QUESTION: Death of a child. Why can't I move on? It seems I am stuck in pain all the time.
I can’t think of any loss greater than the loss of a child, although I’ve had people disagree with that statement. Grief being the self centered emotion that it is I guess whatever or whoever your loss at the time is seems like the greatest loss anyone has ever experienced.
Anyway, it is written in the parent’s handbook that parents die before their children so when a child dies that rule is broken. Our legacy to the world, that part of us that lives on is gone before we are. Not fair.
I have no magic words to help you get “unstuck”. There are no pills that make the pain go away. Pills just mask the feelings and make it even harder to move forward. There is no time limit on how long normal grief lasts.
What we want in our grieving is a place in time where we return to living as we did before but that doesn’t happen. Our life will never be the same again. The key to grieving is to figure out how to go on living when a precious part of our life is missing.
I don’t know how long it has been since your child died, one year, five years, ten years. The pain will alway be there it just isn’t as often that you feel the intensity of the loss.
A couple of ideas to ease you in your pain; Write your child a letter. Say how much you love and miss her or him. Put on paper everything that is screaming in your heart. It isn’t enough to think the thoughts. You must write them down. Now, do something special with the letter. You decide what is special.
Another idea is to create a living tribute to your child. Something positive for the world or country or city or neighborhood. Something that has your child’s name on it somewhere in this place among the living. Maybe monetarily adopt a child in a “Save the Children” kind of program in your child’s name. Maybe do volunteer work as a gift to your child. Let your actions create a legacy for your child.
No one will be able to make sense of the tragedy of loss. My Friend, I Care, The Grief Experience is a booklet I wrote to help those who are grieving. It costs less than a Hallmark Sympathy card and offers ways to to help heal the wound. Let it help you or someone who you know is grieving.