Thanksgiving! A day of gratitude for a year of blessings. For many it is a challenge to find blessings in this chaotic world. For those living with a life-threatening illness, caring for someone faced with end of life issues, or experiencing their first year or even years of grief, it can be hard to find anything to be thankful for.
That’s how I feel today. I’m tired. I’m concerned about the world. I’m sad some of my family won’t be with me this Thanksgiving holiday. I miss my husband Jack.
He was my go-to person for helping me understand the world. He was my guidance when life seemed precarious; a strong, reassuring presence to my uncertainty.
As I am writing this, the thought, “what does this have to do with Thanksgiving?” popped into my head. It made me think for a moment.
My thoughts: I am grateful and thankful for the years I had with him. For the reassurance, the sense of security he brought into my life and our family’s life. I am thankful for the children we raised together, for the love of animals and travel we shared, for the sense of stability our partnership provided. I was not alone. We had each other.
As I reflect on what I have written above, even though he is not here to comfort me with “it will all be okay,” I can be very thankful for all the years that he was a part of my life and did provide that comforting reassurance.
I know I am not the only griever feeling the loss of their special person this season of holidays. If, like me, you are having a challenging time finding something to be thankful for, how about the thankfulness that we are living, we are able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy living with those around us.
How about thankfulness that we have good times to remember and to be thankful for. How about we focus on what to be thankful for, with our past being the anchor upon which to build our living going forward? That is where I’m focusing my energy right now. Blessings to you during this time.
Something More… about Acknowledging My Grief and Gratitude
Don’t be surprised if you see or hear the person who is dead.
Do know that phenomenon is normal and happens to a lot of people.
From the Do’s and Don’ts section of My Friend, I Care: The Grief Journey
14 comments
Susan Baron
My husband passed away one day before Jack. Your thoughts echo mine. Stan was my protector and shoulder to lean on. Now that I’m returning to the world, I miss him more. I cherish the world we built together, holding his hand in the movies, sharing our thoughts at the end of the day. Thank you for building an understanding community.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, Blessings this holiday season. Take extra care of yourself. Holidays seem to magnify grief no matter how long our special person has been gone. Barbara
My husband passed away one day before Jack. Your thoughts echo mine. Stan was my protector and shoulder to lean on. Now that I’m returning to the world, I miss him more. I cherish the world we built together, holding his hand in the movies, sharing our thoughts at the end of the day. Thank you for building an understanding community.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, Blessings this holiday season. Take extra care of yourself. Holidays seem to magnify grief no matter how long our special person has been gone. Barbara
Janet Carole Miller
Barbara, I share your grief in that I knew and loved Jack too. He was always welcoming and wonderful to me and we had a lot of fun and laughs together. I still talk to him, and his jacket is hanging on the outside of one of my closets…I touch it when I go by and say HI to him. I miss him too. You are so strong, and I am always by your side whenever you need me.
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BK Books replied:
Hi, We had so many special moments we can now carry as memories of him. Thank you, Janet, for being in our life and now my life. B.
Barbara, I share your grief in that I knew and loved Jack too. He was always welcoming and wonderful to me and we had a lot of fun and laughs together. I still talk to him, and his jacket is hanging on the outside of one of my closets…I touch it when I go by and say HI to him. I miss him too. You are so strong, and I am always by your side whenever you need me.
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BK Books replied:
Hi, We had so many special moments we can now carry as memories of him. Thank you, Janet, for being in our life and now my life. B.
Robin
I lost my mom in July. She had Alzheimers and I cared for her for the last four years. Hospice was called in the last 5 months and was very helpful. I feel a little bit silly saying that I am still grieving a lot because she was 99 years old. But she was my best friend and was always there for me over all these years. I cry daily because I miss her so much. I don’t think the rest of my family understands. They are relieved that she no longer has to suffer and she did live a long and wonderful life. But I just miss her so much, especially this time of year.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Robin, just because death can be a release from suffering doesn’t mean our grief for their not being in our life is any less. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
I lost my mom in July. She had Alzheimers and I cared for her for the last four years. Hospice was called in the last 5 months and was very helpful. I feel a little bit silly saying that I am still grieving a lot because she was 99 years old. But she was my best friend and was always there for me over all these years. I cry daily because I miss her so much. I don’t think the rest of my family understands. They are relieved that she no longer has to suffer and she did live a long and wonderful life. But I just miss her so much, especially this time of year.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Robin, just because death can be a release from suffering doesn’t mean our grief for their not being in our life is any less. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Deborah
My son is in end stage renal disease. It apostate that this may be his last Thanksgiving. I’m trying to enjoy the moment and cook his favorite meals, but my heart is breaking. I’ll look for the positive. Thanks for ask you do.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, Yes, this will be a challenging holiday for all of you. Try to live in the moment and make it filled with love and joy (easier said than done.) give each other support. Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings. There will be sadness (don’t pretend there isn’t) but bring in the joy of what you have right now. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
My son is in end stage renal disease. It apostate that this may be his last Thanksgiving. I’m trying to enjoy the moment and cook his favorite meals, but my heart is breaking. I’ll look for the positive. Thanks for ask you do.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Deborah, Yes, this will be a challenging holiday for all of you. Try to live in the moment and make it filled with love and joy (easier said than done.) give each other support. Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings. There will be sadness (don’t pretend there isn’t) but bring in the joy of what you have right now. My blessings to you and your family. Barbara
Liz
You know it is funny. I have been a Death Doula for two years and usually provide respite relief for families.
When my husband of 39 years was suddenly taken, I found myself comforting the nurses as I closed the door to his room, the last space where I held his cold hands and caressed his face.
After reading your passage, and those who related their stories of their loss, I realized that I am thankful I was able to say my personal words to his soul as it lay waiting for me to come back to the room. Many have not had the opportunity to be where their essence sprinkles amongst the molecules of the air we can breathe as we say adieu. Yes, some may think my words are strange, but that is the beauty of holding that last flame in your heart. It is personal, and as such, perceived differently.
My thoughts are with you and your readers as you reminisce and move forward through this season of holidays.
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BK Books replied:
Liz, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. Blessings! Barbara
You know it is funny. I have been a Death Doula for two years and usually provide respite relief for families.
When my husband of 39 years was suddenly taken, I found myself comforting the nurses as I closed the door to his room, the last space where I held his cold hands and caressed his face.
After reading your passage, and those who related their stories of their loss, I realized that I am thankful I was able to say my personal words to his soul as it lay waiting for me to come back to the room. Many have not had the opportunity to be where their essence sprinkles amongst the molecules of the air we can breathe as we say adieu. Yes, some may think my words are strange, but that is the beauty of holding that last flame in your heart. It is personal, and as such, perceived differently.
My thoughts are with you and your readers as you reminisce and move forward through this season of holidays.
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BK Books replied:
Liz, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. Blessings! Barbara
Elizabeth
Thank you Barbara. Feeling a little out of sync. Not as bad as last year, (our husbands passed on the same day 9-18-23) but still wishing at times I was already through the next 6 weeks. I am grateful for all that I had and all that I have. It is just a little harder to feel right now.
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BK Books replied:
I know Elizabeth, some days are harder than others but let’s show how well we live our lives now be our tribute to our husbands. Blessing! Barbara
Thank you Barbara. Feeling a little out of sync. Not as bad as last year, (our husbands passed on the same day 9-18-23) but still wishing at times I was already through the next 6 weeks. I am grateful for all that I had and all that I have. It is just a little harder to feel right now.
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BK Books replied:
I know Elizabeth, some days are harder than others but let’s show how well we live our lives now be our tribute to our husbands. Blessing! Barbara
Sherry
This will be my second Thanksgiving without my husband and best friend who died suddenly last August. Your post is incredibly comforting, thank you. “Our past to be our anchor…” how beautiful. I will count my blessings this holiday season. And count you and your writings as one of them.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Sherry. Blessings to you this holiday season. Barbara
This will be my second Thanksgiving without my husband and best friend who died suddenly last August. Your post is incredibly comforting, thank you. “Our past to be our anchor…” how beautiful. I will count my blessings this holiday season. And count you and your writings as one of them.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you, Sherry. Blessings to you this holiday season. Barbara
Delilah
As usual, your words regarding the feelings when holidays , like thanksgiving come around,,,,,,,,,,,,,are always right on, and, I read them, absorb them, and it does help……….. 2 1/2 yrs., since my husband passed, unexpectedly and suddenly,,,,,,,,,it’s hard, and this last year seems to have been the hardest, probably because the reality of it, finally sinks in, …being alone is tough, especially when you’ve been with someone, for so long.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delilah, Learning how to be a “me” after being a “we” for many years seems to be a bigger challenge than I would have imagined. Blessings to you as we walk a similar path. Barbara
As usual, your words regarding the feelings when holidays , like thanksgiving come around,,,,,,,,,,,,,are always right on, and, I read them, absorb them, and it does help……….. 2 1/2 yrs., since my husband passed, unexpectedly and suddenly,,,,,,,,,it’s hard, and this last year seems to have been the hardest, probably because the reality of it, finally sinks in, …being alone is tough, especially when you’ve been with someone, for so long.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delilah, Learning how to be a “me” after being a “we” for many years seems to be a bigger challenge than I would have imagined. Blessings to you as we walk a similar path. Barbara
Laura Weiss
Dear Barbara
Your words touched my heart in a deep way during a personal time four living parents
At 89 90 98 and 103 each is in a different space of moving towards the time of waning life force and need for care.
My heart felt an ache as you described the beautiful love you share with your husband Jack … and yes I resonate with celebrating the gift of your memories and what he gifted you with. Deep thanks for your wisdom
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for your kind words, Laura. My blessings to you and your family as you all travel this part of life’s road. Barbara
Dear Barbara
Your words touched my heart in a deep way during a personal time four living parents
At 89 90 98 and 103 each is in a different space of moving towards the time of waning life force and need for care.
My heart felt an ache as you described the beautiful love you share with your husband Jack … and yes I resonate with celebrating the gift of your memories and what he gifted you with. Deep thanks for your wisdom
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BK Books replied:
Thank you for your kind words, Laura. My blessings to you and your family as you all travel this part of life’s road. Barbara
Jacqueline Kittrell
Love your work and your books. We just lost a 22 year old to DIPG so we are thankful for her life with us. She gave more in those years that one would in a lifetime. I feel for her Mother and her young husband who was her hospice care for 18 months of course the last few weeks was hospice care with him. What do you do with that? I’m grateful to have known her. She understood her assignment. I cannot help but feel dearly for her mother
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BK Books replied:
Jacqueline, I think there is an unwritten rule somewhere that says we parents die before our children. I can think of no greater pain than when that rule is broken. Blessings to you and all your family. Barbara
Love your work and your books. We just lost a 22 year old to DIPG so we are thankful for her life with us. She gave more in those years that one would in a lifetime. I feel for her Mother and her young husband who was her hospice care for 18 months of course the last few weeks was hospice care with him. What do you do with that? I’m grateful to have known her. She understood her assignment. I cannot help but feel dearly for her mother
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BK Books replied:
Jacqueline, I think there is an unwritten rule somewhere that says we parents die before our children. I can think of no greater pain than when that rule is broken. Blessings to you and all your family. Barbara
Wendel Gouldman
My wife of 21 years, Stacey, died a little over 3 years ago. I cried more often than not for most of that first year. I viewed my tears as total honesty and found that kept most people from “running away”. Our sparse friends did not run away, and they were glad to see me no matter how much my sadness showed. The folks in our “anything-but-gay-Heaven-help-us” neighborhood left me alone for the most part, just as they did when we were both alive. But a few were willing to listen and I was openly grateful to them. Our sons and their wives were in close touch and also gave me time & space to do my own thing. They were willing to listen attentively to all the retelling of our escapades together. They did not run away nor look ill-at-ease when tears came! I continued with my same faith practices, kept in touch with friends. About halfway through the second year, I began to seek out new friends. With the softening threat of Covid-19, I waited a whole year before finally holding a Celebration of Life; it was beautiful! I learned a lot about her because I invited folks who had known her long before me.
Now, after 3 years, I am moving away from ‘our’ house to the city & people who have embraced, held, and loved me. It is still hard, regardless of how little love I get from this small river neighborhood because it was OUR house. Tears came back when I began thinking about leaving this house, the house we bought together. But I also know I can do it now; I can do it because it is the right time, it is what she would want for me, and it is where, in my deepest longings, I belong.
I’m surprised it took me 3-plus years. Because now I can do it without blaming myself with questions like, “Why didn’t you do this 3 years ago?” This time is just the right time…for me. And I treasure the patience which my family has gifted to let me figure all that out on my own. That is the purest form of love toward someone who grieves…letting me be me!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Wendel, you made the right choice in not moving until now. In our grief we do not make “good” decisions for at least a year following the death of someone close to us. Our minds need to clear from the fog of our grieving. Bless you in your new move. Barbara
My wife of 21 years, Stacey, died a little over 3 years ago. I cried more often than not for most of that first year. I viewed my tears as total honesty and found that kept most people from “running away”. Our sparse friends did not run away, and they were glad to see me no matter how much my sadness showed. The folks in our “anything-but-gay-Heaven-help-us” neighborhood left me alone for the most part, just as they did when we were both alive. But a few were willing to listen and I was openly grateful to them. Our sons and their wives were in close touch and also gave me time & space to do my own thing. They were willing to listen attentively to all the retelling of our escapades together. They did not run away nor look ill-at-ease when tears came! I continued with my same faith practices, kept in touch with friends. About halfway through the second year, I began to seek out new friends. With the softening threat of Covid-19, I waited a whole year before finally holding a Celebration of Life; it was beautiful! I learned a lot about her because I invited folks who had known her long before me.
Now, after 3 years, I am moving away from ‘our’ house to the city & people who have embraced, held, and loved me. It is still hard, regardless of how little love I get from this small river neighborhood because it was OUR house. Tears came back when I began thinking about leaving this house, the house we bought together. But I also know I can do it now; I can do it because it is the right time, it is what she would want for me, and it is where, in my deepest longings, I belong.
I’m surprised it took me 3-plus years. Because now I can do it without blaming myself with questions like, “Why didn’t you do this 3 years ago?” This time is just the right time…for me. And I treasure the patience which my family has gifted to let me figure all that out on my own. That is the purest form of love toward someone who grieves…letting me be me!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Wendel, you made the right choice in not moving until now. In our grief we do not make “good” decisions for at least a year following the death of someone close to us. Our minds need to clear from the fog of our grieving. Bless you in your new move. Barbara
RICHARD F SMITH JR
May 27, 2021, 12:10 PM my life was drained when my Carolyn, wife of thirty five years left this earth. I have moved on, but she always moves with me. I am constantly mindful of her. My angel. We married on Thanksgiving Day, November 28th, 1985 and that is the date of this year’s Thanksgiving and the grieving still hurts. Yes, I am thankful that her pain is gone, that we had a wonderful life together, that our travels and our family business gave us so much time together, but I cannot get past the point of the pain of her not being by my side. Her Mom, who will be 100 years old in June, 2025,two daughters and one son and their spouses will be sharing Thanksgiviing Dinner with me this year and that is a blessing——-but there is still that empty seat.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Richard, We actually set a place for my husband at last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. We raised our glasses to him before we began eating. Just a thought to acknowledge that he was with us in our hearts and minds. Blessings! Barbara
May 27, 2021, 12:10 PM my life was drained when my Carolyn, wife of thirty five years left this earth. I have moved on, but she always moves with me. I am constantly mindful of her. My angel. We married on Thanksgiving Day, November 28th, 1985 and that is the date of this year’s Thanksgiving and the grieving still hurts. Yes, I am thankful that her pain is gone, that we had a wonderful life together, that our travels and our family business gave us so much time together, but I cannot get past the point of the pain of her not being by my side. Her Mom, who will be 100 years old in June, 2025,two daughters and one son and their spouses will be sharing Thanksgiviing Dinner with me this year and that is a blessing——-but there is still that empty seat.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Richard, We actually set a place for my husband at last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. We raised our glasses to him before we began eating. Just a thought to acknowledge that he was with us in our hearts and minds. Blessings! Barbara
Marty
You are so totally brave and encouraging to many. Way to go, my first bff
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marty, haven’t heard from you in awhile. Send me an email and tell me what’s happening. Blessings to you my first BFF. Barbara
You are so totally brave and encouraging to many. Way to go, my first bff
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BK Books replied:
Hi Marty, haven’t heard from you in awhile. Send me an email and tell me what’s happening. Blessings to you my first BFF. Barbara
Michelle Morneau
Thank you Barbara for your love, kindness, openness, sharing. Love given is always received and returned……and for making this world a more caring place. Happy Thanksgiving ….wishing you and your family (and all the world) peace.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Michelle, for your thoughts of caring and peace. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you Barbara for your love, kindness, openness, sharing. Love given is always received and returned……and for making this world a more caring place. Happy Thanksgiving ….wishing you and your family (and all the world) peace.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Michelle, for your thoughts of caring and peace. Blessings! Barbara