Dear Barbara, The emptiness left behind after a loved one dies. What do I do with it?
Emptiness is one of the aspects of grieving, experiencing that hole in our life and heart left by the person who has died. We know that hole must be filled with living but early in our grief experience it seems an overwhelming task just to get out of bed let alone figure out how to move forward into building a new life, and most of all a new life without the person who filled the emptiness we are now feeling.
My answer is simple yet the hardest to understand. Time. Time will fill in the emptiness. No words, no pills, not even all the activities you can find to keep doing will fill the emptiness; only time.
At first the pain and emptiness of loss is with us every waking and even sleeping moment. Over a period of months we gradually begin to see life moving around us through less pain. Life becomes less clouded by our grieving. But know we do not recover or even heal from grief. We learn how to live with it. We learn how to go on living without the person who was once so much a part of our life. That doesn’t mean we forget about them or we care less for them, we just learn how to go on living without their physical presence.
On many levels, we recognize we must figure out how to go on living with the loss in our hearts. Some of us start running, keeping so busy we can’t think or feel our loss. Some of us fight depression and lethargy as our grief becomes a heavy weight that keeps us from moving. We can rationalize, we can cry, we can be angry, we can eat too much, we can eat too little. All of these actions become our way of filling the emptiness. None of it works--we are still empty.
What to do? Be gentle with yourself. Accept the down days, strive for the better days. Don’t run too fast or walk too slow. Allow yourself to experience the feelings but gently help yourself out of them. Reach out to others (easier said than done). Cry when you need to and allow yourself to laugh and enjoy the life you still have. In the months following the death of your special person begin to think about how your life can be a tribute to the one who is gone. It isn’t how many tears that are shed that says how much we love and miss a person. Let how well you go on living say how much you love.
Emptiness is a normal, natural part of the grieving process. I also acknowledge the hollowness of words from others to “make it better.”
Something More about... The Emptiness of Grief
You may want to read my booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience to help guide you through your bereavement.
18 comments
Diego
I lost the most precious living being in the world, my girlfriend, my partner during harsh and calm moments, the one that was on the trenches by my side, that taught me so much, due to a horrible cancer that was once healed (2017) and then returned (2021), and took her from me at the age of 31… I know that it’s unfair to bear the feeling of having lost something that wasn’t mine in the first place, now realising it in a much more realistic way, in the sense that all of us will end up dying someday, and that this is the only certainty we have… However, I also feel that as we were so deeply connected in heart and soul, I felt with her every bit of pain and suffering from the disease, in my heart… On the one hand I feel truly relieved to know that she is not facing those traumatic and horrible pains that afflicted her for so long, but on the other hand, not having her by my side aches my heart so deeply every day and night. It’s been over ten months since she died, literally in my arms, and I thank God that I can still feel her spiritual presence every now and then… She was a very faithful warrior, who went into the darkest alleys ever and even so did not lose her faith in God. She will be forever an example for me, and I appreciate the author’s perspective on living our seemingly empty life as a tribute for our loved ones, as I really feel that way. My partner was intellectually brilliant, she came from a humble reality and reached a certain level where she was the only one in her class who was granted a doctorate scholarship to study abroad… She continues to motivate me, but I feel really sorry for not being able to hold her hand, look very deeply into her eyes as I used to, and say how much I still love her… I’ve been facing dark times since she left, then I realised I have depression, and being more conscious about this condition allowed me to seek for treatment (like a couple of months ago), and now I feel a bit better about the whole situation… As it was a really traumatic event, it took me six months to start processing it and facing it in a healthier way… If I can give a tip to anyone who might relate to my story, what is also helping me is to truly believe we are all going to die someday and reunite with our loved ones, as long as we continue to spread love, affection and care for others, in the same way our loved ones did… Another thing that helps me is to recognise that, although we had personal plans of marriage and creating our home and family somewhere, the universe or God (however you may call it) might have other plans that could lead us to brighter days… My spirituality has helped me to act with more humility over things that are outside of my control, such as a disease, a tragic accident etc… I like to thing she is my guiding star, my shiny moon in a dark night, and my sunshine in a summer day… Being more connected with nature has also helped me establishing these connections and thoughts, and solitude was necessary for me to process everything. Fortitude comes from the inside, given by this magnificent light that forever guides and protect us, amen!
———
BK Books replied:
Diego, thank you for sharing. Your love filled heart is shining through your words. Blessings! Barbara
I lost the most precious living being in the world, my girlfriend, my partner during harsh and calm moments, the one that was on the trenches by my side, that taught me so much, due to a horrible cancer that was once healed (2017) and then returned (2021), and took her from me at the age of 31… I know that it’s unfair to bear the feeling of having lost something that wasn’t mine in the first place, now realising it in a much more realistic way, in the sense that all of us will end up dying someday, and that this is the only certainty we have… However, I also feel that as we were so deeply connected in heart and soul, I felt with her every bit of pain and suffering from the disease, in my heart… On the one hand I feel truly relieved to know that she is not facing those traumatic and horrible pains that afflicted her for so long, but on the other hand, not having her by my side aches my heart so deeply every day and night. It’s been over ten months since she died, literally in my arms, and I thank God that I can still feel her spiritual presence every now and then… She was a very faithful warrior, who went into the darkest alleys ever and even so did not lose her faith in God. She will be forever an example for me, and I appreciate the author’s perspective on living our seemingly empty life as a tribute for our loved ones, as I really feel that way. My partner was intellectually brilliant, she came from a humble reality and reached a certain level where she was the only one in her class who was granted a doctorate scholarship to study abroad… She continues to motivate me, but I feel really sorry for not being able to hold her hand, look very deeply into her eyes as I used to, and say how much I still love her… I’ve been facing dark times since she left, then I realised I have depression, and being more conscious about this condition allowed me to seek for treatment (like a couple of months ago), and now I feel a bit better about the whole situation… As it was a really traumatic event, it took me six months to start processing it and facing it in a healthier way… If I can give a tip to anyone who might relate to my story, what is also helping me is to truly believe we are all going to die someday and reunite with our loved ones, as long as we continue to spread love, affection and care for others, in the same way our loved ones did… Another thing that helps me is to recognise that, although we had personal plans of marriage and creating our home and family somewhere, the universe or God (however you may call it) might have other plans that could lead us to brighter days… My spirituality has helped me to act with more humility over things that are outside of my control, such as a disease, a tragic accident etc… I like to thing she is my guiding star, my shiny moon in a dark night, and my sunshine in a summer day… Being more connected with nature has also helped me establishing these connections and thoughts, and solitude was necessary for me to process everything. Fortitude comes from the inside, given by this magnificent light that forever guides and protect us, amen!
———
BK Books replied:
Diego, thank you for sharing. Your love filled heart is shining through your words. Blessings! Barbara
Kenna
I just lost my sister on Thursday. And empty is the only way I can describe the feeling I’ve been having. We didn’t talk all of the time like we used to due to her … Anyway, she was only 31 and had staph infection which led to her having some strokes and pneumonia and seizures and it all just unraveled so fast. It’s hard to wrap my head around what has happened it feels so fake, and empty is all, all of the words that makes sense.
———
BK Books replied:
Kenna, I am so sorry for your loss of your sister. Sisters aren’t suppose
to die at any age, let alone 31. You might write her a letter. Put
everything , all the thoughts, words, tears, feelings that you are holding
inside down on paper. Write everything that is in your heart then burn the
letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life
be the tribute of your feelings for her. Blessings! Barbara
I just lost my sister on Thursday. And empty is the only way I can describe the feeling I’ve been having. We didn’t talk all of the time like we used to due to her … Anyway, she was only 31 and had staph infection which led to her having some strokes and pneumonia and seizures and it all just unraveled so fast. It’s hard to wrap my head around what has happened it feels so fake, and empty is all, all of the words that makes sense.
———
BK Books replied:
Kenna, I am so sorry for your loss of your sister. Sisters aren’t suppose
to die at any age, let alone 31. You might write her a letter. Put
everything , all the thoughts, words, tears, feelings that you are holding
inside down on paper. Write everything that is in your heart then burn the
letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life
be the tribute of your feelings for her. Blessings! Barbara
barbara
Hi Rav, an interesting part of life is we tend to not appreciate something until it is gone. So normal but doesn’t make it hurt any less. You might write your dad a letter and tell him from your heart all the thoughts and feelings you are having with him gone—the I wish I had, the how much you miss him. Write from your heart and tears and then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. It might be good for your mum to write one also. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Rav, an interesting part of life is we tend to not appreciate something until it is gone. So normal but doesn’t make it hurt any less. You might write your dad a letter and tell him from your heart all the thoughts and feelings you are having with him gone—the I wish I had, the how much you miss him. Write from your heart and tears and then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. It might be good for your mum to write one also. Blessings! Barbara
Rav
I just lost my Dad to cancer at the beginning of July. He had been fighting it for almost two years and I really felt he was getting better, then all of a sudden he started declining. To begin with I was in shock and now the reality has started to hit. Me and my mum took care of him the last 10 months as he had lost his mobility. I never use to have time to do anything because I would be helping to care for my Dad. I use to complain all the time because I never got time to just do what I wanted. Now I feel so guilty for feeling like that. I’d give anything to go back and care for my Dad. The emptiness I feel is horrible. Me and my mum are really struggling. It’s just me and her left in the house now. My brothers don’t even come to check up on her and it’s really frustrating me. I just feel so lost right now.
I just lost my Dad to cancer at the beginning of July. He had been fighting it for almost two years and I really felt he was getting better, then all of a sudden he started declining. To begin with I was in shock and now the reality has started to hit. Me and my mum took care of him the last 10 months as he had lost his mobility. I never use to have time to do anything because I would be helping to care for my Dad. I use to complain all the time because I never got time to just do what I wanted. Now I feel so guilty for feeling like that. I’d give anything to go back and care for my Dad. The emptiness I feel is horrible. Me and my mum are really struggling. It’s just me and her left in the house now. My brothers don’t even come to check up on her and it’s really frustrating me. I just feel so lost right now.
Jasleen
I lost my beloved mother in March 2020.. my
Life has been so empty without her.. I have no clue how I m gonna live my long life with the only person who loved me more than herself.
I
May never recover. I miss her.. I cry every night n every day n all the time…
Reading the lines made me feel I can relate the way of pain mentioned in article…
Thank you
I lost my beloved mother in March 2020.. my
Life has been so empty without her.. I have no clue how I m gonna live my long life with the only person who loved me more than herself.
I
May never recover. I miss her.. I cry every night n every day n all the time…
Reading the lines made me feel I can relate the way of pain mentioned in article…
Thank you
Ellen
I just lost my sister. She was my second mom. She had Parkinson’s and it is a very dehabilatating disease. She lived 6 hours away,so it was difficult to see her often. I’m so happy she isn’t suffering but I feel SO empty. I was closest to her and my other sibling who died three years ago. I am grateful for my supportive husband, children and know it takes time to grieve.
I just lost my sister. She was my second mom. She had Parkinson’s and it is a very dehabilatating disease. She lived 6 hours away,so it was difficult to see her often. I’m so happy she isn’t suffering but I feel SO empty. I was closest to her and my other sibling who died three years ago. I am grateful for my supportive husband, children and know it takes time to grieve.
Gill
The anniversary of my husbands death is approaching and I’m feeling sad and empty. He died 13 years ago. It’s very true that you never stop missing a loved one, just have to learn to live with it. I wish I could be happier, but I don’t think I ever will. My heart has a big hole in it left by his death. Don’t get me wrong, I live my life, I work, have a lovely family and grandchildren, friends and a partner of 3 years. Previous to him, I was with someone for 6 years. But they aren’t him. He was my soulmate, my best friend and we met very young and married young, grew up together and had a family. He can’t be replaced, I understand that, but I miss him so very much and I miss the life we had too. I feel sad for all the things he has missed. He would of so loved the 10 grandkids we have now, would of loved that he could teach them stuff and they would of adored him. It’s always worse this time of year as he died on 2 January and was taken to the hospice on Christmas Eve. People ask me if I’m looking forward to Christmas…… I smile and say yes…. but I hate it. Thank you for your wise and kind words. I will allow myself this sadness and these tears. Xx
The anniversary of my husbands death is approaching and I’m feeling sad and empty. He died 13 years ago. It’s very true that you never stop missing a loved one, just have to learn to live with it. I wish I could be happier, but I don’t think I ever will. My heart has a big hole in it left by his death. Don’t get me wrong, I live my life, I work, have a lovely family and grandchildren, friends and a partner of 3 years. Previous to him, I was with someone for 6 years. But they aren’t him. He was my soulmate, my best friend and we met very young and married young, grew up together and had a family. He can’t be replaced, I understand that, but I miss him so very much and I miss the life we had too. I feel sad for all the things he has missed. He would of so loved the 10 grandkids we have now, would of loved that he could teach them stuff and they would of adored him. It’s always worse this time of year as he died on 2 January and was taken to the hospice on Christmas Eve. People ask me if I’m looking forward to Christmas…… I smile and say yes…. but I hate it. Thank you for your wise and kind words. I will allow myself this sadness and these tears. Xx
Vanessa Stirling
Sometimes things about the loss of a loved one gets so fuzzy and confusing. So many questions and little answers are known. But your post brought comfort and clarity on where I’m at right now in the process of losing my only 35 year old sweet son, Joshua. He passed last June 12th, 2018 from a sickle cell fatal crises and it has been devastating to say the least. I feel guilty to move on without him. I feel at peace he’s no longer in pain but then it will sway back to wanting him physically here with me because I miss him so much. Thank you for giving me insight on this agonizing grief process of loss and guide through the process.
Sometimes things about the loss of a loved one gets so fuzzy and confusing. So many questions and little answers are known. But your post brought comfort and clarity on where I’m at right now in the process of losing my only 35 year old sweet son, Joshua. He passed last June 12th, 2018 from a sickle cell fatal crises and it has been devastating to say the least. I feel guilty to move on without him. I feel at peace he’s no longer in pain but then it will sway back to wanting him physically here with me because I miss him so much. Thank you for giving me insight on this agonizing grief process of loss and guide through the process.
Stephanie Spataro
Grief is something that can last forever. Especially with love. It has been 14 years since my first love passed away and his birthday is today. Still shedding tears 14 years later. I will take your kind words and remember to take it easy today. 💔 Definitely feel that hole in my heart today.
Grief is something that can last forever. Especially with love. It has been 14 years since my first love passed away and his birthday is today. Still shedding tears 14 years later. I will take your kind words and remember to take it easy today. 💔 Definitely feel that hole in my heart today.
Barbara
Little Flower, I am so sorry for your loss. At a time like this there are no words to bring comfort. You might write your sister a letter. Put all of your tears, feelings and thoughts on paper. With love and confusion in your heart write about the good times, the challenging times, the guilt, the frustration, the overwhelming sadness. Put it all down on paper. Then burn the letter and release the ashes to the sky, to the wind. You might help your mother do the same. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Little Flower, I am so sorry for your loss. At a time like this there are no words to bring comfort. You might write your sister a letter. Put all of your tears, feelings and thoughts on paper. With love and confusion in your heart write about the good times, the challenging times, the guilt, the frustration, the overwhelming sadness. Put it all down on paper. Then burn the letter and release the ashes to the sky, to the wind. You might help your mother do the same. My blessings are with you and your family. Barbara
Littleflower
I just lost my sister to suicide, and the emptiness is so raw. The unanswered questions we will never know. why didn’t any of us see how bad it was for her. How could she. why did she. watching the pain my 93 year old mother is going through the guilt so many of us feel, the never to hear her voice again or see her vibrant smile. my heart hurts so much. trying to be strong for other family and reaching out to all her friends who loved her so much and their hurt. I just want my sister back. I know she is with the lord because he is a loving God and has found her peace and forever a sweet angel and with my dad. just getting through the day sometimes feels impossible. I know time will help and one day at a time, however sometimes it is one minute at a time.
I just lost my sister to suicide, and the emptiness is so raw. The unanswered questions we will never know. why didn’t any of us see how bad it was for her. How could she. why did she. watching the pain my 93 year old mother is going through the guilt so many of us feel, the never to hear her voice again or see her vibrant smile. my heart hurts so much. trying to be strong for other family and reaching out to all her friends who loved her so much and their hurt. I just want my sister back. I know she is with the lord because he is a loving God and has found her peace and forever a sweet angel and with my dad. just getting through the day sometimes feels impossible. I know time will help and one day at a time, however sometimes it is one minute at a time.
Janet
At last i have found people who understand how I feel.,,,
I’ feel for you all having lost my Lovely kind caring Dad to dementia 15 month a ago,
I have this awful emptiness inside..when I go out I feel lost, restless its awful but I’m hoping time will heal xx
At last i have found people who understand how I feel.,,,
I’ feel for you all having lost my Lovely kind caring Dad to dementia 15 month a ago,
I have this awful emptiness inside..when I go out I feel lost, restless its awful but I’m hoping time will heal xx
Scott McGowan
My wife of 23 years with no known heart condition dies of a sudden cardiac arrest in August of 2017. We were also in business together for a little over 20 years at the time of her passing. The feelings of emptiness were quite profound for the first few months – a whole different aspect of the experience of loss apart from the pain and sadness.
After 8 months I find that the emptiness is still there, but is, in a sense more in the background rather than the foreground of my mind. I use my time differently. Her absence seems more foreign and strange at this point than upsetting. I’m not sure how else to describe it. It’s like I’m a stranger in my own life, yet I have adjusted to this odd dimension of my existence, especially when I am home.
I have cried my heart out and most days now I just have a moment or two on average of tears. It happens at unpredictable times, but I know to expect it to wash over me at some point or two during the day. It’s just seems odd that it only lasts half a minute or less because crying my heart out had come to be such an unpleasant but new, normal.
I don’t feel guilty to be feeling better. I’m happy to be feeling better and I know she would want me to heal and keep moving forward with a better quality of life.
It is so odd for “we” to have become “me”, especially with no warning.
I was finishing authoring a book with her help at the time of her fatal cardiac arrest. I returned to it 7 months later and it is now up on Amazon.
How strange for her to not have shared that exciting moment of accomplishment. How strange to not be able to watch movies together and share our thoughts on the commercial breaks. No more lazy days together. No more nights out singing karaoke or dancing to a band we both like. No more inside jokes. No more running a business together. No more helping our 19 year old son transition and grow into young adulthood. No more vacations together.
What a harsh reality I have had to learn to accept. Though she was 15 years my senior, we were soulmates and thought we had another 10 to 15 years to grow old together.
She always told me that she knew she would pass before me and that she wanted me to find someone else. Just never thought it would be so soon, let alone without warning. We were getting ready to plan and pay for a winter tropical vacation.
I know I’ll find someone else. It’s just a matter of time and some more healing. Dating sites seem like a crapshoot. I’m sure it will seem strange for awhile when I find the next right someone.
The future has never seemed so uncertain to me. At age 51 I am starting back at square one as far as having a life partner / companion.
I know she would want me to view this prospect as an adventure, but she’s still my first choice, but like Mrs. Sandberg’s book states, option A no longer exists….
Life goes on and I will make the best of everything and do her proud by slowly beginning to live life more and more fully once again…
My wife of 23 years with no known heart condition dies of a sudden cardiac arrest in August of 2017. We were also in business together for a little over 20 years at the time of her passing. The feelings of emptiness were quite profound for the first few months – a whole different aspect of the experience of loss apart from the pain and sadness.
After 8 months I find that the emptiness is still there, but is, in a sense more in the background rather than the foreground of my mind. I use my time differently. Her absence seems more foreign and strange at this point than upsetting. I’m not sure how else to describe it. It’s like I’m a stranger in my own life, yet I have adjusted to this odd dimension of my existence, especially when I am home.
I have cried my heart out and most days now I just have a moment or two on average of tears. It happens at unpredictable times, but I know to expect it to wash over me at some point or two during the day. It’s just seems odd that it only lasts half a minute or less because crying my heart out had come to be such an unpleasant but new, normal.
I don’t feel guilty to be feeling better. I’m happy to be feeling better and I know she would want me to heal and keep moving forward with a better quality of life.
It is so odd for “we” to have become “me”, especially with no warning.
I was finishing authoring a book with her help at the time of her fatal cardiac arrest. I returned to it 7 months later and it is now up on Amazon.
How strange for her to not have shared that exciting moment of accomplishment. How strange to not be able to watch movies together and share our thoughts on the commercial breaks. No more lazy days together. No more nights out singing karaoke or dancing to a band we both like. No more inside jokes. No more running a business together. No more helping our 19 year old son transition and grow into young adulthood. No more vacations together.
What a harsh reality I have had to learn to accept. Though she was 15 years my senior, we were soulmates and thought we had another 10 to 15 years to grow old together.
She always told me that she knew she would pass before me and that she wanted me to find someone else. Just never thought it would be so soon, let alone without warning. We were getting ready to plan and pay for a winter tropical vacation.
I know I’ll find someone else. It’s just a matter of time and some more healing. Dating sites seem like a crapshoot. I’m sure it will seem strange for awhile when I find the next right someone.
The future has never seemed so uncertain to me. At age 51 I am starting back at square one as far as having a life partner / companion.
I know she would want me to view this prospect as an adventure, but she’s still my first choice, but like Mrs. Sandberg’s book states, option A no longer exists….
Life goes on and I will make the best of everything and do her proud by slowly beginning to live life more and more fully once again…
Steph
I disagree. I think a person can very well “heal” and “recover” from loss…and the grief that comes with it. Healing does not mean you won’t miss or long for your loved one. But missing and longing is not grief. Nor is it mourning. God bless everyone.
I disagree. I think a person can very well “heal” and “recover” from loss…and the grief that comes with it. Healing does not mean you won’t miss or long for your loved one. But missing and longing is not grief. Nor is it mourning. God bless everyone.
barbara karnes
Chris, I read your comment about the emptiness you are feeling. Your father’s death two months ago is still like an open wound, a gaping, ragged, horribly painful wound. This wound will gradually heal but the scar of that wound will always be there. Time is the only thing that heals the wound. You don’t recover, you don’t really heal (even though I just used the word) from grief, you learn how to live with it. Time fills in the space between the pain. This will get better. The challenge here is to live and love inspite of the loneliness.
My blessings are with you. Barbara
Chris, I read your comment about the emptiness you are feeling. Your father’s death two months ago is still like an open wound, a gaping, ragged, horribly painful wound. This wound will gradually heal but the scar of that wound will always be there. Time is the only thing that heals the wound. You don’t recover, you don’t really heal (even though I just used the word) from grief, you learn how to live with it. Time fills in the space between the pain. This will get better. The challenge here is to live and love inspite of the loneliness.
My blessings are with you. Barbara
Chris Fenton
My dad died suddenly two months ago at the age of 59. As an adult he became more like a close friend than a father and always put me and my two younger brothers first before his own needs. If I had issues with my wife or kids he would be the first port of call for advice. If I watched a great movie or tv show I would be on the phone talking to him about it. But now there is nobody on the other end of the line. My mentor is gone and now I need to move on without him but this is difficult. Things that I used to enjoy I don’t and a rarely look forward to events these days. I just feel hollow. Empty. I’ve experienced anxiety and depression in my past but this feels a lot different. I can still function, eat and sleep but I just feel like I’m going through the motions, like I’m on auto pilot or something. I’m assuming this is grief and things will get better but boy it sucks right now…
My dad died suddenly two months ago at the age of 59. As an adult he became more like a close friend than a father and always put me and my two younger brothers first before his own needs. If I had issues with my wife or kids he would be the first port of call for advice. If I watched a great movie or tv show I would be on the phone talking to him about it. But now there is nobody on the other end of the line. My mentor is gone and now I need to move on without him but this is difficult. Things that I used to enjoy I don’t and a rarely look forward to events these days. I just feel hollow. Empty. I’ve experienced anxiety and depression in my past but this feels a lot different. I can still function, eat and sleep but I just feel like I’m going through the motions, like I’m on auto pilot or something. I’m assuming this is grief and things will get better but boy it sucks right now…
Barbara Karnes
Pennu, I noticed your comments. As the article says "Emptiness is a normal, natural part of the grieving process. I also acknowledge the hollowness of words from others to “make it better.” I am sorry for your losses. Sometimes life is very, very difficult. Blessings to you. Barbara
Pennu, I noticed your comments. As the article says "Emptiness is a normal, natural part of the grieving process. I also acknowledge the hollowness of words from others to “make it better.” I am sorry for your losses. Sometimes life is very, very difficult. Blessings to you. Barbara
Pennu
I feel so much emptiness since my father died. I also lost my husband and my mother in the past 4 years
I feel so much emptiness since my father died. I also lost my husband and my mother in the past 4 years