In response to "how are you," "I'm fine" seems to be a universal reply from people suffering. This suffering can be the result of pain, grief, illness, family upheaval, or any other major distress a person is experiencing. Well, my mother would have told you everything and more than you’d ever want to know in response to the question, but I think many will respond with "I’m fine."
What do I, the sufferer, want from you then, if "how are you?" doesn’t work? I want your presence, your normalcy. I want your call saying "let’s go to the Dairy Queen" or wherever your favorite place is. A call and invite to dinner, or to a movie (at the theater or your house), a "let’s go for a ride to wherever, let’s go for a walk." Get the picture here? I need to feel normal again. I need to have activity to combat my loneliness. Yet strangely enough, I may do everything to resist the very offer, the thing that will actually comfort me the most.
In my activity with you, at dinner, a movie, or a visit over a cup of coffee, I may let my guard down and tell you how I am really feeling—maybe.
Why am I writing this? Because I got to thinking, one Pajama Sunday when my weekly paint by numbers gals weren’t able to come over, how much I rely on the fun, normal interactions with people, friends. How much my time was "filled" with my partner rather than with others.
Jack was my social partner, my "go to the movies with" guy, my "talk about the weather" person. That void, that void of human interaction, now needed to be filled from outside these walls. And when I say "walls" I really mean the invisible walls I put up by saying "I’m fine."
We are all different in how we live and heal our grief. I’m just sharing my thoughts today. Giving you something to think about.
Something More about… "I’m fine" The Universal Response From Grievers
If you or someone you know is grieving, my booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience may provide comfort.
Here’s a recent review:
"My Friend, I Care", booklet review
I received this booklet shortly after my husband passed away this past October. It was so much "to the point" of what I was experiencing. I have read the little booklet several times and have even offered it to some of my family members and friends. I ordered extra copies to give away when someone is experiencing the death of a oved one. This is a valuable resource!
- Dorothy W.
9 comments
Kathleen OLeary
Do you have any references about how to write an obituary? My husband is in Memory Care for the past two years and is declining.
Also, years ago, we talked about that we didn’t want to be cremated. But now, we have been living in Florida because he got sick and we couldn’t go back home. So, it is inpractitcal and expensive to ship a body home for burial in MA. Any suggestions for how to think about this delimma?
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kathleen, I don’t really know how to write an obituary but that is a very good question. I’m sure most people don’t know either. I Googled “How to write an obituary” and got all sorts of ideas. About burial vs cremation, I’ve found that before we need answers we can come up with plans of how we want things to be BUT when the situations occur in real time our plans may have to change, even our ideas and wants can change. Imagining a situation and making real choices are often different. My suggestion is do what works for you now. If you are staying in Florida you may want his body or ashes there. If you will return to MA you may want to pay the cost to have his body returned to MA. Blessings to you. Barbara
Do you have any references about how to write an obituary? My husband is in Memory Care for the past two years and is declining.
Also, years ago, we talked about that we didn’t want to be cremated. But now, we have been living in Florida because he got sick and we couldn’t go back home. So, it is inpractitcal and expensive to ship a body home for burial in MA. Any suggestions for how to think about this delimma?
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kathleen, I don’t really know how to write an obituary but that is a very good question. I’m sure most people don’t know either. I Googled “How to write an obituary” and got all sorts of ideas. About burial vs cremation, I’ve found that before we need answers we can come up with plans of how we want things to be BUT when the situations occur in real time our plans may have to change, even our ideas and wants can change. Imagining a situation and making real choices are often different. My suggestion is do what works for you now. If you are staying in Florida you may want his body or ashes there. If you will return to MA you may want to pay the cost to have his body returned to MA. Blessings to you. Barbara
Kathy
It’s been over 5 years, we were married 57 years. I find it hard to share with those I know. A lot easier to share with strangers. My husband got leukemia at 58 yrs old resulting in dementia for 20 years then Parkinson’s and 2-1/2 years in a Veterans home until his passing at age 80. A long goodbye. I thought I was prepared. I don’t physically cry but often cry on the inside. I do have a psychologist I talk with once a month and attend luncheons with friends and work at getting out in the community. This past year I find it easier but the loss is still very real.
I did attend a conference you held in Fargo ND around 2017 or so. You were so wonderful and the time you took to reach out to me and others on a one to one with a question and answer session after the conference showed how dedicated you are to helping others. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your husband. Thank you for the work you do and the support you give to us.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kathy, I remember my visit to Fargo with fond memories. My, you certainly had a long caregiving road. Going from being a couple to now just looking after yourself can be a challenge in itself—-I am learning that also. My thoughts and blessings are with you as you travel this new path in living. Barbara
It’s been over 5 years, we were married 57 years. I find it hard to share with those I know. A lot easier to share with strangers. My husband got leukemia at 58 yrs old resulting in dementia for 20 years then Parkinson’s and 2-1/2 years in a Veterans home until his passing at age 80. A long goodbye. I thought I was prepared. I don’t physically cry but often cry on the inside. I do have a psychologist I talk with once a month and attend luncheons with friends and work at getting out in the community. This past year I find it easier but the loss is still very real.
I did attend a conference you held in Fargo ND around 2017 or so. You were so wonderful and the time you took to reach out to me and others on a one to one with a question and answer session after the conference showed how dedicated you are to helping others. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your husband. Thank you for the work you do and the support you give to us.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kathy, I remember my visit to Fargo with fond memories. My, you certainly had a long caregiving road. Going from being a couple to now just looking after yourself can be a challenge in itself—-I am learning that also. My thoughts and blessings are with you as you travel this new path in living. Barbara
Novelette
So true, Barbara, so true. My “I’m fine” is “I am ok.” Partly because that is what society expects the answer to be and any real vulnerable answer I don’t think would be received. The other is because of the uniqueness of my life limiting illness I know people won’t understand so I don’t bother sharing. But I think you are right, if you are willing hang out and I can see genuine compassion and wanting to know the real answer I might give a real response. But I hate when people can’t just witness or want to put a bow on it and make it look good. I was listening to a grief podcast today and it talked about being witness as this spiritual thing. This idea that here you are willing to just sit along side my deepest being. Holding my hand in mud and rain. That’s all. It’s hard to find enough people that can.
Thank you for sharing this as always.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette, thank you for sharing. Hope you find that someone who can support you. Blessings! Barbara
So true, Barbara, so true. My “I’m fine” is “I am ok.” Partly because that is what society expects the answer to be and any real vulnerable answer I don’t think would be received. The other is because of the uniqueness of my life limiting illness I know people won’t understand so I don’t bother sharing. But I think you are right, if you are willing hang out and I can see genuine compassion and wanting to know the real answer I might give a real response. But I hate when people can’t just witness or want to put a bow on it and make it look good. I was listening to a grief podcast today and it talked about being witness as this spiritual thing. This idea that here you are willing to just sit along side my deepest being. Holding my hand in mud and rain. That’s all. It’s hard to find enough people that can.
Thank you for sharing this as always.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette, thank you for sharing. Hope you find that someone who can support you. Blessings! Barbara
Mark
My wife died 9 months ago after a long decline from MS. Our friends provided support in the first few months but that has trailed off. That’s normal I think. They all have busy lives and families of their own. So I think I need to be more proactive about reaching out and creating opportunities to get together.
———
BK Books replied:
Mark, you’re so right, by the time we grievers are ready to be more interacting, others have moved on. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing this important point. Barbara
My wife died 9 months ago after a long decline from MS. Our friends provided support in the first few months but that has trailed off. That’s normal I think. They all have busy lives and families of their own. So I think I need to be more proactive about reaching out and creating opportunities to get together.
———
BK Books replied:
Mark, you’re so right, by the time we grievers are ready to be more interacting, others have moved on. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing this important point. Barbara
Deborah
Very good post, Barbara. I love your concrete helping ideas to extend normalcy and let presence open the door to sharing. It is important that friends know: they don’t need to tiptoe! The grieving friend wants their loved one remembered! My husband passed during “high COVID” and that necessitated a difficult void. But I am staying vigilant with my recently widowed peers.
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Deborah for your insight. Blessings! Barbara
Very good post, Barbara. I love your concrete helping ideas to extend normalcy and let presence open the door to sharing. It is important that friends know: they don’t need to tiptoe! The grieving friend wants their loved one remembered! My husband passed during “high COVID” and that necessitated a difficult void. But I am staying vigilant with my recently widowed peers.
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Deborah for your insight. Blessings! Barbara
kyle
Beautifully said
Sending a hug
———
BK Books replied:
Thanks for the hug, Kyle. Blessings! Barbara
Beautifully said
Sending a hug
———
BK Books replied:
Thanks for the hug, Kyle. Blessings! Barbara
Cami
I could use this now. My mom just got moved yesterday to hospice and my partner with Alzheimer’s is moving tomorrow near me for long term care so I can care for him. I love your material. I thought I was prepared until they cry in pain.
———
BK Books replied:
Cami, you might find my book, By Your Side, and the booklet, How Do I Know You, helpful in your caregiving. You are going to have a challenging time ahead. Accept all the offers of help you get. Blessings! Barbara
I could use this now. My mom just got moved yesterday to hospice and my partner with Alzheimer’s is moving tomorrow near me for long term care so I can care for him. I love your material. I thought I was prepared until they cry in pain.
———
BK Books replied:
Cami, you might find my book, By Your Side, and the booklet, How Do I Know You, helpful in your caregiving. You are going to have a challenging time ahead. Accept all the offers of help you get. Blessings! Barbara
Kris Basicker
As a hospice nurse of 25 yrs and now a Palliative Care nurse, I always look forward to reading your posts and words of wisdom. I just want to thank you, Barbara, for sharing your thoughts and feelings as a grieving wife. I’m sure that being on “the other side” of these experiences is so very hard, but it does help to hear about your experiences- and you share so openly, honestly and beautifully every time. I can’t say I’m surprised because that is who you are! I just wanted to say thank you for all the wisdom you’ve given, and continue to give us, all these years.
Kris
———
BK Books replied:
Kris, thank you for those kind words. Blessings to you in the good work that you are doing. Barbara
As a hospice nurse of 25 yrs and now a Palliative Care nurse, I always look forward to reading your posts and words of wisdom. I just want to thank you, Barbara, for sharing your thoughts and feelings as a grieving wife. I’m sure that being on “the other side” of these experiences is so very hard, but it does help to hear about your experiences- and you share so openly, honestly and beautifully every time. I can’t say I’m surprised because that is who you are! I just wanted to say thank you for all the wisdom you’ve given, and continue to give us, all these years.
Kris
———
BK Books replied:
Kris, thank you for those kind words. Blessings to you in the good work that you are doing. Barbara
Marcia Dudley
Two years on Mother’s Day that my husband of 62 years passed. The world has moved on so “I am fine.” Life is so fast these days, I think we move on more quickly from other’s sorrow. Not intentionally, but there’s so much sadness we can hardly hold our own never mind that of others. One day at a time – until then “I am fine.”
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Marcia, for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Two years on Mother’s Day that my husband of 62 years passed. The world has moved on so “I am fine.” Life is so fast these days, I think we move on more quickly from other’s sorrow. Not intentionally, but there’s so much sadness we can hardly hold our own never mind that of others. One day at a time – until then “I am fine.”
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Marcia, for sharing. Blessings! Barbara