Dear Barbara, I can’t get mom’s last minutes out of my head. Just before she died it was like nothing of this earth. It was like she was possessed, a silent scream, totally distorted facially. Have you seen this horror before?
What you described had to be scary for you. Yes, I have seen facial expression changes in the moments before death. Scary faces, grimaces, silent screams. What do I think it is? Here are my thoughts:
There is a labor to dying. It is hard work for us to get out of our body (some harder than others). Think of the little chick that works, struggles to get out of its shell. As we, humans, are dying we are working, struggling also to get out of our bodies. We, the watchers, see the hard work and don't know how to interpret it. As someone who has seen a lot of dying moments I see that struggle as often intense and unexplainable.
I don't think anything bad is happening. Those facial expressions and movements can be ugly and disconcerting but you were witnessing the final release, the final attachment to the physical being let go.
I don't want you to carry that image as something bad. I want you to understand it was optics we can't explain, distortions of the body as it was releasing its hold on this earth.
I can only say from having been at the bedside of hundreds of people that your mother's facial expression was not unusual. I describe it in my booklet Gone From My Sight or my book The Final Act of Living as a grimace or a frown. More detailed descriptions of faces I've seen could be a silent scream, or facial distortions that a Hollywood producer could use in a horror film.
The other side is I have seen smiles, beautiful, peaceful faces. What I learned from seeing all the various moments of death is it doesn't matter what they look like or why. What we are watching is a struggle to end this life connection, to get out of our physical shell. It's like childbirth in reverse. For some the baby just pops out, for other's, mom has to scream and push for hours.
I do not believe your mother would want you to be concentrating on her last moments and forgetting the good moments of her life. Here is an exercise for you: every day write down one good, beautiful, meaningful memory you have from the many years with your mom.
I don’t want that memory of your mom to overshadow all the good.
I assure you nothing bad or evil or even unusual was happening.
Something More... about The Silent Scream, Grimaces, and Scary Faces As We Die... Why?
I wish that more families were educated on what the dying process looks like and what to expect. More patients and families would experience a sacred death. Their grieving would be normal and not complicated. If you are not offered end of life education, ask for it.
32 comments
My husband made an evil sounding scream a few minutes before he passed. He was in the bathroom and I did not see his face but I reached up to Gpd to help me. He instantly stopped and asked me to help him to bed. He was gasping I love you but his last words were I can’t do this anymore. I didn’t realize he was going to die at that moment but he passed quickly. Another friend shared her mother had that earth shattering scream too. I wondered if my husband was trying to stay alive because he also was saying he felt faint and not to leave. Thst was my first experience with being with someone who was dying.
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BK Books replied:
Karen, it sounds like your husband had what I call a fast death. You didn’t say what the doctors said he died from so I can’t guess why he said and did what he did as he was dying. I can say I have heard many a “scream” when someone is dying. For me it is like that final push to get out of the body. Blessing! Barbara
Hello. Your site is good, special and helpful. Thanks for it. I’ve learned so much from readers comments and perspectives too. In that light I’d like to share mine.
Thanks for allowing me to share my perspective & for all the effort you’ve invested in helping us prepare for and process the deaths of our loved ones.I’ve always attributed sudden, surprising movements, changes in breathing, grimaces and the like as they present in dying persons to short circuits in brain electrochemical activity due to lack of oxygen and/or autonomic reflexes—with unconsciousness preceding any of that. Therefore anyone witnessing these things could be comforted by the fact that their loved one truly did die in their sleep (unconscious).
Explaining the perplexing twists & turns that folks’ bodies & behaviors sometimes take using the simile of being in the active throes of labor doesn’t work for me. Neither does the chick breaking free from its shell. Maybe because the relief that comes after discomfort isn’t really peace. Real peace is not being conscious or actively pushing through discomfort in the first place.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Keith, thanks for the scientific explanation. Sometimes, and some people, relate more to analogies. Blessings! Barbara
Why do people stop being able to talk when dying?
My brother on his dying bed was able to speak but as the days went by he became luke a mute and could only Moan Moan
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BK Books replied:
Jackie, there is a labor to leaving this world just like there is a labor to enter it. Just before a baby is born, mom is not having a conversation. She is working to push the baby out. So it is when we are dying. Our energy is on getting out of our body. It is not on what is happening around us. It is not like in the movies where a person is fully present, says something profound and then dies. Hope this helps. Blessings! Barbara
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
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