeing all of us who were there with him and that maybe he was grimacing because he wanted to continue to fight but could no longer. He battled stomach cancer for 3 1/2 years when given 6 months. Even in the end while he was in the hospital, I don’t think he truly believed he wouldn’t go home again. It was my first experience with death and a little scary so I would love your input especially because he didn’t seem to breathe after grimacing.
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BK Books replied:
Joanna, think of a woman giving birth, that final push to get the baby out—-grimaces, frowns, eyes roaming but not seeing. We go through labor to leave this world. There are the same struggles —grimances, eyes roaming, not really focusing or thinking. Your brother was just having that final push. Blessings to you and his wife. Barbara

For thoes who smiled we they devoted Christians? Does anyone know.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kim, there is no way to know the “why” of the smile. I don’t think religion plays into it. Fear, peace, resignation, dreams, yes. Religion not so much. Blessings! Barbara

When my father passed away from brain cancer I was 2 hours away. When I was able to get there, I was shocked to see his bro was furrowed, mouth closed and hands soft and warm. It gave me a feeling of him not really being dead. It still bothers me 8 years ater.
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BK Books replied:
Oh, Mellanie, most of us are totally unprepared for what dying and death looks like. Our only role models are the movies and TV and that is not how people die. You might write your dad a letter and tell him everything you would have liked to say had you gotten there before he died. Let the words and the tears flow then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life be the tribute of your love for him. Blessings! Barbara

My husband of 33 years passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. We talked very little about his passing but he mentioned a few times being a little scared. I told him when it was time , I would hold his hand the whole way and would not let go. He wold have to let go first. The time came and we were holding each others hand tight. He was pronounced dead by Hospice. I sat there a while still holding his hand but he never let go of my hand. A while later ( before rigor set in ) I found my self having to gently pry my hand from his. He didn’t let go. Why? This question has haunted me for 4 years. And has never been answered. My gut says he just didn’t want to let go of us. Others say he wanted to take me with him. I don’t think it is anything that profound, but.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Stacy, I don’t know why your husband’s hand held on so tight after he died but here is my guess: during his labor (hours before actual death) he held on to your hand because it was there for him to hold, more automatic than intentional. When he actually died, no bodily functions, his hand stayed in that position, even tight, because that is where it was (muscles contracted) when he took his last breath. I do not think there was any message being given. What is special is not that his hand was tight after he died but that you were able to be with him and hold his hand while he died, a beautiful gift. Blessings! Barbara

I was with my dear mother when she took her last breath at 00:16 on jan 1st this year. As described, she grimaced, took 2 more long gasps and then was no more. I found it very upsetting to watch, but this article has given me a new perspective. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Aaron, thank you for sharing your mother’s last moments with me. I’m glad this information brought you comfort. Blessings! Barbara

I would suggest that the the grimace is the body’s reaction to the departure of the life we truly are. Restin.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Restin, something to think about. Blessings! Barbara

My Mother just died a few hours ago in hospice. She was on morphine, mouth wide open and eyes just staring straight ahead, non-responsive. Breathing labored (she was in hospice for secretions due to stroke) but didn’t look in pain. She suddenly jerked a bit to the side with a grimace and clenched her teeth almost like she was either trying to stop a sneeze or having a bowel movement. Then she took two more breathes with long pauses between and died. We were with her. I’m glad to know she wasn’t in pain. Thank you a million for this blog.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Julie, What a good job your mom did. What you described is exactly how many people die. The facial grimace, the 2 or 3 long spaced out breaths is all the little chick working to get out of its shell. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara

John, your body is certainly giving you some challenges. I hope you have some support, good friends, hospice or an End of LIfe Doula as you go through this final act in living. If I can be of any guidance email me barbara@bkbooks.com. Blessings! Barbara

Great post, Barbara! I am a diabetic and recently lost my leg, kidneys are failing, and I can’t breathe too well anymore. It is comforting to read good blogs like yours. Thanks again :-)

Hi Kelly, I am glad reading this article has brought you some peace of mind. Blessings! Barbara

I was relieved to read this. I was at my mother’s side for 13 hours and we saw her breathing becoming more shallow and spaced out. I also witnessed this and have been bothered by it for 4 months.

Hi Nancy, thank you for sharing your experience. Many normal things occur as death comes but it is startling and often frightening if we don’t understand that what we are watching is the natural way death happens. My blessings to you. Barbara

This post brings me so much comfort. In 2009, I was with my Golden Retriever when he was put to sleep and a minute or so after the vet said he was gone, he gasped and I was horrified. Ten years later, I was alone with my 83 year old mom when she passed away after a battle with congestive heart failure. Her caregiver had the day off. She wasn’t feeling well and was having trouble breathing. I had just called the hospice nurse, who told me to put a sedative under her tongue to relax her until she could arrive. She was losing consciousness at that point and stopped breathing. About a minute after her chest stopped moving. Her face contorted and she seemed to inhale deeply three times and then she was gone. It broke my heart. I am so thankful to know that is not unusual. I’m sorry for anyone who has had to endure it.

Hi Marion, I do believe your Mum could hear you in the moments before she died. She heard you as if in a dream, from afar, but she could hear you. The “grimace” she made right before she died was very much how people die. I don’t think it meant she was in pain or even sad. It was that last push to get out of her body. Sounds like she did a good job. Blessings! Barbara

Hi Babara, i just lost my dear mum, she had terminal lung cancer and was very very sick the last weeks.
She was on a morphine pump fir the pain and didn’t wake for 2 days. I sat with her for 15 hours until the end and would tell her i loved her and that she was the most wonderful mum in the world. She took a couple of breathes at the end andmade a face like a grimace then another breath and grimace and she was gone.
I am so worried the face she made was because she was in pain or sadness, do you think she could hear me talking to her. I miss her so much already.

My uncle (mom’s older brother) passed away today. He was on a ventilator after suffering a stroke a week earlier. Everyone said that he had a very serene and peaceful expression on his face.

Hi Dawn, your father’s facial expression just before he died was what most people do. It is startling to us watchers if we don’t know ahead of time to expect it. I think it is that last minute push to get out of our body. Nothing bad was happening. Blessings! Barbara

When my dad died last month, he had been unconscious for a couple of days. My dads breathing was getting shallower and then all of a sudden his face filled with emotion as if he was going to burst into tears and then he was gone. In an instant. I can’t get his expression out of my mind. I wonder whether he really did feel emotional and was crying?

Hi Frieda, yes, your mum did exactly what most of us will do as we release from our body. That grimace, for lack of a better word, seems to be that final tug before we are free of our cumbersome body. My blessings are with you. Barbara

My mum passed away 4 days ago and i was stroking her head as she took her last breaths. She made a grimace like if you had your teeth clenched together but also try to open your lips wide (as if your teeth were not clenched). Two shallow breaths and she was gone. I have been trying to find something to explain her facial expression, and finally I found this page. Thank you for making me feel better about the experience.

Hi Anita, in answer to your question of how your sister could have a grimace on her face when she was brain dead; that grimace is so normal, most people have it in their last moments. It was the final tug of life on the body, an involuntary tug in breaking free from a body that is no longer working. Sister’s at 46 are not suppose to die. I am so sorry for your loss.
Blessings! Barbara

My sister was brain dead and on life support. At the moment of death, she had a grimace come over her face. It was frightening. How could she do that with no brain activity?
It has been 2 years since she passed away. I miss her so much. She was only 46 when she passed away from influenza. So sad.

Hi Tara, from the description of your father’s dying moments he did exactly what he was suppose to do. He did a good job of getting out of his body. You did not describe anything that would suggest something was wrong. I know the facial grimace is disturbing to us watching but most people, just before they leave their body, have that facial expression. It’s almost like “No, I don’t want to leave” and then they let go. My thoughts and blessings are with you. Barbara

Exactly one month ago I had the blessing of being with my father in hospice as he passed away. As many have witnessed with their loved ones, my father’s face grimaced he took his last two or three breaths. He was also being given morphine for pain management and was in an unconscious, sleeping state, which seems to be a theme. I pray he was not feeling pain in his final moments and his expression was at least an involuntary movement. Comments posted are making me feel better.

Hi Lena, I am sorry for the loss of your sister. Having two sets of twin grandchildren I know of the connection that ties your souls. Even though your sister was non responsive, eyes open, barely breathing for those 8 hours you were with her I believe she was aware of your presence. She was experiencing those last hours as if from afar. She was in that state just before you wake up from a dream or just before you go to sleep when you can hear but you are just too tired to respond. You might write her a letter and put all your thoughts and tears on paper. Tell her about having her in your life, all those things you want her to know, positive and negative. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind knowing she will receive your love and message. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara

I lost my twin sister 2 and a half days ago on July 4th, from Lung Lymphoma Cancer. I was there When she took her last breath. My heart it shattered. I knew she was passing weeks ago because of the sleeping and other things as she was in hospice. I went to work for a little bit then planned on heading to see her afterwards. As I was headed to hospice I got the call that she was actively dying. When I got there about 8 hours before she passed it was like looking at her and she had already passed. Her eyes were not active, just open, mouth opened, and no movement. I thought is she still here with me? I don’t know? I pray she was until she took her last breath so she knows I was there with her. Just like the we were born.

Hi George, the description of your mother’s last moments is exactly what I see so often. Most people have a grimace on their face, a few a smile, but most a grimace just before they die. I don’t know why but to me it is like that last push, that last effort to free themselves from the body. Nothing bad was happening. This facial expression is very natural.
My blessings to you. Barbara

Dear
Merrie Jane – MARCH 01 2019
I too experienced incredibly horrific facial expressions at my sister’s passing. She had been unconscious for a couple of days and morphine medicated. I believe that she could hear me as I asked her to smile and she was able to bear her teeth. I had asked her to squeeze my hand but she was not able to do so. After the facial contortions had finished (about 45 seconds) her face returned to a peaceful state. It is comforting that someone else has experienced this phenomenon. We don’t move on, but we move forward.
Regards

Hi Merri, watching our loved one at the moment of death can be upsetting when we don’t know what to expect. From what you have described of your mother’s last moments she did nothing unusual. Many, many people have a facial grimace as they leave their body. I think it is a momentary ambivalence, “I don’t want to go and leave those I love”—not pain, not fear but I really don’t want to go. About her hearing your fears: a person in the hours to minutes before death is the little chick working to get out of tit’s shell. How they hear and observe what is happening around them is as from afar. Listening to what is being said is not their focus. Their mind is like a dream. You might write your mother a letter now and tell her your thoughts, fears and concerns. Tell her all that you are carrying in your heart, including the tears. The burn the letter and release the ashes to the wind. Mom will get your letter. My blessings are with you. Barbara

My mom passed away at 71 yrs old she is dearly missed …. she had so much more to live for yet was taken too soon …. she made a horrible facial grimace showing her teeth at all it was heartbreaking for me to witness but I believed she heard us sobbing at the moment she took her last whisper and she left us that instant and felt our sadness this is what I believed and it continues to haunt me that we should of been more careful with our fears and maybe she could hear us and was sad that she left us cuz she didn’t want to die and we knew how much she loved us …. so I’m torn with did she hear our pain at that very moment or was it her sole leaving her body … I don’t understand I’m a nurse and I have never seen anyone be unconscious for 2 days with no facial expressions at all then at last breath she makes a facial grimace like that it scared me I felt that she was sad cuz of hearing us sob with emotion

Hi Eileen, I am sorry for the lost of your husband. 47 years is a major part of your life, not easily filled. Yes, the grimace is part of the body letting go and not an indication of pain. You might find my booklet My Friend, I Care helpful as you navigate your path of grief. My thoughts and blessings are with you. Barbara

I watched my husband slip away after 4 1/2 of colon cancer. He did grimace, it has haunted me. I thought he was in pain. He died 2weeks ago. Thank you for letting me know he was in no pain. Miss him dearly, married 47 years.

I thank you for writing this blog. Very comforting and assuring for someone who has lost a parent two weeks ago

My Granny Passed last night from Alzheimer’s/Dementia and she Smiled.

Hi Judith, from what you described your mom’s grimace before she died was very natural and what most people do as they are leaving their body. I do not believe she was in pain, just doing what we do as we release from this world. Blessings! Barbara

My mom just died two days ago, before she passed she made a grimace which haunted me until I read your blog. I hoped she wasn’t in pain as she was given morphine, that she is now with my dad and other loved ones in heaven.

I recently lost my mother. At one point she looked up at me, we maintained eye contact. She then exhaled 2 times, then turned away I believe I shared my mother’s moment of death, her final breaths.

Yes indeed! Thank you so much!

This was very comforting and beautifully staged. Thank you.