Dying is not a medical situation. In the hours to minutes, often even days before death, we don’t need medical assistance. We don’t need doctors or nurses or hospitals or 911. We need help from friends, caregivers, and family. The hours to minutes before death become a social, communal situation; a time of support from others.
The person who is actively dying has gone within, is not interacting with others, is doing the internal work of getting out of their body. It is us, the ones who will remain after our loved has departed, that need the guidance and support. (See my booklet, “The Eleventh Hour: A Caring Guideline for the Hours to Minutes Before Death” for ideas of what you can do as your loved one is dying).
Caring for someone in the days to minutes before death is hard work. It is physically exhausting as we keep vigil; it is emotionally turbulent as we face the loss of someone close to us. All of the feelings, positive and negative, surrounding our relationship with the person who is dying float to the surface of our mind and memories. Our fears of dying and death are projected into our current situation bringing an underlying sense of discomfort.
As families and friends gather, tensions often surface. Family feuds, challenges, all come forward. This time can be a time of great bonding and comfort or it can bring out our worst family traits and tension. It can be a great opportunity for healing family wounds, for expressing love and compassion for one another.
Most important, this time is our opportunity to individually say goodbye to the person who is dying, to be alone with them and talk from our heart; maybe saying what we never had the time or chance to say before. This is a social time, a time of words, of touch, of being present with those who make up our lives.
2 comments
Kristin
Thank you Barbara. I have many of your booklets and they’ve been so helpful. I appreciate your personal response on this. It helps!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Kristin, thanks for the kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you Barbara. I have many of your booklets and they’ve been so helpful. I appreciate your personal response on this. It helps!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Kristin, thanks for the kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Kristin
Hello, I’ve so much of your published writings, and have found help and comfort. My dad passed 2 years ago, and now my mom has a few months to live (chronic leukemia). she has chosen doctor assisted death, so I’m hoping you have some wisdom to share on this. Death is not usually a medical event, but in this case it is. I’m having trouble with so many things about this choice.
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BK Books replied:
Kristen, The approaching death of someone we care about is challenging. Having it be a choice is even harder to come to terms with. We are so conditioned to see ending our life as bad. Sometimes living is just too hard. For someone who has been told “You can’t be fixed” the thoughts, all normal, are let’s just skip over the being sick and gradual dying part to let’s go straight to the now part. We will never be ready to have someone we care about die but you and your mom have been given a gift, that is the gift of being able to have closure with each other, to say all the thoughts you need to say. Love her. If you can be there with her as she leaves this world know that she may or may not just close her eyes and stop breathing. She may have a bit of labor to release from her body. Get Gone From My Sight and read pages 8, 9 and 10 for guidance. My blessings to you and your mom. Barbara
Hello, I’ve so much of your published writings, and have found help and comfort. My dad passed 2 years ago, and now my mom has a few months to live (chronic leukemia). she has chosen doctor assisted death, so I’m hoping you have some wisdom to share on this. Death is not usually a medical event, but in this case it is. I’m having trouble with so many things about this choice.
———
BK Books replied:
Kristen, The approaching death of someone we care about is challenging. Having it be a choice is even harder to come to terms with. We are so conditioned to see ending our life as bad. Sometimes living is just too hard. For someone who has been told “You can’t be fixed” the thoughts, all normal, are let’s just skip over the being sick and gradual dying part to let’s go straight to the now part. We will never be ready to have someone we care about die but you and your mom have been given a gift, that is the gift of being able to have closure with each other, to say all the thoughts you need to say. Love her. If you can be there with her as she leaves this world know that she may or may not just close her eyes and stop breathing. She may have a bit of labor to release from her body. Get Gone From My Sight and read pages 8, 9 and 10 for guidance. My blessings to you and your mom. Barbara