Question? Anger at the dying loved one for things you feel she could have done that would have kept her healthy longer. Anger that she feels back at you for not understanding or not being able to save her.
Anger is such an insidious thing. It eats away at us and destroys our well being in present time. It clouds our thinking and erodes our relationships.
I hear frequently, “I can’t help feeling this way. Feelings just are.”
Okay, “feelings just are” but we humans have the capability for rational thinking. We can decide to change our outlook which in turn can change our feelings so my suggestion to you is to change your outlook. The past is done. Whatever was done to create this state of ill health in your loved one is accomplished. It can’t be undone. The health condition is what it is, period. No amount of regrets on anyone’s part can change that. Everyone in the present is living with the consequences of past actions. It is unproductive to stay in the thoughts of “why didn't you? What if you hadn’t? You could have done--.”
By not letting go of your anger about these past actions you are influencing and perhaps jeopardizing your present and your future. My suggestion to you is to say to yourself and/or this person “I forgive you for ------- and I forgive myself for----------.” Anytime thoughts and feelings of anger at this person’s previous actions arise pause and repeat, “I forgive -----”.
The past is a memory and the future is an idea, only the present is real. By holding onto your anger you are throwing away your chance for a great present with your loved one.
Express love, tenderness, and gratitude that this person is in your life today.
What have I traded a day of my life and my loved one’s for?--anger, resentment, accusations or have I traded this day for togetherness, joy, good memories? The choice is yours.
We can’t control another’s feelings or how they respond to us but we can change the way we interact with them.
I believe if you change your attitude to a more positive one in regards to your relationship you will see your loved one responding more positively as well.
When my mother was dying my hospice social worker told me love is a verb, an action word. By doing for my mother I was loving her. So that is what I did. I put my negative feelings aside and took care of her. Without even trying or realizing it our relationship changed. As I look back now I see that by letting go of all of my expectations of what I wanted from her and concentrating on just being kind and loving to her, those were the best 5 months our relationship had ever had. Love is a verb.