I was thinking about birth and death at three o’clock this morning. I know most people are asleep at that hour—hopefully.
I was thinking how similar they are and that they create a circle. A circle of life.
We go through labor to get into this world. It can be easy and gentle or it can be a hard, wild ride. So it is with our labor to leave this world. Some of us go easier than others. For some it is gentle, for others it is very, very hard.
After we get to this world we take deep breaths and settle in to get adjusted. As we leave, our breathing gets slower and slower. We are relinquishing our need for breathing just as we gasped for air as we entered.
We are given water first, then milk, then soft foods, then gradually regular foods, eventually we eat whatever we want. As we are leaving, we first stop eating meat, then fruits and vegetables, then soft food, then milk in the form of protein supplements and finally, we just have water.
Are you seeing the circle?
We start off alone, then we have Mom and Dad, then family, friends, then the world of school, activities, and involvement in the bigger world around us. When we are leaving, we first become less interested in world events, favorite activities, then we withdraw from social activities, then from friends, and gradually family and loved ones as we go deeper and deeper into ourselves.
An infant sleeps most of the time (hopefully), then transitions to morning and afternoon naps, then to just afternoon naps, to being awake during the day and asleep at night. As we are leaving this world - either in the span of months if we have a disease, or years in the case of old age - we begin to take afternoon naps, then morning and afternoon naps, then one day we don’t get out of bed, then we are asleep more than we are awake. We generally die non-responsive, asleep.
Our bodies are programmed to live and our bodies are programmed to die. We are born, we experience, and then we die. Some of us die sooner than others, but we will all die. It is the circle of life.
Something More... about The Circle of Life: Birth and Death's Profound Similarities
I go into the similarities of the birthing and dying processes in my book, The Final Act of Living. You can get your copy here. In the book, which reads like a novel, I share stories and experiences. You will see that death doesn't just happen, that there is an unfolding; there is a process to dying.
15 comments
Derianna Mooney
I have been comparing them for decades. Just the same process only backwards. So grateful you put it into words to be read my many. Thank you, Barbara.
———
BK Books replied:
Derianne, thank you for your comments. It seems so obvious yet we rarely put the two together. Blessings! Barbara
I have been comparing them for decades. Just the same process only backwards. So grateful you put it into words to be read my many. Thank you, Barbara.
———
BK Books replied:
Derianne, thank you for your comments. It seems so obvious yet we rarely put the two together. Blessings! Barbara
Therese
What you state is so true. Over many months, I watched as my dearest, older sister distanced herself from friends, neighbors and even family. Some family members were perhaps hurt by this, but I saw it as a necessary process in transitioning to the next (life?). This was even before I discovered your wonderful pamphlets. Your words of wisdom were a BIG comfort to me when I finally assisted my sister in transferring to a remarkable hospice center. The staff there were absolute angels! One of the very first things they pointed out to me were your pamphlets that were sitting on the coffee table in the room where we stayed in for a few weeks. Those last few weeks I was able to spend with my sister were priceless. And although I saw her withdraw completely into herself, I wish I would have talked with/to her more than I did…and I wish I would have asked if they could supply a bit larger bed than a twin that she was in, so I could lay beside her and hold her. Gosh I miss her terribly. She was one of the most kindest, sweetest, smartest women I’ve ever known. She was more of a mother to me than my own mom (sad to say). So I lost a remarkable sister, a dear friend and a mother figure all in one lovely human. ps: Thank you for all you do Ms. Karnes!
———
BK Books replied:
Therese, thank you for sharing. You might write your sister a letter. Put your thoughts and feelings about her and your relationship and your tears, down on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life be the statement of your love for her. Blessings! Barbara
What you state is so true. Over many months, I watched as my dearest, older sister distanced herself from friends, neighbors and even family. Some family members were perhaps hurt by this, but I saw it as a necessary process in transitioning to the next (life?). This was even before I discovered your wonderful pamphlets. Your words of wisdom were a BIG comfort to me when I finally assisted my sister in transferring to a remarkable hospice center. The staff there were absolute angels! One of the very first things they pointed out to me were your pamphlets that were sitting on the coffee table in the room where we stayed in for a few weeks. Those last few weeks I was able to spend with my sister were priceless. And although I saw her withdraw completely into herself, I wish I would have talked with/to her more than I did…and I wish I would have asked if they could supply a bit larger bed than a twin that she was in, so I could lay beside her and hold her. Gosh I miss her terribly. She was one of the most kindest, sweetest, smartest women I’ve ever known. She was more of a mother to me than my own mom (sad to say). So I lost a remarkable sister, a dear friend and a mother figure all in one lovely human. ps: Thank you for all you do Ms. Karnes!
———
BK Books replied:
Therese, thank you for sharing. You might write your sister a letter. Put your thoughts and feelings about her and your relationship and your tears, down on paper. Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life be the statement of your love for her. Blessings! Barbara
Mary G
Thank you for all you do, my mom lives with me and was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. She’s on hospice at home now, your blog and books have helped me to accept this as a normal part of life and to not resist the process.
———
BK Books replied:
Mary, my blessings to you and your mom. Barbara
Thank you for all you do, my mom lives with me and was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. She’s on hospice at home now, your blog and books have helped me to accept this as a normal part of life and to not resist the process.
———
BK Books replied:
Mary, my blessings to you and your mom. Barbara
Nancy
Thank you for your words Barbara. They are so helpful. Letting go of my good health is the biggest challenge. Thanks again.
———
BK Books replied:
Nancy, my thoughts are with you. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for your words Barbara. They are so helpful. Letting go of my good health is the biggest challenge. Thanks again.
———
BK Books replied:
Nancy, my thoughts are with you. Blessings! Barbara
Carrie
I work for a Hospice-and even Doctors have to be reminded that it’s natural for patients to die! It truly is the circle of life. I wish Doctors would ALL read your books. They would have a better understanding that it’s ok to let nature take its’ course instead of trying to intervene in the dying process with meds and doctoring!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Carrie, I wish they would also. Blessings to you. Barbara
I work for a Hospice-and even Doctors have to be reminded that it’s natural for patients to die! It truly is the circle of life. I wish Doctors would ALL read your books. They would have a better understanding that it’s ok to let nature take its’ course instead of trying to intervene in the dying process with meds and doctoring!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Carrie, I wish they would also. Blessings to you. Barbara
Brenda
Oh my, I woke up this morning thinking the same thing. I even wrote down my thoughts about it. Opened my email to find you had written exactly what I was thinking. :)
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Brenda, Great minds! Blessings! Barbara
Oh my, I woke up this morning thinking the same thing. I even wrote down my thoughts about it. Opened my email to find you had written exactly what I was thinking. :)
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Brenda, Great minds! Blessings! Barbara
Mark Powell
I announced my wife Kay’s death with the subject line of “The Circle of Life”.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Mark, thank you for sharing. We tend to not think of the normalness of that Circle. Blessings! Barbara
I announced my wife Kay’s death with the subject line of “The Circle of Life”.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Mark, thank you for sharing. We tend to not think of the normalness of that Circle. Blessings! Barbara
Tina B
I’ve wondered,too, since we don’t actually remember being born, will we remember dying ? I don’t think we will.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Tina, I don’t have an answer to that question. Blessings! Barbara
I’ve wondered,too, since we don’t actually remember being born, will we remember dying ? I don’t think we will.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Tina, I don’t have an answer to that question. Blessings! Barbara
Tammy Outlaw
Hello Barbara, I have been following your books for the last 3 years. We lost my husband’s mother and my husband and I were taking care of her at the end. We were given one of your books by a hospice nurse at the end, it was a tremendous help as she approached death .
Now we are facing the death of my Father in law who is suffering from dementia.
I can’t begin to tell how you have helped us to understand the process of how a person dies with dementia. He is barely hanging on and it is so sad to see him like this. But thanks to you we know what to expect.
Thank you Barbara
Hello Barbara, I have been following your books for the last 3 years. We lost my husband’s mother and my husband and I were taking care of her at the end. We were given one of your books by a hospice nurse at the end, it was a tremendous help as she approached death .
Now we are facing the death of my Father in law who is suffering from dementia.
I can’t begin to tell how you have helped us to understand the process of how a person dies with dementia. He is barely hanging on and it is so sad to see him like this. But thanks to you we know what to expect.
Thank you Barbara
Tammy Outlaw
Hello Barbara, I have been following your books for the last 3 years. We lost my husband’s mother and my husband and I were taking care of her at the end. We were given one of your books by a hospice nurse at the end, it was a tremendous help as she approached death .
Now we are facing the death of my Father in law who is suffering from dementia.
I can’t begin to tell how you have helped us to understand the process of how a person dies with dementia. He is barely hanging on and it is so sad to see him like this. But thanks to you we know what to expect.
Thank you Barbara
———
BK Books replied:
Tammy, my thoughts are with you and your family during this precious time. Blessings! Barbara
Hello Barbara, I have been following your books for the last 3 years. We lost my husband’s mother and my husband and I were taking care of her at the end. We were given one of your books by a hospice nurse at the end, it was a tremendous help as she approached death .
Now we are facing the death of my Father in law who is suffering from dementia.
I can’t begin to tell how you have helped us to understand the process of how a person dies with dementia. He is barely hanging on and it is so sad to see him like this. But thanks to you we know what to expect.
Thank you Barbara
———
BK Books replied:
Tammy, my thoughts are with you and your family during this precious time. Blessings! Barbara
Cindy
Love this. As a Birth a d death doula I couldnt agree more.
———
BK Books replied:
Blessings to you Cindy in the work you are doing. Barbara
Love this. As a Birth a d death doula I couldnt agree more.
———
BK Books replied:
Blessings to you Cindy in the work you are doing. Barbara
Sarah
Hi Barbara- thank you for this great post. I was an OB nurse for 36 years, now working in a memory care unit part time as I am winding down in my career. My mom (also a nurse) and I did private duty for dying friends in our community in the 1980’s before it was a thing. My daughters and I also did hospice pet therapy with our 2 golden retrievers for 6 years over their teen years. One day I asked a young OB patient who was also a nurse , “I often wonder whats wrong with me? I love being present at births and I love helping people die.” She finally gave me the answer Ive been needing to hear- “you have been an important part of new life and death, its the complete circle of life..” Ahh it took a new young nurse to finally explain it to me, a seasoned licensed nurse for 45 yrs to finally get it!! I’ve loved my career all along the way!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sarah, how wonderful to have worked at both ends of life. Such a balanced perspective you must have. Blessings to you in all the work you have done and continue to do. Barbara
Hi Barbara- thank you for this great post. I was an OB nurse for 36 years, now working in a memory care unit part time as I am winding down in my career. My mom (also a nurse) and I did private duty for dying friends in our community in the 1980’s before it was a thing. My daughters and I also did hospice pet therapy with our 2 golden retrievers for 6 years over their teen years. One day I asked a young OB patient who was also a nurse , “I often wonder whats wrong with me? I love being present at births and I love helping people die.” She finally gave me the answer Ive been needing to hear- “you have been an important part of new life and death, its the complete circle of life..” Ahh it took a new young nurse to finally explain it to me, a seasoned licensed nurse for 45 yrs to finally get it!! I’ve loved my career all along the way!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sarah, how wonderful to have worked at both ends of life. Such a balanced perspective you must have. Blessings to you in all the work you have done and continue to do. Barbara
Sandy Boyko
Love this analogy! Just today I was looking at my 15 and a half year old lab (that is OLD for a lab) and she was sleeping peacefully most of the day. When I was watching her, the thought came to me that when she was a new puppy that we brought home, she slept ALOT (and then was a terror in between naps, lol). But with all kidding aside, now that she is certainly nearing the end of her life, she again sleeps ALOT. So reading your post today really resonated! Thank you!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sandy, I’m glad you pointed out that animals die the same as humans. There is a natural progression for both. Blessings to you and your lab. Barbara
Love this analogy! Just today I was looking at my 15 and a half year old lab (that is OLD for a lab) and she was sleeping peacefully most of the day. When I was watching her, the thought came to me that when she was a new puppy that we brought home, she slept ALOT (and then was a terror in between naps, lol). But with all kidding aside, now that she is certainly nearing the end of her life, she again sleeps ALOT. So reading your post today really resonated! Thank you!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Sandy, I’m glad you pointed out that animals die the same as humans. There is a natural progression for both. Blessings to you and your lab. Barbara
Cassie Tzur
Love your comments about the circle of life. It happens to all. We do not have to be so fearful!
Thank you for your guidance and reminders of this natural process!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Cassie, thanks for your kind words about the blog. Blessings! Barbara
Love your comments about the circle of life. It happens to all. We do not have to be so fearful!
Thank you for your guidance and reminders of this natural process!
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Cassie, thanks for your kind words about the blog. Blessings! Barbara
Maggie
I have recently read the book “The In-Between”. Have you read this book about hospice care and death? What are your thoughts on the author’s stories? I have also noted the circle of life with my geriatric patients and my own parents. Thank you for discussing it.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Maggie, I have not read the book. Thank you for bringing it to my attention Blessings! Barbara
I have recently read the book “The In-Between”. Have you read this book about hospice care and death? What are your thoughts on the author’s stories? I have also noted the circle of life with my geriatric patients and my own parents. Thank you for discussing it.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Maggie, I have not read the book. Thank you for bringing it to my attention Blessings! Barbara