Dear Barbara, I can’t get mom’s last minutes out of my head. Just before she died it was like nothing of this earth. It was like she was possessed, a silent scream, totally distorted facially. Have you seen this horror before?
What you described had to be scary for you. Yes, I have seen facial expression changes in the moments before death. Scary faces, grimaces, silent screams. What do I think it is? Here are my thoughts:
There is a labor to dying. It is hard work for us to get out of our body (some harder than others). Think of the little chick that works, struggles to get out of its shell. As we, humans, are dying we are working, struggling also to get out of our bodies. We, the watchers, see the hard work and don't know how to interpret it. As someone who has seen a lot of dying moments I see that struggle as often intense and unexplainable.
I don't think anything bad is happening. Those facial expressions and movements can be ugly and disconcerting but you were witnessing the final release, the final attachment to the physical being let go.
I don't want you to carry that image as something bad. I want you to understand it was optics we can't explain, distortions of the body as it was releasing its hold on this earth.
I can only say from having been at the bedside of hundreds of people that your mother's facial expression was not unusual. I describe it in my booklet Gone From My Sight or my book The Final Act of Living as a grimace or a frown. More detailed descriptions of faces I've seen could be a silent scream, or facial distortions that a Hollywood producer could use in a horror film.
The other side is I have seen smiles, beautiful, peaceful faces. What I learned from seeing all the various moments of death is it doesn't matter what they look like or why. What we are watching is a struggle to end this life connection, to get out of our physical shell. It's like childbirth in reverse. For some the baby just pops out, for other's, mom has to scream and push for hours.
I do not believe your mother would want you to be concentrating on her last moments and forgetting the good moments of her life. Here is an exercise for you: every day write down one good, beautiful, meaningful memory you have from the many years with your mom.
I don’t want that memory of your mom to overshadow all the good.
I assure you nothing bad or evil or even unusual was happening.
Something More... about The Silent Scream, Grimaces, and Scary Faces As We Die... Why?
I wish that more families were educated on what the dying process looks like and what to expect. More patients and families would experience a sacred death. Their grieving would be normal and not complicated. If you are not offered end of life education, ask for it.
33 comments
Anna
Hello Barbara,
Thank you for writing about this phenomenon as I cannot find any other literature describing it.
I had the great privilege of accompanying my grandmother at the moment she died in hospice in November last year.
She also made this grimace, then took a final breath and then left us. It was certainly a surprise as she’d had very little facial expression or movement for the previous 48hrs. As she grimaced it seemed also that her chest was caving in somehow into the bed.
It didn’t frighten me, but I found it somewhat haunting and also beautiful.
I adore(d) my grandma and I am so grateful I could accompany her and hopefully bring her comfort on her final journey.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anna, thank you for sharing. My blessings to you. Barbara
Hello Barbara,
Thank you for writing about this phenomenon as I cannot find any other literature describing it.
I had the great privilege of accompanying my grandmother at the moment she died in hospice in November last year.
She also made this grimace, then took a final breath and then left us. It was certainly a surprise as she’d had very little facial expression or movement for the previous 48hrs. As she grimaced it seemed also that her chest was caving in somehow into the bed.
It didn’t frighten me, but I found it somewhat haunting and also beautiful.
I adore(d) my grandma and I am so grateful I could accompany her and hopefully bring her comfort on her final journey.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Anna, thank you for sharing. My blessings to you. Barbara
Karen
My husband made an evil sounding scream a few minutes before he passed. He was in the bathroom and I did not see his face but I reached up to Gpd to help me. He instantly stopped and asked me to help him to bed. He was gasping I love you but his last words were I can’t do this anymore. I didn’t realize he was going to die at that moment but he passed quickly. Another friend shared her mother had that earth shattering scream too. I wondered if my husband was trying to stay alive because he also was saying he felt faint and not to leave. Thst was my first experience with being with someone who was dying.
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BK Books replied:
Karen, it sounds like your husband had what I call a fast death. You didn’t say what the doctors said he died from so I can’t guess why he said and did what he did as he was dying. I can say I have heard many a “scream” when someone is dying. For me it is like that final push to get out of the body. Blessing! Barbara
My husband made an evil sounding scream a few minutes before he passed. He was in the bathroom and I did not see his face but I reached up to Gpd to help me. He instantly stopped and asked me to help him to bed. He was gasping I love you but his last words were I can’t do this anymore. I didn’t realize he was going to die at that moment but he passed quickly. Another friend shared her mother had that earth shattering scream too. I wondered if my husband was trying to stay alive because he also was saying he felt faint and not to leave. Thst was my first experience with being with someone who was dying.
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BK Books replied:
Karen, it sounds like your husband had what I call a fast death. You didn’t say what the doctors said he died from so I can’t guess why he said and did what he did as he was dying. I can say I have heard many a “scream” when someone is dying. For me it is like that final push to get out of the body. Blessing! Barbara
Keith B
Hello. Your site is good, special and helpful. Thanks for it. I’ve learned so much from readers comments and perspectives too. In that light I’d like to share mine.
Thanks for allowing me to share my perspective & for all the effort you’ve invested in helping us prepare for and process the deaths of our loved ones.I’ve always attributed sudden, surprising movements, changes in breathing, grimaces and the like as they present in dying persons to short circuits in brain electrochemical activity due to lack of oxygen and/or autonomic reflexes—with unconsciousness preceding any of that. Therefore anyone witnessing these things could be comforted by the fact that their loved one truly did die in their sleep (unconscious).
Explaining the perplexing twists & turns that folks’ bodies & behaviors sometimes take using the simile of being in the active throes of labor doesn’t work for me. Neither does the chick breaking free from its shell. Maybe because the relief that comes after discomfort isn’t really peace. Real peace is not being conscious or actively pushing through discomfort in the first place.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Keith, thanks for the scientific explanation. Sometimes, and some people, relate more to analogies. Blessings! Barbara
Hello. Your site is good, special and helpful. Thanks for it. I’ve learned so much from readers comments and perspectives too. In that light I’d like to share mine.
Thanks for allowing me to share my perspective & for all the effort you’ve invested in helping us prepare for and process the deaths of our loved ones.I’ve always attributed sudden, surprising movements, changes in breathing, grimaces and the like as they present in dying persons to short circuits in brain electrochemical activity due to lack of oxygen and/or autonomic reflexes—with unconsciousness preceding any of that. Therefore anyone witnessing these things could be comforted by the fact that their loved one truly did die in their sleep (unconscious).
Explaining the perplexing twists & turns that folks’ bodies & behaviors sometimes take using the simile of being in the active throes of labor doesn’t work for me. Neither does the chick breaking free from its shell. Maybe because the relief that comes after discomfort isn’t really peace. Real peace is not being conscious or actively pushing through discomfort in the first place.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Keith, thanks for the scientific explanation. Sometimes, and some people, relate more to analogies. Blessings! Barbara
Jackie
Why do people stop being able to talk when dying?
My brother on his dying bed was able to speak but as the days went by he became luke a mute and could only Moan Moan
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BK Books replied:
Jackie, there is a labor to leaving this world just like there is a labor to enter it. Just before a baby is born, mom is not having a conversation. She is working to push the baby out. So it is when we are dying. Our energy is on getting out of our body. It is not on what is happening around us. It is not like in the movies where a person is fully present, says something profound and then dies. Hope this helps. Blessings! Barbara
Why do people stop being able to talk when dying?
My brother on his dying bed was able to speak but as the days went by he became luke a mute and could only Moan Moan
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BK Books replied:
Jackie, there is a labor to leaving this world just like there is a labor to enter it. Just before a baby is born, mom is not having a conversation. She is working to push the baby out. So it is when we are dying. Our energy is on getting out of our body. It is not on what is happening around us. It is not like in the movies where a person is fully present, says something profound and then dies. Hope this helps. Blessings! Barbara
BK Books
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
BK Books
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
Donna
Your insight has really been a blessing to me. I am a dedicated Christian and my mother also knew Christ as her savior. Her last moments were different than my fathers. She made that strange face that was very distorted and she began to jerk. I didn’t think there was anything bad about it. I knew that was the moment that she died. She gave me one more look. I’m not sure what that means I would like to know, but my point is you said it so perfectly that I wonder why I didn’t realize that I believe that is the moment she left her body at her spirit moved on to be with God. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
Your insight has really been a blessing to me. I am a dedicated Christian and my mother also knew Christ as her savior. Her last moments were different than my fathers. She made that strange face that was very distorted and she began to jerk. I didn’t think there was anything bad about it. I knew that was the moment that she died. She gave me one more look. I’m not sure what that means I would like to know, but my point is you said it so perfectly that I wonder why I didn’t realize that I believe that is the moment she left her body at her spirit moved on to be with God. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Yes, Donna, I believe that those last few minutes of unusual movements is the “little chick breaking free from its shell”. It’s often hard work to get out of our bodies. I’m glad this information has been helpful for you. Let how well you live your life be the gift you give your mother. Blessings! Barbara
Amy
My dad is 95 and recently notcied that there are days when his face looks th normal 95 yr face but then as i talk to him his featurs change in his face one min his face was as smoith as a 25 yr old young man into a very scarey wrinkled face squuntled eyes and an evil laugh ..
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BK Books replied:
The body does some strange movements as death is approaching. Blessings! Barbara
My dad is 95 and recently notcied that there are days when his face looks th normal 95 yr face but then as i talk to him his featurs change in his face one min his face was as smoith as a 25 yr old young man into a very scarey wrinkled face squuntled eyes and an evil laugh ..
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BK Books replied:
The body does some strange movements as death is approaching. Blessings! Barbara
Pete
My mother at her death said, ‘oh no!’ and started boxing at the air. There was definitely in my opinion something present I could not see but believe she could, and tried defending herself. She seemed scared and surprised. Can you help me understand? I shiver when I think it was an evil entity when she was so loving of Jesus and Mother Mary in her lifetime.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Pete, no evil entity at your mother’s bedside. That final push to get out of the body takes a lot of work and manifests itself in many ways, often scary ways, as we the watchers look on. Just picture some women and the struggles and distorted movements and facial expressions they go through to push the baby out. We often have to struggle and “push” to get out of our body. Nothing bad is happening. Blessings to you. Barbara
My mother at her death said, ‘oh no!’ and started boxing at the air. There was definitely in my opinion something present I could not see but believe she could, and tried defending herself. She seemed scared and surprised. Can you help me understand? I shiver when I think it was an evil entity when she was so loving of Jesus and Mother Mary in her lifetime.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Pete, no evil entity at your mother’s bedside. That final push to get out of the body takes a lot of work and manifests itself in many ways, often scary ways, as we the watchers look on. Just picture some women and the struggles and distorted movements and facial expressions they go through to push the baby out. We often have to struggle and “push” to get out of our body. Nothing bad is happening. Blessings to you. Barbara
Chuck labelle
Can you further elaborate on:the “death scream” as my father did when he died? Can people see Azrael when he comes for them? Can people feel thier soul being pulled out of thier body at the last by the Grim Reaper ? Why do people thrash around, curse, swear, howl, shriek, on thier death bed? Can people feel thier descent into the Underworld at thier moment of dying? Thanks for your time to answer me.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Chuck, that’s pretty negative stuff. I don’t believe it is the negativity that is causing the anguish we often see in those last moments. I see that as the struggle to get out of our body much like we struggle (go through labor) to get into this world. Blessings! Barbara
Can you further elaborate on:the “death scream” as my father did when he died? Can people see Azrael when he comes for them? Can people feel thier soul being pulled out of thier body at the last by the Grim Reaper ? Why do people thrash around, curse, swear, howl, shriek, on thier death bed? Can people feel thier descent into the Underworld at thier moment of dying? Thanks for your time to answer me.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Chuck, that’s pretty negative stuff. I don’t believe it is the negativity that is causing the anguish we often see in those last moments. I see that as the struggle to get out of our body much like we struggle (go through labor) to get into this world. Blessings! Barbara
kris
Why not give the dying, and the family, a dignified and peaceful death by sending them off to sleep gently…must they fight? My dad went easy. He was in hospice and wasted away. I insisted he be put on a morphine drip as I did not want him to be aware of his situation. I did not want him to suffer panic or anxiety. He took a deep breath and let go….my poor mother on the other hand looked like was desperate and I guess they had to be sooo careful they don’t kill her! Spare her and her family the agony of watching “trying to escape her body.” We treat dogs better. Maybe it’s time to rethink this. Not every dying person wants to be “present” at the final moments. Some would rather be in a dreamlike state feeling no pain no fear when they cross over. Nurse said she was aware of what was happening but felt no anxiety. I know my mother and I wish I could believe that. Cause just a little more and we’d be SURE my mother had the peaceful death I promised her. People get too used to this “dying process” but some of only go through it once or twice and it ruins the experience for everyone involved. We have drugs to ensure peaceful passings. Why would we withhold them? What’s the downside? Relieve suffering whenever possible. Suffering is not good.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Kris for sharing your perspective. Blessings! Barbara
Why not give the dying, and the family, a dignified and peaceful death by sending them off to sleep gently…must they fight? My dad went easy. He was in hospice and wasted away. I insisted he be put on a morphine drip as I did not want him to be aware of his situation. I did not want him to suffer panic or anxiety. He took a deep breath and let go….my poor mother on the other hand looked like was desperate and I guess they had to be sooo careful they don’t kill her! Spare her and her family the agony of watching “trying to escape her body.” We treat dogs better. Maybe it’s time to rethink this. Not every dying person wants to be “present” at the final moments. Some would rather be in a dreamlike state feeling no pain no fear when they cross over. Nurse said she was aware of what was happening but felt no anxiety. I know my mother and I wish I could believe that. Cause just a little more and we’d be SURE my mother had the peaceful death I promised her. People get too used to this “dying process” but some of only go through it once or twice and it ruins the experience for everyone involved. We have drugs to ensure peaceful passings. Why would we withhold them? What’s the downside? Relieve suffering whenever possible. Suffering is not good.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Kris for sharing your perspective. Blessings! Barbara
Nancy P'Pool
Oh how my heart smiled after coming across this page . My Mom died 14 years ago on Nov1 with a long term illness . I was holding her hand and telling her I would be ok.. she had the scariest face and I knew she was saved and scared she did not cross over to heaven but I now know her expression was sadness at leaving us ! Thank you with a grateful ❤️ for helping!!!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nancy, the final grimace upsets so many watchers. I’m glad you were able to find out what was really happening. Knowledge helps us with our grieving when we know, “Yes, that was normal. Nothing bad was happening”. Blessings! Barbara
Oh how my heart smiled after coming across this page . My Mom died 14 years ago on Nov1 with a long term illness . I was holding her hand and telling her I would be ok.. she had the scariest face and I knew she was saved and scared she did not cross over to heaven but I now know her expression was sadness at leaving us ! Thank you with a grateful ❤️ for helping!!!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Nancy, the final grimace upsets so many watchers. I’m glad you were able to find out what was really happening. Knowledge helps us with our grieving when we know, “Yes, that was normal. Nothing bad was happening”. Blessings! Barbara
Nye
I am so glad to read this. I lost a Friend recently and was pained to see her looking angry almost like she had been deeply sad or crying,yet I’d been told she just died peacefully. I couldn’t cope with that. If she died peacefully why would she have this look in death? I think from people’s experiences given here, there is a person sent to receive us at the last moment,and because we are in the door between both worlds, some of the messengers are people we fully know to be dead, and maybe some as they were in life, simply want to take us forcibly,while others are gentle. I can’t get any other reason for people seeing someone or something we don’t at death, yet some smiling and welcoming it/them, and others being reluctant or terrified.in all, we can only hope and pray for a peaceful “leaving”.
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BK Books replied:
Nye, thank you for your comments. I just look at all the different facial expressions as part of the labor to get out of the body, some have an easier time than others (just like the labor to get here). Guess we won’t know for sure until it’s our turn. Blessings! Barbara
I am so glad to read this. I lost a Friend recently and was pained to see her looking angry almost like she had been deeply sad or crying,yet I’d been told she just died peacefully. I couldn’t cope with that. If she died peacefully why would she have this look in death? I think from people’s experiences given here, there is a person sent to receive us at the last moment,and because we are in the door between both worlds, some of the messengers are people we fully know to be dead, and maybe some as they were in life, simply want to take us forcibly,while others are gentle. I can’t get any other reason for people seeing someone or something we don’t at death, yet some smiling and welcoming it/them, and others being reluctant or terrified.in all, we can only hope and pray for a peaceful “leaving”.
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BK Books replied:
Nye, thank you for your comments. I just look at all the different facial expressions as part of the labor to get out of the body, some have an easier time than others (just like the labor to get here). Guess we won’t know for sure until it’s our turn. Blessings! Barbara
Ryan
Thank you for this answer. I just experienced this earlier today and am having trouble processing. This helped.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ryan, I’m so glad this information helped you. Our role models don’t show us the not so pretty part of dying. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for this answer. I just experienced this earlier today and am having trouble processing. This helped.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Ryan, I’m so glad this information helped you. Our role models don’t show us the not so pretty part of dying. Blessings! Barbara
Lesley
Hi Barbara, I’m so grateful to have come across this page as I’ve been searching for answers since my mom passed. My mom was 91, had recently been transferred to a long-term care home and we knew she didn’t have much time left in this world. She had told me a couple of months ago when in the hospital that she was being visited by family that had passed away a long time ago as well as by children that she didn’t know. She said they all just smiled at her but didn’t speak and she said the children would poke her in the back and then run away giggling. I knew these were the visions or dreams that I’d read people who are dying often have. Her nurse called me on Tuesday to let me know that they felt she didn’t have very much time left so I drove up to spend what time she had left with her and my sister joined me. This was not the first time I’d experienced this as I was with both my ex-father-in-law and my dad when they passed but each time has been very different. My mom went fairly quickly in comparison but she did some very unusual things. She woke up and stared intensely at the ceiling like something was there that frightened her which was unnerving as she had had a stroke about two months ago and had struggled to keep her eyes open since. She eventually relaxed and then she looked at me and started mouthing things I couldn’t hear. Soon after her breathing slowed way down and then stopped but not long after she made this awful gasping and moaning sound like she was in terrible pain, her eyes were wide open again and she looked at me like she was terrified and then she died. I’ve been traumatized since. I can’t get the look that was on her face out of my mind. All I could think was that she had just seen something terrifying. She was a strong Christian woman, with great faith in God, so this has left me quite unsettled. I’ve been searching for answers since and what you wrote here is the first thing I’ve come across that’s discussed this sort of experience. I appreciate your talking openly about this as it’s quite a horrible experience to go through.
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BK Books replied:
Lesley, I am so sorry you were frightened by your mother’s last minutes. What you describe I have seen many times. I don’t think it is fear or seeing something scary. I think it is part of the struggle to release from this heavy body. The little chick breaking free of its shell. Let go of the scary part and remember her life and your relationship. Know you had a gift of being with her, to say goodbye as she began her new journey. Blessings Barbara
Hi Barbara, I’m so grateful to have come across this page as I’ve been searching for answers since my mom passed. My mom was 91, had recently been transferred to a long-term care home and we knew she didn’t have much time left in this world. She had told me a couple of months ago when in the hospital that she was being visited by family that had passed away a long time ago as well as by children that she didn’t know. She said they all just smiled at her but didn’t speak and she said the children would poke her in the back and then run away giggling. I knew these were the visions or dreams that I’d read people who are dying often have. Her nurse called me on Tuesday to let me know that they felt she didn’t have very much time left so I drove up to spend what time she had left with her and my sister joined me. This was not the first time I’d experienced this as I was with both my ex-father-in-law and my dad when they passed but each time has been very different. My mom went fairly quickly in comparison but she did some very unusual things. She woke up and stared intensely at the ceiling like something was there that frightened her which was unnerving as she had had a stroke about two months ago and had struggled to keep her eyes open since. She eventually relaxed and then she looked at me and started mouthing things I couldn’t hear. Soon after her breathing slowed way down and then stopped but not long after she made this awful gasping and moaning sound like she was in terrible pain, her eyes were wide open again and she looked at me like she was terrified and then she died. I’ve been traumatized since. I can’t get the look that was on her face out of my mind. All I could think was that she had just seen something terrifying. She was a strong Christian woman, with great faith in God, so this has left me quite unsettled. I’ve been searching for answers since and what you wrote here is the first thing I’ve come across that’s discussed this sort of experience. I appreciate your talking openly about this as it’s quite a horrible experience to go through.
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BK Books replied:
Lesley, I am so sorry you were frightened by your mother’s last minutes. What you describe I have seen many times. I don’t think it is fear or seeing something scary. I think it is part of the struggle to release from this heavy body. The little chick breaking free of its shell. Let go of the scary part and remember her life and your relationship. Know you had a gift of being with her, to say goodbye as she began her new journey. Blessings Barbara
Angela Hudson
It has been 7 months since the passing of my Husband from Pancreatic Cancer Stage 4 and Prostate Cancer. We were only married for 2 years. Before he died my baby had a frown. I felt that although he was so tired, and fought a good fight, he was upset about having to leave me. Your article puts it all into perspective. Thank you & God Bless You!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Angela, so glad you found reassurance for the meaning of your husband’s frown. My blessings are with you. Barbara
It has been 7 months since the passing of my Husband from Pancreatic Cancer Stage 4 and Prostate Cancer. We were only married for 2 years. Before he died my baby had a frown. I felt that although he was so tired, and fought a good fight, he was upset about having to leave me. Your article puts it all into perspective. Thank you & God Bless You!
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BK Books replied:
Hi Angela, so glad you found reassurance for the meaning of your husband’s frown. My blessings are with you. Barbara
Bridget McGowan
My husband passed away April 3, 2022
Eight days ago. He suffered for 3 years after diagnosis. Congestive Heart Failure, Pulmonary Fibrosis. I was his caregiver. He had been on hospice 6 days. Was in and out of the hospital Feb. and March. Came home March 28 to be put on hospice. Our adult daughter came to help me Wednesday before he passed. That morning his breathing was different. He was on high flow oxygen 24/7. But that morning it was different. I told him I was going to check his blood sugar, which I did and he did not need a shot. I told him no shot honey. He wasn’t very responsive. He did say he needed to pee with urgency in his voice. I put the urinal there but he couldn’t I asked his daughter to help me, she couldn’t get him to go either. I called the nurse and told of his urgency and the breathing when I hear our daughter yell for me. I ran into the room seeing him raising his head with that grimace face that you speak of. Then all of a sudden a calmness came over his face he laid it back on the pillow. I whispered in his ear, my darling it’s ok you can go, go with it. I put my head to his chest to hear heart beat I heard one beat then silence. It all stopped. Everything stopped.
I take comfort in your words up there and I thank you. 💔
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BK Books replied:
Hi Bridget, thank you for sharing your husband’s experience with us. Once we know that a facial expression of some sort is what most people do just before they take their last breath, then we can let go of the idea that something pathological happened. Blessings! Barbara
My husband passed away April 3, 2022
Eight days ago. He suffered for 3 years after diagnosis. Congestive Heart Failure, Pulmonary Fibrosis. I was his caregiver. He had been on hospice 6 days. Was in and out of the hospital Feb. and March. Came home March 28 to be put on hospice. Our adult daughter came to help me Wednesday before he passed. That morning his breathing was different. He was on high flow oxygen 24/7. But that morning it was different. I told him I was going to check his blood sugar, which I did and he did not need a shot. I told him no shot honey. He wasn’t very responsive. He did say he needed to pee with urgency in his voice. I put the urinal there but he couldn’t I asked his daughter to help me, she couldn’t get him to go either. I called the nurse and told of his urgency and the breathing when I hear our daughter yell for me. I ran into the room seeing him raising his head with that grimace face that you speak of. Then all of a sudden a calmness came over his face he laid it back on the pillow. I whispered in his ear, my darling it’s ok you can go, go with it. I put my head to his chest to hear heart beat I heard one beat then silence. It all stopped. Everything stopped.
I take comfort in your words up there and I thank you. 💔
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BK Books replied:
Hi Bridget, thank you for sharing your husband’s experience with us. Once we know that a facial expression of some sort is what most people do just before they take their last breath, then we can let go of the idea that something pathological happened. Blessings! Barbara
Penny Hope
Hello Barbara – thank you for this space. I have been looking through the internet for answers and finally found you. Thank goodness for you sharing this information. My dad just died last night after a long struggle with Alzheimer’s disease. My mom and I were there when he finally, finally was able to go. He had a very bizarre, lower jaw snap up into a strange grinning grimace, took another breath, had another grimace and was gone. He had a slow, very long journey and for him to have died was a relief for him I am sure. Thank you for sharing that this is all about the struggle to leave the body/shell behind. Thank you so very much.
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BK Books replied:
Penny, thank you for sharing your father’s last moments with me. It sounds
like he did just what he needed to do to get out of his body. You might
write him a letter and put everything your heart and tears want to tell
him, burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Blessings to you
and your family. Barbara
Hello Barbara – thank you for this space. I have been looking through the internet for answers and finally found you. Thank goodness for you sharing this information. My dad just died last night after a long struggle with Alzheimer’s disease. My mom and I were there when he finally, finally was able to go. He had a very bizarre, lower jaw snap up into a strange grinning grimace, took another breath, had another grimace and was gone. He had a slow, very long journey and for him to have died was a relief for him I am sure. Thank you for sharing that this is all about the struggle to leave the body/shell behind. Thank you so very much.
———
BK Books replied:
Penny, thank you for sharing your father’s last moments with me. It sounds
like he did just what he needed to do to get out of his body. You might
write him a letter and put everything your heart and tears want to tell
him, burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Blessings to you
and your family. Barbara
Dale
My 34 year old son passed in his sleep alone from effects of hemochromatosis. His heart was extremely enlarged. It haunts me that I was not by his side. He kept the extent of his illness from us. We were on vacation and his friends were going to visit for several days while we were gone. They were unable to come. Had I known, I would have come home because I knew he had an injured leg. He had lost weight but would always say he was watching his diet. He had been overweight and I didn’t want to discourage him if he wished to lose weight. But, we believe the facts are he knew what was happening. He knew his time was short. He did not tell anyone- not a friend, family. No one. He suffered in silence for over 2 years. This is all causing a lot of problems for me. I live with extreme guilt. What is passing like when it happens during sleep. I am so afraid that he was frightened or felt abandoned. The pain of grief is debilitating. I miss my son so much.
———
BK Books replied:
Dale, I am so sorry for the anguish you are experiencing. Here are my thoughts: I really don’t know what happens when you die in your sleep. My guess is you are having a dream, your heart stops and you are dead. I know that most people will tell you they would like to just go to sleep and not wake up (it skips the hard part of the labor to get out of the body). People die according to their personality. By not sharing his illness with you your son was protecting you and his family from his challenges. Was that part of his personality pattern? You might write your son a letter. Put all of your thoughts, concerns, regrets, “I wish I had”, tears, on paper. Everything you would say if you could then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind . Let go of the weight of guilt that you are carrying and let how well you live your live now be your gift to your son. If you would like to correspond with me further use my personal email barbara@bkbooks. com. Blessings! Barbara
My 34 year old son passed in his sleep alone from effects of hemochromatosis. His heart was extremely enlarged. It haunts me that I was not by his side. He kept the extent of his illness from us. We were on vacation and his friends were going to visit for several days while we were gone. They were unable to come. Had I known, I would have come home because I knew he had an injured leg. He had lost weight but would always say he was watching his diet. He had been overweight and I didn’t want to discourage him if he wished to lose weight. But, we believe the facts are he knew what was happening. He knew his time was short. He did not tell anyone- not a friend, family. No one. He suffered in silence for over 2 years. This is all causing a lot of problems for me. I live with extreme guilt. What is passing like when it happens during sleep. I am so afraid that he was frightened or felt abandoned. The pain of grief is debilitating. I miss my son so much.
———
BK Books replied:
Dale, I am so sorry for the anguish you are experiencing. Here are my thoughts: I really don’t know what happens when you die in your sleep. My guess is you are having a dream, your heart stops and you are dead. I know that most people will tell you they would like to just go to sleep and not wake up (it skips the hard part of the labor to get out of the body). People die according to their personality. By not sharing his illness with you your son was protecting you and his family from his challenges. Was that part of his personality pattern? You might write your son a letter. Put all of your thoughts, concerns, regrets, “I wish I had”, tears, on paper. Everything you would say if you could then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind . Let go of the weight of guilt that you are carrying and let how well you live your live now be your gift to your son. If you would like to correspond with me further use my personal email barbara@bkbooks. com. Blessings! Barbara
Alyssa
Hi. My Dad passed two days ago after a vicious battle with cancer. He was 59. He passed surrounded by his parents, his wife, his daughters, his beloved dog, and his brothers. I came to the internet looking for answers and I’m thankful to have found you. We held vigil for days.. knowing it was coming, but I was unprepared for what happened. After being unresponsive for several hours, he shot up in bed screaming. Blood curdling screams. He was pushing at the air around him and kept repeating “I can’t go. I can’t go” followed by more screaming. This lasted for about a minute before he fell back, took a final breath, and passed away. I’ve never witnessed death, and I dont know if that was normal. I hate that its the last memory I have of him.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Alyssa, The last minutes before death give so many of us memories that last forever, memories of behaviour we don’t understand. We want explanations of what did the behavior mean, what was happening, did it hurt, why, why, why. Here are some things to think about, not answers but just food for thought: for some of us it is hard work to get out of our body; for all of us what we are experiencing is like a dream, distorted, unclear; for most of us there is a struggle to free ourselves from the shell of a body (think little chick, think labor); we die according to our personality and have limited control over the time that we die; generally what is spoken as we leave our bodies does not make sense to us the listeners; we, the watchers, will never get answers to the questions we ask as to the why’s of someone we watched die, why they did the things they did. What we can do is write them a letter, write all our concerns and love down on paper, then burn it and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release the no finding answers to questions and let the life you live going forward be a testament of the love you have for the person that is gone. Blessings! Barbara
Hi. My Dad passed two days ago after a vicious battle with cancer. He was 59. He passed surrounded by his parents, his wife, his daughters, his beloved dog, and his brothers. I came to the internet looking for answers and I’m thankful to have found you. We held vigil for days.. knowing it was coming, but I was unprepared for what happened. After being unresponsive for several hours, he shot up in bed screaming. Blood curdling screams. He was pushing at the air around him and kept repeating “I can’t go. I can’t go” followed by more screaming. This lasted for about a minute before he fell back, took a final breath, and passed away. I’ve never witnessed death, and I dont know if that was normal. I hate that its the last memory I have of him.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Alyssa, The last minutes before death give so many of us memories that last forever, memories of behaviour we don’t understand. We want explanations of what did the behavior mean, what was happening, did it hurt, why, why, why. Here are some things to think about, not answers but just food for thought: for some of us it is hard work to get out of our body; for all of us what we are experiencing is like a dream, distorted, unclear; for most of us there is a struggle to free ourselves from the shell of a body (think little chick, think labor); we die according to our personality and have limited control over the time that we die; generally what is spoken as we leave our bodies does not make sense to us the listeners; we, the watchers, will never get answers to the questions we ask as to the why’s of someone we watched die, why they did the things they did. What we can do is write them a letter, write all our concerns and love down on paper, then burn it and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release the no finding answers to questions and let the life you live going forward be a testament of the love you have for the person that is gone. Blessings! Barbara
Susan
Hi Barbara, I to cannot get the vision of my husband’s last breath from my mind, he let out a loud scream & passed away seconds later, he wasn’t ill, it was just a normal morning & he had a heart attack so suddenly & out the blue … I still ask why & how this could be, maybe reading your book will give me the answer I need.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, those last moments when a person is freed from our physical connection are shocking, disturbing and frightening for us the watchers. It’s that final push to break free that seems to leave the lasting memory. You might write your husband a letter. Put all the words and thoughts that you would have said if you had known you didn’t have time to say them on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release what you have been holding inside. My blessings and thoughts are with you. Barbara
Hi Barbara, I to cannot get the vision of my husband’s last breath from my mind, he let out a loud scream & passed away seconds later, he wasn’t ill, it was just a normal morning & he had a heart attack so suddenly & out the blue … I still ask why & how this could be, maybe reading your book will give me the answer I need.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Susan, those last moments when a person is freed from our physical connection are shocking, disturbing and frightening for us the watchers. It’s that final push to break free that seems to leave the lasting memory. You might write your husband a letter. Put all the words and thoughts that you would have said if you had known you didn’t have time to say them on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Release what you have been holding inside. My blessings and thoughts are with you. Barbara
Cindy
Thank you for addressing these situations in your blog. When my husband recently passed, he did not have the peaceful look or grimace during his last breaths. Instead, he had been lying prone in the hospital bed, sat straight up and began jerking about until he fell back down and passed away. It was horrible to watch and not at all what I had expected. I’m sure he was struggling to stay with me, but in the end, knew he had to go. I have not seen this type of dying of the physical body addressed, but also understand it’s tough to discuss such a personal moment.
Thank you for helping to bring clarity of the death process so that we can better understand it and help in our individual grieving.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Cindy, about your husband sitting straight up just before he died. The body often does unusual, make no sense movements. I have had several sit up, even say a few words, and then lay back down and stop breathing. That final release is so unexplainable, and for us the watchers confusing and often scary. I can say that nothing bad was happening. What you saw was his final push to be free of a no longer functioning body. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for addressing these situations in your blog. When my husband recently passed, he did not have the peaceful look or grimace during his last breaths. Instead, he had been lying prone in the hospital bed, sat straight up and began jerking about until he fell back down and passed away. It was horrible to watch and not at all what I had expected. I’m sure he was struggling to stay with me, but in the end, knew he had to go. I have not seen this type of dying of the physical body addressed, but also understand it’s tough to discuss such a personal moment.
Thank you for helping to bring clarity of the death process so that we can better understand it and help in our individual grieving.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Cindy, about your husband sitting straight up just before he died. The body often does unusual, make no sense movements. I have had several sit up, even say a few words, and then lay back down and stop breathing. That final release is so unexplainable, and for us the watchers confusing and often scary. I can say that nothing bad was happening. What you saw was his final push to be free of a no longer functioning body. Blessings! Barbara
barbara karnes
Hi Sylvia, You commented that your mom’s dying facial expression has stayed with you. I know some of those images stay with us. Just remind yourself that what you saw was that last tug, or pull to be free. Use that moment to send your mom a thought of love.
Blessings! Barbara
Hi Sylvia, You commented that your mom’s dying facial expression has stayed with you. I know some of those images stay with us. Just remind yourself that what you saw was that last tug, or pull to be free. Use that moment to send your mom a thought of love.
Blessings! Barbara
Sylvia
I too was at my moms bedside when she took her last breath and she made a scary expression like something hurt really bad for a second and then went limp. I keep picturing that over and over and it makes me very sad.
I too was at my moms bedside when she took her last breath and she made a scary expression like something hurt really bad for a second and then went limp. I keep picturing that over and over and it makes me very sad.
barbara karnes
Hi Maria, thank you so much for sharing the dying moments you had with your mom. How beautiful! You met her where she was, supported her and loved her through her birth into the other world. Good work Barbara
Hi Maria, thank you so much for sharing the dying moments you had with your mom. How beautiful! You met her where she was, supported her and loved her through her birth into the other world. Good work Barbara
MARIA DMARCO
I was fortunate to have a wonderful hospice volunteer with me decades ago when my mom passed. She gave me our book and told me what to expect. All went well, and then the final night came and she fought us, literally, to get out of bed, saying she ‘had to go’ and apparently equating that with going to the bathroom. I told her she had a catheter, she frowned and said okay. Several hours later, she was ready to leave, all the lights in the house were flashing wildly, and I told her repeatedly that we were okay and she could go to the party that awaited her. She sighed once and her jaw went slack. I believe we helped her leave by grounding her in reality for one moment, then pointing her to all those waiting in the ‘wings’ for her to release.
Thank you eternally for all your wonderful work.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful hospice volunteer with me decades ago when my mom passed. She gave me our book and told me what to expect. All went well, and then the final night came and she fought us, literally, to get out of bed, saying she ‘had to go’ and apparently equating that with going to the bathroom. I told her she had a catheter, she frowned and said okay. Several hours later, she was ready to leave, all the lights in the house were flashing wildly, and I told her repeatedly that we were okay and she could go to the party that awaited her. She sighed once and her jaw went slack. I believe we helped her leave by grounding her in reality for one moment, then pointing her to all those waiting in the ‘wings’ for her to release.
Thank you eternally for all your wonderful work.
barbara karnes
Hi Fiona, thank you for sharing your experience of your father’s last breaths. I really liked the “squeezy hug” of welcome. I to believe our loved ones are there to welcome us home. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Fiona, thank you for sharing your experience of your father’s last breaths. I really liked the “squeezy hug” of welcome. I to believe our loved ones are there to welcome us home. Blessings! Barbara
Fiona
I was with my dad when he passed in January last year. He gimaced 3 times just as he passed and my mum & I were unsure of what it was. I have taken comfort in thinking of it as you describe but also like to think it was him being welcomed on the other side, wherever that is, by people he knew, his family meeting him. When my kids were small they used to give us a ‘squeezy hug’ so that’s what I think of, he was being hugged tightly by people who loved him and that’s why he made the face. sounds daft I know but he had been unwell for some time and his passing was peaceful for him. I feel very privileged to have been able to be with him as he slipped away.
I was with my dad when he passed in January last year. He gimaced 3 times just as he passed and my mum & I were unsure of what it was. I have taken comfort in thinking of it as you describe but also like to think it was him being welcomed on the other side, wherever that is, by people he knew, his family meeting him. When my kids were small they used to give us a ‘squeezy hug’ so that’s what I think of, he was being hugged tightly by people who loved him and that’s why he made the face. sounds daft I know but he had been unwell for some time and his passing was peaceful for him. I feel very privileged to have been able to be with him as he slipped away.
barbara karnes
Hi Michelle, about your mum’s grimace followed by 3 long breathes, at the risk of sounding insensitive what you described is "perfect textbook”. Yes, I think it is the moment the soul, that part of us that makes us who we are, the driver of our vehicle, leaves the body. The last remaining breathes are just the rest of the air leaving the lungs, the rest of the energy leaving the body. It’s the final disconnect, a “ tug”, to completely release. As scary as it was to watch know your mum did a good job of leaving her body, nothing bad happened. You might write her a letter. Put all your thoughts, love, tears, those things you didn’t say but wish you had, on paper. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how you live your life going forward be the testament of your love for her. Blessings to you. Barbara
Hi Michelle, about your mum’s grimace followed by 3 long breathes, at the risk of sounding insensitive what you described is "perfect textbook”. Yes, I think it is the moment the soul, that part of us that makes us who we are, the driver of our vehicle, leaves the body. The last remaining breathes are just the rest of the air leaving the lungs, the rest of the energy leaving the body. It’s the final disconnect, a “ tug”, to completely release. As scary as it was to watch know your mum did a good job of leaving her body, nothing bad happened. You might write her a letter. Put all your thoughts, love, tears, those things you didn’t say but wish you had, on paper. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how you live your life going forward be the testament of your love for her. Blessings to you. Barbara
Michelle Smithies
I was with my Mum 2 days ago when she passed. It was peaceful but at the final moment she grimaced and I can’t get it out of my mind. It was like her whole face changed. She took 3 final breathes and was gone. I feel after reading this that it was her soul leaving her. Can anyone help me with this?
I was with my Mum 2 days ago when she passed. It was peaceful but at the final moment she grimaced and I can’t get it out of my mind. It was like her whole face changed. She took 3 final breathes and was gone. I feel after reading this that it was her soul leaving her. Can anyone help me with this?
Ann McGregor
Thank you Barbara for sharing your knowledge and wisdom ,again . My mother when recently dying at home , opened her eyes and did a silent scream , terrible to experience . Thank you for letting me know that this was a part of the dying process that you have experienced .
Thank you Barbara for sharing your knowledge and wisdom ,again . My mother when recently dying at home , opened her eyes and did a silent scream , terrible to experience . Thank you for letting me know that this was a part of the dying process that you have experienced .
Christiane E Rostig
As always, thanx for being a light in all this. Blessings:::
As always, thanx for being a light in all this. Blessings:::
Deborah Whitcomb
thank you Barbara for sharing this wisdom. I too wish families had the understanding and support of the sacredness of the dying process, the final act of surrender, I am a physician assistant working in geriatrics in assisted living facilities. looking forward to receiving the end of life series and exploring how I can bring this valuable insight/ information out into the community.
Deb Whitcomb PA-C
thank you Barbara for sharing this wisdom. I too wish families had the understanding and support of the sacredness of the dying process, the final act of surrender, I am a physician assistant working in geriatrics in assisted living facilities. looking forward to receiving the end of life series and exploring how I can bring this valuable insight/ information out into the community.
Deb Whitcomb PA-C