Dear Barbara, I would like to know why the breathing pattern is different at
end of life. My Mother had fast and labored respirations. She did have
COPD, but my Dad had the same breathing pattern and he did not die from
COPD. This was very disturbing to me. Are they suffering when breathing
like that?
The irregular, difficult breathing that occurs at end of life frightens most
people. As we watch we feel something bad is happening. Our loved one is
hurting, struggling, suffering, and of course this is disturbing to us.
In the hours to minutes, sometimes even days, before death, a person’s
breathing changes. First it becomes fast, often with congestion, and then
gradually the breaths becomes slower and slower. As breathing slows (ten
times, or even six times, a minute) the person actually breaths like a fish,
with their mouth opening and closing. This can be frightening if you don’t
know that it’s normal.
The congestion that occurs before death will depend upon how hydrated or
dehydrated a person is. The more fluids in their body, the more congestion.
Sometimes changing their position (laying them on their side) will help to
redistribute the fluid, and the breathing will sound quieter. Suctioning the
fluid generally does not eliminate it. The bottom line is that congestion and
difficult breathing are a part of the normal dying process.
Is the person suffering? I think not, although it appears that they are. By the
time they are hours from death their awareness of what is going on around
them and of their body has diminished. What I envision is the little chick
working hard to get out of its shell. In the hours before death from disease
our body is shutting down. It is laboring to release itself from this planet. It
is a struggle, just as the chick is struggling, but I don’t think either the
person or the chick are suffering.
Something more about Laboring to Leave:
Difficult breathing during the natural dying process is only one of the many changes that we will witness when a person is dying. It's comforting to know what to expect during that process. Gone From My Sight (The Little Blue Book) is a "road map" of what will occur during the dying process. The Eleventh Hour is the companion book and is more specific about the changes in the last days, hours, minutes, seconds and just after death. These two books, along with your nursing staff, will provide knowledge so that you can better support the one who is laboring to leave.
27 comments
P Haines
My husband’s breathing was heavy and fast for about 4hrs and then seem to slip to the upper abdomen for about 2hrs before passing, he had palliative care,,yes I feel the same guilt he had midazolam and glycopyrronium ..and never open his again.
———
BK Books replied:
It’s difficult to watch the labor to leave this world. Blessings to you. Barbara
My husband’s breathing was heavy and fast for about 4hrs and then seem to slip to the upper abdomen for about 2hrs before passing, he had palliative care,,yes I feel the same guilt he had midazolam and glycopyrronium ..and never open his again.
———
BK Books replied:
It’s difficult to watch the labor to leave this world. Blessings to you. Barbara
Karin
My mother also had that very fast and loud breathing without any pauses. It was so stressful and hard to witness, and she was totally awake and alert for the whole time.
It continued for 9 hours, beginning around 7 pm and continued until she passed away at 4.45 am.
She passed two hours after been given the second shot of morphine and sedatives( named Stesolid in my country). It was too little time between the shots.
It was my fault, I panicked 30 min after the first one. I thought my mom’ breathing should have been slowing down after the first. Maybe it took the edge off the loudness, but the breathing frequency was still the same, about 50 breaths/min, or more..
I was desperate to help her, so I called the nurse and asked if she could have a little more.
Much later on I read that breathing fast is not necessarily a sign of pain. I thought she was in such distress.
I think it was me who was in pain and I wish the nurse would have explained to me why she was breahing that way, but she didn’t say a thing.
My mother lived in a nursinghome for 15 years, paralysed from multiple strokes.
Forgiving oneself is hard. I saw my mother trying to tell me no with her eyes when she understood that she was going to get a second shot of morphine, and when the needle was about to touch the skin of her belly, she tried to withdraw, my paralysed mother..
I noticed all of this, but I couldn’t stop the nurse from continuing with what she was doing.
I still can’t understand why. Maybe because my mom had given me that look before, for example when I tried to feed her and she didn’t want it, or when we were going to get a feeding tube for her…
Or maybe I was so dedicated to trying to calm my mother down. I was trying to rescue her from death, I thought that hard breathing would make her heart stop.
But in trying to rescue, to fix things, it turned out I did the opposite:(
We had been by her side for days, but one morning we asked the nurse and doctor if there wasn’t one small chance she could live on ( I know this sounds crazy), but she seemed just like she used to, except that the breathing sometimes was strange.
They agreed! Later on admitting that they knew there wasn’t a chance, but they said there might be-they lire, for our sake!! This is what I think brought us into this emotional whiplash the last night. First she was dying, and then she wasn’t..we were so confused.
My brother had gone home during that day, hopeful, and I went to bed an hour before she passed, thinking she could rest( after the morphine) and we would meet tomorrow, a person from the staff went sit with her. My God, we were in such denial! She had been ill for 25 years and we had gone through so many crisis..
But what really hurts me us that we didn’t say goodbye. We told her how much we loved her all the time, but this not having a farewell has destroyed my life, I hasten my mother’s death and I went to bed:(
When I truly began to understand what has really happened, about 6 months later, I totally fell into pieces and I tried to communicate with the nursing home, and also asked for my mom’s medical journal.Begging them for an explanation.
But when I read it, it turned out they had changed the the times of when the shots were given, so it appeared as though it wasn’t because of the morphine that she died that night.
Sorry for this long post. It’s been 9 years now and from time to time I fall into this deep black hole blaming myself for my mother’s death. I find it extremely hard and heavy to carry.
We were very close and I always tried to make her life better for her. It breaks my heart that it ended this way.
This post was actually to say to all of you who had dying parents with rapid breahings, you are not alone. And to ask you, Barbara, is it common that people die in this kind of breahing, or does it always transform into Cheyne-Stokes and slow respirations begore they pass? I wonder how much longer my mom would have stayed in that awake state with that breathing?
One question always remains: How do you forgive yourself?
———
BK Books replied:
HI Karin, we’ve corresponded about your mom before and the guilt you are carrying. Nine years is a long time to not forgive yourself. I know you wrote her a letter and that it didn’t do much to ease the anguish you feel. You might try another letter and this time write her about the guilt you feel in letting her die. "Mom, I’m so sorry. I wish I had done things differently. This is not how I wanted you to die. I didn’t want you to die EVER. I will always want you with me. I feel your death is my fault. I’m sorry I let you die " Karin, from what you have told me I believe your mother’s death was no one’s fault, certainly not yours. Her body, after all the years of illness, couldn’t continue and she died. No one’s fault, not yours, not the nursing home. If anyone is at fault it is the physician who was not honest with you about how close to death your mother was. No matter how much anyone tells you it isn’t your fault it will have no effect as long as you believe it was your fault. Since that is what you believe, ask her for forgiveness. As a mother she will forgive you. From the sounds of her last years she was probably grateful to be free of the heavy, cumbersome body that no longer worked for her. To answer your breathing question, depending upon the disease or body condition in old age breathing at end of life comes in many forms. It can be fast, it can be slow, it can be loud, it can be gaspy, it can be silent, it can be congested; none of it normal for everyday living, all of it normal for dying. Blessing! Barbara PS: Karin I am going to edit your letter to me and write a blog. You are not alone in the feelings of guilt you carry. From our previous correspondence I know you want to help others. If it is not okay, drop me a line and I won’t write it.
My mother also had that very fast and loud breathing without any pauses. It was so stressful and hard to witness, and she was totally awake and alert for the whole time.
It continued for 9 hours, beginning around 7 pm and continued until she passed away at 4.45 am.
She passed two hours after been given the second shot of morphine and sedatives( named Stesolid in my country). It was too little time between the shots.
It was my fault, I panicked 30 min after the first one. I thought my mom’ breathing should have been slowing down after the first. Maybe it took the edge off the loudness, but the breathing frequency was still the same, about 50 breaths/min, or more..
I was desperate to help her, so I called the nurse and asked if she could have a little more.
Much later on I read that breathing fast is not necessarily a sign of pain. I thought she was in such distress.
I think it was me who was in pain and I wish the nurse would have explained to me why she was breahing that way, but she didn’t say a thing.
My mother lived in a nursinghome for 15 years, paralysed from multiple strokes.
Forgiving oneself is hard. I saw my mother trying to tell me no with her eyes when she understood that she was going to get a second shot of morphine, and when the needle was about to touch the skin of her belly, she tried to withdraw, my paralysed mother..
I noticed all of this, but I couldn’t stop the nurse from continuing with what she was doing.
I still can’t understand why. Maybe because my mom had given me that look before, for example when I tried to feed her and she didn’t want it, or when we were going to get a feeding tube for her…
Or maybe I was so dedicated to trying to calm my mother down. I was trying to rescue her from death, I thought that hard breathing would make her heart stop.
But in trying to rescue, to fix things, it turned out I did the opposite:(
We had been by her side for days, but one morning we asked the nurse and doctor if there wasn’t one small chance she could live on ( I know this sounds crazy), but she seemed just like she used to, except that the breathing sometimes was strange.
They agreed! Later on admitting that they knew there wasn’t a chance, but they said there might be-they lire, for our sake!! This is what I think brought us into this emotional whiplash the last night. First she was dying, and then she wasn’t..we were so confused.
My brother had gone home during that day, hopeful, and I went to bed an hour before she passed, thinking she could rest( after the morphine) and we would meet tomorrow, a person from the staff went sit with her. My God, we were in such denial! She had been ill for 25 years and we had gone through so many crisis..
But what really hurts me us that we didn’t say goodbye. We told her how much we loved her all the time, but this not having a farewell has destroyed my life, I hasten my mother’s death and I went to bed:(
When I truly began to understand what has really happened, about 6 months later, I totally fell into pieces and I tried to communicate with the nursing home, and also asked for my mom’s medical journal.Begging them for an explanation.
But when I read it, it turned out they had changed the the times of when the shots were given, so it appeared as though it wasn’t because of the morphine that she died that night.
Sorry for this long post. It’s been 9 years now and from time to time I fall into this deep black hole blaming myself for my mother’s death. I find it extremely hard and heavy to carry.
We were very close and I always tried to make her life better for her. It breaks my heart that it ended this way.
This post was actually to say to all of you who had dying parents with rapid breahings, you are not alone. And to ask you, Barbara, is it common that people die in this kind of breahing, or does it always transform into Cheyne-Stokes and slow respirations begore they pass? I wonder how much longer my mom would have stayed in that awake state with that breathing?
One question always remains: How do you forgive yourself?
———
BK Books replied:
HI Karin, we’ve corresponded about your mom before and the guilt you are carrying. Nine years is a long time to not forgive yourself. I know you wrote her a letter and that it didn’t do much to ease the anguish you feel. You might try another letter and this time write her about the guilt you feel in letting her die. "Mom, I’m so sorry. I wish I had done things differently. This is not how I wanted you to die. I didn’t want you to die EVER. I will always want you with me. I feel your death is my fault. I’m sorry I let you die " Karin, from what you have told me I believe your mother’s death was no one’s fault, certainly not yours. Her body, after all the years of illness, couldn’t continue and she died. No one’s fault, not yours, not the nursing home. If anyone is at fault it is the physician who was not honest with you about how close to death your mother was. No matter how much anyone tells you it isn’t your fault it will have no effect as long as you believe it was your fault. Since that is what you believe, ask her for forgiveness. As a mother she will forgive you. From the sounds of her last years she was probably grateful to be free of the heavy, cumbersome body that no longer worked for her. To answer your breathing question, depending upon the disease or body condition in old age breathing at end of life comes in many forms. It can be fast, it can be slow, it can be loud, it can be gaspy, it can be silent, it can be congested; none of it normal for everyday living, all of it normal for dying. Blessing! Barbara PS: Karin I am going to edit your letter to me and write a blog. You are not alone in the feelings of guilt you carry. From our previous correspondence I know you want to help others. If it is not okay, drop me a line and I won’t write it.
Luna
In reading so many examples of labored breathing and rapid heart beats, so difficult to witness in the final hours/moments (and having witnessed it myself when my father recently died) it truly seemed as if the soul situated in the heart was trying to push out of the body to make its way to heaven. How an aging human body can tolerate the process and not explode is beyond me.
———
BK Books replied:
Luna, yes, it is hard work to get out of the body, hard for us to watch as well. My blessings to you. Barbara
In reading so many examples of labored breathing and rapid heart beats, so difficult to witness in the final hours/moments (and having witnessed it myself when my father recently died) it truly seemed as if the soul situated in the heart was trying to push out of the body to make its way to heaven. How an aging human body can tolerate the process and not explode is beyond me.
———
BK Books replied:
Luna, yes, it is hard work to get out of the body, hard for us to watch as well. My blessings to you. Barbara
DJ
My mum died last year from cancer and I am still haunted by her death. Like Linda’s mother, she was breathing very fast and heavily, as if she had just finished a sprint race, so much so that her head and neck were lifting off the bed with each gasping breath. This went on for a couple of hours I think. I’ve tried to blank it but I can’t. We stopped her fluids and now I wonder if we dehydrated her to death. Was it painful? Who knows. It certainly didn’t look peaceful. She breathed like that until one breath just stopped, which I assume was a heart attack and then she was suddenly gone. I can’t move on until I know if this was a horrible way to go or not.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi DJ, it is so hard watching someone we love when they are in the labor to release from their physical body. When they are that little chick working to get out of the shell we call a body. It’s hard work. I do not believe your Mum being dehydrated was causing her struggle. You asked if “it was painful”? In the hours before death the struggle looks painful. I believe the person is so removed from their physical body, so much has already shut down, that they are not experiencing their body and what it is doing in the same manner they would if they were not dying. I believe the person can hear but as if from afar, distant sounds. DJ, write your mum a letter. Put all your thoughts and concerns about your relationship and those last hours down on paper. Let the tears flow as you tell her everything you’ve wanted to say and are thinking and feeling. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. As you watch the ashes scatter know your mum is free of these earthly bounds and she would want you to be free of the memory of her labor to leave this world. Let go of that memory and hold on to the love that bound the two of you. Blessings! Barbara
My mum died last year from cancer and I am still haunted by her death. Like Linda’s mother, she was breathing very fast and heavily, as if she had just finished a sprint race, so much so that her head and neck were lifting off the bed with each gasping breath. This went on for a couple of hours I think. I’ve tried to blank it but I can’t. We stopped her fluids and now I wonder if we dehydrated her to death. Was it painful? Who knows. It certainly didn’t look peaceful. She breathed like that until one breath just stopped, which I assume was a heart attack and then she was suddenly gone. I can’t move on until I know if this was a horrible way to go or not.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi DJ, it is so hard watching someone we love when they are in the labor to release from their physical body. When they are that little chick working to get out of the shell we call a body. It’s hard work. I do not believe your Mum being dehydrated was causing her struggle. You asked if “it was painful”? In the hours before death the struggle looks painful. I believe the person is so removed from their physical body, so much has already shut down, that they are not experiencing their body and what it is doing in the same manner they would if they were not dying. I believe the person can hear but as if from afar, distant sounds. DJ, write your mum a letter. Put all your thoughts and concerns about your relationship and those last hours down on paper. Let the tears flow as you tell her everything you’ve wanted to say and are thinking and feeling. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. As you watch the ashes scatter know your mum is free of these earthly bounds and she would want you to be free of the memory of her labor to leave this world. Let go of that memory and hold on to the love that bound the two of you. Blessings! Barbara
Lori
Just so Linda (comment 11/25/20) knows she is not alone, my dad did that same horrible very rapid breathing for over 48 hours. He was on his side, holding the rail for the entire time. The nurses gave him many doses of morphine, all to no avail. It was extremely painful to watch, but we were told with all the morphine administered he was not in pain. He really struggled to leave this body.
Just so Linda (comment 11/25/20) knows she is not alone, my dad did that same horrible very rapid breathing for over 48 hours. He was on his side, holding the rail for the entire time. The nurses gave him many doses of morphine, all to no avail. It was extremely painful to watch, but we were told with all the morphine administered he was not in pain. He really struggled to leave this body.
barbara
Hi Linda, in reference to your mother’s rapid breathing and was it normal as death approaches. Yes, rapid breathing can be part of the dying pattern. Just know that nothing works right. The body is shutting down and chaos sets in. It’s like all body parts are trying to work in whatever way they can but all unsuccessfully. A small dose of morphine can ease the rapid breathing but often times doesn’t. You watched the struggle for life to continue in a body that could no longer maintain itself. Watching that struggle is so hard for us the watchers. Based on your description of your mother’s actions I do not think her rapid breathing was a signal of physical pain.
Blessings! Barbara
Hi Linda, in reference to your mother’s rapid breathing and was it normal as death approaches. Yes, rapid breathing can be part of the dying pattern. Just know that nothing works right. The body is shutting down and chaos sets in. It’s like all body parts are trying to work in whatever way they can but all unsuccessfully. A small dose of morphine can ease the rapid breathing but often times doesn’t. You watched the struggle for life to continue in a body that could no longer maintain itself. Watching that struggle is so hard for us the watchers. Based on your description of your mother’s actions I do not think her rapid breathing was a signal of physical pain.
Blessings! Barbara
Linda
My mother passed away last week. She suffered from dementia for several years. For at least three hours prior to her death she was breathing very hard, loud and fast! No clue how she was able to do that for so long, I tried to mimick her breathing pattern myself and could only tolerate it for a couple of minutes before becoming really uncomfortable. She was incoherent at this time. Morphone was given but it did not calm her freight train like breathing pattern.
it was very disturbing to watch her go through that. I keep reading about the irregular, stop start type breathing before death but I cant find anything about rapid , panting type breathing. Is this a normal breathing pattern prior to dying or was she in severe pain?
My mother passed away last week. She suffered from dementia for several years. For at least three hours prior to her death she was breathing very hard, loud and fast! No clue how she was able to do that for so long, I tried to mimick her breathing pattern myself and could only tolerate it for a couple of minutes before becoming really uncomfortable. She was incoherent at this time. Morphone was given but it did not calm her freight train like breathing pattern.
it was very disturbing to watch her go through that. I keep reading about the irregular, stop start type breathing before death but I cant find anything about rapid , panting type breathing. Is this a normal breathing pattern prior to dying or was she in severe pain?
barbara
Hi Lisa, in response to your telling me about your mother’s dying moments and what happened—from your description your mom did what so many do in the last hours to minutes before they leave their bodies. So many people have a frown, grimace even a silent scream. Why do I think that is? We work very hard to get out of our bodies. It is labor. It is the chick working to get out of its shell. It has nothing to do with what is going on around them or anything to do with the relationships they are leaving. It is all about the labor to leave their bodies. It doesn’t sound like she had a seizure. Restlessness and aimless movements are also part of labor. It does not sound like anything abnormal or even unusual was happening in those last hours of your mother’s life. I hope this eases some of the uncertainty you are carrying. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Hi Lisa, in response to your telling me about your mother’s dying moments and what happened—from your description your mom did what so many do in the last hours to minutes before they leave their bodies. So many people have a frown, grimace even a silent scream. Why do I think that is? We work very hard to get out of our bodies. It is labor. It is the chick working to get out of its shell. It has nothing to do with what is going on around them or anything to do with the relationships they are leaving. It is all about the labor to leave their bodies. It doesn’t sound like she had a seizure. Restlessness and aimless movements are also part of labor. It does not sound like anything abnormal or even unusual was happening in those last hours of your mother’s life. I hope this eases some of the uncertainty you are carrying. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Lisa Bonomolo
My mom passed 2 months ago today. She had lung cancer 7 years ago received treatment and getting a lung scan every year she seemed out of the woods. In Spring 2018 she started losing weight was crying and was scared her cancer returned. All tests showed no sign of cancer, the doctors diagnosed anxiety and depression and put her on medication. She did not improve and November 2019 had 2 liters of fluid in her lungs which they removed and found cancer cells. At this point she said if I have 6 months to live I don’t want to know. In January 2020 her pet scan and brain MRI showed cancer in bones, lung, liver and brain, doctor gave her 6 months. During this time she became weaker and weaker sleeping all the time. I took care of her and the day she passed still haunts me. She woke at 6:30 am and I told her she could go back to sleep which she was happy to hear. I told her I loved her and she said I love you too. About 45 minutes later I noticed her moving a lot when I went in her room the sheet was off and she had slid off pillow on her back. I lifted her bed positioned her to be comfortable and she said, Lisa I’m sick…I didn’t get a chance to ask her what she felt because suddenly her eyes widened her mouth was puffing air in and out. Her face was so frightening almost a possessed look then just stayed with a calm look eyes closed. I gave her oxygen and she remained like that for an hour and passed. I just keep wondering what happened to her face, a seizure? What did she feel? Thank you
My mom passed 2 months ago today. She had lung cancer 7 years ago received treatment and getting a lung scan every year she seemed out of the woods. In Spring 2018 she started losing weight was crying and was scared her cancer returned. All tests showed no sign of cancer, the doctors diagnosed anxiety and depression and put her on medication. She did not improve and November 2019 had 2 liters of fluid in her lungs which they removed and found cancer cells. At this point she said if I have 6 months to live I don’t want to know. In January 2020 her pet scan and brain MRI showed cancer in bones, lung, liver and brain, doctor gave her 6 months. During this time she became weaker and weaker sleeping all the time. I took care of her and the day she passed still haunts me. She woke at 6:30 am and I told her she could go back to sleep which she was happy to hear. I told her I loved her and she said I love you too. About 45 minutes later I noticed her moving a lot when I went in her room the sheet was off and she had slid off pillow on her back. I lifted her bed positioned her to be comfortable and she said, Lisa I’m sick…I didn’t get a chance to ask her what she felt because suddenly her eyes widened her mouth was puffing air in and out. Her face was so frightening almost a possessed look then just stayed with a calm look eyes closed. I gave her oxygen and she remained like that for an hour and passed. I just keep wondering what happened to her face, a seizure? What did she feel? Thank you
barbara
Hi Julia, About the last few hours before your mum’s death; I know it was hard to watch ( I’m sorry the nurse didn’t explain to you what was happening) but what you saw was your mum working to get out of her body. Think of how hard a little chick works to get out of it’s shell, that was the kind of work your mum was doing, working to get out of her shell of a body. Even the facial expression just before she left, (once in a rare while I have seen a smile but most often it is a grimaced frown) was very much a part of how we leave our bodies. From what you have described nothing bad or pathological was happening. Your mum did a good job of getting out of her body. My blessings to you. Barbara
Hi Julia, About the last few hours before your mum’s death; I know it was hard to watch ( I’m sorry the nurse didn’t explain to you what was happening) but what you saw was your mum working to get out of her body. Think of how hard a little chick works to get out of it’s shell, that was the kind of work your mum was doing, working to get out of her shell of a body. Even the facial expression just before she left, (once in a rare while I have seen a smile but most often it is a grimaced frown) was very much a part of how we leave our bodies. From what you have described nothing bad or pathological was happening. Your mum did a good job of getting out of her body. My blessings to you. Barbara
Julia Preston
My mum passed away last week had terminal lung cancer, her last hour I think will haunt me forever. I had all the support from district nurses and mum had a syringe driver in place and She seemed to be pain free and comfortable . However before she passed mum spent and hour struggling to cough as she seemed to have lots of fluid build up on her chest but couldn’t cough it up then was gasping and struggling for breath and just before she passed she tried to breath in twice but it was as if she was underwater and drowned! Her face went all distorted and she was gone. I just can’t get this out of my head my head and wonder if I could have done anything else apart from keep talking to her and trying to keep her calm. The nurse was present and didn’t appear to be alarmed by what was happening but I just can’t get my head around it all? I keep wondering did she suffer was she. In pain? Why could she have gone peacefully is there anything I could have done differently? I have worked in care for over 18 years and never dealt with anything like this before?
My mum passed away last week had terminal lung cancer, her last hour I think will haunt me forever. I had all the support from district nurses and mum had a syringe driver in place and She seemed to be pain free and comfortable . However before she passed mum spent and hour struggling to cough as she seemed to have lots of fluid build up on her chest but couldn’t cough it up then was gasping and struggling for breath and just before she passed she tried to breath in twice but it was as if she was underwater and drowned! Her face went all distorted and she was gone. I just can’t get this out of my head my head and wonder if I could have done anything else apart from keep talking to her and trying to keep her calm. The nurse was present and didn’t appear to be alarmed by what was happening but I just can’t get my head around it all? I keep wondering did she suffer was she. In pain? Why could she have gone peacefully is there anything I could have done differently? I have worked in care for over 18 years and never dealt with anything like this before?
barbara
Oh, Emily, you did nothing wrong. From what you described your mother was minutes to hours from death when you gave her the last dose of morphine. Her clenched teeth was just her body reaction, not that she didn’t want it or had any feelings about anything at that time. Her body was so shut down that the morphine didn’t even get into her blood stream that last dose. No need for guilt about her last minutes. You might think about writing your mother a letter. Put all your thoughts, concerns, and love on paper then burn the paper and release the ashes to the wind.
My blessings are with you! Barbara
Oh, Emily, you did nothing wrong. From what you described your mother was minutes to hours from death when you gave her the last dose of morphine. Her clenched teeth was just her body reaction, not that she didn’t want it or had any feelings about anything at that time. Her body was so shut down that the morphine didn’t even get into her blood stream that last dose. No need for guilt about her last minutes. You might think about writing your mother a letter. Put all your thoughts, concerns, and love on paper then burn the paper and release the ashes to the wind.
My blessings are with you! Barbara
Emily
My mom died recently. She had been struggling to breathe her last week and my sister had given her morphine in low doses of 0.25 mg once or twice a day.
I got to my mom for her last 36 hours. She was 99. The morning before she died she was moaning and occasionally coughing and the hospice nurse said I should give her morphine every 3 hours. So I did. 24 hours later she died. She went from fast, shallow, labored breathing to death in an instant. I had just turned my back to her.
I feel guilty, like I killed her. She never took any of the hospice meds until her last week. She told my sister she wanted medicine to help her breathe but she wasn’t able to tell me this because she was not arousable. So I had to hold her head with each dose of morphine and I felt she didn’t want it. She clenched her teeth when I tried to put the dose under her tongue.
Before the morphine doses she had mottled feet and cold hands and had stopped eating and drinking.
But I feel like I hastened her death and this is haunting me. She died so quickly and without effort, just one minute fast, labored breathing, the next she was gone.
She was old, 99, but I am haunted by the feeling I forced her to have morphine and so I hastened her death.
My mom died recently. She had been struggling to breathe her last week and my sister had given her morphine in low doses of 0.25 mg once or twice a day.
I got to my mom for her last 36 hours. She was 99. The morning before she died she was moaning and occasionally coughing and the hospice nurse said I should give her morphine every 3 hours. So I did. 24 hours later she died. She went from fast, shallow, labored breathing to death in an instant. I had just turned my back to her.
I feel guilty, like I killed her. She never took any of the hospice meds until her last week. She told my sister she wanted medicine to help her breathe but she wasn’t able to tell me this because she was not arousable. So I had to hold her head with each dose of morphine and I felt she didn’t want it. She clenched her teeth when I tried to put the dose under her tongue.
Before the morphine doses she had mottled feet and cold hands and had stopped eating and drinking.
But I feel like I hastened her death and this is haunting me. She died so quickly and without effort, just one minute fast, labored breathing, the next she was gone.
She was old, 99, but I am haunted by the feeling I forced her to have morphine and so I hastened her death.
Barbara
Hi Anna, Sometimes rapid breathing occurs before death, sometimes not. I am not sure why but both, slow and/or fast breathing, is part of the natural way the body dies. It is interesting that you noticed your dog died in a similar manner. Animals die the same way people do. It is just that most people don’t notice it. You might want to read my booklet on animals, A Pace In My Heart. You also asked if they feel pain? Dying is not painful. Disease causes pain. If the disease that the person or animal is dying from causes pain then we want to treat that pain until the last breath. There are a lot of diseases that people and animals die from that do not cause pain so just because death is approaching does not mean that pain will be present. As death approaches the person or animal is like in a dream state, everything seems like a dream. They hear but from afar. Their work is to get out of their body. Like a little chick works to get out of its shell so we work to get out of our body. For some it is harder work than for others. Would a fan or cool compress have helped? It probably would have made you feel like you were doing something helpful but I’m not sure it would have made a difference in either your father or you dog’s comfort. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Anna, Sometimes rapid breathing occurs before death, sometimes not. I am not sure why but both, slow and/or fast breathing, is part of the natural way the body dies. It is interesting that you noticed your dog died in a similar manner. Animals die the same way people do. It is just that most people don’t notice it. You might want to read my booklet on animals, A Pace In My Heart. You also asked if they feel pain? Dying is not painful. Disease causes pain. If the disease that the person or animal is dying from causes pain then we want to treat that pain until the last breath. There are a lot of diseases that people and animals die from that do not cause pain so just because death is approaching does not mean that pain will be present. As death approaches the person or animal is like in a dream state, everything seems like a dream. They hear but from afar. Their work is to get out of their body. Like a little chick works to get out of its shell so we work to get out of our body. For some it is harder work than for others. Would a fan or cool compress have helped? It probably would have made you feel like you were doing something helpful but I’m not sure it would have made a difference in either your father or you dog’s comfort. Blessings! Barbara
Anna Lee
My father sat with his mother as she died. Her breathing was very rapid (without pause) and then she stopped breathing, her body shook and she died. Same thing happened as I was sitting with my elderly dog. Towards the last few minutes of her precious life, her breathing was VERY rapid (without pause), then it slowed right down, before she took her final “agonal breath” and soon after her body shook a little, she passed some fecal matter and then as she died. What is troubling me and my father is the Very rapid breathing without pause. I keep wondering if I should have had the fan going, or used a cold compress or something. What does the Very rapid breathing (without pause) shortly before death mean? Why do some have very slow breathing right before death and others have very rapid breathing right before death? Do they feel pain? What is going on for them please? I hope they found comfort having loved ones near by. Would a fan or cold compress made any difference?
My father sat with his mother as she died. Her breathing was very rapid (without pause) and then she stopped breathing, her body shook and she died. Same thing happened as I was sitting with my elderly dog. Towards the last few minutes of her precious life, her breathing was VERY rapid (without pause), then it slowed right down, before she took her final “agonal breath” and soon after her body shook a little, she passed some fecal matter and then as she died. What is troubling me and my father is the Very rapid breathing without pause. I keep wondering if I should have had the fan going, or used a cold compress or something. What does the Very rapid breathing (without pause) shortly before death mean? Why do some have very slow breathing right before death and others have very rapid breathing right before death? Do they feel pain? What is going on for them please? I hope they found comfort having loved ones near by. Would a fan or cold compress made any difference?
Barbara
Hi Joanne, I am sorry you are having a hard time understanding you aunt’s last minutes of life. From what you described she did a good job of getting out of her body, nothing abnormal or pathological happened. Her eyes, her breathing, all the normal part of dying. I do believe she was at peace and nothing bad was happening as she died.
I am not versed in the bible and it’s teaching about dying, death and end of the world prophecies. What I do believe, from my many experiences with people as they die, is that our loved ones who have died before us come to help us get from this world to the next, that we do not die alone. I believe it is our own fears that tend to haunt us, make us uncomfortable, and create any negativity that might be present as we die, not God. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Hi Joanne, I am sorry you are having a hard time understanding you aunt’s last minutes of life. From what you described she did a good job of getting out of her body, nothing abnormal or pathological happened. Her eyes, her breathing, all the normal part of dying. I do believe she was at peace and nothing bad was happening as she died.
I am not versed in the bible and it’s teaching about dying, death and end of the world prophecies. What I do believe, from my many experiences with people as they die, is that our loved ones who have died before us come to help us get from this world to the next, that we do not die alone. I believe it is our own fears that tend to haunt us, make us uncomfortable, and create any negativity that might be present as we die, not God. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Joanne Popovski
My Aunt, (I was very close to her) passed away this past June… I have been grieving to no end in sight… I keep thinking while watching her trying to breathe, the patterns were very inconsistent which I hear is normal.. She had jaundice from breast to bone metastatic cancer… I can’t seem to let go of the fact that her hand was dropped at the side of her hospital bed and it looked swollen and very pale yellowish in color (after she had taken her last breath ) but before that final moment she turned her head to me on the side which I was standing with one of her eyes slightly opened.. it really upset me (so I gently closed it) I was watching her neck, and yes, it did remind of a fish gasping for air.. Our Susie then turned the other way and I could not see her face.. I keep praying that she was passing on over to Heaven (as like, when I was put to sleep in surgery).. Please help me try to believe she was at peace with her Angel, loved ones or most importantly our Lord Jesus Christ and He was lifting her away from her body.. gently and lovingly, carrying her up to Heaven.
I am a Christian and want to believe that she died peacefully, whatever that means.. (I have been put under for a few surgeries) in my life time.. and it was fine.. I woke up gradually hearing people faintly like they gradually spoke in and out… I never experienced any pain.. just a somehow blissful sleep…
I feel so guilty about my fear of the unknown. What about these near death experiences.. I have heard positive and negative things .. that it is the enemie’s (Satanic beings) and not really our loved ones who have passed? I know when the time comes for me to die is the true and only way when I will know.. What about my dreams, I wish I could speak to her and other loved ones and hear them too, speak and see them.. I also, fear what seems to me, another contradiction of " The dead no nothing until the Lord comes back to this planet" and it also freaks me out when I hear (first Christian will rise from their graves).. to me, that sounds like some kind of horror movie of Zombies which I was so petrified as a child and even now.. Wasn’t Christ buried in a tomb? Please help me to try and understand or make some kind of sense of this..
My Aunt, (I was very close to her) passed away this past June… I have been grieving to no end in sight… I keep thinking while watching her trying to breathe, the patterns were very inconsistent which I hear is normal.. She had jaundice from breast to bone metastatic cancer… I can’t seem to let go of the fact that her hand was dropped at the side of her hospital bed and it looked swollen and very pale yellowish in color (after she had taken her last breath ) but before that final moment she turned her head to me on the side which I was standing with one of her eyes slightly opened.. it really upset me (so I gently closed it) I was watching her neck, and yes, it did remind of a fish gasping for air.. Our Susie then turned the other way and I could not see her face.. I keep praying that she was passing on over to Heaven (as like, when I was put to sleep in surgery).. Please help me try to believe she was at peace with her Angel, loved ones or most importantly our Lord Jesus Christ and He was lifting her away from her body.. gently and lovingly, carrying her up to Heaven.
I am a Christian and want to believe that she died peacefully, whatever that means.. (I have been put under for a few surgeries) in my life time.. and it was fine.. I woke up gradually hearing people faintly like they gradually spoke in and out… I never experienced any pain.. just a somehow blissful sleep…
I feel so guilty about my fear of the unknown. What about these near death experiences.. I have heard positive and negative things .. that it is the enemie’s (Satanic beings) and not really our loved ones who have passed? I know when the time comes for me to die is the true and only way when I will know.. What about my dreams, I wish I could speak to her and other loved ones and hear them too, speak and see them.. I also, fear what seems to me, another contradiction of " The dead no nothing until the Lord comes back to this planet" and it also freaks me out when I hear (first Christian will rise from their graves).. to me, that sounds like some kind of horror movie of Zombies which I was so petrified as a child and even now.. Wasn’t Christ buried in a tomb? Please help me to try and understand or make some kind of sense of this..
Laura
Hi Barbara,
Thank you so much for your reply. Yesterday I purchased your 4 booklets (in English) on my Kindle. If only I could have read them before seeing my father die. You explain things so well. I feel that it helped me make “ the closure”. Some people doesn’t feel the need to know what happened but I did. Now most of my questions are answered and I know that he made a good job to find his path to death.
Your booklets should be available in hospital in France for friends and family. Understanding death help you to understand life a little bit more. Being there when my father passed away was a special moment. Hard to watch but i know that he felt our love . In your book you talk about how protective a dying person can be with the loved one.
The night my father was passing away we were there with my mother, my older sister, me (I’m 33) and my little sister (23).
One hour before he died my mother felt that she had to bring back my little sister home. Even though my father was unconscious she felt that he wanted her away. She said to my father “I bring back the little one. Wait for me I come back”.
She left for 1 hour. My father was breathing very fast and his heart was pumping. He was fighting very hard.
When she came back, 5 minutes later he decided to leave.
I think he didn’t want my little sister to be there for his final moment but he wanted his wife more than anything else.
Thank you again for your words and your books. It helps so much.
Take care.
Laura
Hi Barbara,
Thank you so much for your reply. Yesterday I purchased your 4 booklets (in English) on my Kindle. If only I could have read them before seeing my father die. You explain things so well. I feel that it helped me make “ the closure”. Some people doesn’t feel the need to know what happened but I did. Now most of my questions are answered and I know that he made a good job to find his path to death.
Your booklets should be available in hospital in France for friends and family. Understanding death help you to understand life a little bit more. Being there when my father passed away was a special moment. Hard to watch but i know that he felt our love . In your book you talk about how protective a dying person can be with the loved one.
The night my father was passing away we were there with my mother, my older sister, me (I’m 33) and my little sister (23).
One hour before he died my mother felt that she had to bring back my little sister home. Even though my father was unconscious she felt that he wanted her away. She said to my father “I bring back the little one. Wait for me I come back”.
She left for 1 hour. My father was breathing very fast and his heart was pumping. He was fighting very hard.
When she came back, 5 minutes later he decided to leave.
I think he didn’t want my little sister to be there for his final moment but he wanted his wife more than anything else.
Thank you again for your words and your books. It helps so much.
Take care.
Laura
Barbara
Hi Laura, about your father’s last moments, from what you describe he did a very good job of getting out of his body. Nothing abnormal or pathological happened. You described perfectly the way people die. Now to address your specific questions: the fish breathing, most people in the hours to minutes before death breathe just like a fish. You used the exact words I use to describe how a person breathes. There is often a facial expression change followed by a couple of long spaced out breaths—just what your dad did. What was he experiencing? I believe he could hear you and was slightly aware (even with dementia) of you being there but all was perceived as if from afar, like when you just wake up from a dream and aren’t fully awake. He could hear you and was aware, though dimly, of your love and the music. It is important to know that dying is not painful, disease causes pain. Dying just looks painful to us the watchers. Think of the little chick that works to get out of its shell. Your father was working to get out of his shell of a body. You might find my booklets Gone From My Sight (I have it in French) and The Eleventh Hour helpful in understanding those last few months, weeks, days and hours. My blessings are with you.
Hi Laura, about your father’s last moments, from what you describe he did a very good job of getting out of his body. Nothing abnormal or pathological happened. You described perfectly the way people die. Now to address your specific questions: the fish breathing, most people in the hours to minutes before death breathe just like a fish. You used the exact words I use to describe how a person breathes. There is often a facial expression change followed by a couple of long spaced out breaths—just what your dad did. What was he experiencing? I believe he could hear you and was slightly aware (even with dementia) of you being there but all was perceived as if from afar, like when you just wake up from a dream and aren’t fully awake. He could hear you and was aware, though dimly, of your love and the music. It is important to know that dying is not painful, disease causes pain. Dying just looks painful to us the watchers. Think of the little chick that works to get out of its shell. Your father was working to get out of his shell of a body. You might find my booklets Gone From My Sight (I have it in French) and The Eleventh Hour helpful in understanding those last few months, weeks, days and hours. My blessings are with you.
Laura
Hi Barbara. I came across your blog and what I read here helped me to understand better the process of dying but I still have some questions. I’m a French native speaker so I apologize if I make some grammatical mistakes.
My father died 4 months ago at the age of 65. He had been in a psychiatric hospital for 6 month. He suffered from vascular dementia and a very bad and irregular type 1 diabetes. His dementia made is diabetes go very low and sometimes so high that even the blood sugar reader couldn’t say how much sugar he had in his blood. Finally after a very serious hypoglycemia he caught a pneumonia that his body and his mind couldn’t fight anymore.
6 weeks after the beginning of his pneumonia his saturation / oxygen level suddenly dropped.
The medical team, in accordance with us, had the help of a palliative team few days before his death to give him confort. Oxygen through the nose and morphin patches.
They call us at 2 pm on Friday saying that he was living is final hours. He was already unconscious and didn’t move, blink of anything. He only had a rapid labored breathing that kept intensifying during the night. It was hard to watch but his facial expression didn’t move. We touched him. Talked to him. Played his favorite music. Dimmed the lights. At 3am55 on Saturday morning his chest suddenly dropped. He had 3 or 5 last exhalation with like 20-30 seconds in between. Like a fish looking for air. His eyes opened a little bit during these last breaths. Suddenly his skin turned white and everything stopped. We knew he was gone.
I wish we could have been more informed and prepared because I’m still having flashes of these final moments. The unit where he died wasn’t totally equipped to deal with dying people but they did their best.
I keep wondering : did he suffered during his last hours of agony ? The fact that he was already non conscious makes me think that in a way he was already part gone. Half between life and death.
What are the last “fish like” breathing ?
Air expelled from the lungs ?
I hope he heard that we we surrounded him with love.
We kept holding his hand. He was very warm. At the moment we both let his hands for a minute his chest collapsed.
His dementia has been very painful to watch and in a way we know that he his in a better place know.
Thank you in advance for your information.
Have a lovely day
Laura
Hi Barbara. I came across your blog and what I read here helped me to understand better the process of dying but I still have some questions. I’m a French native speaker so I apologize if I make some grammatical mistakes.
My father died 4 months ago at the age of 65. He had been in a psychiatric hospital for 6 month. He suffered from vascular dementia and a very bad and irregular type 1 diabetes. His dementia made is diabetes go very low and sometimes so high that even the blood sugar reader couldn’t say how much sugar he had in his blood. Finally after a very serious hypoglycemia he caught a pneumonia that his body and his mind couldn’t fight anymore.
6 weeks after the beginning of his pneumonia his saturation / oxygen level suddenly dropped.
The medical team, in accordance with us, had the help of a palliative team few days before his death to give him confort. Oxygen through the nose and morphin patches.
They call us at 2 pm on Friday saying that he was living is final hours. He was already unconscious and didn’t move, blink of anything. He only had a rapid labored breathing that kept intensifying during the night. It was hard to watch but his facial expression didn’t move. We touched him. Talked to him. Played his favorite music. Dimmed the lights. At 3am55 on Saturday morning his chest suddenly dropped. He had 3 or 5 last exhalation with like 20-30 seconds in between. Like a fish looking for air. His eyes opened a little bit during these last breaths. Suddenly his skin turned white and everything stopped. We knew he was gone.
I wish we could have been more informed and prepared because I’m still having flashes of these final moments. The unit where he died wasn’t totally equipped to deal with dying people but they did their best.
I keep wondering : did he suffered during his last hours of agony ? The fact that he was already non conscious makes me think that in a way he was already part gone. Half between life and death.
What are the last “fish like” breathing ?
Air expelled from the lungs ?
I hope he heard that we we surrounded him with love.
We kept holding his hand. He was very warm. At the moment we both let his hands for a minute his chest collapsed.
His dementia has been very painful to watch and in a way we know that he his in a better place know.
Thank you in advance for your information.
Have a lovely day
Laura
Barbara
Dear Mary, you are carrying so much guilt and pain. It is time to let go of it. From what you have written to me I don’t really have enough information to know if your mother had entered the dying process or not. I do know that most people in the hours and even sometimes days before their death will develop fluid in their lungs, and yes, the fluid takes the place of the oxygen that their lungs can process. Here is what I want you to think about. When a person is dying, hours, even days before their death it is not like in the movies where a person is alert, talking, aware and then suddenly dead. People dying from old age or illness (verses getting hit by a car or sudden, accidental death) go through a process, do certain things at certain times. They literally work to get out of their body. Think about the little chicken that works so hard to get out of it’s shell. People work to get out of their body. What does “work” look like? Their body functions begin shutting down so circulation isn’t normal anymore, their breathing changes, their pee and poop changes, they sleep with their eyes partially open, and they get fluid in their lungs——all that is how people die.
I have a booklet called Gone From My Sight. I think if you will read it you will find that your mom did some of these things before she died and you didn’t even notice. Not because you are an uncaring daughter but because you didn’t know to look for the signs. I don’t think your mom suffered during the evening, night and morning before she died. It sounds to me that her death was not abnormal just not what you thought it would be like.
I would like you to consider writing your mom a letter. This letter is just between you and her, no one even needs to know you are writing it. Put everything you need and want to say to your mom in that letter. Tell her about how sorry you are that you didn’t know she was dying. Tell her about the good things in your relationship and even tell her about the challenging things. Put everything you are carrying in your heart , tears and all, in the letter. Then burn it and scatter the ashes and the guilt you have been carrying to the wind. Know she will get your letter.
Mary, I hope you can find peace. Four years a long time to carry guilt. My guess is your mom would want you to let it go and remember the good times with her, not how she died.
My blessings are with you. Barbara
Dear Mary, you are carrying so much guilt and pain. It is time to let go of it. From what you have written to me I don’t really have enough information to know if your mother had entered the dying process or not. I do know that most people in the hours and even sometimes days before their death will develop fluid in their lungs, and yes, the fluid takes the place of the oxygen that their lungs can process. Here is what I want you to think about. When a person is dying, hours, even days before their death it is not like in the movies where a person is alert, talking, aware and then suddenly dead. People dying from old age or illness (verses getting hit by a car or sudden, accidental death) go through a process, do certain things at certain times. They literally work to get out of their body. Think about the little chicken that works so hard to get out of it’s shell. People work to get out of their body. What does “work” look like? Their body functions begin shutting down so circulation isn’t normal anymore, their breathing changes, their pee and poop changes, they sleep with their eyes partially open, and they get fluid in their lungs——all that is how people die.
I have a booklet called Gone From My Sight. I think if you will read it you will find that your mom did some of these things before she died and you didn’t even notice. Not because you are an uncaring daughter but because you didn’t know to look for the signs. I don’t think your mom suffered during the evening, night and morning before she died. It sounds to me that her death was not abnormal just not what you thought it would be like.
I would like you to consider writing your mom a letter. This letter is just between you and her, no one even needs to know you are writing it. Put everything you need and want to say to your mom in that letter. Tell her about how sorry you are that you didn’t know she was dying. Tell her about the good things in your relationship and even tell her about the challenging things. Put everything you are carrying in your heart , tears and all, in the letter. Then burn it and scatter the ashes and the guilt you have been carrying to the wind. Know she will get your letter.
Mary, I hope you can find peace. Four years a long time to carry guilt. My guess is your mom would want you to let it go and remember the good times with her, not how she died.
My blessings are with you. Barbara
Mary
It’s been almost 4 years since my mom died and I’m still trying to figure out what happened to her. She was short of breath I saw that, but she never said anything or cried out but not unusual because she had dementia but was aware enough that you would think she made some noise or gestures. I guess she couldn’t breathe because her lungs filled up with fluid and I never noticed. I can’t get over this fact. I keep wondering what I missed but no one will tell me how she died. In fact, they lie and say she died peacefully with a heart attack but that’s not what happened. She drowned in front of me, how did I not notice. Every day I would get up and check her oxygen and take her blood pressure but was late doing that because I was on the phone so much that morning. If I’d done my job she wouldn’t have suffered. The phone interrupted me and she was turned on her side away from me, I forgot she seemed short of breath. I wonder when did she start feeling distressed, during the night and she must have been so afraid. I let her down and now I can never be ok again. Why did she have to suffer so much? I could understand if she had been in the active stages of dying but she wasn’t so she had no medication to help her. She died around 5:00 pm, probably suffered for many hours. She looked terrible in the end if only she was unconscious but the ambulance said she reacted to stimuli. How could she be awake with only 58 oxygen level? Not knowing how much she suffered is killing me.
It’s been almost 4 years since my mom died and I’m still trying to figure out what happened to her. She was short of breath I saw that, but she never said anything or cried out but not unusual because she had dementia but was aware enough that you would think she made some noise or gestures. I guess she couldn’t breathe because her lungs filled up with fluid and I never noticed. I can’t get over this fact. I keep wondering what I missed but no one will tell me how she died. In fact, they lie and say she died peacefully with a heart attack but that’s not what happened. She drowned in front of me, how did I not notice. Every day I would get up and check her oxygen and take her blood pressure but was late doing that because I was on the phone so much that morning. If I’d done my job she wouldn’t have suffered. The phone interrupted me and she was turned on her side away from me, I forgot she seemed short of breath. I wonder when did she start feeling distressed, during the night and she must have been so afraid. I let her down and now I can never be ok again. Why did she have to suffer so much? I could understand if she had been in the active stages of dying but she wasn’t so she had no medication to help her. She died around 5:00 pm, probably suffered for many hours. She looked terrible in the end if only she was unconscious but the ambulance said she reacted to stimuli. How could she be awake with only 58 oxygen level? Not knowing how much she suffered is killing me.
Trish
Worked in hospice for two years. Was with my mom when she died.
This is THE best information I have ever read.
Worked in hospice for two years. Was with my mom when she died.
This is THE best information I have ever read.
Barbara Karnes
Hi Bernadette, In reading about your mum’s final hours it sounds like she did a good job of leaving her body. She did exactly what was normal and natural. Think of the little chicken working it’s way out of its shell. That is what your mum was doing, working hard to get out of her body. To us the watchers, it looks painful and distressing but what you were seeing was normal. Our breathing changes in the days to hours before death. For some people it is fast, it appears difficult, there can be sounds, congestion, rattlely, then the breaths often slow down. Sometimes a bit of morphine will help the labored breathing but it is not necessary. I do not believe she died because of the morphine. If she died shortly after it was given it did not have time to have any effect.
I’m not sure where you heard it was necessary to keep a person’s respirations slow. Yes, when you are trying to get them better, very fast respiration are a sign of abnormality and distress BUT when a person is dying, when their body is working to release itself from the hold of this earth, fast respirations are very, very normal.
I don’t think your mum was conscious as we think of people being aware. In the hours to minutes, sometimes days before death all appears like a distant dream. The person is releasing from this planet. Their attention is elsewhere. I believe they can hear but again it is as if from afar.
Bernadette, for what you have described to me nothing bad or abnormal was happening as your mum was dying. She was doing what she was supposed to be doing and doing it very well.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I hope I have helped you with some closure so you can let go of those thoughts and move into your grieving. It sounds to me like you were a great daughter being with mum and supporting, loving her through her final experience.
My blessings are with you. Barbara
Hi Bernadette, In reading about your mum’s final hours it sounds like she did a good job of leaving her body. She did exactly what was normal and natural. Think of the little chicken working it’s way out of its shell. That is what your mum was doing, working hard to get out of her body. To us the watchers, it looks painful and distressing but what you were seeing was normal. Our breathing changes in the days to hours before death. For some people it is fast, it appears difficult, there can be sounds, congestion, rattlely, then the breaths often slow down. Sometimes a bit of morphine will help the labored breathing but it is not necessary. I do not believe she died because of the morphine. If she died shortly after it was given it did not have time to have any effect.
I’m not sure where you heard it was necessary to keep a person’s respirations slow. Yes, when you are trying to get them better, very fast respiration are a sign of abnormality and distress BUT when a person is dying, when their body is working to release itself from the hold of this earth, fast respirations are very, very normal.
I don’t think your mum was conscious as we think of people being aware. In the hours to minutes, sometimes days before death all appears like a distant dream. The person is releasing from this planet. Their attention is elsewhere. I believe they can hear but again it is as if from afar.
Bernadette, for what you have described to me nothing bad or abnormal was happening as your mum was dying. She was doing what she was supposed to be doing and doing it very well.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I hope I have helped you with some closure so you can let go of those thoughts and move into your grieving. It sounds to me like you were a great daughter being with mum and supporting, loving her through her final experience.
My blessings are with you. Barbara
Bernadette
Hi Barbara
My mum died a few days ago and I am really struggling with what I saw in the final hours of her life. I spent the last few days and nights of her life beside her in her room but I felt I let her down in those final few hours. She had rapid laboured breathing which never slowed. I could cope with the noisy breathing but not this very distressing fast breathing. I can’t stop thinking that my mum was distressed by it. I ended up calling the community nurses back to her when she opened her eyes and I thought she was more aware of the situation as she was blinking occasionally. Unfortunately the nurses didn’t arrive until some one and a half hours later when eventually they agreed to give her something to slow her breathing down. In fact she died a few minutes after this. I suppose what I need to know is why people breathe this way when dying and are they likely to be aware or distressed by it. Everyone else in the room didn’t think my mum looked distressed but how can she not have been particularly as I think she was conscious and I’m certain there was a little furrow in her brow but again everyone else said it was her normal wrinkles. Should she have had some additional morphine much earlier. I feel so guilty that I didn’t call the nurses sooner particularly with some things I’ve read since my mums death saying that the respiratory rate should have been kept at a lower level. The thing is I never expected this either- some of the other respiratory changes maybe but I was not prepared for this. I hope you can give me some answers as although I can’t change anything for my mum I would want to ensure others didn’t go through his if it was a distressing and unnecessary situation. Thanks
Hi Barbara
My mum died a few days ago and I am really struggling with what I saw in the final hours of her life. I spent the last few days and nights of her life beside her in her room but I felt I let her down in those final few hours. She had rapid laboured breathing which never slowed. I could cope with the noisy breathing but not this very distressing fast breathing. I can’t stop thinking that my mum was distressed by it. I ended up calling the community nurses back to her when she opened her eyes and I thought she was more aware of the situation as she was blinking occasionally. Unfortunately the nurses didn’t arrive until some one and a half hours later when eventually they agreed to give her something to slow her breathing down. In fact she died a few minutes after this. I suppose what I need to know is why people breathe this way when dying and are they likely to be aware or distressed by it. Everyone else in the room didn’t think my mum looked distressed but how can she not have been particularly as I think she was conscious and I’m certain there was a little furrow in her brow but again everyone else said it was her normal wrinkles. Should she have had some additional morphine much earlier. I feel so guilty that I didn’t call the nurses sooner particularly with some things I’ve read since my mums death saying that the respiratory rate should have been kept at a lower level. The thing is I never expected this either- some of the other respiratory changes maybe but I was not prepared for this. I hope you can give me some answers as although I can’t change anything for my mum I would want to ensure others didn’t go through his if it was a distressing and unnecessary situation. Thanks
Barbara Karnes
Hi Karin, In response to your blog comment about your mother’s breathing in the hours before she died——her breathing fast without pausing was not out of the ordinary. It indicates the body is shutting down, nothing works right. A little oxygen sometimes eases the intensity, often times not. Giving the morphine often slows down the breathing but other times not. Giving the extra morphine and your mother dying 2 hours later is not the result of the morphine. The morphine did not hasten her death. With her body shutting down, her circulation slowed which means the morphine didn’t get to do its work in the usual amount of time. I’m thinking neither the 30 minutes dose or the one 2 hours before your mother’s death had any effect on her body. You didn’t say how the morphine was given, liquid in the side of her mouth, suppository in her rectum, on her skin, under her tongue, by needle in the muscle or in her vein. In a healthy body each way has a different time to take effect. In the vein being the fastest. In a body that is dying none, including in the vein, takes effect in what is considered a normal time frame. The sooner the person dies after the drug was administered the less effect the drug had on pain or time of death.
I hope this information has eased your mind. Know we always do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Let go of the doubts and savor the good times.
Blessings! Barbara
Hi Karin, In response to your blog comment about your mother’s breathing in the hours before she died——her breathing fast without pausing was not out of the ordinary. It indicates the body is shutting down, nothing works right. A little oxygen sometimes eases the intensity, often times not. Giving the morphine often slows down the breathing but other times not. Giving the extra morphine and your mother dying 2 hours later is not the result of the morphine. The morphine did not hasten her death. With her body shutting down, her circulation slowed which means the morphine didn’t get to do its work in the usual amount of time. I’m thinking neither the 30 minutes dose or the one 2 hours before your mother’s death had any effect on her body. You didn’t say how the morphine was given, liquid in the side of her mouth, suppository in her rectum, on her skin, under her tongue, by needle in the muscle or in her vein. In a healthy body each way has a different time to take effect. In the vein being the fastest. In a body that is dying none, including in the vein, takes effect in what is considered a normal time frame. The sooner the person dies after the drug was administered the less effect the drug had on pain or time of death.
I hope this information has eased your mind. Know we always do the best we can with the information we have at the time. Let go of the doubts and savor the good times.
Blessings! Barbara
Karin
I also wonder about the fast and laboured breathing, you answer that it becomes irregular, but what about the fast and regular breathing with NO pauses? My mother was breathing like that when dying for about 7 hours before passing.This was so disturbing and stressful to me, that I rang for the nurse 30 min after she got morphine, and asked if she could have some more, the nurse gave her some more and my mother passed two hours later. I blame myself:(
I wanted to help her but didn’t understand that the morphine made it so much more difficult for her..
I wonder how much longer she could have lived if this had not happened, no one knows..BUT I would really like to know about this fast breathing, everyone is talking about the pauses, like Cheyne-Stokes, but what if there are none??
I also wonder about the fast and laboured breathing, you answer that it becomes irregular, but what about the fast and regular breathing with NO pauses? My mother was breathing like that when dying for about 7 hours before passing.This was so disturbing and stressful to me, that I rang for the nurse 30 min after she got morphine, and asked if she could have some more, the nurse gave her some more and my mother passed two hours later. I blame myself:(
I wanted to help her but didn’t understand that the morphine made it so much more difficult for her..
I wonder how much longer she could have lived if this had not happened, no one knows..BUT I would really like to know about this fast breathing, everyone is talking about the pauses, like Cheyne-Stokes, but what if there are none??