Question about a daughter who is dying.

A question from B.D.: What to do when a dying daughter who has had radiation treatment to the brain and turns on you. Won't let me see her. Sends her husband to tell me hateful things, that aren't true. Never the less I sent her a note of apology for my meddling, as she put it. I had only asked for her pastor to drop in on her. Big mistake on my part. They have no children. She has been the most generous loving daughter to now. I am devastated.

My dear B.D., I can't think of greater heart felt pain then facing the death of a child and then adding to that pain rejection while she is still living. Your heart must be screaming. Any words I offer will not ease your sense of loss, now or after she is gone. I can only offer an idea to help your understanding so you will not take what is occurring personally.

The brain is our delicate life line. It processes everything. It is so important to life that the hard bone of the skull protects it to keep it safe. When disease and/or treatment for that disease (radiation) gets inside the skull’s protection everything changes. The balance is changed, What we know, think, believe, how we react, how we feel, how we move can all be altered. In the case of your daughter her personality has changed. Your job now is to remind yourself that what you are seeing and hearing from your daughter is the disease talking, feeling, and reacting, not your beloved child. It is the disease! Hard to remember and respond to but very important to remember.

What to do? Love her, humor her, be there for her in presence without opinions. Words, happenings, disagreements, opinions, even memories have little place now. Do whatever you need to do to be with her, to spend time with her. No arguments, no I am right, you are wrong. There isn't time or room that kind of behavior. You are her mom and love her, that is all that matters now. Talk with her husband, show him this email if it will help. Get him to understand your need to be with her as much as possible.
I am here for you. Write me as much as you wish. I do not have your email address so I am posting this on the blog but you may contact me using my personal email address at the top of this page.
My blessings to you during the most challenging time of your life. Barbara

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