As I travel this grief path I am seeing that many people don't know what to do or say to grievers. There can be awkwardness, even avoidance from people.
I remember when a friend’s son died and Jack and I were on the way to the visitation, husband Jack asked me what he could say to our friends. He didn’t know what to say and he knew there was really nothing he could do for them. I suggested he say just that, “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
There seem to be so many cliches that offer condolences. “I’m sorry for your loss,” “He is at peace now,” “He is with God,” I found no comfort there.
What I’ve learned in my grief is that words are just words. It is the intent of offering support, concern, affection that rides behind the words that matters. There was my comfort - people taking time to touch me.
Writing a note says more than the words in the note. It says I thought enough about you to take the time to send this correspondence. I have a friend that simply sent me a picture text each day for more than a month. I actually looked forward to those pictures - flowers, pets, the universe. Those texts said without words “I’m thinking of you.”
When do you call and say “can I come over with McDonald’s” or “let’s go to lunch”? How soon is too soon? I suppose that depends on the closeness of the relationship. A very close friend, anytime; a social friend, perhaps in a few weeks - a “get out of the house, I’m here if you need anything” kind of lunch.
I’ve noticed people are hesitant to talk about the person that died or use their name. By all means talk about our special person. Talk about “remember when,” about how they touched your life, and how much you cared about them.
Another thing to be aware of is we, grievers, will probably not reach out to you. We will not say “I need to talk with someone” or “I’m lonely and need a friend today.” We may even say “I can’t today.” But don’t give up on us. Keep reaching out. Keep being there.
These are just a few of my thoughts as I travel this new road of grief. I figure if I’m having these thoughts then so are others. Again, just something to think about.
Something More… about Grievers Probably Won't Reach Out To You
If you have a grieving friend, I suggest you look into gifting your friend a year's subscription of HelpTexts. They will be sent texts each week that will be supportive and tender from experts in the field. If that interests you, here is a discounted link: HelpTexts.
I also have a booklet that provides gentle guidance through the normal stages of grief and offers suggestions for moving forward into a meaningful life. Many use the booklet as a condolence card. It costs less than a greeting card and provides support to the griever.
18 comments
Margaret D
I love the booklet, “My Friend, I Care” and love the title. I keep them on hand. I always receive good feed back on them.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Margaret, I wrote My Friend, I Care with the idea it would be used as a sympathy card. Sounds like that is what you are doing. Blessings! Barbara
I love the booklet, “My Friend, I Care” and love the title. I keep them on hand. I always receive good feed back on them.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Margaret, I wrote My Friend, I Care with the idea it would be used as a sympathy card. Sounds like that is what you are doing. Blessings! Barbara
Lois
I ran into a casual friend who gave me a big hug and said “I didn’t know what to say, so I’ve been avoiding you. I was going to call you tomorrow.”
Just thinking about that feels like a gut punch.
And PLEASE say his name. You’re not going to be reminding me that he died. I remember by myself every living moment.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lois, I know, hugs often mean more than any words can say. Blessings! Barbra
I ran into a casual friend who gave me a big hug and said “I didn’t know what to say, so I’ve been avoiding you. I was going to call you tomorrow.”
Just thinking about that feels like a gut punch.
And PLEASE say his name. You’re not going to be reminding me that he died. I remember by myself every living moment.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lois, I know, hugs often mean more than any words can say. Blessings! Barbra
Kristi van Greunen
A book that I know has helped many in grief is “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief” by Martha Hickman. That book helped me greatly as it did many I met in my grief support groups.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kristi, thanks for sharing your helpful book. Blessings! Barbara
A book that I know has helped many in grief is “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief” by Martha Hickman. That book helped me greatly as it did many I met in my grief support groups.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kristi, thanks for sharing your helpful book. Blessings! Barbara
Joanna
Dearest Barbara, thank you for your continual love and care for us all as you tread your own path of sadness. Reading your message this morning reached out to me in my own loss of my beloved Honey cat. I realise how much I took refuge and comfort from life in her love and am now working to seek that refuge within instead of ‘out there’. Life and loss go together and it’s so good to share our journeys together. Sending so much love for you and gratitude for your loving kindness to humanity xx
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BK Books replied:
Hi Joanna, our animals (mine is a cat too) can bring us great comfort. Just like with people, it isn’t words but presence (and purrs) that we often find comfort. Blessings to you. Barbara
Dearest Barbara, thank you for your continual love and care for us all as you tread your own path of sadness. Reading your message this morning reached out to me in my own loss of my beloved Honey cat. I realise how much I took refuge and comfort from life in her love and am now working to seek that refuge within instead of ‘out there’. Life and loss go together and it’s so good to share our journeys together. Sending so much love for you and gratitude for your loving kindness to humanity xx
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BK Books replied:
Hi Joanna, our animals (mine is a cat too) can bring us great comfort. Just like with people, it isn’t words but presence (and purrs) that we often find comfort. Blessings to you. Barbara
Betty Jane Foglio, BSN, RN
Dear Barbara,
These dialogues are really special to read and understand. I feel for the people who cannot acknowledge loss. It’s a precious and sensitive time. Truly, not much has to be said. During my work in an Inpatient Unit, I think one of the best
offerings I had was to give the family member a hug. I will never forget a young woman with Breast Cancer whose Dad was standing next to me after her passing. I just gave him a big hug which helped him to cry. It was a precious moment. Such loss.
I send you hugs now although I am many miles away.
With Warmth and Compassion,
B.J.
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BK Books replied:
Hi B.J. thank you for sharing how you brought comfort with a simple hug. I wish more medical professionals could find the same compassion. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Dear Barbara,
These dialogues are really special to read and understand. I feel for the people who cannot acknowledge loss. It’s a precious and sensitive time. Truly, not much has to be said. During my work in an Inpatient Unit, I think one of the best
offerings I had was to give the family member a hug. I will never forget a young woman with Breast Cancer whose Dad was standing next to me after her passing. I just gave him a big hug which helped him to cry. It was a precious moment. Such loss.
I send you hugs now although I am many miles away.
With Warmth and Compassion,
B.J.
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BK Books replied:
Hi B.J. thank you for sharing how you brought comfort with a simple hug. I wish more medical professionals could find the same compassion. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Diana
Praying for you. It’s not an easy journey but God walks beside you every step of the way. Thank
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Diana. Blessings! Barbara
Praying for you. It’s not an easy journey but God walks beside you every step of the way. Thank
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Diana. Blessings! Barbara
Karen H
Love to you, Barbara.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you. Barbara
Love to you, Barbara.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you. Barbara
Karen Anderson
Barbara, this really resonated. Our house burned down a year ago and it has surprised us that even some close, longtime friends have not known how to relate to us in this huge loss. Very few people have simply been there consistently over time, to check in with us and let us know they care. After a few months one acquaintance wrote, “You’re over this by now, right?” No, we are not over it and do not expect to ever be, just as we never get over losing a loved one. We lost our entire way of life, and you don’t just get over that. We are slowly moving on, grateful we survived the fire, and gradually transitioning to a new life in a new place. It is a process. Your perspective on the grief process applies to any type of loss, in my experience. Thank you for all the support you offer to us all, even as you grieve your beloved Jack.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Karen, you are so right. We grieve for many things. Sudden death of a house is certainly one of them. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Barbara, this really resonated. Our house burned down a year ago and it has surprised us that even some close, longtime friends have not known how to relate to us in this huge loss. Very few people have simply been there consistently over time, to check in with us and let us know they care. After a few months one acquaintance wrote, “You’re over this by now, right?” No, we are not over it and do not expect to ever be, just as we never get over losing a loved one. We lost our entire way of life, and you don’t just get over that. We are slowly moving on, grateful we survived the fire, and gradually transitioning to a new life in a new place. It is a process. Your perspective on the grief process applies to any type of loss, in my experience. Thank you for all the support you offer to us all, even as you grieve your beloved Jack.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Karen, you are so right. We grieve for many things. Sudden death of a house is certainly one of them. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Joyce
Thank you for addressing this. It is hard to know what is helpful whether you are the grieving person or the friend. I definitely noticed after my daughter died that many people had no idea what to say. I was aware that they were afraid of upsetting me especially if a memory brought on tears, but those tears help us to heal.
A couple of weeks after my daughter, Laura died, when I was back at work, one lady just gave me a big hug saying “I just wanted to give you a hug from one mom to another,” that made me feel good and her warm, heatfelt gesture stayed with me. Another lady gave me a hug and said “I don’t have any wonderful words of wisdom other than it won’t ALWAYS hurt this bad.” I hung onto her words and kept repeating them to myself through my darkest of days when I saw no light at the end of a very dark tunnel. They became my mantra even though I didn’t quite believe them. A few months later, I sent her a note telling her how powerful and helpful her words were for me. The two ladies I mentioned helped me more than they will ever know. God sent them ~ they were my angels.
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BK Books replied:
Joye, thank you so much for sharing your grief story. I hope your “angels” are still a part of your life. They are keepers. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for addressing this. It is hard to know what is helpful whether you are the grieving person or the friend. I definitely noticed after my daughter died that many people had no idea what to say. I was aware that they were afraid of upsetting me especially if a memory brought on tears, but those tears help us to heal.
A couple of weeks after my daughter, Laura died, when I was back at work, one lady just gave me a big hug saying “I just wanted to give you a hug from one mom to another,” that made me feel good and her warm, heatfelt gesture stayed with me. Another lady gave me a hug and said “I don’t have any wonderful words of wisdom other than it won’t ALWAYS hurt this bad.” I hung onto her words and kept repeating them to myself through my darkest of days when I saw no light at the end of a very dark tunnel. They became my mantra even though I didn’t quite believe them. A few months later, I sent her a note telling her how powerful and helpful her words were for me. The two ladies I mentioned helped me more than they will ever know. God sent them ~ they were my angels.
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BK Books replied:
Joye, thank you so much for sharing your grief story. I hope your “angels” are still a part of your life. They are keepers. Blessings! Barbara
Nina Impala
Ho Barbara,
I am starting a grief group at my church. We have lost so many parishioners, and there wasn’t one, so I stepped up because I am retired now and I can do it. I’m will check into your book about grief thank you for who you are and all that you do. May God bless you always. Love Nina Impala 💕
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nina, good for you, seeing a need and filling it. My booklet My Friend, I Care will help as will my book The Final Act of Living. Blessings to the good work you are doing. Barbara
Ho Barbara,
I am starting a grief group at my church. We have lost so many parishioners, and there wasn’t one, so I stepped up because I am retired now and I can do it. I’m will check into your book about grief thank you for who you are and all that you do. May God bless you always. Love Nina Impala 💕
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nina, good for you, seeing a need and filling it. My booklet My Friend, I Care will help as will my book The Final Act of Living. Blessings to the good work you are doing. Barbara
Anita Ocker
Barbara this was a great article. I have a friend whose son was found deceased after missing for a week . He was 23 and had 2 young kids. The help texts will be perfect for her, I will get her signed up. Thank you for all your guidance. I have followed and used your books for many years. God bless you as you continue your grief walk🙏🏻❤️
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anita, I think your friend will appreciate your gift of HelpText. Blessings to you and your friend Barbara
Barbara this was a great article. I have a friend whose son was found deceased after missing for a week . He was 23 and had 2 young kids. The help texts will be perfect for her, I will get her signed up. Thank you for all your guidance. I have followed and used your books for many years. God bless you as you continue your grief walk🙏🏻❤️
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anita, I think your friend will appreciate your gift of HelpText. Blessings to you and your friend Barbara
Sandy
Thank you for your suggestions.
One friend was angry when her husband past on. She needed to blame someone. All I could do was be with her and listen.
Thank you for your suggestions.
One friend was angry when her husband past on. She needed to blame someone. All I could do was be with her and listen.
Sandy
Thank you for your suggestions.
One friend was angry when her husband past on. She needed to blame someone. All I could do was be with her and listen.
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BK Books replied:
Sandy, yes, presence can say more than most words. Blessings to you both. Barbara
Thank you for your suggestions.
One friend was angry when her husband past on. She needed to blame someone. All I could do was be with her and listen.
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BK Books replied:
Sandy, yes, presence can say more than most words. Blessings to you both. Barbara
Melissa
Great advice. 💗
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Melissa, Blessings! Barbara
Great advice. 💗
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Melissa, Blessings! Barbara
Stephanie Ramos
I’m grateful for your words. I’m a chaplain at LA General Medical Center in Los Angeles. Sending you healing hs in the silence of your heart as we continue the journey k
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BK Books replied:
Hi Stephanie, thanks for your kind words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
I’m grateful for your words. I’m a chaplain at LA General Medical Center in Los Angeles. Sending you healing hs in the silence of your heart as we continue the journey k
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BK Books replied:
Hi Stephanie, thanks for your kind words. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
Lorrie
I love this. And I love when people give suggestions because we all are going down this road sometime or other.
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BK Books replied:
Blessings to you Lorrie. Barbara
I love this. And I love when people give suggestions because we all are going down this road sometime or other.
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BK Books replied:
Blessings to you Lorrie. Barbara
Novelette
Thanks for sharing these thoughts with us Barbara. I agree. I am multiple loss survivor. Every month there is something about someone I love. I generally reach out to others in that particular grief circle to let them know I am thinking of them. But I wish some times people would remember me. People are generally thankful that I still remember their loved ones 10+ years later.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette, I’m sorry you’re not receiving the kind of support that you are giving others. You are certainly living the saying “Give what you want to receive”. Blessings! Barbara
Thanks for sharing these thoughts with us Barbara. I agree. I am multiple loss survivor. Every month there is something about someone I love. I generally reach out to others in that particular grief circle to let them know I am thinking of them. But I wish some times people would remember me. People are generally thankful that I still remember their loved ones 10+ years later.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Novelette, I’m sorry you’re not receiving the kind of support that you are giving others. You are certainly living the saying “Give what you want to receive”. Blessings! Barbara
Rosy Cunningham
Dear, dear Barbara,
This is beautiful! You are amazing. Thank you for sharing from the grievers perspective. Grievers are the experts in this.
Bless you.
Rosy
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BK Books replied:
Hi Rosy, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Dear, dear Barbara,
This is beautiful! You are amazing. Thank you for sharing from the grievers perspective. Grievers are the experts in this.
Bless you.
Rosy
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BK Books replied:
Hi Rosy, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara