Last week would have been my husband’s 91st birthday. As a family, we decided to celebrate his birthday all together.
His children, grandchildren, and two close friends gathered for dinner and sharing. There were 9 of us. To honor him, we were each to bring a memento that reminded us of him or that was his that we kept because of the meaning. We also brought a picture of him and wore a piece of his clothing. (Following his death we had a gathering and his clothes were sorted and given away to any of us that wanted them — and we all did.)
As we entered the living room there was a table filled with pictures. These pictures included his baby pictures, high school/college yearbook photos, family events, and even a 12x18 of him riding a motor scooter in Rome. Flowers and a lit candle set the scene of remembrance.
Most of us had on a shirt of his. Some had a piece of jewelry, and someone even wore his belt. He was well represented wardrobe-wise.
We began with his favorite dinner — meatloaf and mashed potatoes, salad and, of course, ice cream. As we sat around the dinner table, we began sharing memories, stories, and experiences. Then we created a trivia game, with each of us in turn giving a hint of something that would apply to him and guessing the event. Through the laughter, stories began coming forward. His motorcycle days, his favorite sayings, and “do you remember this” questions.
We actually never left the dinner table. We shared and laughed. There were many smiles. Interestingly, not a tear was shed. We were so joyful.
Could we as a family have done this at his last birthday? Maybe not. Maybe the pain of missing him was too fresh. In the year and half since his death we have grieved, we have missed him not being in our lives — and we still do. But we have begun learning how to live without him. We have reached a place where we can smile, laugh, and feel the gratitude of having had him in our lives.
He is still missed. Not a day goes by that I don’t say or think Jack would have done this or Jack would have thought that. But that night, the empty place he left in our lives was filled with the sound of laughter and happy memories of him.
Something more… about Grief with a Side of Ice Cream: How We Remembered Jack On His 91st Birthday
Anniversaries for those we love who have left this world can be incredibly challenging. My best advice is to make a plan as the date approaches. You may want to be alone with your memories or with others who also loved your person. But knowing that you have a plan will help with the anticipatory feelings you will most likely feel. If you are newly grieving, my booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience will be a support in those first days and weeks.
10 comments
Cheryl Slack
I am a facilitator for the grief group at my church. This blog was in my mailbox the day after a very tearful session with a woman who was grieving deeply on her husband’s 75th birthday. The group suggested sharing a birthday cake with her step-daughter and two grandsons. But, your Blog gave me a new item in my toolbox about expanding those painful remembrances into a celebration of a life of memories. I hope to share your Blog with the group at the next meeting. It also was a great reminder that the 2nd year of anniversaries can be more difficult than the first year.
Barbara, thank you for your honesty, and a lifetime of education on death, dying, and grief. You have changed the world promoting caring, compassion and knowledge for a difficult journey in life.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Cheryl, thank you for sharing. Blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Wish all churches had a grief support group. Barbara
I am a facilitator for the grief group at my church. This blog was in my mailbox the day after a very tearful session with a woman who was grieving deeply on her husband’s 75th birthday. The group suggested sharing a birthday cake with her step-daughter and two grandsons. But, your Blog gave me a new item in my toolbox about expanding those painful remembrances into a celebration of a life of memories. I hope to share your Blog with the group at the next meeting. It also was a great reminder that the 2nd year of anniversaries can be more difficult than the first year.
Barbara, thank you for your honesty, and a lifetime of education on death, dying, and grief. You have changed the world promoting caring, compassion and knowledge for a difficult journey in life.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Cheryl, thank you for sharing. Blessings to you in the good work you are doing. Wish all churches had a grief support group. Barbara
Nancy Watson
Thank you for sharing. Peace be with you.
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BK Books replied:
And peace to you. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing. Peace be with you.
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BK Books replied:
And peace to you. Blessings! Barbara
Connie Larkin
Dear Barbara,
What a touching story for all! (Those who could have celebrated as you did and for those not quite there.) I will forward to our grief group volunteers at Hopewell House, who I am sure would like to share with the folks who are participating.
Thanks.
Connie
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BK Books replied:
Hi Connie, good to hear from you. Glad you’re sharing this with others. Blessings! Barbara
Dear Barbara,
What a touching story for all! (Those who could have celebrated as you did and for those not quite there.) I will forward to our grief group volunteers at Hopewell House, who I am sure would like to share with the folks who are participating.
Thanks.
Connie
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BK Books replied:
Hi Connie, good to hear from you. Glad you’re sharing this with others. Blessings! Barbara
Jean Walker
Thank you for all you teach us, Barbara!
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BK Books replied:
You’re welcome. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for all you teach us, Barbara!
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BK Books replied:
You’re welcome. Blessings! Barbara
Regina Harding
I loved reading about your family honoring your husband Jacks 91 st BD !!!
What a wonderful way to share all the love, memories, clothes food, and stories!!
I am a retired 42 plus yr career RN. My last 7 years were in Hospice and I enjoy reading your newsletters with precious priceless insight for all !!!
Thank you for your continual contributions to this holy sacred ministry!!!!!
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BK Books replied:
And thank you for your years of service. Blessings! Barbara
I loved reading about your family honoring your husband Jacks 91 st BD !!!
What a wonderful way to share all the love, memories, clothes food, and stories!!
I am a retired 42 plus yr career RN. My last 7 years were in Hospice and I enjoy reading your newsletters with precious priceless insight for all !!!
Thank you for your continual contributions to this holy sacred ministry!!!!!
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BK Books replied:
And thank you for your years of service. Blessings! Barbara
Ann McGregor
Thank you very much, Barbara for sharing this. What a lovely way to celebrate someone’s life. Something I must do.
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BK Books replied:
I know, we shared happy memories and rejoiced in the beautiful, meaningful relationships we all had with him. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you very much, Barbara for sharing this. What a lovely way to celebrate someone’s life. Something I must do.
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BK Books replied:
I know, we shared happy memories and rejoiced in the beautiful, meaningful relationships we all had with him. Blessings! Barbara
laura
i appreciate your generosity and giving us a peek into your wonderful family. Also gave me great ideas for how I want to be remembered.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Laura, write in our Advanced Directive and share your thoughts with your family now, before you need to. Blessings! Barbara
i appreciate your generosity and giving us a peek into your wonderful family. Also gave me great ideas for how I want to be remembered.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Laura, write in our Advanced Directive and share your thoughts with your family now, before you need to. Blessings! Barbara
Karen Midlo
Barbara…thank you for your willingness to allow us to ‘peak behind the curtain’ and be a witness to how you and your family celebrated the sweet life of Jack. Such wonderful ideas and suggestions, which I am going to share. Thank you for your vulnerability. With deep respect and gratitude!
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BK Books replied:
Karen, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara…thank you for your willingness to allow us to ‘peak behind the curtain’ and be a witness to how you and your family celebrated the sweet life of Jack. Such wonderful ideas and suggestions, which I am going to share. Thank you for your vulnerability. With deep respect and gratitude!
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BK Books replied:
Karen, thank you for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara Berck
How absolutely wonderful❗️Can imagine your Jack laughing along with you all.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, my friend. We all had some good times didn’t we? Blessings! Barbara
How absolutely wonderful❗️Can imagine your Jack laughing along with you all.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, my friend. We all had some good times didn’t we? Blessings! Barbara
Tracey Duncan
Thank you so much for sharing yourself and family with us, Barbara. Such a beautiful event for all of you in remembrance of Jack. Thank you for the gift of suggestions on how to prepare for these anniversaries. I will not forget.
I am sharing this with others, Tracey
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BK Books replied:
Hi Tracey, I’m glad you are sharing this with others. All of us are grieving from the loss of someone. Laughter is also healing . Blessings! Barbara
Thank you so much for sharing yourself and family with us, Barbara. Such a beautiful event for all of you in remembrance of Jack. Thank you for the gift of suggestions on how to prepare for these anniversaries. I will not forget.
I am sharing this with others, Tracey
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BK Books replied:
Hi Tracey, I’m glad you are sharing this with others. All of us are grieving from the loss of someone. Laughter is also healing . Blessings! Barbara